Not my first fic, just my first Brittana fic :) I started writing this right after SEXY, but I got distracted. It doesn't follow the show EXACTLY, but it's relatively close. Please be gentle!
Poison & Wine
There was just something about the way the redness of the straining capillaries brought out the depth of color in those blue eyes. The green starburst around the pupil could stop you clear in your tracks. Eyes that rarely produced tears outside the confines of that mint green bedroom. Yet here they were, damp with the tears she'd been lucky enough to contain until she reached the unlit choir room. Sitting in her usual chair, Brittany placed her head in her hands and let the tears fall.
Santana walked down the hall towards her locker, her usual "kiss my ass" attitude nowhere to be found. The students still cleared the way for her to pass, not wanting to endure her wrath. With her head down, she reached the aluminum door and numbly spun the tiny wheel to three numbers until the lock popped free. She gathered her books and avoided her reflection in the small mirror magnetized to the inside. Before she could close the door, she felt the familiar charge she knew so well. It used to energize her, like a jolt of static electricity that caused every hair to stand on end and a warmth to flutter inside her chest. Now the adrenaline rush has been replaced by anxiety. The once comforting and addictive feeling she craved felt more like taking a sip of milk from the carton and realizing as it hits your tongue that it has expired days before. She wanted to run, but she'd avoided the blonde like the plague since Regionals.
Spring Break made it easier, not having to spend each day in class beside her. But now the sanctuary of a week alone in her room was gone. Back to the real world, and this real world sucked balls.
"Hey" The softness of Brittany's voice never failed to slip right through the tiniest crack in Santana's internal wall.
The brown eyed girl took in a shaky breath behind her locker door, "Hi." she replied, intending to sound stoic. She failed.
"How was your break?" Brittany asked, trying to catch her eye.
"I stayed pretty busy." Lies. All lies. She'd spent the entire week locked in her room, laying in bed watching reruns of BUFFY on LOGO, marathons on Bravo, and an hour long shower every day so she could release the tears that she wouldn't dare show her parents. This was the first year she'd not gone up to Lake Erie with the Pierce family. Her usual sun-kissed glow nowhere in sight. Instead, a pale, slightly gaunt, obviously drained Santana stood, her hair up in a pony tail, wearing a pair of ripped jeans, a striped v-neck sweater and a pair of chucks.
"We missed you at the lake… I missed you." the blonde spoke honestly.
"I had some family stuff to be around for. No big." She finally turned towards the taller girl. The dark circles under the dark brown eyes actually made them appear lighter. Brittany loved to stare into Santana's eyes. When she was angry, they were dark as night. When she was happy, they'd sparkle and the dark mahogany hue looked like the richest cups of coffee you'd ever see. Today, the red didn't shine. They were flat, like a dried up brown marker.
Brittany's face fell when she took in the brunette's appearance. She'd known the girl since First grade and had only ever seen her this way one other time: When her brother left for Iraq in 2003. They didn't talk about Spencer Lopez often. He hadn't been killed, but his experience had affected him greatly. He came back to Lima in 2007 but he extended his tour and had been assigned to Afghanistan. He wanted to stay and help. He was Santana's hero, but she didn't talk about him. It hurt too much. Brittany's heart dropped and she reached to grasp the Latina's hand like she'd done hundreds of times before. This time was different. This time, Santana's hand recoiled like she'd been burned.
The taller girl, who embodied innocence in nearly every sense of the word, looked as if she'd just found out Santa wasn't real. "San-"
"Hey Britt," The sound of wheels on the linoleum caused the dark brown pools to finally meet cobalt blue. Both girls exhaled what sounded like the last bit of oxygen that occupied their lungs. The ashy brown haired boy wheeled his way towards his girlfriend and her best friend, unaware of the moment he'd interrupted.
"I gotta go." Santana turned as Artie reached them, taking Brittany's hand in his own. Brittany looked down at her hand clasped with Artie's and a small smile formed at the corner of her mouth.
"What up, Sapphic Santana?" The words barely registered before the icy cold wave hit her. The sound of the slushy hitting the floor caused a wave of silence across the hall. The only sound was Karofsky's laughter as he turned the corner. "Why don't you get your girlfriend to clean you up?" with that, he was gone.
