Dori walked into Councilor Anderson office tired and in no mood to deal with shit. She wanted answers. However at his desk, Kaidan sat glaring at her as she walked into the last place she wanted to be. That desk represented a physical barrier of the mental junk that froze what seemed to be such a promising start of a relationship.
None of that mattered now.
"I can't talk now. Alenko out." His voice possessed a direct tone. Was that for her or the person he was speaking with.
"So, The plan get rid of me and you move in to take my place."
Shepard never got the courage to ask Anderson why Kaidan's picture was on his desk. It all was clear. She was never the darling of the Alliance. She had this uncanny ability to stay alive. Kaidan being here made her curiosity grow. Why did she care? She and Garrus chose to take their friendship further and build something loving.
"That didn't concern you." Anger didn't shroud his face as it did on Horizon. Immediately, his eyes fixed on the monitor that was before him.
"What was that about?" She tried to sound casual.
"Stuff."
"Am I still considered a threat?" Kaidan refused to answer. His silence revealed what the Alliance thought of her. "Come on Kaidan, tell me what's really happening. You know something. Do you have information on the Reapers?" She hated that Kaidan was keeping her in the dark on purpose.
"I'd like too, Shepard." He stood up. "You no longer have clearance to received such classified Alliance intel. I hope that will change in the future." Kaidan kept his eyes on the desk monitor to avoid her gaze.
"So, I'm the enemy." She shook her head in disbelief. He wasn't providing her with any
useful information. Maybe Anderson would. "What game are you playing? Why are you here? Does the Alliance want something from me? Where's Anderson by the way?" Anderson absence provided an opportunity for her to leave. Shepard knew if she hurried she might be able to catch Garrus before he left the Normandy to meet his contact on the Citadel. " Never mind. It's best I go. Tell Anderson I stopped by."
"You're not my enemy." He acknowledged her with a look. "If I thought you were a threat, I wouldn't have let you in here."
"You're running the Councilor's affairs." Shepard said. She never experienced Kaidan being so dodgy.
"Something like that."
"Not at all. Politics was never my thing. I came to bring some info to you."
"How could you know I was coming today."
Kaidan looked as if he'd been caught doing something wrong.
"If the Alliance doesn't trust my motives, then why come to me at all?" Shepard shifted back and forth. "This can't be official. Why did they send you?"
"Admiral Hackett thought I might have influence with you." Kaidan stared back down at the floor. "Guess intel was wrong on that one. I volunteered to bring the offer to you."
Kaidan motioned towards the monitor. He brought up a video on the monitor. A voice? The distortion made it difficult to tell. Too grainy to see what happened. There were beeps and knocks, but nothing legible. Then the short clip ended. Shepard turned towards him. "What was that trying to show?"
"The video is coded. I'm working to break the code. Haven't been successful yet." Kaidan shut down the monitor. "We can't get anyone down there to find out what's going on." He began. "But a Spectre can find out."
"Petition the Council and let them assign you a spectre then." She snapped.
"I'm not your errand boy either. I'm here as a favor to the Alliance."
She leaned over the desk. In spite of the haggardness creeping in on his features, Kaidan still looked handsome. She knew that look on his face well. That place where the zone has a choke hold on you and you don't care what you look like. Currently, she found peace in living with Garrus. She'd come to accept her purpose and sacrifice. Dori had to find a way to stop the Reapers and Garrus was always ready for a fight.
"What's the matter, Doc's not making you feel good."
"I don't have the energy to fight with you." Kaidan walked away from the desk. Did he not trust himself around her? She felt like he wanted to avoid making contact. "I'm only here to give you something to think about." He said once he made it to the center of the room.
He was the one acting as if nothing had happened. Like a rejected lover, Shepard followed him to continue the conversation. "Why didn't you come with us? I asked Garrus to join me. He agreed without hesitating." Shepard stepped back from Kaidan hugging herself. Garrus smiled. . . I think he smiled. . . maybe I saw what I wanted to see. Garrus offered his brought herself to finally look Kaidan in his gorgeous doe eyes. Evidently, this was hard on him as well. On Horizon, he told her he loved her. Was it that easy to get over what they shared? That question was for herself as much as it was for Kaidan. Maybe it was her. No one wanted to get too close. People tended to die around Dori leaving her the only one remaining. What am I doing? Her attraction for Kaidan still existed. "Garrus told me it would be like old times."
