Author's note: This Rayne story is a belated birthday fic for LissaMonster. She gave me the prompt Bathtub and this is the result. Hope you like it lass and sorry for it taking so long. I do get carried away sometimes. Thanks muchly to BigBadJane for beta-ing the fic. Mistakes and other boo boos are all mine, not his.

I own nothing...all characters belong to Mr Joss Whedon, even Radiant Cobb.

Enjoy.

"Bathtub"

"When was the last time ya had a proper wash, Jayne Cobb?"

That was pretty much the first thing his Ma had said to him when Serenity returned back to his home world. In fact, she asked the same question to the other members of the crew as well, but they didn't get a clip round the arm and no hug.

Radiant Cobb didn't mind dirt or sweat, it was what happened after a good honest day's work, but after three years of not seeing her only boy, she didn't much like him smelling like he did.

"I had a shower before we came here, y'know! I do wash!"

"In recycled water? Ya been on that boat for ruttin' months and when was the last time Mal got a fresh supply, water that yer can see clear through?"

Neither of them could answer the frightening little woman. The seventy year old may well have been barely five foot tall and looked to be a dear old lady with the wizened grey hair, a tatty dress and hobnailed boots, but she was no pushover. She may appear harmless in the slow way she walked, using a thick wooden stick as support, but the crew of Serenity knew all too well that this was only just one side of her. Apart from being the loving mother to a large family, caring and funny, Radiant Cobb could move shockingly quick when she wanted to.

She could be vicious and tough…those eyes of ice blue—Jayne had clearly inherited from her—had been known to reduce men to simpering messes and the walking stick was a deadly weapon. Jayne had said she'd killed with it once…caught a trespasser trying to steal their horses apparently. The crew weren't quite sure on how to take that story.

But Ma Cobb had been nothing but nice to them on their visits previously. They had been few and far between, but the crew were always gladly welcomed and well treated when they came…that was if they behaved themselves.

"He's the one that takes up all the good water!" Mal foolishly blamed Jayne when he caved under the little woman's stare.

"Hey! I'm not the only one on the ship what takes long showers, hundun!"

"Language, Jayne!" The walking stick lashed out at the merc and caught him on his back. When Mal sniggered, the Captain got a hit on his arm. "For that behaviour, the pair o'ya can go and finish off today's chores! The horses need tendin' to!"

Jayne and Mal were about to protest like chastised school boys, but the sound of the stick swiping through the air and just missing them was enough to have them sulking. The Cobb Matriarch herded them like sheep out of the house and down the porch. The rest of the crew and Jayne's family were trying hard not to laugh, just in case they were made to join them.

"Ya both can wash up proper when yer finished!"

Jayne and Mal had protested even more, but arguing with Ma Cobb—especially with Jayne's three sisters and the four women from Serenity present —was futile.

A few hours later they both returned, sweating and covered dirt and grime. They also stank. The merc and Captain were not best pleased that everyone else had been enjoying themselves and drinking homemade lemonade on the porch while they had been working for the ranch.

"Don't you worry, son. I made ya yer own special pitcher." Radiant smiled and had jabbed Jayne in the back with her walking stick—pretty gorram hard—to get him to move into the house. "Now go and git!"

He went to his old room to undress, and he was pleased that his nephew had kept it somewhat reasonable. The boy did have to do better in hiding his porn though, actually Jayne thought he might get the boy some of his own, they was more up to date.

Jayne brightened up when, as he stripped his drenched and foul smelling clothes, he saw that his ma had left him a couple of his favourite cigars on top of the towels and they couldn't have been easy to get. She was harsh sometimes, but she was the best.

Jayne's day got even better.

He put the towel round his waist, tucked one cigar behind his ear and another between his lips, and when he snagged one of Mattie's more acceptable magazines there was a squealing howl just outside and below his window.

Jayne roared with laughter. Poor Mal! The outside shower only put out cold water. Water heaters were luxuries on this rock and ones that actually worked and functioned were even more so.

Jayne listened to Mal's screaming howls for a little while longer and when he had enough fill of amusement, Jayne walked out of his old room and headed to where he could have a proper hot and relaxing bath.

Before he even approached the room, he could see the steam emerging from underneath the door and the heat felt wonderful. It took a long while to fill up the tin tub with hot water with pots and jugs—especially enough for him—so Jayne grinned and his teeth clenched the cigar as he thought of the long glorious soak.

