Title:
Turning Point.
Author:
zigiweeble (Sarah Ward)
Email
address: zigiweeble@yahoo.co.uk
Disclaimer:
None of these characters are mine. Joss is our King and sadly I think he knows
it.
Distribution: Haven't really thought about it. Anywhere really, that's assuming anybody wants it. Just ask, OK?
Pairing:
Spike and Angel
Rating: PG-13
possibly R for language. No nookie yet but watch this space.
Spoilers: Set
5 years after 'Are You Now or Have You Even Been' (Angel-S.2 Ep.2) Definitely
helps if you have seen that episode.
POV: Angel
Feedback: Oh…
yes please… just don't be too harsh. I'm new at this and easily damaged. ;-)
Summary: It's
1957 and Spike and Angel bump into each other. In typical Angel style he is
sill brooding about the events at the Hyperion.
Dedication:
Kita, Adora and Tainted_wine, I told you I'd get it done sooner or later and
anybody else how I've complained and moaned to over the last few months. Oh
yeah and Ta to Nadz, Socki, Doh-doh and Sue-la my mates from the so-called
"Real World". Cheers!!!
I hadn't seen him in years, my right hand
man, my number one grandchilde, but there he was right in front of me. Clothes
a little scruffier, hair a lot shorter, grin radiating even more arrogance than
remembered, if that's conceivably possible, and that glint in his eyes that
says so much about is personality. One thing that can be said for my dear
William is that he has a talent for bad timing. Progress has been wondrous over
the years. I've seen the development from horses to bikes to trains to cars and
then even planes. The world has changed in so many miraculous ways but Spike's
skill for turning up where he is least wanted, at the worst possible time had
never altered.
He
knew it too. With just a look he could tell I was at a turning point. It was
almost as if from just a glance he could read my heart. The bond between
vampire families that has been romanticised in so many cheep vampire novels
isn't mere myth. Its true, it exists and as much as I would like to deny my
feelings for Spike and Drusilla I can't. Just as I can't deny that they know me
better than anybody ever has or could. He was able to tell that when I most
wanted him was when I least needed him. I still don't know if it's the demon in
me or the man that is so vulnerable to his wicked charms, but either way the
result was the same.
It had been five years since the events at
the Hyperion Hotel had sent me back into exile. My fragile trust in the human
race had been shattered and the bigger part of me knew that now was the time I
would be most receptive to Spike's powers. Don't get me wrong in the days
before my soul was returned Angelus had always been alpha-male. Spike was my
junior and he knew his place; he had been beaten and dominated in every way
conceivable but the malice in him always made his ideas so much fun. I was
never vulnerable because of his strength just his charm. As he stood there
close enough to touch the soul in me was screaming out that I should run as far
away as possible but the hate and resentment in me was screaming just as loudly
and the only winner was apathy. I no longer cared for salvation or deliverance.
I didn't care for anything so the suggestion of a drink seemed fine… what did I
have to lose? We had spent years sitting on bar stools drinking ourselves into
oblivion and the familiarity of it all felt good. I didn't need humanity I had
family. Thoughts of the murders I had committed and the deeds we had done
drifted from my recollection and in that moment we were just old friends. He
was what I needed. I had been alone for so long and I couldn't face the
prospect of another night of solitude.
His
look had changed over the year but his scent hadn't. His hair was short and
slicked back, making it an even darker shade of brown. He wore loose black trousers,
a close-fitting white vest and a charcoal grey jacket. Just looking at him made
me remember what it was like to feel his cool skin next to mine. A million
nights of passion made me forget about the world and my role in it. He ordered
us another drink as if nothing had changed between us over the years. He was
playing with me but I didn't care. The casual conversation and friendly banter
served as a mask, they hid his true intentions. Perhaps he though that the
pretence would put me at ease; make me remember the happier times; help him in
his plan. He was right. As much as I wished in that moment that it was genuine
heart felt interest I had never been an optimist and I knew he had ulterior
motives. I just wasn't entirely sure what they were. While I know so much about
the inner workings of Spike's mind some bits remain elusive. He was never
totally open. Thankfully he has never been known for his patience and I knew I
would find out the nature of that game soon enough. Just as that thought passed
through my brain he lit up another cigarette and began to talk. "So, long time
no see, Oh souled one, can I call you that? I'm not sure on the etiquette." His
mocking tone of voice grated on me. My demon half just couldn't tolerate my
grandchilde's insolence. Angelus would have taken him and smash his head into
the bar, beating him until he begged for the stake. I had possessed that power
over him before and still could. I knew he could sense my anger and that
provoked him even further. I began to understand the nature of his game. He was
calculating. Testing how much the demon could take until even the presence of a
soul couldn't stop it. "We've all missed you so much. Me more than most the,
gap you left in our little family had to be filled and boy it can be tiring
having to, how shall I put it?" The glint in his broadcasted his thoughts. I
knew what was coming next. "Satisfy vamps like Dru and Darla especially when
you consider that you were never really able to. I mean you tried, I guess you
just weren't quite man enough for them. I had my work cut out for me." That was
it. I wasn't prepared to take it from him. I was not going to have some boy
that I had fucked until he begged for mercy a thousand time over trying to
strip my manhood from me. Enough had been taken from me over the years and I
wasn't losing that too. I knew he was planning this. He had every intention of
making me angry. I didn't know why but I knew he was planning something. I
still don't know if it was the man or the demon in me that rose to the bait. As
much as I would like to believe that I was at the mercy of darker forces I
can't in all honesty say that's true. If Angelus had been put down in such a
way by his grandchilde he would have dealt with him. Angelus would have left
him shackled to a ceiling somewhere, hanging there until he had learned is
lesson pausing to whip him with a thick metal chain if the inclination took
him. Angelus would never feel the need to prove himself as Liam might have. I
was knowingly falling into his trap. Before I could even consider my action I
was off the stool and my hand at his throat.
