Hey, this is just a little one shot that came into my head about the anniversary of the rape. It turned out a lot longer than I thought so I'm sorry if it's a bit much and thanks if you actually make it through to the end!
She lay in bed and wondered how this day had come around already. How had it been a year? It felt like yesterday to her sometimes, her emotions were still so raw and jumbled up. A year. 12 months. 365 days. So much had happened in that time that she often felt she didn't really have time to process it all, she just had to go from one day to the next and see what it brought her.
07:15
The numbers on the clock were red and unkind to her eyes that hadn't had much sleep throughout the night. She'd seen it change many times and mentally counted down the hours she had left before she had to get up, dreading it more and more as time went on.
This time last year she would have been in the flat, getting ready for work with Frank. She remembered her feelings from that morning, heavy heartedness, anticipation, dread. She didn't have a clue of what was about to come her way some 13 hours later. Now she knew and she wanted to go back in time and warn herself that morning. Don't get up. Don't do it. Don't go home. Stay at the factory. Go to the pub. Change the locks. Fight harder. Make him stop. She hated that there were so many things in her head that she felt she could have done to have changed her fate but yet she hadn't. She'd gotten up, she'd broken his heart. She went home instead of staying to finish off paperwork. She'd decided against a drink and she hadn't felt the need to take Frank's key back or change the locks. She didn't fight as she felt she should have and she was powerless to make him stop.
She sighed, chastising herself for dredging over everything. Again. It's been a year, get over it, move on. He's dead, he's gone, he can't hurt you anymore. She repeated this to herself in her mind like a mantra, trying desperately to convince herself that it was true when really she knew it wasn't. Frank was dead but the damage was done and he could hurt her everyday from now until the day she died in her head.
She felt Peter stir against her and smiled as his hand drifted over to curl around her. A year ago she had dreamt of a moment like this and now she had it. She had the man she loved and it was better than she could ever have imagined. They'd had their fair share of ups and downs but he loved her and he would never hurt her, that much she was sure of.
"Morning."
His voice was husky having just woken up, his eyes tired and stinging slightly because he had also not had much sleep. He'd felt her toss and turn all night and tried to comfort her. He knew what today was. Today was a year since the day that had changed both of their lives forever.
"Morning. Sorry if I woke you."
He kissed the back of her head softly and pulled her closer to him.
"You didn't. How you feeling?"
They'd had a brief discussion the day before regarding the anniversary but Carla hadn't wanted to talk. He wished he'd pushed her a little more but he hadn't wanted to go too far. Despite everything they'd been through together, the rape was still a very hard subject for her to talk about.
Again she sighed. She hated this. She hated people walking on eggshells around her, asking her how she was feeling all the time. She hated that she couldn't honestly answer and say that she was fine, that today was just another day, that she didn't care. She did care. All she could do was care.
"I'm feeling like I'm not going to go into work today. Can't be doing with all the gossiping. Not today."
Her excuse was a bit flimsy, she knew that herself. She doubted if any of the workers would actually know what today was, except maybe Hayley. Still, she wasn't going to go into work to sit at that desk in that office that so often reminded her of him.
Peter pulled her round to face him and kissed her gently on the cheek. She looked pale and tired and he wanted so badly to give her a good night's rest. She probably wouldn't admit it to him but she'd been on edge for a couple of weeks now as the date grew closer.
"Ok love. Maybe try and get some sleep? You know I'd like nothing more than to stay here with you all day but I've got that meeting at Simon's school and then I have to get the shop open. I'll pop up when I can though."
She knew he meant well but she couldn't stand being molly coddled. She was a grown woman, she should be fine in the flat by herself for a day. She knew that she probably wouldn't be though. Not today.
"It's fine. I'll be fine. Don't worry."
"I do worry though. I worry about you all the time."
Her mind instantly took her back to when he first said that to her and she smiled sadly. He'd been so special to her in those first few days after the rape. She was eternally grateful for his kindness and his love but it slightly sickened her thinking of the reason behind it.
"I love you."
Her voice was barely above a whisper as she tried desperately to keep her emotions in check. It was too early to be breaking down already. Peter didn't need this. She didn't need this.
"I love you too, sweetheart. If you need anything today, anything at all, don't hesitate to phone me, ok? I'll be here as soon as I can."
