Title: Snacks and the Missing Muffins
Author: Stargalaxy
Rated: K+
Category: General (Mystery, Humour)
Spoilers: None
Disclaimer: Not mine except for Snacks and OC's.
Summary: Someone is stealing blueberry muffins from the mess hall kitchen and the little winged ferret, Snacks, is accused of being the thief. Sheppard and McKay go on a stakeout to proof the little Talmera's innocence and nap the thief in the process. Of course things are never easy for our boys.
AN: This story was written for all the readers who wanted a short fic with Snacks in it. Be warned, there's silliness in this tale, including a bit of whump or two. I think my more serious muses are taking a break and I'm currently being visited by playful plot-bunnies with weird ideas. (Heh) Also, I often wondered how Sheppard would react if he had a pet and it was accused of doing something wrong. This fic is the result of that.
For those who don't know Snacks, he's a little alien critter (known as a "Talmera") that Sheppard met and befriended on a wraith worshipper's world in my story Uncommon Alliance. You don't need to read that story in order to understand this one. Just know that Snacks looks like a ferret with wings. It likes to steal small shiny stuff and of course food. Its favourite food is power bars.
Title: Snacks and the Missing Muffins
by Stargalaxy
Chapter 1: Stakeout
"You sure this is a good idea?" McKay asked in a low whisper as he crouched down behind some kitchen work benches as his fingers creped slowly upwards, wanting to snag a chocolate cupcake that was placed on the cooling trays just above him. The stake out was making him hungry. Was that his stomach he just heard growling?
Sheppard however swatted the scientist's hand away from the delicious cupcakes, while giving his companion a disapproving glare at the same time.
"Ow! What was that for?" McKay asked, looking offended as he whipped back the limp and curled it defensively next to his chest.
"We're here on a stakeout to catch a muffin thief not for you to be a cupcake thief, Rodney," Sheppard hissed back softly. "By the way, you may want to keep your stomach growls down, McKay. After all, we don't want to scare off the actual thief when he arrives, do we?"
"Oh.. Ha ha, very funny… But I can't help it if I get the attack of the munchies… All this cloak and dagger stuff does that to me!" Rodney counted defensively. "Besides, you know that I need to retain my blood sugar level in times of stress, and crouching here almost half the night smelling blueberry muffins and cupcakes is particularly stressful for me, a sure way of increasing my high blood pressure. I'm practically starving here, Sheppard!"
Sheppard glanced down at his watch, pursed his lips briefly and shot the scientist another look. "At three am in the morning, Rodney? Shouldn't your stomach be asleep by now?"
"Not if its owner is wide awake doing a stakeout with some crazy colonel as a favour, might I remind you…" he emphasized the point, "when I should be asleep in bed dreaming that I'm swimming in a sea of chocolate cupcakes playing with the latest range of tablet PCs…" A dreamy look flitted across his features.
Sheppard shot him an odd look and whispered, "Wait, you actually dream that you're sleeping in a sea of chocolate cupcakes with tablet PCs?" The pilot shook his head in puzzlement, looking as if he would never understand the scientist in a million years. "If I haven't said this before, I'll say it now… you're geeky weird, McKay. And in case you've forgotten Rodney, you actually volunteered to accompany me on this stakeout…"
"Well, Teyla and Ronon took their turns to accompany you on the first two nights, so I'm just doing my part. Besides, you should be grateful that I'm keeping you out of trouble…"
"Keeping me out of trouble, McKay?" The tone sounded amused.
"Hey, do I hear ungratefulness here? After all, am I in my quarters, asleep in my bed all warm and snug? Nooo. What am I doing instead? Hanging around playing detective with an Air Force Colonel, in addition to suffering hunger pants because I can see but not touch all the newly baked muffins and cupcakes cooling on baking trays around us. If this is your idea of torture, Sheppard, I can tell you for a fact that it's working brilliantly. If I fai… pass out of hypoglycaemia it's going to be all your fault!"
"Okay… I get it McKay, will you just keep it down?"
McKay clamped his mouth shut but he knew that he'd gotten his point across concerning tantalizing cupcakes and his ever growling stomach. He waited for the colonel to come to a decision as the other man sighed and shot him a dirty look. Sheppard shook his head as if in exasperation, popped his head up to sneak a peek at the chocolate cupcakes sitting just above the table counter where they were hiding under, next to some food crates and stated softly, "Okay, you can take one to munch on."
Smirking now, McKay licked his lips as he lifted his left hand and stretched out his fingers to grab a cupcake.