Forcing
him over the bar. Had he not been a vampire the force of my blow would have
snapped his neck. My rage was bubbling over, out of control and Spike response
was a low guttural laugh. "I knew you were in there. So Angelus, you want to
play?" His tone was almost seductive, deliberately so. As quickly as my anger
had surfaced it dispersed. I didn't want to let Angelus play. I didn't want to
let violence rule me again and as terrible as it is to admit there is also the
fact that Spike, the cold-blooded killer, was the only company I had in the
world. I didn't want to lose what I had craved for so long. Loneliness is a
terrible thing to have to suffer. So I simply let go and sat back down to
continue my drink. Our conversation resumed, my outburst forgotten. Before long
our discussion drifted onto more recent events. I found myself telling him
about Judy and the way in which she had betrayed me at the Hyperion Hotel.
About how gullible I had been to believe that I could live in the human world.
I don't know why I told him. I didn't expect sympathy or understanding. Just a
sounding board I guess, somebody to validate my feeling, somebody just to
listen. Spike began to offer me his own pearls of wisdom, just as I knew he
would. "Oh my dearest Grandpop's you just don't get it do you? Soul or not
survival counts for everything in this world. What's true for vampires is true
for humans. Placing them on a pedestal has succeeded in getting you where? The
gutter? That girl sacrificed you for the sake for her own existence just as we
sacrifice them for ours. It's not immoral it's just the nature of the beast.
You don't have to take pleasure in the chase, although it seems a waste not to,
you just have to refuse to sacrifice your nature due to flawed morality and
pointless sentiment. What purpose does human life have? With the exception of a
meagre few they just drift passively through life without appreciation or
understanding. They live for nothing." Whether it was just the alcohol in me I
can't be sure but his words made sense. I had interacted in society very little
over the preceding 50 years but I had watched. I had seen so-called humanity
rip itself to shreds, from wars over nations to wars over the colour of a
garden fence. Humans possessed no more humanity than vampires did. As Spike
spoke I wondered how I had been so blind. Torturing myself every day wallowing
in grief over what I had done. Perhaps this was what I had wanted all along,
Permission. Vocalisation of what I had been half thinking. That vampires kill,
soul or not.
We
sat at the bar until we ran out of money to drink at which point we left. We
continued our conversation as we walked through the streets. I don't know when
our stroll turned into a hunt. But all of a sudden I wanted blood. Spike's
encouragement had given me the incentive I needed. My fragile hold on humanity
dissipated. I remembered how much delight Angelus took in the hunt; I wanted
that happiness back again. Fifty years is a long time to go without a second of
pleasure and I thought that to recapture I joy I had attained as Angelus would
be enough. I had forgotten how to have fun as a human, if I had ever known. It
was like old times. My body was pulsing with a sensation that can only be
described as the closest vampire equivalent to an adrenaline rush. I was
prowling the night like I had done so many times before. Spike understood what
was happening. No words were spoken. Had they been I might have left. We just
walked and looked. Looked for that perfect victim, that sweet young virgin,
that cute young boy. It didn't take long either. I had only admitted to myself
the fact I was looking for a victim for a matter of minutes before we found
her. Without saying a thing to each other we knew she was the one. Young,
beautiful and more importantly, innocent. We could smell her virginity, her
sweetness, and her fear as she walked through the night streets alone. It was a
scenario we had witnessed and taken advantage of many times. She had no doubt
been to visit a friend or finished late at work and had to walk home alone. If
LA ever got a reasonable number of cab companies I know a lot of vampires that
would go hungry.
I
went up to her first. Spike had never been known for subtlety and the last
thing we needed was a girl running from us in a fit of screams and tears. It
would attract far too much attention. I had always found seduction could be far
more deadly than aggression. A lesson I had tried to teach Spike but as yet he
had never learned. I am now very disturbed by the ease with which I reverted
back to type. I still possessed the charm; I still had the skills, the talents
required to lure an innocent, scared teenager into a situation of obvious
danger. I was exactly what she should be scared of. I can't even remember the
line I used; I was on autopilot. A typical line was "Would you mind helping me.
I've locked myself out of my apartment and I have a feeling that you are just
the right size to get in through the window and let me in?" That backed up with
a compliment about her clothes or her hair or the colour of her eyes was
usually enough. As she followed me into the dead end I could sense her
apprehension and fear but the more dominant scent was her lust. She wanted me.
