Title: See It True
Genre: Angst/General
Rating: T
Summary: She loves him. He's not mine anymore. So why does it still hurt?
Characters/Pairings: Ash, Crellie
A/N: This was kind of hard for me to write being that I'm not exactly thrilled with Crash, or Ash in general. But the idea would not be silent, so here you have it. Enjoy.
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Do you ever get the feeling that what you're looking at is totally wrong? You know, that odd fluttery clenching in your gut that just screams at you to fix the mistakes staring you in the face.
That's the feeling I get when I walk into Ellie and Marco's house and my eyes land upon something that I never would have imagined in my wildest dreams. Scratch that, my wildest nightmares.
Ellie, my best friend Ellie, is curled up in the lap of one Craig Manning, once holder of the title of love of my life.
And they're kissing. But this isn't just the simple type of innocent kiss they could explain away. Oh no. This was the kind of kissing that's pure passion; all wandering hands and expressive noises, the sort that mothers try to shield their children's eyes from when they stumble upon late night movies they shouldn't be watching.
The kind that's so all consuming you fail to notice when another person enters the room and proceeds to stare at you, unblinking, like what they're seeing can't possibly be real.
It takes every ounce of strength I have to turn away from what I'm seeing. Kind of like a car crash. You know you shouldn't look, you don't want to, but for some reason you can't tear your eyes away from the horrific display in front of you because your morbid curiosity is too powerful.
Once I was actually able to get my lead feet in gear I hightailed it out of there, all but collapsing on the front porch as I gasp for breath.
What the hell was that?
Ellie and Craig? When did that happen?
Yeah, Jimmy told me that Ellie had a huge crush on Craig during senior year, meaning he was undoubtedly the guy she was referring to when she sad she was crushing on someone. Now I knew why she wouldn't tell me his name, why Marco wouldn't give me any details.
They were lying to me. Every time either of them said she was over it, every time they neglected to say his name, not knowing I knew, they were lying.
What else did they lie about?
When I came over and Ellie hung up her phone with a hurried goodbye, shut down her email abruptly, shoved a letter in a drawer-was it Craig that she was breaking contact with? Was it him that she was thinking of as she listened to me prattle on about Jimmy or filled me in on the latest news about her and Jesse? Did she even care about Jesse at all?
It's cold. Not uncommon for December, but the cold seems to go deeper than usual. It's almost like the frosty wind is seeping through my layers of clothes and invading all the way to my heart.
When I was in London I thought a lot about both of them. Not together, not really. I knew they were still both in town, and would probably hang out together with Marco and Jimmy. I never thought anything of it other than Ellie was a good friend and would be there if Craig needed her.
It certainly looked like Craig needed Ellie all right. Just not as much as he needed oxygen.
All bitterness aside, if you really get down to it the whole thing could be traced back to me. I left Craig heartbroken and miserable, trusting him in the company of someone so like him she could have been him. Only a girl. You know what I mean.
How had this happened? Ellie had vowed with me to hate Craig forever. But I got over it, so she did too. Then I tricked him into going to her group, and forced her to get him to go back, and I set the stage for what I had just witnessed. I had inadvertently pushed them together.
Without even realizing what I'm doing, I turn around and walk back in the direction of Ellie's place. Call me a masochist, but I just have to know.
Standing on the porch in the fading twilight, I peer through the front window like some sort of peeping tom. And what I see is enough to break my heart.
I love Jimmy. Don't think for one second that I don't. I adore him. But a tiny little piece of my heart will always belong to Craig, I can't deny that. Jimmy was my first boyfriend, first puppy love, first kiss. But Craig was my first real love, my first time, my first heartbreak.
I don't want Craig anymore. I haven't for a long time. Still … it's hard to accept him with somebody else. Especially when that someone else is my best friend.
That's what I keep reminding myself as I look at them. That Ellie is my best friend, not some Manny Santos clone intent on stealing my boyfriend out from under me. But it is hard to see them like that and not feel some of that same bitterness rising up from within me.
She's still on his lap. But things have progressed from where I left them. Craig's shirt is on the floor a few feet from the couch and Ellie's sweater is nearby, leaving her in just the tank top with straps that Craig is pushing aside to pepper kisses along her shoulders and collarbone.
What's that saying? A true friend stabs you in the front. That's how this feels. Like someone took a knife and plunged it as deep into my heart as it would go. And it twists a little bit with each kiss he plants on her skin, each brush of fingers on his cheeks, every heated look they exchange.
Those little looks are the worst. Craig never looked at me that way. He smiled at me, gave me the intense stare that turned my knees to jelly, gazed at me quizzically as if he was just dying to know what I was thinking. But never all at once the way he's looking at Ellie. That look, it's like he's trying to see into her soul.
I can't freaking believe this! Craig Manning has a partially dressed girl on his lap and he's looking into her eyes, hands firmly on her back, while she runs her fingers along his face like she's trying to memorize every feature. She's being more tender with him than he ever allowed me to be.
What is it about Ellie that gets Crag to let his guard down? He lets her in, shares his demons with her. The only time I ever saw them was when he had no other choice than to let them out, when he couldn't contain them and was forced to show me. He shows her of his own free will. Because she gets it.
Craig stands up abruptly and carries Ellie toward the stairs. Her legs are around his waist and she's giggling. Ellie Nash is honest to God giggling. Her hands are buried in his mop of unruly dark curls and he kisses her nose as he makes his way up the steps and out of sight.
They never meant to hurt me. That's what I tell myself as I trudge back down the steps. They can't help it if they fell in love. And they are. I saw it plain as day on Craig's face. He's not the same fifteen year old guy who was more concerned with his hormones than his common sense. It was in Ellie's eyes as she gave him a more genuine smile than I've ever seen on her face before, even when she was around Sean. Unguarded, unhidden, unbiased.
I'm going to Jimmy. Jimmy that I love and trust and who adores me. Jimmy who takes all the pain away and makes me realize that there is someone out there who truly wants to be with me. He lets me see ever side of himself.
Like Craig does with Ellie.
Guess that's what I get for not knocking.
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A/N: Not too sure how I feel about this. Thoughts, opinions, tomatoes? Let me have em.