Heaven Can Wait
-O-
DISCLAIMER: I am not connected to Emmerdale and its characters, which belong to ITV
-O-
Aaron had never looked so sad. The day he had been dreading had finally arrived. He sat, perched on the arm of the chair, with his feet on the seat. Hazel was upstairs, preparing the last drink she would ever make for her son. Jackson was in his wheelchair, a few feet away.
"I can't imagine a world without you," Aaron said, his tears beginning to roll down his face, "Are you scared?"
"Not so much," Jackson answered, his own tears starting to fall.
"Liar!" replied Aaron.
"I've got you here, haven't I?"
"Yeah; and I've got you. But not for much longer; don't you care what this is doing to me?"
Jackson fought back the wave of pain that engulfed him as he looked at Aaron's sorrowful face, "I'm sorry, Aaron, truly I am."
"If you're not here, then my life's over too, don't you know that?"
"Emotional blackmail now, is it?" Jackson's tears were now flowing freely.
"No, just stating a fact," Aaron gulped between his own tears, "Whether I'm alive or dead from this point on, it makes no difference; without you, it's all pointless!"
"You'll find somebody else, in time."
"I tried that; with Flynn. It will be the same with anyone else I might meet, it won't be you! You are the one I want, the one I need, the one I love. I'll never stop loving you, never!" Aaron began to sob, he had wanted to be strong for Jackson's sake, but it was all too hard to bear.
"Alright," Jackson said, his voice cracking with emotion, "I can't do this to you! I've seen you like this before, in court, at the hospital, before the sky-dive, I can't bear to put you through it anymore, it's breaking my heart. I'm being selfish, I should be thinking of other people's needs as well as my own."
"It's a bit late now! You won't let me try to show you that life is still worth living. I just wish you'd let me get you some help; some proper help I mean."
"A counsellor? Yes, OK, I owe you that much."
Aaron, who had been staring at the floor intently, looked directly into Jackson's eyes, "You mean...?"
"Yes," Jackson sobbed, "I've changed my mind! I can't stand it; to see you so unhappy; I will be free, but you never will be; and I can't do that to you, I love you too much to take your life as well as mine."
"But I don't want to force you to live like this," Aaron said, "It's not fair; I don't want to be the one to make you live a life you can't cope with."
"Aaron, I know how much you love me; I can cope, as long as I've got you!"
"You know you've got me! I'll do anything for you, anything!" Aaron jumped down from his perch on the arm of the chair and threw his arms around Jackson, giving him a long, lingering kiss. "I love you so much!"
"I love you too!" Jackson's face was contorted with emotion, "I love you enough to try to make a go of it, for your sake."
"No," Aaron gently cupped Jackson's face in his hands, "not for my sake; for yours!"
Hazel came down the stairs at that moment. Seeing the two boys hugging and weeping, she started to cry herself. She thought that they were sharing their last moments together.
"Don't cry, Mum," Jackson said, looking at his mother's sad face, "It's all OK now. I can't go through with it. Throw the drink away!"
"Oh- my- beautiful- boy!" cried Hazel, the words forcing themselves out between sobs. She pinched Jackson's cheeks and kissed his forehead, "Are you sure this is really what you want?"
"I've been thinking," Jackson started to calm down, "If I get you involved in this, you could get into trouble. I've tried to cover all the bases, but who knows what would happen to you after I was gone? I don't want to run the risk of you getting sent to prison, not on top of losing me too. It's not fair; I just can't do it to you."
"But your mind was made up," Hazel said, "You didn't want to live your life like this."
Aaron gave Hazel a dirty look, as if her words would change Jackson's mind back again.
"I don't, but I've got you two on my side. I know that you loved me enough to help me end it; so I've come to realise that I love you enough to try to make the best of things."
Hazel kissed her son once more; then headed back upstairs to tip the poison away.
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Aaron had hoped that the elation he had felt at Jackson's change of heart would last, but he realised that Jackson was still troubled; and that fact continued to worry him. He was concerned that Jackson's willingness to give life another chance was just another cover-up for his true feelings. He had been down this road before, believing that Jackson had turned a corner when, all along, he was putting up a front; hiding his true emotions from those he loved. In short, he did not know if he could trust Jackson; he did not know if Jackson was being honest with him and Hazel. Aaron wished that he could be happy about the situation, but the seeds of doubt were there. He knew that he preferred having Jackson alive and how things might have been if Jackson's original wish had gone to plan, but that did not stop him fretting about the situation.
Jackson was in his chair in Dale Head when Aaron called round.
"How are you feeling?" Aaron asked his boyfriend.
"Alive!" Jackson replied.
"Don't joke about it!" Aaron scolded him, "Do you have any idea what I've been going through?"
"Yes, I do, sorry! It's just that I am still stuck here in this chair; unable to touch you, to hold you. Is that enough?"
"It is for me! Just having you here to talk to means the world to me! I'm sorry that you can't feel anything; well, not physically, but you can feel stuff inside, can't you?"
"It's not like you to open up like this!"
"Well, maybe if I open up a bit more, it will stop you from going down the route you took before," Aaron looked pensive.
"Maybe, but ask yourself, is it enough for you; not to be able to take me to bed and make love to me like you used to? All I can do is lie next to you, unable to jump your bones like I want to; I want to so much!"
"I know, but it is enough for me just to have you near; to be close to you."
"Is it? You must be going nuts; not getting any! I know I would be, in your shoes!"
"It doesn't matter!" Aaron tried to reassure Jackson, "Of course I'd like us to go to bed and have sex, like we used to, but it's enough for me just having you here. I've come to realise that love is more important than sex; I can do without it."
"Are you being really honest?"
"Yes; really."
"Listen, Aaron, I don't mind if you want to go out and have fun. Find somebody to take care of your physical needs. No strings!"
"What do you take me for?" Aaron looked genuinely shocked, "Like I said, being with you is enough for me! I don't want casual, one-night stands that mean nothing. All I want is to sleep next to you at night, that's what's important; what makes me happy."
"Ok, whatever you say! By the way, Mum's arranged for me to have a carer again; I might even get Joe back if I'm lucky! I've got my first appointment with the counsellor tomorrow, too."
"That's mint!" Aaron beamed, "I'm so proud of you; having the strength to give it a go!"
"That means a lot! Give us a kiss!"
Aaron cupped Jackson's face in his hands and kissed his boyfriend passionately. He broke the kiss and looked deeply into Jackson's eyes, "You can feel that, can't you? You'd miss that, wouldn't you?"
"Why do you think I changed my mind? That's the closest thing to heaven that I know!" Jackson smiled.
Aaron continued to stare into his boyfriend's big brown eyes; those eyes that he loved so much; and said "Heaven can wait!"