A Romp Through Ponyville

(I do not own any of the Pony characters, nor any real estate in Ponyville. I do however, own the character Breck Haines. She's my alter ego, so to speak )

Stupid horse.

That's all he was, one big bone-headed buckskin gelding. I've owned a lot of horses in my time, some smart, some not-so-smart, but when it came to sheer brainlessness Taw took the cake. Hell, he just up and took the whole bakery in that department! Just when I thought I figured out his quirks and could prepare for any idiocy he could perform he went and threw me!

Now if it had been something along the lines of blowing trash that had spooked him, or a loud bang, or a dog rushing between his hooves I could forgive him for that but…a shiny spoofy cloud? Come on! Yes it appeared suddenly, floating all pinkish and sparkly but for pete's sake it was just a CLOUD! A poof of glitter from somewhere. A kid's party balloon popping perhaps? I didn't hear much of a pop, more like a 'pfft' and then it was there.

And that stupid moronic mustang spooked and threw me off right into it!

As weird as that cloud was, the fall was weirder. It seemed to take forever to hit and I couldn't even see any ground, trees, bushes or dirt as I was surrounded by that danged sparkly cloud. Then I hit. And hit hard too!

Hard and flat on the hard and flat ground. Ow.

Ever have the wind knocked out of you? It's not as simple as taking a deep breath to replace what was squashed out of your lungs; it's like trying to re-inflate an inner tube stuck under a Saint Bernard with a hand pump. You just lie there taking in short quick gasps and wondering if someone would help you by shoving a tube down your throat and blowing into it. There's little sparks floating in front of your eyes and everything you see seems to be in the midst of a thick fog.

I can still hear pretty good though, as I laid there imitating a grounded carp. Voices, there were people around me, somewhere. Good. Somebody please call a paramedic then?

"What…is it?" came one small voice from somewhere near me.

"Where did it come from?" came another.

"Is it…dangerous?"

"It doesn't look like it is. But one can't be sure. Stay back, for now."

"Aw I can handle it, if it tries anything," That rather arrogant voice sounded more masculine than the others. A teen, perhaps.

"But what –is- it, an ape?" the first voice insisted. "It's…ugly, isn't it?"

Ok, that's enough of that, I figured. I shook my head, trying to clear it and made an attempt to sit up and heard some scuttling sounds as if a group were hurriedly backing away. I blinked but found my glasses had been knocked off my face and were somewhere else. Great. Just bought the danged things too. My squinting about only produced vague roundish shapes still draped in that stupid sparkly cloud. They really must have a problem with glitter smog then.

"Careful, we don't know what it can do."

"Well, it certainly ruined a perfectly good picnic, that's what it did!" a voice ladened with a country accent put in rather peevishly. "Who spilled lemonade on my apple fritters?"

"I'm sorry, Apple Jack, that was me. I was just so startled by this….creature that came crashing down."

My head now felt like it was swelling to three different sizes and some imp with an ice pick was trying to poke my eyeballs out from the insides. I rubbed my head and tried not to feel sick from it all. "Oh man." I moaned. "What happened? Where am I? Where's Taw! I am so going to turn him into the latest flavor of dog food!"

"It talks!"

Oh-kay. That didn't clear anything up. "Does anybody see my glasses?" I asked a bit weakly. I had managed to get into a sitting position with my knees up and leaned my head against them, closing my eyes. I did not feel at all well. The whole ground seemed to have turned into a slow Tilt-A-Whirl. Stop this ride, I need to get off!

"Glasses? Anyone see any glasses?" There was more shuffling about. I hoped they wouldn't be found by someone stepping on them but then came "Here they are! I think."

The familiar feel of my eyewear was thrust into my left hand and I gave a nod of thanks. Lifting my aching head I put them on then looked about.

Ponies. I was sitting in the middle of a herd of ponies. But what ponies! Since when did Equus caballus come in technicolors? And is that a….I squinted again…a –horn- on the forehead of one of them?

Somebody sure went through a lot of trouble to paint and deck out this herd. Were they in a circus, or in Las Vegas? Trouble was, it just all looked so natural for them! I studied them and they seemed to be studying me right back. Well, time to get some answers. I heard voices but have yet to see the people. "Hello?" I called out, looking about. "Hello! I need some help here! Anybody here?"

"Well, I –like- that!" came the country-sounding voice again. "Of all the nerve! Talking like we ain't even here!"

