Note: This story is not mine. The plot was born from an outrageous discussion on NFFR's forum of what it would be like if Narnians descended upon a store on Black Friday. I didn't come up with the events described here, but I couldn't let the idea go. All of this belongs to crazyelf22, writeonkate, and rthstewart. Please, forgive me you three if this sucks. I hope you think it's as funny as I do.
And remember, this takes place in a Target, so suspend all common Narnian sense you have - it will be a lot more fun that way.
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For some people, the day after Thanksgiving is a day of bargain hunting, of excitement and thrill. I, on the other hand, think of it as something else – hell.
For I am one of the lowly few who make Black Friday possible. Yes, I am a retail employee…and no retail employee has the day off on Black Friday.
Specifically, I work for the wonderful chain known as Target. Every day, from eight to four, I work in the clothing department. It's not the best job in the world, but it's something.
However, no one has a department on Black Friday…no, instead, you work in everything and anything. I think I worked in every department last year, plugging in a sixteen-hour workday. When I went home, I didn't just fall asleep, I went into a coma.
I thought last year was the worst. But no…I certainly was not ready for this year. I don't think even in my wildest dreams I ever would have been ready.
"Ready for Hell Day?" Rachel affectionately said. I gave her an icy glare. "Whoa, excuse me for trying to be happy."
"Black Friday is not something you take lightly, Rachel," I scolded. I looked up at the clock. Any minute now, the doors would open, and the longest day of the year would start.
"We'll be in the throes of the Inferno – we should try and scrape up some fun," she replied. "Hey, have you heard the rumor?"
"They've closed the store and we can go home?" I asked, hopefully.
"You wish," she scoffed. "Apparently there's going to be some very important people here today – but no one knows who."
"Do you think it's the president?" I eagerly anticipated checking out the leader of our country.
"What would he want with a Target?" Rachel said, as the doors swung open. We turned our heads to see the most shocking and brilliant sight I've ever seen.
At the doors were the normal rush of people, but in front of them, leading the way, was a pack of creatures, mythical or otherwise. Unicorns, fauns, centaurs, dwarfs, minotaurs, dryads, naiads, deer, rabbits, mice, squirrels, dogs, anything you could think of bestially was charging for us. With all of the creatures coming towards me, I failed to notice the small pack of humans among them. I gasped loudly.
"Rachel, what are these things?"
"I don't know, but I have a feeling they won't stop for us!" she cried, pulling me sharply away. I staggered over to the customer service desk, watching the parade pass by me. My mouth was slackened, hanging and gaping.
"Was that – are you serious – did that really just happen?" I sputtered. Rachel had the same bewildered look on her face.
"It did – and I think they came straight out of Narnia," Rachel replied, her speech fully competent.
"Narnia? What's Narnia?" I'm not much of a reader, so I never got around to reading the Chronicles.
"I'll explain later," Rachel said, casually. "They're not supposed to be here – Narnia's a fictional world."
"WHAT IN GOD'S NAME ARE THEY DOING OUT OF NARNIA?" I screamed. It seemed that I had temporarily lost my wits, and began bouncing up and down, yelling at the top of my lungs. "DID THEY JUST DECIDE THAT TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY TO BREAK THE LAWS OF – OF – OF – WELL, OF EVERYTHING?"
Rachel, who seems to recover very quickly from shocking situations, slapped me across the face. "Really, woman, get a hold of yourself."
"I'm sorry, but what's next? Voldemort and a couple of his Death Eaters decided to come in for a bargain priced stereo for their crib?" I declared. "This does not happen, especially in the Kentville Target!"
"Keep your head, okay?" Rachel started to walk away, heading for our posts behind the clothing desk. "Come on, this is going to be interesting, Narnians or not." I followed Rachel, my legs feeling numb and detached from the rest of my body. We didn't make it to the desk, though.
We made it only a few steps before our manager, a very frazzled Mr. Keller, came up to us. He was adjusting his tie and looking like he had sweated buckets. "Um, can you two do me a very big favor?"
I exchanged glances with Rachel. Should we? "Sure, Mr. Keller. What do you need?"
"Well, it's pretty busy today, but we have some very special guests with us. I need you guys to watch them for me. Make sure that they don't break anything valuable," Mr. Keller said, giving his tie another tug. "Or, at least make sure they don't do anything disruptive."
