Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ.
Story: Gohan has insane suitors because of one stupid tournament.
Set after Cell but before Buu.
Spoilers: Probably a lot without me even noticing.
Warnings: Dunno.
A/n: Looks like I'm revising this so look out for a lot of changes, grammar, spelling, and content-wise. I'll be revising so all chapters will be at equal length, that means the old shorter chapters will be longer, etc. It'll still be crazy and mostly crack…I have the original files on hand and will be keeping them for…sentimental and reference value. Not that the original stuff won't be included in the revised edition. I may up the rating because I'll probably be adding some strong innuendo and etc, considering I am older than when I started this. Not that I wasn't as crazy and perverted back then ('cause I was), I just didn't write it as well or as shocking as I do now.

"I hope your cellmate thinks he's God
But C.N.N. refer to him as Bowling Ball Bag Bob
Serving time again for abuse of a corpse
Only this time the victim's a Clydesdale horse
While he masturbates to photos of livestock
He does the Silence Of The Lambs dance to Christian Rock
Eats feces and quotes from Deliverance
And fights with his imaginary playmate Vince …" –I Hope You Die by the Bloodhound Gang

A Ticket Out of HFIL
Revised Chapter One: Announcing All Resident Crazies (otherwise known as An Ordinary Day in HFIL?)

Another day passed and no one noticed a change in HFIL, also known as the Home for Infinite Losers. The usual stiffness in the atmosphere present sent a little group to another level of insanity and bore. This group consisted of Cell, Freiza, the Ginyu Force (minus Ginyu), and Koola. Having nothing to do, they were trying to alleviate their boredom through their usual means.

Hence, Freiza and Koola playing some kind of drawing game where they had to guess what the other had drawn (a very crude version of the picture game because not only were they using the soil to draw on, but they were guessing and drawing with no rules and no turns), the Ginyu Force attempting to create a cheer and then practicing it (including moves they'd taken from their favorite movie Bring It On), and Cell playing solitaire by himself and trying not to kill the others (or himself).

Suddenly, some whack head zipped through, making the group fall from their perches from their dark spiky mountain. Freiza let out what was distinguishable as a grunt. Not that he did it to cover up the girlish scream he'd let out before…

"How rude!" Jeice exclaimed. Everyone nodded and went to sit back. The whack head came flying back and came to a stop in front of them. The whack head cleared his throat and everyone sat up in anticipation.

"Hear ye! Hear ye!" and he was cut off by Cell who snorted. The whack head glared in response and was about to continue. "I said, hear ye! Hear ye!"

He was cut off again by Cell, who quoted in an exaggerated Shakespearean accent, "The lady doth protest too much, methinks."

"I wasn't aware the whack head was protesting," Freiza whispered to the others.

"Not protesting. In Shakespeare's day, to protest meant to vow or declare solemnly, which the whack job was doing –declaring solemnly for us to listen to him and to declare solemnly some news he wants to share," Jeice said in a matter of fact way.

The others stared at him in shock, including the whack head. He turned red from the attention he was getting, both from anger that they thought he was stupid and embarrassed they would think so and that they were all staring at him. Even some stranger thought he was an idiot.

"I thought he was a dunderhead," Freiza whispered to his brother.

Jeice glared.

Koola shook his head, "Too much Harry Potter, brother. And he's not stupid. He's dumb."

Steam was practically coming out of Jeice's ears.

"There's a difference?" Freiza asked.

"It's the level of idiocy. He's not considered stupid enough to be stupid, but he's a level down at being dumb. Besides, he's more of a pretty boy."

"Shut up!" Jeice roared.

They stared at him again and he just frowned and skulked in the background.

The whack head hesitantly continued, thinking he was surrounded by nut jobs. It was best for him to proceed cautiously. Very cautiously.

"If you follow me the Grand Kai has a challenge. The prize is a ticket out of here."

Koola smirked, "What a way to go."

Elsewhere on Earth, Gohan sneezed roughly. Blinking rapidly, he suspiciously eyed his room. Feeling warning signals, Gohan unreasonably checked his entire home and outside for anything suspicious. Finding nothing, he shrugged it off as his paranoia.

He still couldn't get rid of the feeling that something bad was going to happen, something bad to him…

Sighing, he went back to his studying and hoped he was overreacting. Perhaps he was getting a cold?

And elsewhere elsewhere, um actually just the North Kai's planet, Goku was pestering the Grand Kai.

"Hey, old man! Why do you get to call yourself King Kai? What makes you so special? You're just the North Kai, right? I should be King Kai!"

The North Kai was developing a tick in his right temple, gritting his teeth harshly.

"Goku, if you don't stop…" he warned.

"Hmph! I can kick your ass any time of the day! That's it. I'm King Kai for now on, got it?"

The North Kai screeched, then looked at Bubbles and gestured rather violently at Goku. The monkey got the clue, but just continued leaning back on a foldable lounge chair the North Kai couldn't recall ever seeing before or remember getting.

