I don't know why I wrote this, It was just in my head for some reason. It gets pretty grim, so please remember its rated M for a reason, and check the list of warnings below before reading. the dots denote a time skip, and its usually pretty obvious how much time has passed. Let me know if you spot any mistakes and suchlike.
Warnings: Mentions of homosexuality, and relationships, very very very loosly inplied sex, self harm, drug use, foul language, character death, AU.
If you think I've missed something, or you want to chat about any of the themes in this, message me, or drop a review etc. I'd love any feedback on my writing as well, since I don't normally write in present tense and I don't know how well it works.
Thanks! And on with the story :3
Sasuke is five when Itatchi walks out. It's not much of a walk, on reflection, it's more of a pain filled limp, but it's a walk none the less. He leaves under his own steam, eyes filled with grief but facing forward, his left bruising already from Daddy's angry hands. And Mummy's crying into a handkerchief over her broken family -but she's not doing anything- and no one's explaining what's wrong with Itatchi-nii, Daddy says he's sick and unnatural, and he won't have one under his roof, not in my house boy - get out!
Sasuke's clutching his little stuffed dinosaur his eyes wide and shiny with confusion and he's asking question after question -and Mummy's crying even harder and Daddy's face is so red and he's shouting himself horse about unnaturalness and sin and Daddy? What's a deviant? Why is niichan leaving? Mummy where is niichan going? Mummy will he be back tomorrow?
And Itatchi's pleading -pleading- with Daddy, can't I say goodbye? Can't I explain it to him? He's just a baby please- and Daddy's got Itatchi by the collar and he's forcing him out the front door raving and shouting the whole time, and niichan's struggling to shake him off and breathe at the same time. And the last thing Sasuke sees before Daddy slams the door are the tears trailing down Itatchi's lined cheeks.
•
Tomorrow is rainy and it's Daddy who gets Sasuke up for school because Mummy's too sleepy to get up and Itatchi-
Itatchi left him and didn't say goodbye.
When Sasuke asks, Daddy says Itatchi's never coming home, that Sasuke's his only son now. That he left early enough so that Sasuke wouldn't be tainted with the same perversions.
Sasuke doesn't know what those words mean so he asks Iruka-sensei at lunchtime.
Iruka-sensei is surprised, his usual honey skin tone pales slightly and his smile dims. Did one of the other children say those words to you Sasuke-kun? Sasuke's worried they might be naughty words, maybe he's not supposed to say them in front of people? But Daddy was saying them yesterday when he made Itatchi-nii leave, so they can't be naughty words can they? Iruka-sensei's face is sad for a moment and his eyes are lost before his smile is back and why doesn't Sasuke-kun go and play with Naruto-kun on the climbing frame? They're not rude words Sasuke-kun, but they're not very nice so you shouldn't say them to others, go on and play now.
((It's only later when his partner gets home from work that the smile that doesn't reach Iruka-sensei's eyes drops completely and he's sobbing into his partners shoulder that another kid's homeless and hopeless, going though the same things they did before they found each other. And Kakashi's rubbing his back and calming him down while the dogs scamper around their feet unhappy because one of the pack is hurting and they can't fix it.))
•
Sasuke's thirteen when he gets pulled into the Headmistresses office for fighting with Kiba. But he started it Miss! He said I was a fag like my brother- and she won't have language like that in her office Uchiha, no matter how much of an influential bigot your Father is.
Sasuke's in detention after school all week but he doesn't care. Mum never leaves her room any more and Dad's always drunk or passed out on the couch, really he's not missing much.
In detention, he sits next to Gaara and fails miserably at starting up a conversation. Gaara's too busy drowning in the angry blood hammering away behind his ears - he's terrified he'll drown, so terrified, he knows it's time to let a bit more out, to somehow relieve the pressure splitting his head open and he's fumbling around with bloody razor blades in the bathroom at home while his sister's pounding on the door, hurry the fuck up! What are you doing in there, you sick freak?
((And wouldn't Iruka-sensei just cry if he know there was another one? The never-ending cycle repeats.))
