Ladies' Day Out
The moment Artemus Gordon dreaded had come, as he knew sooner or later it must. A career with the Secret Service battling criminals and villains of every description – evil, ruthless, desperate or mad – had prepared him for many encounters, but it hadn't prepared him for this. Still, he was no coward. A war and law enforcement-hardened veteran, he would face this day and do what he must.
"Angel dumpling," he continued, "what I'm trying to say is that just because the snow has drifted high enough that you and Tem can toboggan off the barn roof, it doesn't mean that you should toboggan off the barn roof."
"Yes, Daddy."
Those utterly innocent, utterly guileless brown eyes stared up at him with a look that could've disarmed a cannon. His little girl with her pretty dark curls had inherited his coloring rather than her mother's. So how was it those great big eyes of hers could weaken his every resolve as effectively as Lily's?
"So you will try harder not to do things like that and worry your mother and me quite so much?"
And there it was. The hesitation he'd known to expect while his darling little jailhouse lawyer of a daughter tried to work out how she could promise not to be better behaved but rather how to be better at not getting caught. Because behind those innocent brown eyes lurked a brain that was every bit as powerful, creative and yes, downright naughty and sneaky as his own. Damn it all, in addition to his hair and eyes did she have to inherit the cunning and guile too? Great Aunt Maude had often scolded Artemus in his youth that his sins would be visited back on him someday. Now he knew the form that punishment would take. And speaking of punishment . . . . Oh well, might as well get this over with . . . .
"Or . . . ."
Damn it, there was that treacherous cute and innocent expression again. The one that was so . . . effective.
"Or your mother and I will be very disappointed in you, young lady!" Artemus threw in a finger-wagging for emphasis.
"Yes, Daddy."
Well there – at least his little girl had agreed with him about something. Because the truth was, he more than understood the desire to toboggan off the barn roof. He'd have done it himself at her age, even knowing his own father would've tanned his hide for it. That's practically what giant snow drifts next to barn roofs were put on Earth for. But Amanda and Tem's nascent daredevil skills had demonstrated themselves at the worst possible time. That is, while Artemus Gordon's mother-in-law Prudence Fortune Peters was present. Artemus didn't have to wonder what Prudence thought of his parenting skills – she was always eager to tell him. And today was no exception.
"Oh, Artemus," Lily said, shaking her head as Amanda went off to pursue whatever her next form of mischief might be. Double whammy. Lily and her mother had both been listening in on the father-daughter conversation, and it was clear that the two women judges in his life were prepared to bang the gavel on a 'guilty' verdict.
Naturally seniority dictated which judge got to go first.
"You call that a reprimand?" Prudence snorted, hands on hips. "You're a real quilt of iron, you are, Artemus Gordon!"
"Now come on," he argued defensively. "I think I got my point across."
"No, darling, you didn't," Lily corrected. "I heard the whole thing too. Amanda didn't agree not to misbehave. She agreed that we'd be very disappointed if we caught her doing it! That's hardly a concession. She didn't promise not to misbehave at all."
"Well, that's because she takes oaths and promises very seriously," Artemus said. "She doesn't give her word lightly, that's all. Doesn't make a promise she might not be able to keep. Rather commendable, when you think about it."
"I can see where she gets it from!" Prudence snorted again. "Lily, you thought you were marrying an actor and Secret Service agent, but you left out the shyster occupation!"
"Oh, now wait just a minute here!" Artemus protested.
"Or maybe patent medi-"
"Stop it, you two!" Lily shouted, putting her arms up between her husband and her mother, not that the two had ever come to blows or ever would. But if Prudence needed a reminder of why Artemus occasionally called his wife 'Tiger Lily,' she was about to get one. "Mother, that was completely uncalled for! Now you apologize to Artemus this instant! I mean it!"
Those Gordon women, Artemus thought. Their eyes could either disarm cannons or become the cannon! After Prudence, in the face of superior fire, gave a grudging and one-word apology to her son-in-law, it was Artemus' turn to have his own ramparts threatened, he saw.
"And as for you, Artemus," Lily argued, "I know she's still your little girl now, but she can't stay that way forever! She's growing up, and she needs to learn how to act like a young lady – not just a mischief-maker. How is she ever going to learn to do that if you're too soft to discipline her when she needs it? Your own father disciplined you when we were children – I know he did! You're her father – you need to do the same for her. And before you even suggest it . . . ." Lily prodded him in the chest hard with the tip of her right index finger, "this is every bit as much your job as it is mine! I shouldn't always have to be the stern one while you're a . . . a . . . ."
"Quilt of iron?" he asked.
"Yes. I mean, no. Something softer than iron." Lily considered this for a few seconds. "Copper, maybe."
Ouch.
"But Lil . . . ."
"No buts, Mr. Artemus Gordon! I-"
"No, wait," Prudence interrupted, placing a hand on her daughter's arm. "Perhaps it does have to be up to us, my girl. Deny it or not, your dear father could be just as quilty sometimes – as I recall. If we're going to teach that headstrong young rascal of yours some proper manners, it's a job that can't just be handed over to the weaker sex." Prudence' drawl left no doubt as to which sex she thought that was. "She has to learn, and it should be from women, and that husband of yours has no idea how to be one," she gave Artemus a sidelong glance, "even if he does know how to put on a dress!"
Artemus groaned. So his dear mother-in-law knew those stories about his old cases, did she? He was really going to have to have a word with Lily about that. And Jim. And Frank, Jeremy and Ned, come to think of it. And possibly Colonel Richmond and the entire Secret Service present and retired . . . . Commit a truly brave act to rescue your partner and serve your country and you were just never allowed to live it down!