His ma was right. Being in the black for long periods of time, washing with only recyc water…it left a scummy film on you that just wasn't good. It weren't nothing like the real thing. Bathing in real water, in a river or lake…or in the metal tub…it cleaned you. A shower did too…but you could relax in a tub.

The door slowly pushed open and the billow of steam wafted out and over him. The steam itself covered him in a blissful sheen that made him sweat more, but it felt to be a good cleansing sweat.

The good feeling didn't last long.

His hand took away his towel just at the same time the cigar fell from his mouth and the porn mag dropped to the slick tiled floor.

She was standing in the middle of his bath. No towel, completely nude and looking at him with wide astonished eyes. She was standing in the tub—all nekkid and more articulate then he'd ever seen her. Their mouths dropped open in shock.

"Ta shi suoyou diyu de biaozi de ma!"

"Zhòu mà qīn rù zhě!"

"Crazy! Get the gorram hell outta my tub!" Jayne yelled, oblivious that he was just as naked as she.

"This isn't your bath!" she yelled back, placing her hands on—hey, nicely shaped— thighs and glowering at him. "The Radiant mother said I could have it!"

"Ya not havin' my gorram bath, ya bra-!" Jayne's voice simpered a little, the anger was lost as he realised that River wasn't looking at him eye to eye. Her gaze was drifting all over his naked body, suddenly very curious and intrigued. She was entranced as if under some kind of spell and she actually bent down and stretched forward to get a closer look. He knew what she was looking at. Jayne clamped his hands over his privates, turned round and snarled. "Quit it! Stop lookin' at me like I'm some piece a meat and get out of the gorram bath!"

Her lack of reply made him turn his head to look over his shoulder.

River was now holding on to the end of the tin tub with both hands and as she leant forward, her left foot was up and supporting her on the side. She was still observing him like animals do to food, with hunger. It was such a provocative stance she held, that Jayne couldn't help but stare back at her in the same manner. Curiously tempting…it had been three years past and the girl had curved out into a much more appealing shape than just stick. The hot steam rose up and over her bare flesh, coating her with a wet dripping film of moisture, which drenched the longs strands of her hair and the delicate curls in between her legs…

He began to salivate.

"Di yu…that Crazy ain't girl…she's all woman….god she's makin' me hungry for a tasting."

"I'm not food!" River jerked up into a standing position again and her face and chest flushed crimson red at Jayne's continual staring. She was shocked that he was looking at her like this, that she had been doing the same to him, so she jumped out of the bath and grabbed her towel. She wrapped it around her and began to stutter and murmur words under her breath, agitated and aghast. "I just want a bath!"

"What's all this yelling fer?" came a booming angry voice. The door flung open and Radiant Cobb stood in the doorway looking at the scene before her. Her walking stick hit out but narrowly missed Jayne's legs. "What are you doing in here boy? I got the outside tub all set up for ya in the barn!"

When the walking stick did connect with the back of his bare legs, Jayne yelped and snapped out from the trance he had been locked in. He snapped his enraptured gaze away from the naked River Tam and sorrowfully looked at the equally tiny woman standing in the doorway.

"This…this is my bath." Jayne said, pointing to the tub filled with hot steaming water. "I thought you made this up fer me! I did all them chores for ya! Don't I deserve t'have a hot ruttin' soak?"

The stick lashed out again.

"Foolish child! An' watch yer language! No! It's fer the little one! I said she could have it!" Radiant shook her head. "Ain't gonna let a sweet tiny thing like her use the outside shower and cold water! She'll freeze!"

"Well, let her!"

The walking stick connected on Jayne's backside.

"OW! Ma!"

"Don't you be sayin' things I know you don't mean about the little lady! This is her bath! You can have the one outside!"

"But I'll freeze! Ma…you don't want ya only boy to shrivel up and freeze do ya?"

Cold piercing blue eyes glared back at Jayne and the naked forty three year old merc cowered with fear.

Jayne looked back over his shoulder and saw River seated on the stool by the tub. She was hopeful, her face was pleading with a little smile, that he would agree with his mother. He didn't want to, but he would have to cave if he didn't want to be beaten with the walking stick again.

"Fine. Have it." He growled. The growl lowered to a gratified grunt when his Ma gently and lovingly patted him on the arm.