She nodded and shivered slightly as he moved his warm body away from her to get up and get ready for the day. She was on her own again although not really. He was there. Frank was in her head meaning she never really was alone.
07:29
Not even 8 hours into the day and she'd already had enough of it.
Peter closed the door behind him and looked up towards the window of the flat. He knew that Carla wouldn't be standing there, he knew she'd still be in bed torturing herself with horrifying memories. He wished there was more that he could do to make her feel better. Even though he hadn't witnessed the attack, images flashed in and out of his head every time that he saw her so down like this. She'd told him everything on the night of the tram crash anniversary. He'd held her close as her body shook and trembled with every word that she said. He knew more than anyone else what Frank had done to her that night and he hated that he couldn't take away her pain.
"Earth to Peter?"
He looked up, the voice dragging him out of his mind and back into reality. Michelle was stood in front of him, apparently having been trying to get his attention for some time.
"Sorry Michelle, was in my own world there. How are you?"
"Not bad. You look tired."
He laughed, knowing he probably looked as bad as he felt.
"Not a lot of sleep."
Michelle sighed, knowing full well the reason for that. She noticed that Carla wasn't at the door with him, usually they left together.
"Carla gone to work already?"
"She's not going today. She's still in bed."
They shared a knowing look, worry and concern for their sister, their friend, their partner.
"I'll get things sorted at the factory then I'll pop in to see her… if you think she's up to visitors today?"
"Of course, I'm sure she wouldn't mind. Stops her from being on her own on a day like this, eh? Here, take my key. I don't know that she'd get up to answer the door."
They went their separate ways. She knew that Carla was a lot stronger now than she was when she'd first come back from the cruise but she also knew how difficult it would be for her to mark this mile stone. One year. It had brought them much closer together but she wished it could have been under different circumstances.
10:56
She lay in pretty much the same position as she had since Peter left, curled up with her face resting into the pillow. One year ago exactly she'd have been in the factory, maybe cutting the cake that the workers had bought for her and Frank. She should have done it then in front of people so that he couldn't have lashed out at her. It would have been cruel but it would have saved her from the cruellest act that she'd ever endured.
The sound of the door opening startled her and she immediately scolded herself for being so weak. It's Peter. Calm down. You're ok. When she saw Michelle pop her head in, she smiled at her friend.
"Hey. Peter said you wouldn't mind me coming up."
"I don't but if you think I'm getting out of bed then you're wrong, I've got the mother of all headaches and I don't plan on moving from here anytime soon."
Michelle shook her head, she hadn't expected anything different.
"Fine, if you're not getting up then I'm coming in."
She took off her shoes and jacket and lay beside her best friend on the bed. She gave Carla's arm a light stroke and almost tore up when she felt her tense up slightly underneath her touch.
Carla scolded herself once more, hating the involuntary way that Frank made her react to something that shouldn't have frightened her in the slightest. Would she ever be completely free of him?
"Stupid question but how are you feeling?"
"Like I'm gonna punch the next person who asks me that right in the face."
She said it with a hint of sarcasm but they both knew she wasn't really joking.
"Just wanted to check in, you had me worried when Peter said you weren't going to work."
"Sorry if I've left you in the lurch."
"Don't worry about that. Hayley's got everything under control at the factory. I'm more concerned about you. Big day, huh?"
She shook her head. No, it wasn't a big day. 19th September. There was nothing special about it. It wasn't her birthday. It wasn't Christmas. It was just another day. This is what she had to keep telling herself. It was futile though, she knew this day would be burned in her memory forever.
"A year. I can't believe it's been a year, Michelle."
"I know, I can't either."
"You know, even after everything that's happened in my life, all the people we've lost, this has been the hardest year, without a doubt."
Michelle closed her eyes at those words, knowing how devastated Carla had been at losing Paul and then Liam. It hurt her so much to know that she'd went through a worse kind of pain than that.
"A lot's happened, eh? You've come out the other side though, Carla."
"Have I?"
Carla was silent for a moment, contemplating just how far she'd come in the past year.
"I don't feel like the same person anymore."
She looked away from Michelle as she said this, feeling embarrassed and humiliated at who she'd become. Once she'd been a strong, feisty, independent woman and nowshe felt like a shell of her former self. She felt weak and ground down and desperate. Desperate to go back.
Michelle rubbed her arm gently, hoping not to scare her this time. She wished she knew the right thing to do or say, all she could offer was her company and her shoulder to cry on.
