transience – by Kylara
see a prettier version here:
http://www.kyumi.haneoka.net
~
I am sleeping, as the dead sleep.
My body is nothing but ash, resting quietly in an urn, buried deep in the earth. Defiled ash, mixed with the charred sands that are all that remain of the Shikon no Tama.
Forever intertwined, never able to escape.
And still my soul weeps, trapped in a flaming inferno, where I am not burned, not even warmed, but instead frozen, colder than anything I could have ever imagined. So very cold, this breeze of loneliness.
Because he is not here.
I murdered him with my own two hands, just as he murdered me with his.
I did not die so I could be alone. I killed him so I could be alone.
That was my duty.
But.
Where is Inuyasha?
Inuyasha, Inuyasha, Inuyasha.
Where are you, Inuyasha…?
Why are you not here, dead with me?
Are you still alive, then, living in the world of the living? With the animals living in the forests, with people raising families in villages, with youkai ravaging those same families?
Inuyasha, Inuyasha, Inuyasha. Damn you, Inuyasha.
Damn you for destroying my village. Damn you for stealing the Shikon no Tama. Damn you for breaking your promise.
Damn you for leaving me alone.
Damn you, damn you, damn you.
I damn you.
Because you betrayed me. That I can never forgive.
Why did you murder me? Tearing your claws down my back, letting my blood soak into them. I never wanted that. I never knew you wished for that. Why did you steal the Shikon no Tama? I protect it from ones like you.
Protected.
I failed.
Damn you, damn you, damn you, Inuyasha.
I had no other loves, so I have no one else to compare you to. But no one ever can.
Inuyasha, Inuyasha. I am weeping for you, you who betrayed me, who left me here in the dark, imprisoned from the light.
I am only human, Inuyasha.
And alone.
Remember?
No, you don't, do you.
You will lie pinned to that tree for all eternity, Inuyasha. And I will sit here in the darkness, thrown away from brightness. For all eternity, Inuyasha.
I saw light for the briefest of moments, a flash of warmth that I treasured and chased.
I will never see light again.
For I will never see you again.
I am glad.
Damn you, Inuyasha. Damn you, damn you, damn you.
If I damn you enough, my love,
will you come here and join me?
~ fin
"Transience" is a word that has several meanings, and I've seen it used several ways. Most obvious is its connection to 'transparency', a sort of not-really-there type of presence (same kind of transparency as in spirits). I've also seen it used as a way of representing humanity and death, plus a word to mean something that is fleeting and will never return. I'm taking all of these meanings for this title because I think this word pretty much sums this fanfic up.
This fic mirrors "The Reasons For Light" slightly. Notice that Kikyou says, "And I will sit here in the darkness, thrown away from brightness... I saw light for the briefest of moments... I will never see light again. For I will never see you again." In TRFlight, Kagome compares loving the light to loving Inuyasha. You could say that this is the same thing, only Kikyou is thinking very, very negatively. But they are, as I say, of the same soul ^_^
This is written during the five hundred thirty five year limbo during which Kikyou is not Kikyou and Kagome is not Kagome. I intended to write a Kikyou introspect, but I was surprised when I came up with this one. The few people out there who do Kikyou introspects (on that note Aino-kaachan and Queen both have amazing ones) typically do an enlightened dead Kikyou – somehow I ended up with an unenlightened dead Kikyou. Hen da yo ne… o.O
I realize some of this is really – how do I put it – contradictory. Well, Kikyou never intended to end up "betraying" her miko profession – it was just an accident. I think her mindset after she died must have included guilt – she fell in love with Inuyasha, who 'used her' (yes, it was Naraku, but this is unenlightened!) to get the Shikon no Tama. In the end, she protected it, but it was still a HUGE mistake and a betrayal of sorts – she's the sort I imagine blaming herself for not seeing Inuyasha's "true plans". Loving someone against your will is not fun, and that's exactly what she's doing.
E-mail me. Kylara@haneoka.net
~ Kylara
http://haneoka.net/kyumi/
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