The star on top the Christmas tree was just crooked enough to be distracting, but Kaidan didn't fix it. Why bother when this wasn't going to be the Christmas of his dreams. A real Christmas was driving up the a tree farm in Vancouver and spending an entire afternoon picking out then chopping down the perfect tree. A cup of his secret recipe hot chocolate to start off the evening of decorating. Lights, candy canes, bells and balls filled in the bare spots on the tree. Then came the tinsel. Finally cinnamon sticks tied to the braches as decorations. Tonight wasn't the same as home. Where was home? This apartment never felt like home.

Whenever he found himself in his Citadel apartment he cleaned. It gave him something to do when he could not get to sleep. His apartment was cleaner than any room in Huerta Hospital. Kaidan made sure of it. It was important to him keep up the illusion that everything was okay even with the destruction of the galaxy looming. Today, cleaning had a purpose. Anderson was coming over to share a holiday meal.

Shepard. Kaidan couldn't erase their memories from his mind. They had gotten into arguments before. He challenged her. She pushed him. But they talked it out over drinks and everything was good again. Ash's death made them admit their attraction had turned to love. That forced Shepard to make a call she would never have made if she kept everything professional. When he told her she made him feel human he meant it. However, seeing her let go of the commander allowing the sexy but vulnerable woman emerge filled him with desire and purpose unknown to him before that moment. He planned to spend his life protecting her. Then Shepard died causing his world to fracture. He still searched for those missing pieces of himself.

The buzz let him know his guest had arrived. Stepping aside a the Human Councilor Anderson looked more relaxed. The Alliance needed him.

"You didn't have to make dinner." Anderson joked.

"The prepackaged dinner did all the work." Heat and serve a holiday meal just like grandma use to make was on the label. "Besides I don't have anyone else to cook for."

"That's by choice."

"Maybe." Kaidan's head drooped under the weight of his regret. What happens now? Anderson didn't need to know he was still moping around because what happened between them.

There had to be some truth mixed in with the rumor. She ignored his apology. No communication since Horizon. Why wouldn't she face him? The woman he knew fought hard for the ones she loved. What did that say about who he was to her. And if she was who she said she was. The trust they shared was no longer there.

"Well," Anderson voice brought him back to reality. "we may need you to testify."

"So, the Alliance believes in the Reapers." Kaidan knew that was great news if they believed the threat.

"Command is gathering evidence from experts." Anderson continued.

"Experts, that's what they're calling us. Where is this testimony to take place?"

"At HQ."

Kaidan took another sip of his drink. "She's there, right?"

"Yes, but don't think of breaking her out because that would make things worst. It's best if we keep the Batarians thinking that we are punishing her for her crimes."

"I'd do it if I thought it would help. But knowing her, she'd sit there refusing to leave with me."

The popping sounds of quickly heated food fought to drown out the jazz renditions of Christmas carols. Anderson broke up the awkward moment by handing him his gift. Kaidan stared at the rectangle box wondering what it held.

"What did you get me?" He asked as he ripped into the gift. "This is a lot of paper. Must be something good."

"I hope you think so after you open it."

"What is it? An awful sweater."

"We found it in her cabin as we dismantled that other Normandy."

She kept this. A smile formed even though he wanted to stay mad at her for not responding to his apology. He remembered that day. Emily Wong caught them kissing by the fountain. Emily begged them to allow her to take their picture. She said they would thank her for it one day. He looked at the picture of them. He had made many promises he was unable to keep. They always thought they would have more time.

"Set things right with her, then all will be forgiven."

The rage built up within Kaidan making the pain attacking the side of his head worse. "I understand why she doesn't want to see any of us. Hackett set her up. He sent her out there on a . . ."

"That's classified information."

"Stop giving me clearance for classified intel if you don't want my opinion on it." He picked up the tiny box flipping in his hand as drained the last of his drink. The slight burn of the liquid as it slid down his throat was nice. Soon it would do its job. Numb the pain in his heart.

Kaidan knew when Anderson was saying something without saying it. "What do you want me to say? I still love her." Kaidan's voice was barely over a whisper. Every relationship in his life seem false compared to what he shared with her. "I do, but I don't know who she is anymore, if I ever did."

"When she came to see me after she returned, she demanded to know where you were. I'm the one who refused to give her any information on you."

That knowledge made Kaidan feel better, but it changed nothing. "Our first Christmas together on the Normandy, Joker made an announcement that someone had been naughty and would be receiving a lump of coal while everyone got pretty cool gifts." Kaidan recalled getting the coal in a box. He showed it to Shepard and they had a good laugh. "She told me holidays don't mean much when you're in space. I'm starting to think she was right." Kaidan tossed the ring box back under the tree. "Since Cerberus rebuilt her, it probably doesn't fit anymore anyway. I'm sure I can get something for it at the markets before I head back to Earth."

"I'd hold onto it. It's a symbol of what's most important. What the entire galaxy will fight for once the Reapers come."

Home.