The brunette stood in shock as the sticky red substance caused her clothes to cling to her skin. She opened her eyes and was met with an emerald pair, gazing at her with an overwhelming sense of empathy. She, too, knew the sting of a slushie facial. No one deserved that. Not even Santana Lopez. Quinn released Finn's hand and started to step towards her when Brittany placed a hand on the Latina's shoulder.
"Don't." Santana snapped, pulling away from the touch like the blonde's hand was dripping with acid.
"Santana, pl-" Brittany pleaded.
"I said don't!" and she stepped back, shooting the blonde a look she'd never seen. A look of betrayal, anger, and agony. Just then, she felt a tender hand comfortingly placed at the small of her back.
"I got you." Quinn said softly, and led the sticky former cheerleader to the locker room.
Artie rolled up beside his girlfriend, "What was that about?" He asked gently as Finn joined them in the middle of the hall, the whispers from the other students growing as they made their way to their classes.
"I don't… I gotta go." Brittany said somberly and walked away, the sting of tears forming behind her eyes.
She didn't protest. She didn't flinch. She simply let the green eyed blonde carefully remove the remains of the red slush from her face and hair as they sat on the bench in the girls locker room. "One of these days, I swear Karofsky is gonna get it."
"Doesn't matter." Santana said softly.
"Like hell it doesn't matter." Quinn put down the damp towel and handed her a fresh one to dry herself with.
"It's not a big deal."
Quinn had never heard the fiery Latina so defeated. The blonde placed a kind hand on a damp denim knee, "Talk to me, Lopez." She was met with silence, so she was sure to tread lightly. "I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess this has something to do with what went down before regionals." Santana's eyes shot up.
"What are you talking about?" She feigned ignorance.
"The duet in Glee a couple weeks ago… The thing at your locker…"
"What thing?"
"I saw, Santana. You don't cry often so when it happens it's hard not to notice. Something major went down and you were clearly upset about it. I know I'm not your favorite person, but believe it or not you CAN talk to me." Quinn spoke gently, but securely.
Santana waited for the surge of fire to spark in her so she could tell off the former cheerleader and get on with her day, but she just didn't have the strength to fight anymore. She bit her lip and her normally smooth brow contorted with sorrow. The tears flew freely and she lowered her head to the shoulder of her childhood friend. "I told her I loved her." she choked out between sobs.
Quinn closed her eyes and the realization of what she'd seen finally came together. Her arms tightened around the brown eyed girl and she nodded softly, "she didn't say it back?"
Santana pulled back slightly and wiped her nose on the sleeve of her sweater. "She did." she responded hoarsely. "But she said she couldn't be with me because it wasn't fair to Artie."
Quinn reached up and wiped the tears from her friend's face. "Brittany's a good person. She couldn't intentionally hurt someone if she tried, you know that."
"Yeah? Well. This fucking hurts."
"I know it does. But you can't think that she's doing this to hurt you. I'm sure she's just as torn as you are." Quinn tried to reason with her.
"Oh yeah. She looks real torn." Santana spat back, pulling out of the blonde's embrace. Quinn didn't want to push, so she walked to the large red locker and pulled out some clean warm up clothes. Red track pants, a McKinley High P.E. shirt and a white track jacket. She handed them to the brunette.
In the midst of the internal pain, Santana forgot the new scars that had formed externally as she removed her long sleeved sweater. Quinn's gasp brought her back and she grabbed the clothes from her hands, but not before the blonde's slender fingers grasped around her forearm. "Oh Honey" Quinn breathed as her eyes examined the shallow, vertical scabs about two inches long up both of the Latina's wrists.
"Don't. It's nothing." Santana tried to pull free but Quinn did not release her.
"Santana Maria Lopez, What the hell were you thinking?"
"I was trying NOT to think, Teen Mom." Santana spat, finally breaking free of the blonde's grasp and putting the t-shirt on.
"Those aren't attention cuts. You did it the right way." she said softly. Santana's eyes met Quinn's for a moment before she continued changing into the track pants and jacket. She didn't say a word.
