Jezza Kyle: Hello and welcome to today's show, which is titled: My Ward has turned into a psycho bitch from… Hang on, who wrote this autocue? It's not that, it's: My ward whom I hath protected and provided for is trying to killeth me.
[Jezza looks confused]
Jezza: so, anyway… Let's get them out here and try to fix this! Please welcome to the stage Uther Pendragon and his ward Morgana le Fay.
[Morgana and Uther come on to the stage looking all regal (as they do) and sit in chairs as far apart from each other as possible (it's set out with 2 on one side and 2 on the other). Morgana looks haughty and glares at Uther, who doesn't look at her.]
Jezza: So, let me get this straight. She's trying to kill you?
[Uther nods]
Jezza: Why are you trying to kill him?
[Morgana sniffs, then glares.]
Morgana: I wouldn't expect you to understand.
Jezza: try us.
Morgana: it's complicated.
Jezza: you're trying to kill this man. The man who has brought you up and kept you under his roof, and, for goodness sake, stood in for your father.
[Morgana's nostrils flare, and she does the glare of death]
Morgana: oh, has he?
Uther: yes, I have.
Morgana: and what else? Not listened to me? Killed hundreds of innocent people? Put me in the dungeons?
[The audience gasps and mutters. Uther waves his hand vaguely.]
Uther: oh, that was one time! Let it go...
[The muttering increases.]
Morgana: it hurt my wrists!
Jezza: is this true?
Uther: yes. But I let her off many more times than that.
Jezza: you can't go around putting your stepdaught- ward… in chains and a dungeon.
Uther: it was the nice part of the dungeon.
Morgana: oh that makes it so much better.
Jezza: and how many times have you tried to kill him?
[Morgana looks away]
Uther: she isn't very good at it.
Morgana: someone keeps getting in my way!
Jezza: good! That's a good thing!
Morgana: it isn't.
[Jezza sighs and puts his hand over his eyes.]
Jezza: I see we have a definite problem here. Let's bring out Uther's son, Arthur. Everyone welcome Arthur Pendragon.
[The audience claps, and Arthur waves, sitting down next to Uther]
Jezza: Arthur, what do you think of how your father has treat Morgana?
Arthur: well, I don't see anything wrong with it. He's a lot easier on her than he is on me.
Morgana: he doesn't throw you in the dungeons!
[Arthur looks confused]
Arthur: yes he does.
Jezza: oh, so at least he doesn't discriminate then!
Uther: of course not.
Jezza: can you repeat for Arthur why you feel the need to attempt to kill Uther?
Morgana: BECAUSE HE'S A *BEEEEEEP*
[Jezza rolls his eyes]
{Jezza: language…
Uther: I brought you up better!
Arthur: Don't call my father that!} – all at once.
Morgana: He is my father too!
[The audience gasps]
Arthur: Father?
Jezza: Uther?
[Uther nods]
Morgana: Like I said, complete *BEEEEP*
Uther:Oi! I am the King of Camelot; you cannot speak to me like that.
Morgana: I'll speak to you how I like!
Uther: Morgana! What has gotten into you lately? [He sounds hurt]
Arthur: Time of the month, father.
Uther, Morgana, Jezza: ARTHUR! [Disapproving, shocked and exasperated, respectively.]
Jezza: we're not getting anywhere here…
Uther: I'm beginning to suspect magic is involved…
[Arthur sighs]
Arthur: change the record, father.
[Uther looks completely confused. He would. Records haven't been invented yet.]
Uther: I'm sorry?
Arthur: why didn't you tell me?
Uther: I couldn't…
Arthur: for goodness sake father, I'm your son, you could have told me!
Morgana: I'm his daughter! Do you not think I have more of a right to know than you do?
Arthur: you don't have the right to know anything! You keep trying to bump him off all the time!
Morgana: and you can see why!
Arthur: … no, actually, I can't.
