Authors note: I don't own these characters I'm just borrowing them
I also am not in the military, so any mistakes I have made I apologise.
Just A Dream
I was hovering somewhere between dreaming and being fully awake, a smile on my lips as I reach out my hand hoping to encounter the warm toned chest of the most important person in my life.
When my hand touches nothing but the cold sheet and the empty space beside me, my eyes open jerk open, the blissful smile slips from my lips and reality sets in. A reality where he isn't beside me.
Fifty-one days since he shared our bed, since I felt his strong arms around me, since his lips touched mine.
I sigh as I sit up in a bed that is suddenly too big for just me. I knew this was going to be hard but my new reality feels like a living nightmare sometimes.
I throw the covers off and get to my feet, I shiver as the frigid air wraps around me. I must have forgotten to turn the heat on last nigh after finishing up work late, I think as I try to rub some warmth into my bare arms.
I walk into the bathroom and strip off the shirt of his that I now sleep in. A shirt that used to smell like him, but now smells like me.
I rush through my morning routine, trying to push thoughts of him away. I make my way into our kitchen, in desperate need of coffee. A smile tugs at my lips when I see the photo of us on the fridge.
Our arms are around each other, a smile on his lips, as he looks down at me, I smile at the camera, my cheeks flushed with colour, my eyes bright with desire.
I remember that moment like it was yesterday. We were at Molly's after finishing up a particularly hard case involving two kidnapped girls. Luckily we had had a good outcome, so we were celebrating. All the until were there, even Hank and we were all in high spirits after a few beers. I remember Jay wrapping his ams around me and whispering all the things he planned to do to me later when we were alone. And Adam laughing as he snapped a cheeky photo of us.
The next week the photo had appeared on the notice board in the break room, well for a little while anyway. It had disappeared as quickly as it turned up. At the time I thought Hank had removed it, but turned up on our fridge door the next day.
I quickly drink my coffee, forgoing breakfast and grab by beanie, coat and scarf. My leather gloves seem to have disappeared. After donning the extra layers I make my way outside into the cold Chicago February morning. Another foot of snow covered the ground and the air hung heavy with the promise of more to come.
I breath sigh of relief as I safely negotiate the icy sidewalk and make it to the car, where I don't waste any time turning the heat up as high as it will go.
During the fifteen minute drive to the district I try to focus on the case that we are working at the moment. A spate of armed robberies that had turned deadly had the whole unit on edge. Every lead so far had turned up nothing of use, and the brass were putting the pressure on us for answers. Answers that so far we didn't have.
I pull into the 21 district car park and into my designated spot. As usual the empty spot next to mine makes my stomach drop and my heart ache.
"Fifty-one days." I say out loud and close my eyes, thinking about the last time I saw him. January first would be a day forever etched in my memory. The day we said goodbye. The day Jay left for Afghanistan.
The call had come in November. I knew something was wrong straight away when he answered the phone call. I could see it in his eyes. And then he told me. He was being recalled to active duty for the Rangers. He reported for duty just after Christmas and would be deployed for nine months on January 1st. It wasn't how either one of us had planned to spend the new year.
Although he tried not to let it show, I knew he was worried about going back to 'the sandbox' as he called it. He became quite and withdrawn. And I could see the haunted look in his eyes.
And then there were the conversations with Mouse that would end abruptly when I walked into the room. The two of them shared a bond that was unbreakable and I knew if it was possible Mouse would have gone back with Jay. In fact I know he tried to get his medical discharge revoked so he could do just that, but he failed the psych exam. A fact which Jay had been visibly relieved about. He hadn't wanted his friend to have to go back, not when he had been through so much the last time.
I jump as I hear a knock on my car window, I turn and see Hank standing next to my car.
"You coming in some time today Erin?" Hank asks me with a smirk.
"Sorry." I say as I open the car door and get out.
"You ok kid?" He asks as he throws an arm around my shoulders. "Heard from Halstead lately?"
"I'm fine. I haven't heard anything from him since last week. He said that something was about to jump off over there and that he would probably be going dark for a while. But promised to contact me when he could." I say, trying not to let my worry show.
"I'm sure he'll be fine Erin." Hank says to me as we walk up the front stairs of the precinct.
The place is a mad house, with people everywhere. Hank and I walk to the stairs and scan in, gaining access to the Intelligence unit. We make our way upstairs and into the bullpen. It seems I was lost in memories of Jay, in my car, for longer than I thought, because the rest of the unit is already here.
"Hey." I call out to everyone as way of greeting, as I walk to my desk shedding my beanie and scarf as I go.