"Mother, don't start," Lily scolded, putting a bit of extra growl into it, before conceding that Prudence might have a point. "Artemus has impeccable manners, as you perfectly well know. But you're right - they are a man's manners and not a woman's manners. You and I will need to set the example for her. A day out in Chicago at an appropriate venue to see such things might do her a world of good."
It would do Artemus Gordon a world of good too if it got Prudence out of their house for a day, Artemus thought. Prudence and Lyle should have returned to their own home in Northern California by now following their Christmas visit. If only the weather had decided to be more cooperative this holiday . . . . No one would ever forget the terrible, tragic blizzard that had struck Artemus' native New York and Boston only a few short years ago. With reports of train lines and stagecoach routes blocked by snow along the Continental Divide these past two weeks, the little Gordon family had been forced to reconcile themselves with having Grandma and Grandpa Peters' stay extended far more than at least two, possibly three or four of the adults involved would have liked. Being cooped up in tiny Millwood Grove while the roads to Chicago were cleared hadn't helped matters any. A day of breathing room now that the roads were cleared, in Illinois anyway, might do them all a world of good, whether it helped his precious little pumpkin to act more like a member of the fair sex or not. The daily temperatures were about right for it too. One could take the horse trolley now without running the risk of freezing to death or being bogged down in mud – a happy medium range.
"However, Artemus . . . ." Lily added.
Whoops! Not quite off the hook yet.
"I really do mean it about discipline! You can't simply let her wrap you around her little finger every time!"
"How can I not?" he asked, wrapping his arms around his wife as if Prudence weren't there watching. "I already let her wonderful, lovely mother do that, don't I?" Amanda Gordon wasn't the only one who could conjure an innocent puppy dog look in this family. His daughter had learned it from somewhere all right.
"Oh, you!" Lily protested, but she did nothing to stop him from kissing her on those magnificent, soft lips of hers.
"Like daughter, like father," Prudence grumbled, but took the hint and left the kitchen to give the younger parents in the house some privacy.
[WWWWWWWWWWW]
"So that's the story," Artemus finished saying to his best friend and Secret Service partner James West. "And Lily wants to include your wife too, whether Adele cares for such martyrdom or not."
"I'm sure she can handle it," Jim grinned. "I've never heard of Prudence giving her any trouble. She seems to save that up for you."
"Don't remind me," Artemus grimaced. "And speaking of stories . . . ." He knew exactly what he wanted to say, but now that he was talking to Jim, he realized it might be a case of closing the barn door after the horses had bolted. But Jim took advantage of his conversational pause.
"I've got one for you," Jim said.
"Oh?"
"According to one of our sources, your in-laws and mine aren't the only ones who may be stuck in the area. Someone spotted Louis Lipinski in Chicago yesterday."
"Louis . . . ?" Artemus' eyes opened wide. "You mean Louie the Lip?"
Jim nodded.
"A bit far from his last reported stomping ground, isn't it? I thought Jeremy and Kate had trailed him all the way to the Mexican border before they lost him. What would he be doing up here?"
"Maybe he didn't endear himself to some folks in Mexico," Jim shrugged. "Or maybe they got wind of the price on his head and the climate suddenly got a little too hot for him. You know the bounty the Cropout Gang is offering is even bigger than the one the government's put out?"
"Yes." Arte did know it. "Except we need to catch him alive so he can tell us what he knows about the Cropout operation and they want him dead for precisely the same reason. Jim, that guy could be the most important stool pigeon out there since Norbert Plank!"
"So what say we take a look for ourselves while the ladies are having their tea on the town? My in-laws are just as stranded as your in-laws, and they'll be happy to mind their grandson for the day and keep Lyle company."
"That's because your mother-in-law is a holy blessed saint, as Kate would say. And so's my godson, for that matter."
"Ha!" Jim exclaimed. "But you know Ma Johnston won't go anywhere near the city if she can help it. It's all we can do to get her to travel here by train."
"Yeah, we know, or Lily would be inviting her too. Think she'll think we're being rude for not asking?"
"Nah. She'll be fine with it. Probably think you're doing her a favor, which you are. And that means we can have a whole day to look for Louie."
"Sounds like a plan – except for one thing," Artemus told him. As if Jim didn't perfectly well know! "I'm not a field agent anymore, remember? I only work for the Secret Service on a consulting basis – no dangerous stuff! If I go out there and get killed, Lily would never forgive me for it! I'd never forgive myself either – I'm a family man with responsibilities and so are you, for that matter." He prodded Jim with one accusatory finger just as Lily had done with him earlier. But the younger man appeared unrepentant.
"Aw, c'mon, Arte! Who said anything about danger?" Jim grinned. "Lipinski may be a first-rate counterfeiter, creative accountant and crook, but no one's ever accused him of violence. If we do find him, we just arrest him and that's it, plain and simple. It'll be a snap."
"A snap - I seem to recall that's what you once said about Norbert Plank!" Artemus scowled. "And may I remind you, James, the Cropout gang makes Diamond Dave Desmond look like a village parson by comparison? If one of our government's sources spotted Louie the Lip here, that means someone may have told the Cropouts as well. Have you thought about that?"
Jim nodded.
"All the more reason for us to find Lipinski before they do. It's our patriotic duty. Lily would understand that, wouldn't she?"
Artemus put up both of his hands, palms outward, to forestall any further conversation along these lines.
"Forget it, Jim! No way! There is absolutely not one word you can say that will convince me to go along with this crazy plan of yours – not one! My mind is made up!"
It took several words, actually . . . .