My God she wanted me. As much as I could tell she knew better and she knew she
shouldn't be there she still followed. All the innocence in the world made no
difference at times. Spike knew this too. He stepped out from behind a large
rubbish skip that was just in front of us. His lack of subtlety and restraint
meant that he was already fully vamped out. "See what I mean Angelus, how could
anything this stupid deserve to live? She is betraying her most logical impulse
because she thinks you are cute." As I felt her desire turn into fear my body
was consumed with a passion of it's own. Spike was the first to act. He grabbed
her by her throat and pulled her close. She was paralysed with fear, not
uttering a word not yelling out in fear not screaming. He didn't bite her
immediately. He smelled her hair, inhaling her essence. Heightening her fear.
As sick as it sounds fear is an aphrodisiac for my kind. The smell can be
overpowering. The desire to drink blood can be as much about eroticism as it
can about thirst. After teasing her for as long as possible, he finally bit
down on her neck. He drank from her, as she still remained silent. He pulled
away and held her for me so that I could take my share. I bit down, clamping
over the mark that Spike's teeth had left. I had drank human blood within the
last 50 years. Hospital orderlies proved very easy to bribe, it was not
difficult to obtain the odd pint of O neg, but the taste of blood fresh from
the vein can not be beaten. The feeling as it pulsed into my mouth was like
nothing else. I drank until she was empty and dead and then dropped her to the
floor. Lifeless and cold.
Then
it occurred to me, as powerful as that feeling was it could not be described as
happiness. It was too rooted in darkness and evil to be truly euphoric. I
looked at her as she lay there, motionless. Only minutes ago she had been
blushing sweetly, the smell of teenage innocence exuding from every pour. Now
all that was left was I shell that within hours would start to decay. I had done
that to her. I had taken everything from her. I pictured the family she could
have had, the friends she could have made, all the potential that I had
destroyed. The twisted pleasure I had got was fleeting. It lasted as long as I
was at her neck and that was it. The price was too high. I felt nothing but
hate and disgust for myself and my weakness. I couldn't quite comprehend what I
had done. I felt as if I wasn't there. This could not be happening. I was
dragged back into reality by Spike when he began to speak "Well that could have
been better. Sorry. I thought she would have been a bit more of a screamer. I
like it when they scream and fight and yell. It gives me a sense of
accomplishment. It gives their lives meaning. It's only when they're dying that
most of them realise they have ever lived." I couldn't believe what he had
said. That's not true. I couldn't believe that I could so easily forget the
wickedness and perversion of it all. My only response was to yell at him.
Feeble I know but it was all I could think of to do. Perhaps if I blamed him
then it would lessen my guilt. I was clutching at straws. "What the fuck? Get
the hell away from me. I am not like you anymore. I will not live like this you
sick fuck." I whole host of insults that could never express my disgust. They
did nothing but amuse Spike. That was not the way to hurt him. I turned round
and began to walk away. Not knowing where I was going but knowing I couldn't
stay. He ran after me. "What do you mean you're not like me? You are a vampire.
We are about as similar as you can get. You can't deny it and part of you knows
it. You can't leave me." That last statement slipped out before he had chance
to halt it. I didn't really understand how strongly he felt at first. Then the
dam burst. "You can't fucking leave me. I won't let you... not again. There
isn't anywhere else for you. You can't go back to being a regular old Joe. You
are a vampire. You are my fucking vampire." Spike's sudden outburst shocked me.
I knew he liked me, I knew he liked being fucked by me but I sure as hell
didn't think it would be much more than that. To hear him describe me as "His
vampire" was more than a little baffling. I knew he was capable of emotion.
More capable than most vamps anyway, but not like that. Never like that. He was
too strong to show hurt, too arrogant. As he choked back tears I couldn't
believe what I was seeing.
"I needed you and you left me. You left
Dru. If you only knew how much that hurt. You have an obligation to us not just
your dearest Darla. It wasn't even Angelus I wanted it was you and you
disappeared. I killed that slayer for you, you know? That Chinese bird. Soul or
not I knew you would have made a handsome trophy for her. The slayer that
killed Angelus. She was looking for you. Might have caught you too. I couldn't
let that happen. I distracted Dru for you. I grew to need her but that wasn't
how it stared and you know that. You told me how much it hurt that she loved
you. Do you even remember that night? Do you remember us? Well, at least if I
can't have my Angel I can try and bring back Angelus." It was in that second
that I knew his plan. The look in his eyes betrayed it. His glint or arrogance
had turned into one of sorrow. In that second I knew how separate I was from
him, from them. He thought that to unleash my rage was to make me happy, give
me that one moment, but as that girl lay lifeless on the ground, what left of
her blood dripping down her neck and congealing against the cold pavement, I
knew I could never go back. Angelus was dead. I didn't know what had replaced
him because I sure as hell wasn't Liam anymore. The only thing I knew for
certain was that I wasn't him. I wasn't sure if I was anything. I just walked
away.
Next Part?