I sit at my desk and glance over at the desk opposite. Jay's desk. Or what used to be his desk. When Jay had to take a leave of absence from the unit while he was deployed, Kim Burgess had been promoted to Intelligence to take spot. And his desk.
I had been partnered with Hank in Jay's absence, and Kim had been paired up with Antonio, Alvin, Ruzek and Atwater riding together.
I look down at my notes on the case from the previous day, seeing if anything jumps out at me. It doesn't. I've reached out to every CI I have and still come up nothing of value.
"Ok where are we at with these robberies?" Hank asks as he walks out of his office.
Ruzek stands up and walks towards the white board that has details about the six robberies that have been committed in Chicago over the past two weeks. The latest one, two days ago had turned deadly.
"Sarge, we have hit dead end after dead end on this one." Ruzek says clearly frustrated.
"Anyone got anything?" Hank yells looking round the room at us.
"I'm meeting one of my CI's in ten minutes." Atwater says.
"Take Olinsky with you." Hank told him, sharing a look with Alvin and they quickly left.
"Any one else?" Hank asks and is answered with a series of 'no's.
"Everyone stays here until we have something we can use to get these bastards."
I catch Antonio's eye and he nods towards the break room. Knowing I have nothing that can help the case, I get up and walk in that direction. I can definitely use some more caffeine.
In the break room I head straight for the coffee machine and pour myself a cup. I'm leaning against the bench when Antonio walks in.
"Hey, have you heard anything from Jay?"
"Not since last week. They were heading out on an op, and he said they could be gone for a while." I told him while sipping my coffee.
"I could get Mouse to find out something for you." Antonio says. And I think seriously about saying yes to his offer.
"If I haven't heard anything by the end of the week I will take you up on that." I tell him and he nods, grabs a coffee and heads back to his desk.
I don't tell Antonio that Mouse has been keeping me in the loop pretty much since Jay touched down in Afghanistan. The guy has contacts all over the Army and is a genius with a computer. But even he was unable to find out information on the latest mission Jay was on. He said he has a couple more tree's to shake and would let me know something by tomorrow.
Hearing voices out in the bullpen, I walk out of the break room and stop abruptly at the sight of Will Halstead standing in Hank's office with Mouse.
Hank sees me and Will and Mouse turn towards me.
"No." I say almost to myself. But I see the look on their faces.
"Please, no." I cry and the coffee cup falls from my numb hands a shatters into a million pieces like my heart.
"Erin I'm so sorry." Will chokes out walking towards me, tears in his eyes.
"No." I say again shaking my head. It can't be true. Not Jay.
"He promised me he would come home to me." I hear myself say.
"Erin..." I hear Will say, "I'm sorry but he's gone."
"No I don't believe you." He had to be wrong.
"Erin, listen to me." Hank says from beside me. Reaching out for me. I don't even remember him moving.
"No keep away from me." I say hugging myself. It's freezing in here.
"Erin look at me." Hank says, but I can't. I can't look into his eyes and see the truth.
I hear a shrill sound, and my knees go weak. I feel myself falling and it occurs to me that the noise is coming from me. I see thousands of images of how my life with Jay Halstead should have been. Then everything goes black, and I willingly sink into oblivion.
I am vaguely aware of feeling like I'm floating and I can hear two familiar voices, but I can't make any sense of what they are saying.
I slowly open my eyes, I'm laying on the couch in the break room with Hank and Will Halstead hovering over me. And reality crashes in.
"Please tell me you're wrong." I plead looking up at Jay's brother.
"I wish I could Erin. I wish that more than anything right now. But I can't." Will says and I can hear the anguish in his voice, see the sorrow in his bloodshot eyes.
I can't hold the tears at bay any longer, I cover my mouth to try and muffle the sobs.
This can't be happening. I need someone to wake me up from this nightmare.
Will tells me he received notification that Jay had been killed in action while his unit were on their latest mission. Their convoy had come under heavy fire. Jay had been fatally injured while trying to save one of the other guys in his team.
Will continues talking, but I don't hear anything he says. I can't comprehend anything other than the fact that the man I love and was planning on marrying isn't coming home.
I twist the diamond ring on my right hand, thinking how happy I was when Jay proposed to me, how happy we were. How happy we would have been.
I close my eyes and try to remember the last time we kissed, the last time we touched, the last time we made love.
"I need to go home." I say and get up off the couch with slightly unsteady feet.
"Erin let me drive you." I hear Will say.
"No. I need to be alone."
