author's notes: idk what this is, but it's based on the quote below. title taken from But I Do Love You by Leann Rimes.
RAIN ON MY SHOES;;
Raindrops hit the window in big wet splotches, tracing whimsical lines down the glass. Falkor, the year-old golden retriever lies at his feet, wagging his tail against the floorboards, whining for attention every few seconds. The sound of rain fills the hollow in his chest, the stormy weather reminiscent of things he started taking for granted, of Sebastian's lips finding his in a room solely illuminated by the occasional bolt of lightning, of a hushed question passed between them ("Are you sure?"), clothes peeled of slow but determinedly before sinking down on the bed.
He's been doing a lot of that lately. Remembering.
He got home three hours ago, much later than usual, the sun already set behind the horizon. Exhaustion wrapped around his bones after a long day at the library, running to and from one section to the other in the hopes of finding relevant source material for his research on the Flemish Primitives, even though he could've gotten a lot more work done at the apartment.
The past few weeks, however, coming home had become an imposition, yet another burden to get through at the end of hectic school days, so he'd started going home later and later, in the hopes of avoiding a repetition of the same old fight, the same old hurts drifting to the surface, the same disquiet that had served to blow this whole thing out of proportion in the first place.
"Sebastian?" he called upon entering the apartment, most of it still brand spanking new, even though they'd refined that perfect lived in feel the past year and a half. There came only the scuttle of Falkor's paws on the floor, the puppy soon sniffling at his pants and bag and fingers, which still carried the scent of the abysmal ham and cheese sandwich he had for dinner.
"Hey, boy," he said forlornly and patted Falkor's head, surprised to see the apartment so clean; no dishes in the sink, though he could smell Sebastian cooked up something, no ruffled pillows on the couch, not even a stray glass or soda can. Sebastian had clearly made quick work of anything that might've bothered him. The sole evidence that Sebastian had been there at all that day were his course books fanned out in a half circle across the living room table, his own work load for school equally straining the tension that had already sunk and set like stone between them.
He flicked on the lights and toed off his shoes, chucked his book bag out of sight and sank down on the sofa, hands fisting in his hair.
He'd gone over it so many times already, a meticulous play-by-play of the mess they'd gotten themselves into, Sebastian's initial accusation passed over a joke, but he knew better – he read Sebastian better than anyone, so when Sebastian shrugged and avoided his eyes he understood his boyfriend truly believed he flirted with Adam with the intent of pursuing a relationship with him. He can't count the amount of times he denied it, nor can he count the amount of times Sebastian had apologized, and right when it seemed they were moving past the blight, the thought had mischievously spun and lodged itself somewhere in his central nervous system and seeded uncertainty.
Sebastian didn't trust him.
Simple as that. It became the most singular thought to haunt him in his waking hours, sleep barely able to chase away the disturbingly daunting notion that somehow he'd given Sebastian reason to doubt him. He lacked a clean sheet, he cheated on Kurt during a troubling time when the boy he loved moved on without him, but he was young, and naïve enough to believe in love as the sole pivot a relationship rested on. In the years since he learned that love wasn't enough, relationships required blood and sweat and tears, but if the love was there and strong enough, there wasn't an effort in the world not worth his time and attention.
His relationship with Sebastian proved that.
They had their tough moments; jealousy on his part had been an issue when they started dating, but once he accepted flirtatious as Sebastian's default setting the trust grew, and set as surely as Sebastian's undeniable love for him. Their friends had tested them, Tina and Sam questioned whether Sebastian Smythe was really the guy for him after everything that happened in high school, but that'd been five years ago and they were changed people, and Queen of Grudges Rachel Berry herself all but fell in love with Sebastian once everyone realized he wasn't going anywhere. Even Sebastian's father, still none too happy he talked Sebastian out of law school in favor of pursuing something he truly wanted, hadn't been enough to drive them apart.
They had their ups and downs, for four years, four amazing years, now both PhD students doing what they loved, and sharing a life with the only person it was worth sharing it with.
And it took exactly two questions to start it hurtling to the ground ("So what's the deal with you and Adam? You two seemed awfully chummy today."); a joke, a play with words, followed by a surreptitious wink, but Sebastian's insecurity bled through in the semantics, and once he laughed it off ("We're putting together a curriculum. We're friends.") the strong set in Sebastian's jaw told him enough.
Every conversation since then was kept purposely light, or ended in them shouting accusations at each other that stopped mattering years ago. Sebastian always apologized, pulled closer and wrapped his arms around him, kissed his hair and assured him he did trust him, placing the weight of the issue entirely on his shoulders. Sebastian might have started this whole thing, but he was the one keeping it alive.
Needless to say, the past few weeks had been a true and trying test of the strength of their relationship, and if they didn't sit down and talk it through like civilized people he feared what might happen. But between talking to his mom and Sebastian's renewed verve to please him, he found he needed more time to deal with everything.
He tried going to bed over an hour ago, crawled underneath the sheets next to his boyfriend, Sebastian's shallow breathing betraying his wakefulness, but silence had become so commonplace he didn't dare to speak. Closing his eyes he tried to push it all away, school and Adam, the shaky ground his relationship rested on, Sebastian's obvious regret over ever saying a word, but clearing his mind proved a futile attempt. No matter what he tried his heartbeat refused to slow down, and his nerves failed to settle.
When the rain started he got out of bed and poured a glass of water in the kitchen, only to be drawn towards the sight of the storm giving voice to his troubled mind.
He wants nothing more than the storm to pass, for the winds of doubt to settle over a rocky few weeks and for things to go back to normal.
A creak in the floorboards alerts him to Sebastian's presence, the room quickly occupied by the rain alone. He doesn't stir, enjoys the mental image of Sebastian leaning one hip cocked against the doorframe, black slacks, naked torso, a picture of beauty.
"Are you going to stand there all night?"
"Beats tossing and turning in bed."
Falkor lifts his head and whines again, staring between his owners with eyes that ask when are you two going to stop fighting, as if he hadn't been getting twice the attention lately. The golden retriever runs over to Sebastian; traitor, a small voice in his head whispers, but smiles thinking back to the day they brought him home, bickered over what name to give him, and how he ended up getting his way.
"Am I losing you?"
Lightning strikes somewhere in the distance, illuminating not just Sebastian's doubts but the outlines of where his insecurities started and where they ended. If his jealousy had been an obstacle for them when they started dating, Sebastian often worried that he wasn't good enough, and could lose him to someone better – there were few words that ever assured Sebastian that wouldn't happen.
"No, you're not," his answer's swift and powerful, a quick glance over his shoulder affirming everything these past four years symbolize, his love for Sebastian, the home they've built together, and all the years ahead of them. In his deepest heart of hearts, he knows marrying Sebastian one day is an inevitability, not a possibility.
Things are just a little hard for them right now.
"I'm angry, and I'm sad, and I don't know how to talk to you right now."
He sighs, his heart a hopeful stutter when Sebastian draws a step closer, and soon he's wrapped up in a familiar embrace, Sebastian's arms locking tight around his chest. Thunder sounds outside, but the lightning takes longer to show itself, the storm moving further away.
"You'll never lose me, Sebastian," he whispers, reaching his hands around Sebastian's wrists. "I love you. I love you so much, I just–"
"You need space," Sebastian hushes. "I understand."
There's no doubt in his mind that they'll make it through this, that they'll find a way to communicate their feelings more clearly, but it'll take time, and patience, blood, sweat and tears, a little bad weather for them to brave. But they'll pass through it soon enough.
Sebastian kisses his hair. "I love you too."
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