"Joker mentioned that you and Garrus had become close. It surprised me that she knew who I was."
Was he fishing for information? Did he know about her blowing off steam with Garrus? Why would he come if he did?
Shepard finally spoke. "Joker loves to talk."
"Garrus. Seriously?"
Dori smiled if someone taunted her way back on Earth that she was Turian lover she would have but bullet in him. Not to kill. Only to shut him up. She depended on Garrus to watch her back. Garrus stayed at her side never questioned her motives. Their dealings with Sidonis proved that. He was so angry at her for not moving. Garrus admitted later that his feelings for her were stronger than his need for revenge. HE didn't want to disappoint her. He told her she left a three second oppportunity to take a shot, but if she was that determined to save him Sidonis would live. "There's much more to him." Shepard added.
Kaidan's eyes hardened. Maybe she spoke up too soon.
"Really." Kaidan said. "He always seemed to be the 'let's murder every wrong doer for the good of the galaxy' type to me."
"You never took the time to know him." They would hit the bar as soon as they docked. They talked about plans. He listened as she told him what she could about Akuze. He talked about all the things wrong with C-Sec. And how she was making a fool of herself trying to dance with Kaidan. They had wine. Waking up in his arms gave her a little hope that she might have a normal life. Normal. Dori wasn't sure what was normal anymore.
"Maybe not." Kaidan's words interrupted her thoughts. "I never had the desire to be some alien's whore."
Shepard charged at Kaidan so quickly that he had to block her biotic attack with one of his own. Before she reached him, it became harder to move forward. Then she lost her footing. When she began to rise, she knew she was caught up in lift.
"What are you doing?" Kaidan grabbed her arm hard before his biotic charge slammed her into the ceiling. After a moment he helped Shepard to the ground. "You're okay. I mean. Tell me I didn't hurt you."
Shepard shook herself loose from his grasp. "Transfer what info is declassified to the Normandy. ASAP. I'll think about if this is something I want to get involved with." Shepard stormed towards the door as fast as she could in full armor. She knew if she stayed she would do something she'd regret. "This is over." She said without looking back.
"There was a time when I was a vital part of your team."
Shepard halted mid-step. Her head told her to keep walking. But this was personal. He dared bring up the good old days. She snapped her head in his direction. He had just stripped away her barrier and held her back with lift. Of course, she challenged him. He had no right. "That ended on Horizon.I recall inviting you to be a part of my team. You said you're Alliance first."
"I have responsibilities that I can't walk out on. You no longer have the right to ask me to abandon my job."
"You're a top-notch soldier." She did her best to steady her voice. "But as a boyfriend, you blow varren poo."
Kaidan stood there.
And laughed.
And it infuriated Shepard more.
Kaidan's stance soften. However, he still approached cautiously. "I'm here now. If you want to talk about us." Why is he being so agreeable?
"It no longer matters, Kaidan. I died, I woke up and you rejected me." Shepard couldn't figure out what she wanted from Kaidan.
"Not fair, Shepard." "I make mistakes. I'm not perfect. But that isn't good enough for the savior of all galactic space. The woman who beat death. What is it three, no four times."
Shepard found herself moving closer to him. Searching for a trace of the man who came to her that night before Ilos. Kaidan grabbed her. Squeezing her to him. Battles had changed them both. Maybe they could get past this, if she had not fallen for her best friend.
"I was so relieved that you weren't taken by the Collectors. I fell into your arms thinking that working with Cerberus was worth it because it brought me back to you." She allowed him to hold her. No comfort found in his embrace. His touch didn't feel safe anymore. Dori relaxed instantly every time Garrus held her. "You were so cold at Horizon." She continued not hugging him back, but not pulling away from his embrace either. "I stood there an idiot unable to put a coherent sentence together."
"I tried to apologized for what I said in my email. You never responded."
"I didn't." Shepard no longer saw the point of talking to Kaidan. He had no intention of returning to the Normandy with her. She had to stop the Reapers. She refused to be with a man who would keep her from doing that. She backed out of his arms. "You weren't willing to die on a suicide mission with me. Now, you expected me to act different."
"Stop this. You know I love you." Kaidan reached toward her again.
"Maybe, I want someone to love me enough to put me before the job. I need someone to take care of me for a change. What is the point? Why are will doing this if not to have a chance at a normal life."
