It had been two years since his friend, partner and lover's death and he'd avoided the port city since then, living most of his life out of a bottle and barely contained rage that kept him out of Shinra's psych ward.

"Old Man Shinra had a good mind when he set the fraternizing policy into effect. It's a risk, not only to the stability of the department, but... I sound like a fucking manual, don't I?"

Fuck you, Rude.

Being in this place again only brought the memories back to the surface and he could feel two years of carefully constructed walls crumbling.

"Hey, Reno, why're we here, anyway?" The brunette head of the new Turk he'd mentored for years to bring into the program stood beside him, the light wind raising his hair gently and spattering it with mist from the sea. Reno turned to him with a baleful smile.

"Y'know, Rude always hated you. Y'nearly shot him. Brought you on the team m'self. For me. T'have something I had succeeded in. But you know somethin'? Only thing I ever succeeded in was fucking things up."

"What are you talking about?" Donovan leaned over the railing, eyes catching over the seashells left behind and the people wandering about below to snatch up the treasures, most likely for the shops they ran. He knew his mentor had been hurting since his partner's death. He'd come to care for the man over the years they had worked together. The boy made a gesture, offering forward something soothing and calming. "You wanna take a walk? Look for seashells?" His eyes caught against Reno's and he smiled softly.

Reno turned to the kid and ruffled his hair with his hand. It wasn't Clayton's fault. None of this was. He most certainly didn't know what he was asking of his mentor and friend. Reno hadn't talked about that weekend. Never once since coming home did it ever cross his lips. Not that it mattered now anyway. "Nah, Kid. Thanks, but I can't do that. Not with you. Not now. Not ever again."

Pressing cold steel against his head, he could see the smile fade and be gradually replaced by shock and then horror. With a loving smile, the rogue Turk pulled the silenced trigger, walking away before the boy's body had even hit the ground.

Reno quickly covered the distance across the boardwalk from where Clayton Donovan now lie to the stairs he and Elena had covered those years ago, treading as little of the white sand as possible. He couldn't touch the sand, couldn't remember how he'd felt. Their argument, their admissions, Rude's screamed admission of his love. The love Reno had been too terrified to return. The love he so desperately wished he could hold again in his hands, touch, taste, smell, run his fingers over slickened flesh wet from sweat and surf.

He hadn't realized how badly this had hurt.

It wouldn't hurt much longer.

He didn't bother shucking his clothes this time to make it out to the little alcove in the sand between the rock and beach and water. He didn't bother swimming out to the little sanctuary, shoving through the chest deep water. He climbed out of the water, careful not to crush the plant life, eyes lighting on their oasis. It had been theirs, the only person Reno had ever brought here had been his partner turned lover. They'd spent the entire evening here, loving on each other, kissing, touching, loving each other without words. He'd wanted to spend the rest of his life with the one person who attempted to understand, to heal his wounds, to make him whole. He couldn't stand the gaping hole his death had left where his heart should have been. Where Rude should have lived forever.

He'd looked so forward to that weekend.

Turning round and round, he took in the sight again with only one thing missing.

"Rude." His lover's name was whispered on aching melancholy, the breath escaping him on an offered prayer.

Reno walked out to the dell of water inside the trees and plants and touched it with his fingertips. It was warm to the touch, the sand underneath soft and white and beautiful.

It was only now Reno removed his clothes and lay back in the water. He'd worn his trunks underneath the suit. He had to remember the last time he'd felt well and truly special and loved. He and Rude had shared this place together. The place where no one else knew, the place where others had never tread.

The place he had come back to alone.

He would never bring another soul here. This place belonged only to him and Rude. He pressed his body into the sand where he and his lover had last been, craving to feel his touch. None came. Looking skyward, Reno sighed and relaxed.

"I'm ready for y'now, Big Man. Better be you who comes an' gets me. The cuts weren't enough. Time for more drastic measures, yo."

He'd been careful in his trek across the water to keep the gun dry. He didn't want it jamming on him.

Red hair against white sand. Rude had commented on how beautiful he'd looked there underneath him as they made love. Reno could almost feel the strong hands against his skin, touching, teasing; small kisses against salty, heated flesh. He remembered Rude's touch, his taste, his warm firm lips against his. Reno touched his lips, the soft tingle burning just underneath them. Closing his eyes, he rested his head in the water just the way he had before. Rude was there beside him, talking, laughing, smiling down at him. The shades had been discarded.

"The little things really mean a lot, don't they?"

"They do t'me, yo."

It was only to feel him again Reno had even bothered coming out here. Things had to be perfect. He couldn't go into the afterlife without the memories, his love, his wonderful, precious, healing love surrounding him, carrying him through, healing even now when he was beyond help or hope.

Rude had been his last effort, the one he'd allowed himself to go against the lessons he'd always been taught. He'd let himself want for something, let himself have it, only to have it taken from him, just like everything else in his life had been.

He wasn't about to let his father have this place with him. This was his and Rude's.

Warm hands against passioned flesh. Loving kisses pressed on lips and skin. The water against his flesh as they'd been together in sweet, loving bliss.

It wouldn't be the memories that killed him this time.

"Guess it wasn't the words that did it, Big Man. It was the thoughts that took you from me. I wish I would have told you before. But now's not too late. I know it's not."

All it would have taken was one touch, one kiss, one break, for him to have said the three little words his lover had never heard from his mouth, had never heard break his lips. Those three little words Reno had wanted terribly to say and could never bring himself to allow to pass for fear Rude would die, just like his mother, just like Ryun…

…Just like Rude…

Everyone he'd ever uttered the words to had died. He had thought Rude was safe from them if he just kept the words behind his teeth, wrapped his tongue around them, kept them from the pierced ears, his lover would be safe. It wasn't the words, it was the love. Reno knew better than to think he could keep from loving someone else. He'd come to care for Donovan and he couldn't have that. He couldn't deal with someone else marrying the same fate as everyone else. He'd ended it himself before allowing himself to care any more for the dark-haired boy.

Elena had Tseng. She was safe. Reno had worked to be sure she had someone before he'd enacted his plans. Unfortunately it would probably be her who thought to find him.

"I'm sorry, Elena. Love you, kid."

Rude had been so beautiful here. There would have never been enough time for him to have seen the tattooed flesh in the water, rubbed sun block over tanned skin, to have touched and teased and loved him. There just wasn't enough time. He'd only just begun to allow himself to love when it was taken from him.

"I love you, Rude." He allowed the words to sit with him and sink through the melancholy before repeating it again. It was nearly a balm for his soul, finally hearing the words. Too bad he hadn't said it to the only person it mattered to. "I love you, Rude." He took in the sights again, just as he and Rude had upon their first visit here. The trees gave a soothing shade, the water warm as it washed in from the sea. The birds that chattered above and the gulls who called from the sea. It was just as they had left it, the flowers, the ferns, everything. Just as it was the last time they'd been here. When they were together.

Pressing the barrel into his mouth, Reno pulled the trigger. The water around him tinted a stark crimson, a beam of sunlight breaking through the trees and lighting gently against scarred flesh, never to hurt anymore.

I love you, Rude…