The bell rang, but the blonde didn't move. She pulled her knees up to her chest and lowered her head, the tears soaking into the cotton of her tights. It was Monday morning. Glee wasn't until Tuesday afternoon. She may not have been the sharpest crayon, but Brittany was certain she could be alone in the familiar room. Tears fell silently at first. Then the memories started to invade her mind. Locking pinkies, dancing, tender looks, gentle touches, the way they just knew each other completely. It wasn't even about the sex, which was perfect in Brittany's mind. It was about her heart. Santana WAS her heart. She was the reason she got ready in the morning. The last text she sent at night. The first person she looked for. The first person she told. The one she dreamed about. Even after she'd started dating Artie, she still thought about Santana. She assumed it wasn't out of the ordinary since when Santana was with Puck, but she'd still call Brittany to hook up whenever she was bored. They were always perfectly in sync. Yes, things changed when Puck started dating Lauren and Santana went to Sam, but they were still best friends. Brittany had Artie. Sexy time belonged with him now. She didn't realize how much she missed her friend in more than just a friendly way until the party at Rachel's house. The blonde swallowed a sob and remembered that night.
The music was loud, the alcohol flowed freely after Puck broke into the liquor cabinet. Santana had the bottle of Tequila and suggested body shots. Nothing new. But the moment the Latina's tongue met the salt on the blonde's stomach- she felt her heart flutter. They locked eyes as she placed the lime in her mouth, and Brittany wanted her right then. But there were so many people around, and sexy time with Santana was only for when they were locked in a room alone. The blonde rolled off of the table and straight into Artie's lap, placing a much needed kiss on his lips. Artie smiled. Santana took another shot straight from the bottle. Blue met Brown for a moment before Santana turned away and started fighting with Sam.
"Please say you love me back. Please." Santana's words echoed in Brittany's ears and she felt her heart constrict. She did love her. More than anything. But she also loved Artie, and he'd never done anything to hurt her. He was a good guy. She knew that much, and she knew she couldn't hurt him. The look on Santana's face when she pulled away from Brittany's touch in the hallway flashed in front of her eyes, and a new wave of sobs racked her slender frame.
"How's Santana?" Finn said as he placed some books back in his locker.
"She's crushed. I've never seen her like this." Quinn said softly, leaning against the aluminum and gazing at the half open Choir Room door beside her. She didn't think anything of it, figuring Rachel had run in there to play the piano or discuss her solo's with Mr. Schue and simply forgotten to close the door before leaving.
"I can't believe Karofsky slushied her. I never thought that would happen." the Frankenteen shook his head.
"She's hurting so bad, Finn." the blonde closed her eyes, unaware that the blue eyed blonde that had been wrestling with her own inner demons was now eavesdropping behind the half open door.
"Are you gonna talk to Mrs. Pillsbury?"
"And tell her what, that Santana tried to kill herself? It's not my place and Santana would probably kill me first if I told anyone. Obviously YOU can't say a word." Quinn poked her index finger into Finn's chest as he nodded in agreement and they walked towards their next class.
The tall blonde felt her knees give out from under her and she slid down the wall. The breath knocked right out of her chest. The agony she felt in that moment was more than she'd ever felt. Brittany had been hurt before. Injuries from dance, getting dropped from the top of the pyramid during cheerio's practice, etc. But she'd never hurt like this. She just didn't understand how things got so messed up and she had no idea how to fix it. She shook her head as Quinn's words echoed in her head. "What, that Santana tried to kill herself? Santana…Kill herself… Kill herself…" The sobs started again and Brittany whispered her best friend's name. She had to leave. She couldn't stay in that dark room anymore. She wiped her swollen, bloodshot eyes and opened the choir room door. She looked down one side of the hall as she stepped out, not noticing the dark haired girl coming up on her other side. They both raised their heads at the same time, causing a minor collision. They met each other's broken eyes and Brittany whispered "I'm so sorry" before running down the hall, disappearing around the corner. Santana stood there in shock, having rarely seen Brittany cry before. The blueness in her eyes so striking, she couldn't move. She couldn't breathe. She watched the girl that had broken her heart disappear as fast as she'd appeared, and Santana stepped inside the empty choir room. Closing the door, she leaned against the same spot on the wall and slid down, mirroring Brittany's position from moments before. The tears started again.
Around the corner, Brittany sat on the cold, linoleum floor. Her back against a locker. The tears falling without reservation.