Author's Note: Fans of Brittana and Artina will love this, but fans of Tike might not like it very much. I thought Santana's solo was one of the funniest things I've seen on Glee, but it disappointed me that Brittany didn't try to pen a song of her own. This is what I imagine happening if she did. Story is set shortly after Regionals, 2.16. Probably a one-shot, but it might lead to more chapters if I'm so inspired. Please read and review!
Original songs were trending with New Directions. After their win at Regionals, Rachel was unanimously voted as the Most Valuable Player for her songwriting talents that led to their victory. Naturally, the other songwriters in the group who had tried but failed to write the big solo were a little jealous. But it just made them want to work that much harder in order to be the one to pen the next big hit for Nationals.
"I have to say, as much as I enjoyed My Headband, it isn't my favorite song anymore," Brittany announced in rehearsal one day. She flipped idly through her rhyming dictionary, having just asked Artie to read most of the words to her. "I think Trouty Mouth might be taking its place as my new favorite song of all time."
"Isn't it ironic, don'tcha' think?" sang Santana, who loved most of the songs on Alanis Morissette's Jagged Little Pill. Tina, who was sitting beside her on the piano bench, gave a cheeky grin and played a few bars.
"That song was insulting," sniffed Sam, who sat with his legs up in a chair at the back of the room as he, Mike and Finn tried unproductively to compose a song about football. He self-consciously covered his mouth once again as he spoke. "How would you like it if I sang a song about your… about your…"
As Sam struggled to come up with a physical flaw for Santana that wouldn't result in him getting his ass kicked, she made an elaborate show of yawning and resting her head on top of the piano. Ever the helpful friend, Mike whispered a suggestion, but Sam quickly vetoed this by shaking his shaggy blonde head vehemently.
With sudden determination, Brittany rose from her plastic seat and said, "Mr. Schuester, I have a song I would like to sing." She gazed lovingly down at the boy who'd been sitting next to her, batting her eyes shyly. "It's for Artie."
CLANK! went the piano abruptly. Tina quickly tried to look busy by pretending she'd been shuffling through Brad's collection of sheet music. Even so, she caught Artie's eye for a fleeting second before staring down at her lap instead.
Mr. Schuester motioned Brittany towards the front of the room, and she glided happily towards the piano, her floppy hat bouncing as she walked. She turned to Tina, saying, "You already know this one because I wrote it to the tune of Trouty Mouth."
"I don't believe this," said Sam, rolling his eyes. He shoved Mike Chang, who was making a fish faces at him as Finn pretended to reel him in. Mr. Schuester opened his mouth to object, but Brittany quickly spoke up.
"I changed the title and all the words," she explained, scanning the room until her eyes landed on Artie. He was smiling encouragingly at her, but the next words out of her mouth wiped the grin right off of his face. "It's called Wheelie Chair. Hit it, Tina."
What else could Tina do? Although she had a bad feeling about the song already, she obediently launched right into the opening chords of the song. Brittany copied Santana's sultry dance, even shedding her jacket to reveal a skimpy halter top underneath.
Cripple Le-e-e-e-egs, Wheelie chai-ai-ai-ai-ar,
Just what is it that you feel, boy,
When I touch you way down there?
But his penis works, oh, yes it does
Take it from me, the girl he loves…
"Stop, STOP!" Artie's face was blinking like a stoplight. He looked around uncomfortably at his snickering teammates. Sam was giving him a look that plainly said, Yeah. Not so funny when it's about you, is it?
"Brittany, yes, please stop," Mr. Schuester intervened. "Artie…"
But Artie was already wheeling himself towards door, his head down and eyes fixed upon the exit. He didn't even look back as he rolled into the hall, escaping what had been a very humiliating serenade.
"Oops," said Brittany, flatly. She briefly made eye contact with Tina. But the odd thing was, Tina observed, was that Brittany didn't look the least bit sorry. She robotically followed him out the door, as though to go make amends. But Tina thought that something was fishy – and that something wasn't the trouty mouth.