"Good! Now don't let me catch you bein' mean to the darlin' again, y'hear?"

"Yes ma." Reluctance whined in his voice.

"Now get cleaned up! Ya stink worse than the horses!"

Jayne went to protest but Radiant walked away humming a rather cheerful tune, which Jayne understood all too well.

"Are you going to leave? My water is getting cold."

River was on her feet again and her hands were waiting to let the towel drop, but she was shifting her weight nervously, wanting Jayne to leave. He wasn't going to.

His lack of movement made her frown.

"Go away!" she said, more forcefully.

He didn't move. River tilted her head to one side and a fraction of towel fell over her shoulder. Jayne's eyes widened.

"You're going to watch me bathe?" she asked.

"Nope. I'm gonna have my bath." He took in some deep long breaths and took his hands away from his privates. River gasped. A little "eep" squeak emitted from her mouth and yet she still looked at the well-built merc with eager curiosity. Jayne sneered and in defiance of his mother, scooped up his cigar and magazine and got into the bath.

"But that's-!" River's protest was cut short by a triumphant and nasty laugh from Jayne.

"Just try an' get me to move, Moony!"

The tub was just big enough to accommodate Jayne's size. He wasn't able to stretch out fully, so his knees and upper torso couldn't quite submerge, but it was enough for him to wash, relax, enjoy his cigar and spend a bit of time enjoying the ladies in the magazine without too much discomfort.

"You did not think this through. I could go and summon your mother." River sneered, sticking out her tongue. The threat had the right reaction or part of it. Jayne's body shivered in fear, the prospect of his mother coming and seeing him like this was not something he wanted to get involved with, but he really wanted this warm bath.

"But I am not mean like you are." Said the girl, hopping herself and the stool inches closer to the tub. Jayne wearily watched her, wondering what she was planning and at the same time thinking on how those breasts of hers jiggled when she moved like that. "I will let you have your warm water bath."

"Good!" Jayne straightened his back and grabbed for a jug next to him. After placing his cigars and magazines down on the side table, he filled the jug with water from his bath and tipped it over his head so he could begin his wash. When the water had drained off of him and only drips fell from his face and down his chest, he saw River hadn't left. "Well? Get out!"

"Shall only let you have it, if you let me have mine."

Jayne rubbed a flannel together with a bar of soap and scowled.

"Have what?"

"A warm bath."

"Well, ya can't because I'm here!"

"There is plenty of room!"

"WHAT?"

The bar of soap slipped from the grasp of his fingers and flew across the room—smashing a vase to the floor— when River dropped the towel and arched her foot over the side of the tub.

Jayne's eyes and mouth widened in shock and awe at the full display of the twenty year olds body. Pale and beautiful, unblemished skin was hued with a heated flush of red and—oh gods—the small beautifully round breasts were there. Right there in front of his face and moving slowly and deeply in time with her breathing. Tempting him to touch…

He didn't realise that River was trying to scare him in to moving and jumping out of the tub. Jayne was normally good at reading people, but he hadn't a clue on what was going on. The room was a like a sauna and all he could hear were the babbling words of nonsense coming from his mouth.

"You are not moving?" River sounded confused. "Why are you not vacating the tub and the room as speedily as possible?"

"Huh?" Jayne didn't hear her right, he didn't hear at all.

"I'm getting in your bath! You have to go! Run and cry wolf! The crazy girl is being crazy!"

"Er…?"

River huffed angrily and planted both of her feet into the free space between Jayne's legs. Her mind was being affronted by some peculiar thoughts and emotions from the merc and his contradictory behaviour was maddening. She kicked some water up into Jayne's face.

It didn't do anything.

After a few more minutes, Jayne was still gazing up at her like someone kind of zombie and the assault of his emotions were beginning to make her dizzy, so she decided to sit down. River placed her hands on his knees and instantly slipped down between his legs. The tub barely had room for both of them, so she had to lift her legs and prop them over the side.

What was she doing?

Jayne vaguely said something along those lines, but he was still in shock. He couldn't or didn't want to move and every part of him went suddenly stiff.

"She's nekkid." He mumbled behind tight closed lips. "She's nekkid and in the tub…with me. I'm nekkid too! Go se. I'm so ruttin humped."

