Standing Alone
In
these days, hope is the only thing that gets us by, the thought that
someone will descend from the heavens and save us from the cesspit
that this planet has become, this agonizingly tainted falsified
earth. Hope, heh, I was guilty of this sin once, I was once one of
the faithful, the damned. Faith is fake, belief is a lie, if god was
so forgiving why did he cast us into the hellish pit we call earth,
this barren wasteland of foolishness and corruption.
Oh right, 'cause we're an evil sadistic race, hell bent on destroying all we've been given.
I'm all alone, standing atop the cliffs of Dollet, waiting for an answer. I know I'll never get one, but either way I'll still be lost. Do I step forward and take the plunge into the icy seas beneath me? Or do I walk away and carry living this cursed pseudo life, wandering, alive but not living? Ugh, I'm asking a god who's turned a deaf ear to all that pray to him, I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore.
I feel like a puppet being strung along in some macabre puppet show, waiting for the puppeteers to tell me what to do next.
Who are these players that are controlling me? These morbid actors that make me dance, that make the do things against my will, manipulating me, why are they doing this? Even if I did escape, where would I go? Garden, that's the only place I've ever been, it makes sense…Right? Solace, I suppose one could say that's what I found there, but, I've been left with a craving for something, a void waiting to be filled, and just finding comfort in Garden isn't nearly enough.
Why am I always alone? Am I domed to haunt the earth evermore with my pathetic ersatz existence, this pseudo life? A shell of a man, living, but not alive, neither loving or loved, hating or hated, just there, alone.
The rain falls from the heavens as god weeps for me, but why? He's never given a damn about my soulless existence before, why cry for a lost being, shedding tears for one you've discarded. The one soul you've left broken and scarred on this earth, a child whose mother was ripped from him after birth, and the only person who ever cared disappearing so long ago. Ellone, where are you?
If god is all-seeing, all-knowing, why does he not see my pain, how can he not feel my suffering, this sanctified seraph that cannot save me from damnation and has just discarded me to the streets, why? Because he's god, he can just create new life and lord himself over there, he needs not the troubles of one pathetic life. Me.
I'm alone, left to be swallowed by the ever-expanding sea of corruption, each person slowly becoming deprived and insane, only wanting, only evil souls that can breath this polluted air, the demons that walk the earth and choose profit over life. The bastards who destroy the planet for them to make anything, those who sell themselves for cash, they all still have god to confide in. And yet, god still chooses them over me, the sinners, and the corrupt souls. I can't say I'm a holy man, but even so, I'm not bad…Am I?
Excerpt from the diary of: Squall Leonhart