Based on the spoilers for episodes 18 & 19.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Casualty belongs to the BBC. No copyright infringement intended.
If Tomorrow Never Comes
You're standing at the end of the bed, your eyes fixed on the woman lying in it. She's so pale, her dark hair makes the ghostly colour of her skin more apparent. She looks peaceful enough, she's connected up to a ventilator which is hissing rhythmically and there's a heart rate monitor at the side of her bed, registering every single beat. These are the only signs of life.
There's nothing you can do for her. Nothing at all and that hurts. You're a doctor, you're meant to be able to save lives yet you can't save the woman that you love.
You've tried everything yet she's still not responding to treatment. Anything you can think of, you've clung desperately to, hoping and praying that it will be the one thing that works because you can't lose her, not now. Not like this.
But it seems that fate is against you, it feels that the entire world is against you. Nothing is working. She's lying there, fighting for her life and not getting any better. You're watching her die before your eyes, seeing her slowly slip away as more time passes despite yours and your colleagues best efforts to save her and there's a small selfish streak within you that wants to keep her alive for your sake. Not hers, yours. Because you don't feel ready to let go.
None of this is in her best interests, none of it. Is letting her die really what she would want if she was able to tell you? You're not sure. Before the riots, you would have been confident in saying that she wanted to live but now, well you don't know. The riots affected her badly and not just physically. Mentally.
Is it really for the best? Turning it off and letting her slip peacefully away. It's one decision, the hardest decision you've ever had to make and that decision would never be taken lightly. Not by you, not by anyone. This decision has the power to haunt you for the rest of your life. There is one thing that you know for sure however: that whilst there's still a chance, a chance that she'll make it, a chance that she'll have a meaningful recovery, you're not prepared to give up on her. You can't. She was...is a fighter. Always will be. And that's the thing you love about her the most.
You love her so much and this is unspeakably difficult. It's an awful situation to be in and if there was anything you could do that meant she never had to go through this, then you would do it in a heartbeat. She loves you, you know that. But maybe you're so blinded by your feelings for her that you can't see past them and see what's really right for her. At the moment, you're effectively burying your head in the sand, refusing to accept the reality of her situation. You just feel so powerless, so helpless.
Do you listen to your heart? Or to your brain? Both are telling you different things.
Is this really the end? This wasn't how it was supposed to go. Things weren't supposed to turn out like this. When she came into your life, complete with her Scotland Yard teaspoon and her ridiculously sweet coffee, you instantly had a connection. Then when you went on that date with her, you could see a future filled with happiness, contentment. Not this. Not pain, sadness, grief. She wasn't supposed to be fighting for her life for the second time in under six months barely a year later.
You just can't let her struggle any more. She's been through enough in the last six months and if now is the time to say goodbye then you've got to do it, somehow. As much as you would like to be selfish, you know you can't. You've got to think of her, she's your priority and although you desperately want her to be okay, if her body is giving up then you're painfully aware that's there's nothing you can do to prevent it. You can, however, let her go peacefully.
So, with all that in mind, you move closer to her and take her hand, briefly squeezing her fingers. They're cool beneath your touch. You press a kiss against her knuckles and then straighten up, leaning over her again so you can repeat the process only this time you press your lips against her forehead as the first of your tears roll slowly down your cheeks, landing in her hair. You whisper that you love her, that you're sorry and you can only hope that she forgives you for giving up on her. Because you feel that you've failed her.
It's only the end in a literal sense. She might not be there any longer physically but in your heart, in your memories she will be. You love her and this is for the best. That knowledge doesn't make it any easier, doesn't make this decision any less painful.
But if there's one thing that you're forgetting, it's that true love never dies.
She'll be there if you need her. All you have to do is look for her.