Bubbles wasn't interfering. Oh hell no! This was great entertainment. Seeing Goku pester the North Kai was hilarious, and the North Kai's reactions equally great. And he definitely wasn't interfering if Goku continued to get him cool things like the lounge chair he was currently enjoying.

"You must die! I alone am best!" Goku sung in an obnoxious, pompous voice.

The North Kai actually screamed this time, getting a mallet out of nowhere and chasing after a cackling Goku. Bubbles snickered to himself as he heard the two running full speed ahead all over the planet. Along with a few sounds of things crashing and breaking, the screams, yells, and crazy laughter were music to Bubbles' ears.

"I'm King Kai, bitch!" Goku screamed delightedly.

Bubbles scrunched his eyebrows together and said in an oddly British voice, "Isn't it, 'I'm Rick James, bitch?' And in an exaggerated ghetto accent?"

There was a pause in the commotion outside, with small squawks of protest coming from the North Kai every once and a while.

Then…

"I'm Rick slash Goku 'King Kai' James slash Son, bitch!" Goku said in a butchered ghetto accent. And then the commotion outside continued.

"Hmm, Goku needs to work on his ghetto accent. He does wonderful international accents otherwise," Bubbles said to himself.

Later on, after they were all settled and things had calmed down, they sat at the table and began eating dinner.

"Oi, North Kai, what was that missive you sent out earlier?" Goku asked.

"Nothing, oh great King Kai," the North Kai said the last part sarcastically.

"Yeah there was! What's so important?" Goku continued to pester the North Kai for information.

"I said it's nothing! It's none of your bees…" the North Kai trailed off, his mind changing gears.

"…wax?" Bubbles kindly suggested.

The North Kai glanced at him, disturbed. Bubbles had taken to talking recently, and it was with a British accent. He had no idea Bubbles was British…and if the monkey wasn't, where the hell had it taken that up? Hell, why was it talking?

Since when could Bubbles even talk?!

"Actually, Goku. Do you really want to know?" the North Kai teased, an evil glint appearing in his eye. This would be the perfect payback against Goku for repeatedly harassing him.

"Yup!"

Grinning evilly, the North Kai disclosed the details of the tournament the Grand Kai was planning on hosting, conditions and competitors not withheld.

Goku nodded sagely, "I would enter, but Gohan's my son, so that would be kinda weird."

The North Kai gaped at him. Wasn't the idiot aghast to know that his son would be the tournament's goal? Shouldn't Goku be protesting and woe-ing the fate of his son?

This was supposed to be his payback!

"I kind of want Cell to win," Goku mused, further shocking the North Kai. "I've always thought Freiza looked too freaky and feminine, acted feminine too," he muttered the last part. "At least Cell sounds male. Acts and seems more manly too. I'm sure Gohan wouldn't mind, probably be swept off his feet," Goku said bubbly as he grinned to himself, acting all optimistically and goofy.

The North Kai fainted. He just couldn't take it anymore.

Furthermore, Gohan shivered in his room, even though the temperature was like 80 degrees. Eyes darting nervously around him, he closed all his books and ran to his bed, flipping the covers all over himself and hiding under them.

Entirely creeped out, Gohan prayed to Kami that nothing bad was going to happen to him, not this year.

Please not this year…

A flash of lightning went outside his room and Gohan whimpered.

Goten stared at his brother's hidden form under the comforter and then left confused. Finding his mother, he tapped Chichi's leg and gestured to his brother's room.

"Kaa-san, big brother Gohan is hiding under the covers," Goten said in his cute 'Love me, I'm an adorable little boy with the power to use the dreaded puppy eyes' voice.

Chichi blinked in confusion, "Gohan's hiding under the covers? Why?"

Goten shrugged, "Something bad is probably going to happen. Probably to him."

Chichi looked thoughtful, "Something bad, huh? This kind of thing always happens to Gohan. You're probably right, Goten. Ah well, nothing can do about it. Oh, my poor son!"

Restraining from wailing any more than she had after that last part, she ushered Goten towards his bed.

"Now, now, Goten. It's late. You should be in bed sleeping right. Good night, sweetie! I'll see you tomorrow. Breakfast is early, your favorite. Blueberry pancakes."

Goten happily scampered away to his room to sleep, while Chichi was left behind to sigh in woe. Her family never gets breaks! Turning to see her mess of a kitchen, she glared and fire lit up in her eyes as she attacked it in fervor.

Whether her aggression came about from her son's situation or that she agonized over her kitchen's apocalyptic state (it had to be kept clean, the mess was so very horrible in her eyes!) was not known. Perhaps it was a mixture of the two.

We'll just never know the truth…and that is perhaps the best thing. The truth…is too scary to comprehend.

Probably. It's Chichi, after all.

Revision (1): Started 7/5/08 –Completed 7/5/08