"Actually, McKay, make that two."
Rodney turned to look at Sheppard in surprise, mouthing a silent 'two'?
"You're not the only one who's getting hungry smelling them, Rodney…" Sheppard admitted with a wry grin. "Just remember to pay for them and leave a note before we depart tonight. The last thing we need is Chef Dooberry screaming about cupcake thieves raiding her kitchen and accusing Snacks of it…"
McKay grinned back with the eagerness of a kid as he napped two chocolate cupcakes and tossed one to Sheppard, who caught it deftly with his hand.
Both men were munching their cupcakes in silent contentment when they heard a noise coming from the mess hall softly approaching the kitchen. McKay froze immediately, a cupcake half eaten in his hand. Sheppard, he saw, had placed his finger on his lips gesturing the scientist to keep silent. Quickly gulping down the remaining pieces of cupcake, he echoed Sheppard's motion by placing the rest of the cupcake silently on the floor. Then, as quietly as possible, he fingered the digital camcorder that he hung around his neck. He saw Sheppard take a careful peek at the side. The pilot shoulder blades stiffened suddenly and he whispered a name softly in disbelief and disappointment.
"Snacks..."
---
Several days earlier…
"Snacks is not a thief!" John Sheppard stated stubbornly as angry hazel-green eyes glared obstinately at Atlantis' head chef, Doris Dooberry.
The stout woman, who was half a head shorter than the colonel and twice as board did not buy what Sheppard was telling her. They were having the confrontation in the kitchen with Dooberry still in her head chef's attire. She was half way preparing some sweet pastries when the colonel arrived asking to speak to her about the complaint she had written to Dr Weir concerning Snacks, the little alien winged ferret that the colonel had adopted as a pet. Removing her chef's hat, she ran a flour crusted hand across her curly brown hair, leaving white powdery trails in her wake. When her hand reached the tight hair bun tied at the back of her head, she sighed and quickly placed her chef's white hat back on again, ignoring the fact that her hair was now covered with fingerprints of white flour.
She took a quick glance around and saw her five assistants in the background, preparing meals before the busy lunch period that was still a few hours away. Knowing what busy bodies they were and she knew that they would be eavesdropping on the conversation she was having with the Lt. Colonel. There! Just as the thought formed, she spied the red head, Roxesa looking her way. That girl had the sharpest ears in the two galaxies and was a terrible gossip to boot. Already she knew that their conversation would be making the rounds across the mess hall within an hour.
To make matters worst, standing a few paces away, not exactly in the kitchen area, but still within hearing distance was Dr Rodney McKay. The scientist was currently munching on an apple tart next to the food counter, waiting for the colonel and listening in on the conversation at the same time. Further beyond, seated in the almost deserted mess hall (as it was still too early for lunch) was the rest of Sheppard's team, Teyla and Ronon. At least, they were courteous enough to take a seat, having ordered a cup of tea and coffee and were keeping their distance, and more importantly, out of the conversation. The same couldn't be said about Dr McKay, who was clearly trying to listen in and being brazenly obvious about it.
For the first time since she became a head chef in Atlantis, Dooberry wished that she had a private office of her own to have conversations such as these. But she felt certain that she was correct concerning the food thief and she wasn't about to back down now, no matter how dashing Sheppard might appear even when he was angry.
"Well, I say that Snacks is the thief!" she announced obstinately back at the Lt. Colonel. Dooberry was not one to be intimidated by rank. She could be brash and stubborn when she wanted to. As long as she didn't go over the boundaries of military protocol, she knew that she had rights to defend her kitchen from a cheeky food thief. It didn't matter that her prime suspect was the pet of the Head of Atlantis' military contingent. This concerned her kitchen and her muffins and for the last two weeks, muffins had been going missing! Muffins that she and her staff were accountable for! As she was Atlantis' head chef, it was her business to see to it that it didn't happen again. Once she got her mind set on something, it usually took a tidal wave of immense proportions to shake her from her standpoint. It was one of the reasons why Dooberry got the reputation as being 'pig-headed'. And currently Dooberry believed whole heartedly that Snacks was the muffin thief, which meant that it should be punished and confined - locked away in a cage, never to see the light of day.