There was another splash of warm water at his face and then something collided with his head which snapped him out of his stupor. He stared angrily at River and jabbed the loofah, which had been thrown at him, in her direction.

"What the hell are you playin' at?" The end of the loofah poked at one of River's breasts and he instantly recoiled, making some of the water slosh over the side. "You tryin' to get me killed?"

"She's trying to have a wash!" River squeaked back—in the third person—and covered both of her breasts with her arms. "She was trying to get you to move! Scare the mean man-ape by getting too close and showing him her nudity! You would not stand up and leave!"

"I can't gorram do that now, can I?" Jayne went to gesture with the loofah again, but then thought better. He was seriously uncomfortable, especially with feeling her wet skin brush against his. "I can't leave, not with you takin' up all the room! I thought you were a ruttin' genius or somethin'! What part of that plan made any kinda sense to your crazy addled brain?"

River bowed her head to drop her hair over her face. She clearly didn't like that because she made another frightened little sound.

"You're standing."

"Huh?" Jayne felt the anger resurfacing. She was starting to talk gibberish again, because he wasn't standing at all. "No I ain't! Why don't you get up and get the hell away from me?"

He angrily smacked the surface of the water, splashing River. She seemed unperturbed by it, still anxious about something. She splashed him back.

"You are standing!" A little finger pointed at him. It angered him more that she wasn't making sense.

How can I be standin' when I'm sittin' on my gorram ass? Ruttin' feng le brat!

"No I ain't! Gorram it girl, clear as fuckin' day t'see I ain't standing up!"

"You have an erection!" She screeched, pointing again.

Oh! That's what she's gettin' at. He had felt himself harden, but he hadn't taken much notice of the way he poked out of the water, because he was too focused on her.

"Yeah…well. I get them. So what! Are ya gonna move yet?"

"You…got that because of…her…me?"

"It's difficult not to get one when I'm in the gorram bath with a nekkid woman! It's a damned shame that it's you!"

River looked up and Jayne almost regretted saying it. She actually looked hurt by that comment. She had never been hurt by his insults before.

"You would prefer it if…I…was Inara or Kaylee?" Her voice sounded sad and Jayne thought she might have even been close to crying. He hated women crying. "Am I not attractive like they are?"

Oh shit. Now she was getting emotional, he could hear it in her voice.

"Ain't sayin' yer not attractive," He said. "The attention my John Thomas is at, is proof enough. You piss me off, Crazy."

"You do the same for me." She offered up a weak smile.

"We don't like each other…made that clear 'nough over the years. So this…" Jayne gestured at the two of them in the bath. "This is…"

Wrong? Dangerous? Creepy?

He couldn't finish saying what he wanted to say. How could he say he hated it when his body was telling him differently? Jayne was such a damned hypocrite because he was still glancing at her body, especially at her legs as they propped up on the sides. He was wanting to run his hands up those legs, he was wanting to do some other things as well and it frightened him. This was the Moonbrain. This is the assassin who killed Reavers for a living and was way younger than him. Why was he feeling all funny with her? She weren't even his type!

"I understand." River lifted her head and with one hand brushed back her hair. Because she moved her arm, Jayne was given another glimpse of her breast and he let out a groan.

"So…ya gonna get out and leave me be?" he hoped, almost praying that she would.

River shook her head. He should have guessed.

"No. I am here and I need to wash. I might as well. You need to wash too. You smell."

Jayne growled. He told her again and again to leave, but River didn't. She sat there, between his legs, smiling and blinking those brown eyes at him as if them sharing a bath together was a normal thing. He should be enraged, he should be threatening her but whatever she was planning or scheming, he knew that there couldn't be much he could do, lest he incur the wrath of his Ma…and River as well. You don't really piss off a Reader who could kill you in two seconds with her big toe. Well not much beyond some names and some choice threats.

River shifted a little in the tub. The water sloshed around her body and she stretched out briefly before trying to grab for the flannel on the floor. The touching, the contact of her smooth wet skin against him only made Jayne's erection throb with a painful ache. No, this was not good.

Special Hell. Oh, I'm goin' there for this, for gorram certain.

"Conflicting emotions are causing confusion for both of us." River tapped the side of her head and then picked up a small bottle of flower scented soap, one she had brought from Serenity no doubt. She poured some onto the flannel and began to lather up her body. Jayne never felt so on edge. "We're unfocused. Everything is chaotic."