[Morgana laughs]
Jezza: We do actually have someone else to bring on...
Arthur & Morgana: Who?
Jezza: Arthur's best friend -
Arthur: Manservant.
Jezza: Merlin!
[The audience claps again and Merlin ambles out, grinning. He sits down next to Arthur.]
Jezza: Merlin, what do you think about all of this?
[Morgana glares at Merlin. Merlin glares back (you know the one, the one where he looks like he's pissing himself laughing)]
Merlin: well. First of all…
[Arthur raises his eyebrows]
Merlin: she tried to kill me!
Jezza: what?
Arthur: seriously Morgana, what the hell is wrong with you?
Morgana: he-!
Arthur: he what?
Morgana: he keeps stopping me!
Arthur: Merlin does?
[Arthur laughs]
Merlin: he's always like this. I get no thanks.
[Jezza looks sympathetic.]
Arthur: what, really?
Merlin & Morgana: yes!
Arthur: Merlin?
Merlin & Morgana: yes!
Arthur: my Merlin?
Merlin & Morgana: yes!
Merlin: what?
Uther: my dear boy... [Reaches across and pats Merlin on the arm. Merlin looks bemused]
Arthur: wow. You must be more useless than I thought, Morgana.
[Morgana reaches across to slap Arthur, misses, and hits Merlin instead.]
Merlin: OW!
Arthur: Morgana!
[Morgana glares]
Jezza: We'll have none of that!
Morgana: I'm sorry I hit your boyfriend,Arthur.
[Uther splutters]
Arthur: he's not my boyfriend!
Merlin: that really hurt!
Arthur: girlfriend, if anything…
Merlin: oi!
Uther: ARTHUR!
Jezza: this isn't a show on coming out of the closet…
Merlin: neither of us are in the closet!
Morgana: they've been out for ages.
Arthur: we're not gay together, Jeremy.
Jezza: that's not what we're here to discuss. But you can come back next week…
Arthur: I'M NOT GAY!
Merlin: neither am I. I had a girlfriend once. Ah, dear Freya. She was a big panther with wings by night, but very beautiful in the day...
[Jezza raises an eyebrow and sighs. Arthur looks shocked]
Arthur: you had a girlfriend?
Merlin: yes. What's so surprising about that?
Arthur: you?
Merlin: well you're always with Gwen!
Morgana: [smirk] now, now boys. Have your domestics at home.
Uther: Arthur? What is she saying?
Jezza: [cutting across] Morgana's sister Morgeuse is also here.
Uther: SORCERER! KILL HER!
Merlin: Sorcerer, where?
Arthur: Merlin, Morgeuse. We KNOW she is a sorcerer.
Merlin: Oh, yes. Of course. [Cough]
Jezza: something tells me it's not the best of ideas to bring her out…
Merlin: no, I wouldn't. We don't have enough chairs, for one.
Uther: GUARDS!
Morgana: you're not in Camelot now Uther. You can't get people killed here.
Uther: why are you sticking up for the sorcerer, Morgana?
Morgana: oh, I don't know.
Uther: has she put a curse upon you?
Morgana: no! Of course she hasn't! She cares for me.
Uther: sorcerers care for no one!
Morgana: oh, really? You don't know what she's done for me.
Merlin: I do. She tried to kill me, for one. And she keeps helping your attempts to thwart Uther.
[Morgana stares at Merlin]
Arthur: Morgana's staring at you.
Merlin: I'm aware of that, Arthur.
Arthur: If looks could kill….
Merlin: I'd be dead, yes. Shame they can't actually, she might have a better turnover rate… GET DOWN!
[Morgana shoots an eye-bolt death ray at Merlin]
Arthur & Uther:SHE'S A SORCERER?
Jezza: STOP TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER!
[They all glare at him]
Jezza: Oh for... WE'RE GOING TO A BREAK! And to think I turned down Eastenders and Coronation Street for this!