Nothing to lose

I know I'm nothing. I'm not worth a knut. I became a traitor for no reason. I believe in nothing, and I'm loyal to no one. I have nothing to lose but my life, and even though I'm guilty, I'm not responsible.

I'm not trying to make up excuses; I'm not asking to be forgiven. I'm too late for that. I know I'm damned. That is my truth, my past, my present and my future. And no one regrets it more than I do.

If I were asked to give information of the Dark Lord, I would do it. I know I would. I know that I would betray the Dark Lord just like I betrayed James and Lily. If only…

Eighteen years ago I started passing information from the Order to the Dark Lord, and I did it for no specific reason. They asked me to do it, and I did it. Oh, but wait! Not having a specific reason doesn't mean I did it for no reason. It all started when we were back at school. Everything started to deteriorate then.

It was fun to be around them. We were best friends: James, Sirius, Remus and me. Of course, James and Sirius were the best of friends; they often said they were closer than brothers, and there was no doubt about that. They were the ones who started with the pranks, the leaders, but it wasn't until we discovered Remus' secret that it became important.

Remus and I were left out. Remus didn't complain about it, of course. I don't think he even noticed or cared. He was more than happy with having friends who didn't care about his special condition, but I wanted more. I needed more.

I couldn't help noticing how James and Sirius were something else. They had their own adventures, their own secrets. They were their own group, and I was not in it. And I was jealous, I admit it. I was jealous of James and Sirius being so close. Remus and I were second in everything. I tried to make Remus see what was happening, but he didn't care, and he was not interested in having a friendship like that with me. When he wasn't covering for James and Sirius, he was studying, reading or howling at the full moon. And I was alone…

After school came the Order of the Phoenix.

I was a fool to believe it would be different. One more time, James and Sirius had the important missions, the best of the best, and they did it together. They had everything. And I… I was the messenger, the one who did what nobody wanted to do. I was alone, again.

Then, an offer came. They offered me respect, glory, friendship. All that I always wanted.

Don't think I said yes the first time. I turned them down and ran, but I didn't tell anyone, and the idea of finally being someone haunted me until they talked to me again. It was then when I accepted.

I was more than a fool to believe in them. I was an idiot to believe they would give me what they offered. I didn't get it. I just got a stupid tattoo on my arm and a death threat if I even thought about telling someone.

I didn't have anything left but my life, and I wouldn't lose it, not my life. So I followed orders. I passed information. I betrayed my friends. I was alone.

I thought it would make a difference. I knew Lily and James were important for the Dark Lord, so I did it. I betrayed them. I thought that after that I would get what they had promised, that I would get the respect I deserved. I was wrong.

What I got was fear. I got twelve years of hiding. I got to be more alone than ever.

I had time to think about my situation and realize the magnitude of what I had done. I had no way of escaping, so I kept hiding. I thought fate had smiled at me when I came across the path of James' son. I thought that being close to him would help some day. I was wrong again.

Sirius escaped from Azkaban, and… Well, you know what happened. I don't nerd to repeat the story. Sirius escaped, I escaped and hid again. I knew they would never forgive me, so I started my search for the Dark Lord, my search for my reward. And I thought I would finally get it.

Because of me, the Dark Lord came back. Because of me, he got his body back. Because of me, he's still alive. All thanks to me. And what do I get? To be stuck at Spinners End with the one that probably hates me the most now that Sirius is dead: Snape.

After all I've given, after all I've done, I get nothing. Nothing. I'm alone.

I have nothing. I've nothing to lose but my life. And that all that matters, now. I know I will never get what I want. I know I will never get respect. I know I will never get what James and Sirius had. I know I will never have my reward.

I'm loyal to no one.

I don't care about who wins this war.

I'm not ready to let go of my life.

I have nothing but resentment.

I'm nothing.

I've nothing to lose.

But my life.

Notes: So, I wanted to try writing something in English, and since I translate stories from English to Spanish, I though I could do it the other way around, and here it is…. I almost feel the necessity of apologizing for writing about Peter, but somehow I feel like there's more to him than what we know… I know it is kind of confusing, the original in Spanish is confusing as well, but I'm planning to write a whole MWPP story in English (which, by the way, is way easier than translating), and I want to know if what I write is understandable even if it is a bit confusing… Ok, now I'm confusing myself... Just tell me what you think :)

Please review, I really need feedback.