I turned my head, carefully, and stared straight into the face of an orange pony with, of all things, a cowboy hat on! Her extremely large green eyes stared right back into mine. "Eh-excuse me?" I said carefully.

"You might say 'Sorry' instead. It makes for a better apology,' it answered.

I blinked. The apparition remained. Then I said something absolutely brilliant.

"You…talk."

"Ah, yes. I do. Ever since I was two months old, as a matter of fact!" The orange pony snorted. Turning to what appeared to be a unicorn besides it, it held up a foreleg to the side of its mouth and not-quite whispered "You sure it's not dangerous? It doesn't seem –all there-!"

"Well, it –did- have a nasty fall, Apple Jack." Dang, the unicorn talked as well! "Perhaps it's hurt!"

"Just to be safe perhaps it should go back to where it came from." This was from a yellow pony with a great floofy pink mane. And…wings? I swallowed hard. I definitely wasn't in Kansas anymore and I didn't even have a Toto!

"Aw I think it's cute!" gushed a very tiny white unicorn with a curly purple mane. "Can we keep it? Can we keep it?"

"I don't think so, Sweetie Bell. We don't know anything about it."

Nice, I had just been downgraded to a stray. Enough of this. Dizzy or not I decided to try to get to my feet. If my body decided to eject this morning's breakfast it might keep these weird talking creatures at bay. I staggered a bit and grabbed a nearby tree branch for support. Finally at full height I took a deep breath.

"Ok, ok, let's try to make some sense now. Where am I? How did I get here and…" Here I looked at the group of colored talking ponies again. "Just who and what the hell are you?"

"There's no need to be impolite," the unicorn spoke up. "I'm sure this is just a slight…mixup and all will be resolved soon. My name is Twilight, these are my friends and you're in Ponyville Park."

"So don't try nuthin'!" That was the self-assured teen male voice I had heard before, right besides me, somewhere. I looked down and instead of a talking pony there was a green and purple chunky….reptile thing.

"Great. Talking horses and now" I rubbed my forehead. "A talking lizard."

"Lizard! LIZARD!" The creature was enraged. It stalked in front of me and stared straight up, fists clenched and rather sharp teeth showing. "I. Am. A. DRAGON! A DRAGON, got it! NOT. A. LIZARD!" It poked my kneecap firmly with a pointy clawed finger. Even through my jeans it hurt. "A DRAGON!"

Riling up the locals never does bode well so I held up my hands. "Ok ok! Sorry! Sorry! I never met a dragon before! They're…not exactly common where I come from."

"And where do you come from?" Twilight asked. She seemed to be the leader of the group.

Good question. I knew where, of course, but how to relate it to wherever this place was? "Um…North Carolina."

All I got was blank stares from the group.

"USA?"

They started looking at each other.

"Earth?"

"Let's try another question. Who are you?"

"And WHAT are you?" the dragon put in.

I wasn't sure how to answer that last one, I gathered there were no regular people about in this place. "Well, my name if Breck Haines and I'm a human."

"Heuy-man." The dragon mouthed the word as if it were bad cheese. The ponies simply looked at each other again.

"Wait, let me guess, we're extinct here, right?"

"Truthfully I have never heard of any such species." Twilight said, a slight frown furrowing her large eyes. "I am going to have to do some research. In the meantime can you give us your word that you will not do nor bring any harm to any of us or our world?"

I plomped down in the grass again. "The way I feel right now I couldn't bring any harm to a drowned minnow. Look, I'm not looking to hurt anybody or anything. I just want to get this straightened out so I can get back to my home. And kill Taw." I added under my breath.

"In the meantime we have a picnic here!" came a cheerful call from a very pink pony. So pink it almost hurt the eyes."Let's not leave it to the ants! C'mon!"

This caused a lot of cheers from the group of very small foals and they rushed towards a large table set with a huge amount of typical picnic goodies. The orange pony remained besides me.

"I'm Apple Jack," she said cheerfully. "Sorry if I was a bit brisk but you…" she looked me up and down. "You –are- a bit strange! Care for a fritter?"

My stomach didn't feel quite ready for such rich fare. "Maybe just a cool drink?"

"A nice tall glass of apple cider comin' right up!" she trotted off, leaving me wondering if I just hadn't hit my head on some tree branch somewhere.

Now that would be the easiest explanation, my body lying in a trauma unit somewhere and my mind simply taking a nice little trip through Lala Land. I decided to seize on that as fact and felt a bit more cheerful about this whole thing.