"Erin I don't think you should be driving at the moment."
"I need to get out of here." I mumble and push past Hank and Will into the bullpen. I grab my things off my desk, avoiding eye contact with everyone and flee down the stairs as fast as my unsteady feet will take me.
"Erin..." I hear Hank's gravely voice say from somewhere behind me. But I don't stop.
I fish my car keys out of my jeans pocket fumbling to find the right key so I can make my escape.
I see Hank running towards me, but I put my foot down on the gas and take off for home. The fifteen minute drive from the district only takes eight minutes. By the time I make it through the front door I can't stop the sobs that feel like they are ripping my chest apart. I need to be where Jay is. Where I can still feel him. I walk to the bed that we shared and launch myself on it, clutching his pillow.
I gasp at the pain in my heart that has surely shattered into a million pieces. I jump up out of our bed and race into the kitchen. I look at the photo of us taking pride of place on the fridge and remove it with trembling fingers. I look down at the image of us so happy and carefree. I trace my fingers over his face. A face I will never touch again.
I grab a bottle of vodka out of the freezer, twisting the top off. I swallow the clear liquid straight from the bottle and it burns the whole way down. I gulp down another mouthful needing something to numb the pain. Taking the bottle, the photo and Jay's pillow I walk back into our bedroom and placing them carefully on the bed I walk to the wardrobe and take out Jay's favorite black hoodie and and t-shirt. Shedding my own clothes I put his on, needing to somehow be closer to him.
I don't know how long I lay there on our bed dressed in his clothes, long enough to finish off the bottle of vodka. Long enough for the darkness to swallow me whole.
I hear a cracking sound and the lights turn on.
"Erin where are you?"
"She's here somewhere."
There are hands shaking me, trying to bring me back from the darkness.
"Erin how much of this did you drink?"
"Do you think she took anything else?"
I wanted to tell the voices to go away but I was tired and needed to sleep. I needed to dream of Jay.
My eyes snap open when I'm hit with a stream of freezing water. Hank has a hold of me in the shower stall.
"Hank what the fuck?" I splutter, wide awake.
"You are not doing this to yourself." Hank said pulling out of the shower and into his arms.
"What are you doing here. Leave me alone." I yell trying to scramble out of his arms.
"Erin stay still. I don't want to hurt you." he pleads tightening his grip on my arms.
"Then why does it hurt so much?" I ask. "Please make it stop." I plead.
The next few days pass by in a blur. Hank and Will stay with me. Hank to make sure I don't 'do anything stupid.' And Will needing to feel closer to Jay. Which I guess he finds being surrounded by Jay's things.
I feel like I'm sleepwalking through the next week. I remember moments, like seeing Jay's coffin draped in the American flag, flinching when I hear the gun salute, and finally being handed the folded up flag. And later going back to Molly's for the wake. Everyone wanting something from me. Wanting to know if I'm Ok. Wanting to say how sorry they are about Jay being dead.
It's dark when I finally get home, I put the folded up flag in the hall cupboard. I can't bare to look at it again. I was finally able to get Will and Hank to give me some space. So I am finally home alone for the first time in over a week.
I walk into the bedroom and pick up Jay's hoodie. I put it on over my black dress, I lay on the bed and pull the covers over me. I close my eyes and visions of Jay flash behind my eyes like a movie.
The first time we met, neither of us sure about the other. The flirting, the banter. The first time we kissed, which was also the first time we ended up in bed together. Our first fight. The fantastic make-up sex. Thousands of moments run through my mind. The last thing I see before sleep claims me is Jay laying beside me in our bed with a smile on his face as he watches me.
I jerk awake gasping for air, unsure what woke me up. I listen but I can't hear anything accept the even breathing of the person sleeping beside me. I let out a strangled cry and turn on the lights.
"Erin what's wrong?" He asks as the light wakes him up.
"Jay you're here." I say launching myself at him, kissing him deeply.
"Not that I don't love your reaction, but where else did you expect me to be at three am." Jay said with a breathless laugh once I let him up for air.
"But you were gone. You left me." I tell him, tears filling my eyes.
"Hey remember I promised you I would never leave you." He reminds me his hands cupping my face. "And I keep my promises."
"You're really here." I ask not quite believing it. I lay back down in his arms.
"Of course I am. It was just a dream Erin. Go back to sleep, we need all the sleep we can get before the baby arrives." Jay says and lovingly strokes my rounded belly.
I snuggle against him our entwined hands resting over where our baby grows within me.
I fall back sleep with a smile on my lips.