Itatchi's still living on the streets, the lines on his young face are even deeper now, he's giving up, giving in, has been since he was fourteen and his father threw him out for kissing another boy. He would have died already but he caught sight of Sasuke's face as he hung out with his friends at the trendy coffee shop down the street.
And what a burst of sweet pain that had been? It sends him right back to Kakuzu begging for something to take the edge off it, he knows there's nothing to take it away completely, there's always a hollow dullness left behind - along with the lead like feeling in his arms and legs and the taste of cotton buds in his mouth.
And how are you going to pay this time Itatchi-chan? You've used the last of your change haven't you? I'm sure we can come to some sort of arrangement, ne, Itatchi-chan?
Later, Itatchi is sitting by the river side feeling used and abused and so raw inside that he'd throw himself in but he can't quite muster the energy for it.
((And he'll be back at Kakuzu's place next week asking for something to stop his hands shaking, and as the sharp edge of the table top bites into Itatchi's stomach he wonders if Kakuzu's price was too high this time, but it'll all be worth it later when his veins are singing with the warmth of the drug and this time, just for a moment, Itatchi will feel nothing at all.))
•
Sasuke is eighteen when they ask him to come down to the station, he's not sure why at first, Kiba gave him a joint at a party last weekend, and what is this about officers?
PC Yamato says nothing, he doesn't know how to phrase it, we need someone to identify a body and neither of your parents will do it, we asked, Mum cried into a handkerchief and Dad, your Dad laughed and said he was glad the sick fuck was dead. You must understand officer, its a crime to let those filthy degenerates live in our society.
((Yamato doesn't understand, and from the look on his face neither did PC Hatake. PC Hatake who'd come over with his partner to talk to Yamato's son, the night Sai had come out. Sai who'd been so relieved he'd have someone to answer his questions without his fathers stuttering and blushing.))
On the ride down there PC Hatake's asking after PC Yamato's son, wondering if he'd finished the stack of books he'd been given yet? And he's laughing when his blushing and stuttering kohai admits to having read one in curiosity and found the plot enjoyable.
Sasuke doesn't hear any of this he's too busy trying not to remember crying into his dinosaur plushie the night Itatchi left.
His stomach's rolling as they pull back the sheet and he knows it's his brother without even seeing but he's got to look anyway.
Itatchi's face is cold and pale. Its like an unmovable ice sculpture, inhumanly beautiful but so otherworldly it is almost painful to see. He's so thin its unbearable, Sasuke wants to reach out and touch him but he's terrified he'll cut himself on the atmosphere alone, it feels like he's breathing in needles an they're catching in his chest.
And Sasuke's in a waiting room with a hot drink and a blanket over his shoulders while PC Hatake's trying to find out if there's anyone to come and pick Sasuke up? Sasuke doesn't know, doesn't care, he's too busy not remembering Itatchi's dead face, he's sure it will follow him forever.
((Iruka-sensei cries at the funeral, despite Kakashi's warm arms around him. Sasuke's parents don't go, Mum won't leave her room and Dad, Dad's passed out on the couch. Really he's not missing much. Sasuke sits in the front row ignoring the priest and the consolation of his friends. Naruto and Sakura don't touch him, they know better than to push him, he'll talk when he's ready, though it might be months before they hear his voice again.))
And Itatchi, Itatchi is twenty six when he freezes to death in an alleyway. He doesn't notice the cold, he's numb inside by now, as the life slips out of him with every hitching, gasping breath, he thinks he's finally found the nothingness he's been searching for.
If he doesn't look too hard, he can almost believe it's peace.
•
Fin.
Notes: Sasuke's dinosaur plushie is a reference to an absolutely adorable picture I saw on deviant of little kid Sasuke cuddling a dinosaur plushie, which I think was called Mr. Roary. I don't know who drew the picture, so if you know tell me in a review so I can credit?
The Japanese honorifics used are as follows:
Niichan/Niisan? -nii, Older brother.
Sensei, applied to teachers.
Kun, applied to young men or boys.
Chan, applied to girls, or in an attempt to be condescending (as it is used here).
Kohai, used to refer to someone with less experience than you, for example a less experienced employee or student (In the series Yamato refers to Kakashi as Senpai, Kohai is the reverse of this).
And lastly, please review! If you feel like it :D