We all stared at the small machine, eyes wide and in disbelief. That small tape was all we had left of her, the one thing we had to remember her by. To think that we drove Rachel Berry to that extent was impalpable. But it was true and that small tape was proof enough.
Thirteen. An odd number, an unlucky number, a baker's dozen. Also the number of reasons my life fell apart. Not to say my life was perfect but it was okay. Now it is torture. To have something so sweet and have it to be taken away is a most cruel fate. Whoever said "It is better to have love and lost than to have not loved at all" was obviously wrong. I was content with my loneliness because I never knew what it meant to have something so incredible only to have it taken away.
Thirteen is the magically odd number. The number that says we no longer are children but rather young adults. The number that changes people. The number that changed me. If there is one thing I pride myself in, it is my dedication and unwillingness to give up. Those characteristics are desired, needed, in order to make it to the top. And the top is the only place that would do for me. I never faltered in my goals. I always donned a game face. I never let anyone through my walls. Until I joined Glee.
Show business is all about luck. You get the right connections that give you you're lucky break. You are the lucky star of the surprise hit show and suddenly you're famous. In a way Glee was my luck. It proved that I had talent and it proved that I had the will to perform. Maybe Glee was the thirteenth best thing in my life because in the long run it made me unlucky. It showed me love and betrayal. It showed me friendship and animosity. It showed me the second side to my every coin. It showed me the truth because everything before Glee was just the opposite; A dream.
The show of generosity is too give without expecting a return. In a bakery a baker's dozen is thirteen goods for the price of a dozen. I like to think myself as a generous person but we all know that is a lie. I put time and effort into a club that never appreciates it. I give me time and effort to people who don't even give me a backwards glance. But I also hoard. I hoard the spot light. I hoard the best. I hoard dreams.
Thirteen is a number, a symbol, and a gesture. But thirteen is also a list. It is the why. Because we all know I didn't get here by myself. I had help and here are my thirteen reasons why.
This tape will go through that list and you will all listen because you all want to know the reason why. You want that confirmation that you couldn't possibly be part of the reasons that led to this. You want to hear the people who did this, you want to know it couldn't possibly be you because then how could you ever move away from the guilt.
So here we go, part one of the downward spiral. The reason this all began…
A/N- Originally this was going to be a one-shot but I decided to extend it and create one chapter for each reason. I know it is short but I want to see if a) anyone is interested and b) I want to separate the reasons into separate chapters.