At her outburst, she saw Sheppard take a deep breath, as if trying to rein in his own temper. His lips pursed into a thin, hard line before the colonel turned his gaze away from her to look at Snacks instead. The little Talmera was presently bounding around the pilot's feet, happily chasing its cat-like tail. For a winged alien ferret, the little furry critter sometimes behaved very much like a half-crazy puppy! Dooberry made a face. Cute, furry animals were not her thing. In fact, she never had much use for playful canines, puppies or any small furry critters of any kind. In her book, all critters were only good if they could be baked or cooked into some kind of culinary delight. With that thought, she briefly wondered what Snacks would taste like. She instantly dismissed the callous thought when she realised that Snacks was too small and scrawny and would probably taste like tough leather from all the exercise it constantly did - bouncing along and flying about everywhere. It was certainly a little ball of energy, if nothing else. A totally annoying ball of energy that liked to steal blueberry muffins from her kitchen, no less!
Snacks gazed at her at that moment. As Dooberry stared at it, it had the audacity to lick its lips right in front of her, before giving out a little happy yelp as it looked up at the colonel while waging its cat-like tail rapidly from side to side. It blinked dark copper brown eyes up at Sheppard. The pilot looked at it affectionately and gave it a soft whistle. To Dooberry's surprise, Snacks responded immediately. With a hop, skip and a cheerful chirp, the little Talmera spread out a set of elegant eagle-like wings. There was a flapping sound then it was up in the air, swooping about, doing mini flying somersaults, showing off to Sheppard all its flying stunts. Everyone turned to look at its antics, including all of Dooberry's kitchen staff.
Dooberry crossed her arms together and gave the colonel her most disapproval glare. Sure, she was only a cook and he might be the highest ranking officer in Atlantis, but while he was in her kitchen, she ruled. Although, it wasn't technically true, it was the way that Dooberry liked to see it. Sheppard seemed to sense it and with another soft whistle, Snacks suddenly turned and landed on the colonel's left shoulder obediently like a pet eagle it certainly wasn't. Eagles hunted for its own food from the wilderness, Snacks stole its food from Dooberry's kitchen.
"Snacks can get a little excited sometimes," he informed her a little sheepishly.
Dooberry continued to watch the winged ferret as it curled its long furry little body around the pilot's shoulders. When it settled, Snacks turned its gaze to blink at Dooberry with beady copper-brown eyes. Dooberry found herself staring into its dark pools again when suddenly it blinked and turned its head away from her to lick and nibble the edge of Sheppard's pointed ear.
"Hey!" Sheppard objected in a voice intermixed between affection and annoyance as he pushed the little Talmera's pink nose away. "Stop that, you little rascal!"
The little critter protested and eyed its human companion with a mischievous twinkle in its copper-brown eyes. Dooberry held her breath then, wondering what it would do next. Without warning, it suddenly scrambled and ducked its entire head into one of the colonel's breast pockets. A second later it wiggled out a half-eaten power bar clutched tightly in its mouth and its cat-like tail began to wag furiously again.
"Oh… so you found it, didn't you? I swear, you have a nose of a hound dog… no wonder McKay has to hide his power bars from you."
In spite of herself, Sheppard's comment brought forth a soft chuckle from Dooberry. His statement made her wonder whether the colonel had owned a dog back home on earth. He certainly seemed the type to have a big furry animal to go running with. She had heard from her staff how the colonel liked to run and he seemed quite taken in by the winged critter. He made a half-hearted attempt to scold Snacks but a minute later he gave in to the impulse of ruffling the Talmera's soft furry body instead. For a brief moment, he seemed to forget that she was standing there and the Head of Atlantis' military contingent appeared boyish and care-free as he played with the alien critter. Dooberry found herself mildly fascinated at the sight of Sheppard that she had never seen before. The scene reminded her of her own son when he was ten, displaying all the kid's enthusiasm while playing with a neighbour's new puppy. The colonel obviously had a lot of affection for the little winged creature and Dooberry knew that she was going to have a fight in her hands to convince him that Snacks was guilty of its crime.
When Sheppard turned back to face her, Dooberry quickly cast her eyes down to the floor, not wanting him to know that she had been observing him and Snacks together. He cleared his throat and shot her a somewhat embarrassed smile.
"Well… I admit it, Snacks is a thief… but he's not the sort of thief that you're implying him to be, Dooberry. Snacks won't steal your blueberry muffins. He likes to take shiny trinkets, power bars, but I can't see him stealing a whole load of muffins. How many did you say went missing?"
"Eighteen," Chef Dooberry replied firmly, now crossing both forearms together as she continued to eye the little winged ferret suspiciously.