"Artie, wait," Brittany pleaded, jogging down the empty hall to catch up with him. He ignored her as though she hadn't spoken and continued pushing himself down the hall. Brittany kept following him, though, unwilling to let him get away without talking to her first.
He relented, pivoting to face her at last. "When you said you were singing a song about me, I kind of hoped it would be something about my rapping abilities or the fact that you think I'm the best boyfriend ever, not…"
"Your wheelchair," Brittany supplied, surprising Artie with her sudden insight. He narrowed his eyes suspiciously, opening his mouth as though to speak and then closing it as he continued to stare at her. She shrank under his scrutiny, replacing the jacket on her shoulders and saying nothing.
"You knew I would be offended," said Artie, cocking his head to the side in a manner most curious.
"If you want to break up with me because of it, I'll understand," said Brittany, clasping her hands contritely in front of her body and staring down at the ground, wearing a look of utmost remorse.
"Are you – trying to make me break up with you?"
"No!" She snapped to attention, her eyes going wide as she looked at Artie. Ever the transparent one, Artie could clearly see a question etched across her innocent face. How did you know that was what I was doing?
"Brittany, you aren't a very convincing liar," said Artie, who knew that he ought to be angry but found himself lacking that particular emotion at present. Cornered and busted, Brittany promptly burst into tears. Artie rolled forward, pulling her down until she was situated in his lap.
"I kind of thought you would want to break up, yeah," she finally confessed, her voice shaking. "And then that would mean that I would be single again. And then maybe Santana would… oh, why am I telling you?"
"You aren't telling me anything I didn't know already," he soothed her, giving her arm a comforting pat. "I saw you and Santana when you sang together last week. I know how you feel about her. I guess it was only a matter of time…"
Brittany hiccupped slightly. "I'm going to stand up now so your legs don't fall asleep."
Artie nodded, not even bothering to correct her. She got to her feet, still looking sadly down at him. He immediately insisted that he would be okay, for he knew that she was worrying about him again. With that reassurance, she gave him a tiny smile and leaned over to kiss his cheek.
"You really have been the best boyfriend ever, Artie," she said, caressing his shoulder gently. "I will always remember when you told me I was magic. I felt so special when I was with you. I don't know if I want to break up. If we break up, I'm going to miss the way you made me feel…"
"I-I think we have to break up, though…" Artie trailed off. "Look, you can tell Santana whatever you want to tell her. And don't worry about me holding this against you because I won't. I want you to be happy, Brittany."
Meanwhile, Tina suppressed the urge to gasp as she stepped back into the shadows, hoping that she hadn't somehow given herself away. She had followed Brittany down the hall to eavesdrop on the conversation. Tina couldn't help herself; she had to make sure Artie wasn't going to get his heart broken once again. Even if she wasn't the one responsible, she still couldn't bear for Artie to be in pain.
"But I want you to be happy, too," said Brittany, frowning deeply as she looked down on the only boy she had ever truly loved. The problem was that he ironically stood in the way of her happiness with Santana.
"I think I will be," said Artie. "Maybe true love is lurking right around the corner."
Tina somehow lost her footing while standing perfectly still, a move that she had famously invented during her days in gym class. CRASH! She went falling into the lockers, making a dramatic scene as Artie and Brittany rounded the corner to find her sprawled out on the floor.
"H-hey guys," Tina said, sheepishly. She could not imagine having been caught in a more compromising position. Feebly, she hurried to make an excuse. "Um, Brittany you forgot your – sheet music." She blanched, humiliation washing over her like a cold shower.
Brittany giggled. Artie blushed.
"Oh, thanks Tina, but I'm sure I won't be needing it," said Brittany, smiling as she examined the mortified expressions on their faces. "My days of serenading Artie with Wheelie Chair are over. But if you would like, I would be happy to teach you the words."
And Brittany left them there, happily whistling the tune to Trouty Mouth/Wheelie Chair as she scurried back to the choir room to relay the good news to Santana.