"And nothing says, 'I kill to protect you until the day I die like a Turian." The word flew out of his mouth like a curse. It was the first time she ever heard that tone in his voice when referring to an alien. His tone was nasty like when he told her of his history with Vyrnnus. "Can you tell me why him?" Kaidan sighed. I'd like to know."
"Kaidan, I was in pain. One day, I came out of my daze long enough to realize that Garrus was in pain, too. He doesn't judge me the way you do. "
Shepard didn't want to use words that would hurt Kaidan. This was becoming more difficult. Had her conversations with Garrus reached the depth of those she shared with Kaidan. Not yet. She didn't care. They were two different men. Who offered her two different things.
"I'm going to be real. I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear." Kaidan continued.
Shepard shut him up with a kiss. A kiss to end the wondering. She moved so quick that their lips missed. She adjusted her mouth up a little bit and the kiss was perfect. He jumped right into her invitation. His lips surrounded her bottom lip causing her to press her body to his. They both wore armor this contact was all their bodies could hope for in this moment. He pulled back as she leaned into him for more. He smiled and kissed her again. Part of her hoped it would spark something more.
No.
No passion. This was a kiss goodbye. Nothing more. Physical attraction. Yeah. Kaidan was sexy as hell. Lasting relationships were built on more than that. That's what she wanted to build with Garrus. He promised her he would remain at her side no matter what. Kaidan, the woman who cared so much for you no longer exists.
"So that's it."
"Yeah. I'm wasting your time. You made it clear you don't trust me. I'm not coming back
"I need to be taken care of. I feel loss. I have regret. I'm not a superhero. I'm just a woman." It was no longer about them. She didn't want Thane to think any less of her. He was determined that she choose between himself and Garrus. "Even here now your first concern was getting me to do something for the Alliance. Something they don't want me to know about because you're not sure if I'm in with Cerberus. When I walked through the door, you could have taken me just take me in your arms and said I'm glad you made it. You're alive. I love you."
Shepard remembered the line from his email. How dare he act jealous. "And who the hell is this Doctor lady." She continued. "Someone perfect and safe. If the doctor is the kind of woman you'd turn to after I died, then I was never the woman for you."
"She doesn't matter."
"Does she know that?"
"I'm still having a difficult time processing that you died and was reconstructed by terrorists. We haven't been able to find any research proving what Cerberus allegedly did to you."
An interruption from Joker didn't come. "I suspect there's more here, but you and the Alliance had given up on me. The Illusive Man didn't like my methods. He didn't like all my team members, but as long as he allowed me to do the mission my way the arrangement worked. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Liara and Cerberus. You wouldn't be here now if my team hadn't showed up on Horizon that day. And don't get me started on Virmire."
"I wouldn't be so sure of that." Kaidan turned away from her. Had he given up on the reunion? "Why are you pushing me away?"
She felt exhausted. "I can't be with someone who thinks I'm a terrorist. Cerberus's network is more extensive that you know. Instead of thinking I'm a cohort. You should talk to me to find out as much as you can about their operations."
"That's not my call. I don't think you want me investigating what you've been doing with Cerberus all this time."
"Kaidan, I don't work for Cerberus." She defended herself. There was a time they would sit and talk during every stolen moment.
"I'm not interrogating you."
"Being here is just a coincidence."
"I told the Admiral that I would give the preliminary info to Anderson to give to you when he saw you next. I have my own mission I need to complete. I knew you were on the Citadel. However, I didn't know you were coming to see Anderson today." Kaidan smiled weakly. "The romantic in me would call it fate, but this isn't ending on a romantic note."
"Many years have past Kaidan. You moved on. Maybe I did too."
"You love Garrus, now. You think that's going to work out." Kaidan couldn't keep the pain out of his voice.
She stared just past him. Kaidan wasn't going to understand her choosing Garrus over him. Sucking cool air into her lungs, she whispered. "Yes."
There it was said. What she needed to say. She couldn't look at him any more. Walk away Shepard. Why wallow in further pain?
The balcony provided an escape. Kaidan stood between her and the door. Hopefully, he would get the hint and leave. Or Anderson might show up. She felt her legs begin to puddle beneath her.
"I'll forward what I can. Admiral Hackett will contact you with the particulars." She felt Kaidan coming closer. But she was still shocked when he put his arm knowingly around her waist. He ran his free hand through her hair massaging her temple like she use to do to him to help ease his migraines.
His lips brushed softly against her earlobe as he spoke, "I'm not giving up on us."
Shepard closed her eyes knowing what she was about to do was the right thing.