"Well, one muffin would be more than enough for this little fella. I can accept it if he stole only one, but eighteen? They won't be able to fit into Snacks' tummy, maybe McKay's…" Both heard the sound of protest from the scientist nearby but Sheppard ignored Rodney as he continued, "but I even doubt that. No, it wasn't Snacks."
The words were adamant and Dooberry knew that the Lt. Colonel was not about to be moved from his standpoint. She narrowed her gaze. "How do you know that? It could be stealing muffins to eat later. Everyone knows that critter has numerous hidey-holes all over Atlantis. Maybe it's stealing them for its litter!"
"Litter?" Sheppard raised his eyebrows in frank surprise. Then he narrowed his gaze and shot Snacks an unreadable look. "Snacks you little rascal, are you getting up to mischief behind my back?"
Further beyond, the head chef heard McKay chuckling to himself before he started to cough, choking on an apple tart he was eating. He went a little red faced, reached out and grabbed a plastic cup of water to wash down the remains of the apple tart that went down the wrong way. Dooberry had the self satisfaction to break into a smile. Served the scientist right for laughing at her.
She turned back to face Sheppard. "Well, alien critters have litters don't they? What's so strange about that? It could have been pregnant or something when it arrived and you just didn't know about it…"
Sheppard shook his head, before lifting a hand to scratch the little Talmera behind the ears. At the caress, the little creature stretched out its neck and gave out a soft, alien cooing sound. Dooberry eyed it suspiciously as Snacks wagged its tail once again before it bent down to munch on the power bar it clutched firmly with its front paws. It ate the power bar like how a squirrel would eat a nut. Dooberry looked at it with distaste. She wondered how the colonel could stand having the furry little critter sitting curled up around his shoulders without worrying about fleas. But from where she stood, Snacks actually didn't seem to smell bad, which made the cook wonder whether the colonel gave it a bath every once in a while.
"Snacks are you pregnant?" the pilot turned to ask the winged ferret in mock conversation. Snacks looked up at the pilot and gave him a squeak and shrill chirp, causing little crumps of half chewed power bar pieces to tumble from its mouth onto the colonel's dark jacket. Its catlike tail thumped happily in response.
"Hmm, I thought not." Sheppard replied as he turned to face Dooberry again, this time displaying a smug look on his face.
Dooberry frowned. Was the colonel making fun of her?
"I don't believe for a second that you understood what it said!" she uttered in indignation.
"Oh? Why not?" he asked as one eyebrow lifted clearly amused. Then he chuckled, seemingly letting her off the hook as his hazel green eyes twinkled and he shook his head and grinned. "For the record, Dooberry, Snacks is male… And as far as I know, he brought no female companion with him."
"Oh…" Dooberry clamped her mouth shut and could feel herself going a little red from embarrassment. She hadn't known what gender the little alien creature was; she had made an assumption and spoken without thinking. That trait often got her into trouble.
"Well, a thief is still a thief!" she stated stubbornly.
"I say it was the leprechauns!" McKay piped out suddenly from his corner. There were sniggers from Dooberry's assistants at the scientist's outburst.
Dooberry bristled as she rolled up her sleeves in anger, wishing that she had a rolling pin that she could throw at the scientist. "Stay out of this Dr McKay! Besides, are you making fun of the Irish?! I'll have you know that I'm not Irish!"
"Whoa! Calm down, Dooberry! Nobody's making fun or insulting anybody, be that race, culture or creed!" Sheppard stated hurriedly, before he shot McKay an annoyed look as if to tell him to stay out of their conversation. "Isn't that correct, Rod-ney?"
"Hey… I only mentioned leprechauns, no insult intended!" Rodney retorted in a voice that sounded every much like a kid's whine. "But maybe I should have said gremlins?"
Sheppard shook his head in exasperation but his eyes shone with light-hearted amusement. The comradely and banter between the colonel and the scientist was obvious and it surprised Dooberry a little. She had heard rumours of how hard it was for anyone to get along with Dr McKay. Sometimes, she and her staff would meet some new member of the scientific community arriving at the mess hall looking pale and terribly upset. When questioned in casual conversation about it, they would mention that they just had their first encounter with Dr Rodney McKay and that all hadn't gone well. His sarcastic bite was legendary to all those in Atlantis and everyone knew that McKay suffered no fools. It also told her that Sheppard was no fool. Neither were Teyla and Ronon, the two aliens who were also members of his team. In fact, she had seen all of them sitting together in the mess hall, teasing Rodney sometimes.
"Okay, let's get this straight. These missing muffins, did they disappear on a single night?" Sheppard asked, his hazel-green eyes focused on her once again.
