Ol' Man Dungeon Master
To the Tune of "Ol' Man River" from Show Boat.
There's an old man called the Dungeon Master —
Well, not a man — more a sort of gnome.
What does he care if we're trapped by Venger?
What does he care if we don't get home?
Dungeon Master — that Dungeon Master —
He tells us somethin' that don't mean nothin';
But Dungeon Master, he just keeps riddlin' along!
He sets us puzzles, and don't explain 'em —
Sees orcs attackin', but won't restrain 'em —
That Dungeon Master, he just keeps riddlin' along!
You and me, we sweat and strain,
Have our weapons stolen; get 'em back again.
Save some town — spare some dude —
You meet some royal punk, and you ends up screwed.
I gets sermoned, instead of pastored —
I'm tired of livin' while Dungeon Mastered:
'Cause Dungeon Master, he just keeps riddlin' along!
Acrobat, Thief, Cavalier, and Ranger,
Barbarous kid, kid who'll cast a spell,
All travel 'round with that stupid Uni —
That's why the fans think we're all in Hell.
Venger comes — and Venger goes —
In between we have to hunt for food (which blows);
Lizard stew — swamp fungus bread —
Never get to have a decent steak instead.
Let me go 'way from the Dungeon Master!
Let me go 'way from this stupid place!
Show me that stream that is raining upwards —
Next time I'll just keep the Bogbeast's face.
Dungeon Master — that Dungeon Master —
He tells us somethin' that don't mean nothin';
But Dungeon Master, he just keeps riddlin' along!
(Ol' Dungeon Master, he just keeps a-riddle-in' on!)
He tells us riddles, and don't explain 'em —
Sees orcs attackin', but won't restrain 'em —
That Dungeon Master, he just keeps riddlin' along!
(His stupid lessons, they never get done!)
You and me, we sweat and strain,
Have our weapons stolen; get 'em back again.
Save some jerk — stop some doom —
You finds a portal home, and it all goes "boooooom!"
Here's a bottle — think I'll get plastered —
And then I'll murder that little bastard —
So Dungeon Master will just stop riddlin' along!