"Maybe that's not such a bad thing though."
Michelle brought Carla's face up to her level, wondering what she meant.
"Eh?"
"Well why would I want to be that person again? She's the one that let all this happen in the first place. She's the one that didn't fight hard enough."
Michelle felt tears spring in her eyes as she listened to Carla blame herself yet again for what Frank had done to her. She would never tire of telling her that it wasn't her fault, she just hoped that one day Carla would actually believe it.
"Carla, you can't keep doing this to yourself. Frank did what he did because of him, not because of you. Blaming yourself will get you nowhere."
"And blaming him will?"
"I know today's bound to stir up a lot of feelings for you, Carla, but you can't let him control you still. He's dead. You've won. Don't let his memory take that away from you."
She closed her eyes, desperately trying to push flashes to the back of her mind. She wasn't even strong enough to do that. His face. So close to hers. His eyes. Looking right inside her. His hands. Gripping her so tight that she thought she would break. Her underwear. Lying on the floor next to her alongside her dignity. The pain. So intense that she thought she might pass out. His breath. So chilling on her face that it took hers away. The weight of him. She couldn't breathe, she felt like she would suffocate. She almost wished she would. Surely that was a better option?
"I'm scared, Michelle. I'm scared that I'm never going to be free of this. Every time I close my eyes it's like I'm back there and I don't know how to fix it…"
Her voice trailed off as silent tears worked their way down her cheeks. Michelle enveloped her best friend in a massive hug and cried along with her.
"It's ok, it's ok. Today's a tough day but tomorrow is a new one. You've already achieved so much in a year, think how far you've come. He is gone, Carla. You're better than him. You're not alone, ok? You've got me and you've got Peter and we'll be here for you no matter what."
Peter looked in on her and saw her eyes closed, body curled up. He was going to wake her up but decided against it. Sleep was what she needed. Lack of it was not helping her work through the demons in her head.
She heard the door shut behind him and opened her eyes again. She'd pretended to be asleep because she didn't know what to say when he asked her how she was or how she was feeling. She saw the hurt in his eyes every time she told him that she was haunted by it, that nothing could make it go away. She had to endure these memories but he didn't.
18:04
She would have told him by now. She would have been on her way home, a little bit drunk but not enough to numb the pain. She'd felt like a screw up, a failure, she'd ruined everything again. Little did she know how much worse she was going to feel that night. Why hadn't she seen it coming? How had she been so stupid? Why was she doing this to herself? Why was she going over and over every detail of that day as if it was going to make a difference, as if it was going to change what happened. She couldn't do that. She was powerless. That's something she'd learnt exactly one year ago.
"Peter…"
He immediately went to the bedroom when he heard her call for him. On opening the door he saw her sat upright up on the bed, covers wrapped around her, shaking backwards and forwards. He walked towards her and cautiously sat down beside her, all to aware that he didn't want to startle her.
19:40
She couldn't take her eyes off the clock. It would have been about this time. This time one year ago he was pushing her against the door and grabbing at her clothes, her body, her soul.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry for pushing you out today, I just… it's now, it would have been about now. One year, Peter. I can't… I don't know what I'm trying to say, I just need you… hold me, please?"
He wrapped his arms around her and leaned her body into his. He gently kissed her forehead and rocked with her from side to side.
"It's ok, sweetheart. I'm here, you're not alone."
She felt his arms around her and at first she thought back to Frank. His arms. His hands. Travelling all over her body despite her best efforts to wriggle free. Then she felt his fingers, softly caressing her hand. A touch this soft could not have come from Frank. There had been nothing soft about their encounter on that day. She tried to concentrate on the motion of his fingers and match her breathing to it.
"He's gone. He really is gone."
Peter nodded his head and brought her closer still to him. If only he could have been there. At least he had the chance to be there now.
"I don't know what I ever did to deserve you."
She felt herself calming down slightly, his warmth steadying her breathing. She felt safe in his arms.
It had been a year. 12 months. 365 days. Yet here she still was. Frank was dead. Cold. Rotting in the ground. She was here with the man she loved, with the best friend anyone could ask her, with her factory. He was still in her mind, still in her thoughts and her memories but she was more than that. She was living. Breathing. She had made it through. On her darkest days she never thought she would but she'd proven herself wrong. She'd proven him wrong.