The question puzzled Dooberry. "Didn't you read the report I wrote to Dr Weir, Colonel?"
To Dooberry's surprise, Sheppard looked a little embarrassed. "Well… I didn't actually read it... I just heard that Snacks was being accused of food thievery and that you wanted him confined in chains or locked in a cage which is not acceptable in my book."
"Why not? A pesky food thief should be confined in a cage so it can't cause further trouble. Everyone knows what a rascally food thief it is…" Her fiery temper was flaring again, Sheppard's pet or not, the little Talmera deserved not see the light of day. "And if your little winged friend doesn't stay out of my kitchen, it might end up as a speciality winged pie one of these days! As my mother used to say, an animal is only useful if it can be baked, steamed or fried!"
To her surprise, Snacks looked up and wagged its tail at her while giving her a little happy chirp. Dooberry decided that the little Talmera had no brains at all in its wee little head. It was just a food thief and she meant every word that she said.
Sheppard however rounded upon her in anger as he came to the defence of the little Talmera. "Hey! Firstly, we're here to determine whether Snacks is really the culprit of the missing muffins! Secondly, I don't appreciate slander or death threats against a little critter especially if it hasn't done anything wrong!Thirdly, you didn't answer my question and I'm still waiting for it!"
Dooberry took a startled step backwards. She could see that the colonel was close to losing his patience now. Gone was the boyish, playful attitude that she normally witnessed in his presence. Instead an angry scowl marred Sheppard's forehead and his hazel-green eyes glistered in fury. It was the first time she was experiencing the blunt of his anger - the fierce protective side that she had only heard about in tales told by his men. Usually she and her staff only saw the calm, friendly, laid back military officer. This was a new side to Sheppard that she had not seen before and it frightened her a little.
Feeling properly chastised and more than a little nervous now, she muttered a reply in a softer more apologetic tone. "Sorry, Colonel Sheppard. The blueberry muffins started disappearing about three weeks ago. Not every night but on some nights. Three muffins would disappear on one night, then another three, and another three… well, you get the picture," she stated hurriedly.
Her words seemed to penetrate Sheppard's anger, and she saw a puzzled frown form in between his brows.
"And when was the last time the muffins were stolen?"
"Two nights ago."
"So, by your assumption, the muffin thief should be returning for another midnight snack soon…"
"Yes, I suppose so," Dooberry replied, wondering where they were heading with this.
"Right," Sheppard stepped back, looking pleased by this piece of information as he broke into a smile. Seeing it, Dooberry released a pent up breath that she hadn't realised she had been holding in. She preferred Sheppard's smile anytime than being the target of his fury.
"Okay, give me a few days until the muffin thief strikes again, and I'll get your thief for you," he promised her. "Until then hold off on writing out further written complaints to Weir about Snacks. I'm willing to bet that it didn't steal your muffins. Snacks might be a thief, but he's not the kind to steal so many muffins on one night. And if it turns out to be Snacks, I'll compensate you for all the stolen muffins. Do we have a deal?"
Dooberry wasn't too happy about it but she knew that what Sheppard was asking was reasonable. "All right, but this will be the last time I put up with it," she warned. "I still say that your winged pet is the culprit, darn it! If not, I'll eat my own hat!" She knew it was a silly thing to say. So cliché, but damn it, that little Talmera made her so mad that she was willing to bet anything on it. "But for now, I'm willing to give you a chance to proof otherwise," the words came out grudgingly.
However, despite her promise, a plan was already forming in her mind that she had never considered before. She knew someone who worked in the science labs who could help her set up a trap for the muffin thief. This time, she hoped to catch and stop the little critter in the act. Once caught, there would be no chance of Sheppard defending Snacks especially if she had evidence to proof it. The little Talmera's thieving days was going to be over soon. It was not going to get away stealing from her kitchen again!
---
To be continued
AN: For some reason, I found this fic difficult to write. Maybe because my muses or rather, plot bunnies, had been overworked and wanted a break from sga fanfic writing for a while. I actually, wrote the first chapter a while back and it sat in my hard-drive collecting cobwebs as I had trouble working out an ending for it. I only managed to think up of conclusion yesterday, which is good news for you guys :) I'm actually a little nervous about this, because light hearted, humour fics are not really my normal writing foray. I considered abandoning this fic altogether, but really didn't want to disappoint those readers who had requested a "Snacks" short fic from me. Hopefully, it meets up with your expectation.
This fic should be completed in another chapter or two.