"Yeah…" his voice cracked and he had to cough. "You tend to make things go chaotic, Moony." He fell back into his trance as the bubbles and lather of soap formed all over her, his mouth salivated again as he watched her rub the flannel down her arms and over her chest. Damn…

"You say you hate me but you're thinking all these physical and sexual things towards me." River said as she continued to rub at her body. "She…I was unsure of what to do or how react. I wanted you to leave, wanted you to stay…want you to feel uncomfortable, but not. The girl is mixed up, flustered and bewildered but she is also certain, just like you."

He didn't know quite how to react to that. Jayne certainly had a few choice words he wanted to express, but there wasn't much else he could do. He could grab her legs, flip her round and throw her out of the bath, Jayne had the strength for that, she weren't exactly heavy. But it meant touching her, more than it did now and Jayne wasn't wanting to do that.

Stay still, don't do nothin'!

Let her stay. Let her have her gorram wash and then when she's finished, she'll get out.

He couldn't stand watching her wash herself. It was too much. He picked up the porn mag and tried to focus on some of the ladies on the pages, rather than think about the one sitting in the tub with him. But it wasn't easy. The water now had bubbles floating atop of it and the scent of her soap was stronger than his own unclean stench. It was her smell, the one he always noticed on Serenity…it was beyond overpowering now. He was trying not to think about her moving that flannel over her body and touching places that…oh cao di yu!

"RIGHT! That's it!"

He wasn't going to put up with it anymore.

"Ma Cobb…have you seen my sister anywhere?"

Radiant looked up from her book and looked around the living room, which was thankfully free from the crowd of family and friends for the first time this evening. The rocking chair creaked as she began to make it rock and she shook her head.

"Think she went out with my girls and yours. She is an absolute darlin' ain't she?"

Simon smiled.

"Thank you for saying. But she can be a brat sometimes."

"She's bin through a lot. I think her bein' here for a little while might make things a bit better. She's bin happy especially spendin' time with the horses. Very attuned to them she is. Never saw someone take to ridin' as naturally as she did."

"River is special."

"Not just to you, hon. Not just to you." Radiant put down the book and struggled to get up out of her chair. Simon came to help her and once on her feet the old woman thanked him gratefully. "Doc, your sis is special and it was wonderful to finally meet the pair o'ya. Go an' be with her and 'ave fun. I think I might retire for this evenin'. Got a big breakfast to make for everyone in the mornin'. Now Jayne's back I know I gotta get the extra portions in! He does have a helluva appetite!"

"You're not kidding there."

"I know my boy ain't your favourite person, doc." Radiant hooked her arm through Simon's and walked him to the front door. She took him onto the front porch and they looked out towards the red and orange horizon, watching the rest of the crew and the Cobb family in the distance. "He can be bad, he's too much like his father like that, but he won't be causin' your sis no more problems now."

"I wish River and I had met you earlier." Simon said, patting the wrinkled hand resting on his forearm. "You are not what I ever expected, being Jayne's mother…but I'm glad we came here. Thank you, for everything."

"S'all right, boy. Now go an'…" Radiant looked up and began sniffing at the air. Simon did as well and there was a distinct waft of cigar smoke coming from somewhere. Ma Cobb scowled. "Go an' find yer sis. Have fun you young 'uns…I'll see you later."

Simon was a little reluctant at first, but then the walking stick poked at his leg and he slipped out of the old woman's hold. He wasn't going to argue and get whacked with that thing like Jayne and Mal had been. He said goodnight and was startled with the speed the seventy year old scarpered away and up the stairs.

"JAYNE COBB! YA'D BETTER NOT BE DOIN' WHAT I THINK YOU'RE DOIN'!"

The door opened and his mother stood in the doorway, looking most displeased. Jayne snaked his hands round River's waist and pulled her up against his chest. The old woman gasped when the loofah suddenly appeared from underneath the bubbles and water with a loud "plop."

They were covered in bubbles and it was obvious to see what had been going on. River had a very big dopey grin upon her face and she looked tired-worn out-barely able to move a single limb.

"I can explain!" Jayne said. "Ma…honest!"

"You don't need to explain anythin' to me, boy!" Ma carefully entered the bathroom, observing the waterlogged floor and the broken vase. "I have told you, time and time again! If yer gonna smoke that thing then ya do so outside!"

end