I felt my stomach drop. The Narnians made up half of the customers that came in. It was certainly not a job for just two people. "Um, are you sure that you just need two –"
"Please!" he burst, tightening his tie to a lethal tension. His face turned a disgusting color of red-violet. "I'm trying not to kill myself as it is, Miss Nobbe." He quickly loosened his tie, and his face paled…slightly.
"Okay, okay Mr. Keller," I tried to calm him down. "We'll go, don't worry." Rachel and I waved him a feeble good-bye, as he walked off, muttering to himself.
"I don't think I've ever seen him like that, nor do I want to again," I muttered to Rachel, as we followed the abundance of sound. We passed by the food section, and felt shock come over us all over again.
There, in the frozen food section, were a pair of beavers talking to each other, their heads bent over a package of fish sticks. Behind them were some otters piling shrimp into their carts.
"Beer batter – what is that?" one of the beavers said aloud. I felt my mouth drop once more.
"Good question. Maybe the humans will know," the other one said, flipping the package over in his hands. He glanced up briefly and saw Rachel and me, wide-eyed.
"Ah, here's some right here," it said. Its voice was deeper, so I assumed it was a male. "Say, can you tell me what's this 'beer batter?' Is it some way to beat up the fish?"
"Uhh…" I drawled. It occurred to me that that was probably going to be my word of choice for the next few hours.
"It's a type of frying crust they put on the fish before they cook it," Rachel replied. I don't know what I'd do without her.
"Hmm…is it any good?" the female one asked.
"Well…it's edible," I said, looking at the floor. I had a feeling that beavers would know the difference between real and processed fish.
The beavers exchanged a worried, wondering glance. "Well, sounds like this should stay in the fridge," the male said, turning to the fridge and opening the door.
Rachel and I turned around. We knew that this was only the beginning in a long train of strange encounters. We passed by the snack aisle, avoiding the scampering chipmunks examining the Blue Diamond almonds.
"Okay. If everything is like that, then we should be good," I said, relief starting to spread through my body. But, of course, this is Black Friday. Even without the Narnians, nothing is easy, simple, or enjoyable.
We looked over at the jewelry desk, and stopped in our tracks at the sight.
The poor lady at the jewelry desk, a woman by the name of Sarah, was trying to ward off a flock of crows pecking at the jewelry from overhead. She wasn't very successful, as they kept on swooping down and snatching up the glittering objects in their massive beaks.
"Hey, hey, HEY!" I exclaimed, waving my arms madly to stop the birds. They didn't notice. I stopped, began jumping up and down, and screamed at the top of my lungs. "HEY!!!"
It caught their attention, and then some. They stopped and stared, looking at me as if I were an intruder. "And what do you want, Miss?" one asked condescendingly. The contempt was heavy in the crow's voice.
"Um – uh," I stammered. My newfound courage suddenly fled me. Why must I charge into things only to realize what I've done halfway through? Of course, that's why I have a courageous, level-headed friend like Rachel.
"Please, kind crows, if you're interested in the jewelry, you mustn't plunder it like villains. You need to be kind and courteous, or else we'll throw you out," Rachel said, dignified as she pushed me behind her. My face reddened with shame.
"Well, if you're so insistent," the lead crow replied, landing on the countertop and tucking in his wings. The other crows did likewise.
I hung my shamed-face, staring at my Converse. Rachel turned around quickly and grabbed my forearm, pulling me away. I followed behind her, limply. I had a feeling that today was going to be one of those days where I was going to have to be shepherded by Rachel.
She tugged me along, going past the toys section. She slowed down suddenly, causing me to lurch forward and crash into her.
"I thought we only had to be careful of the Narnians," she muttered, rubbing her affected shoulder. I rolled my eyes, then felt something woosh by me. It was a gold-haired, lanky figure, that came very close to colliding with me. I managed to jump to the left of the aisle in time, when another, darker figure came whizzing by. I barely made the leap over to the right side.
"Good Lord, what was that?" I panted. I decided that even if it was Black Friday, I had done far too much running and jumping around today for the rest of my life.
"I think it was some kids on roller blades," Rachel said peering down the aisle. The two seemed to be in a furious race, yelling at each other over the ruckus. They managed to clear the entire aisle of oncoming shoppers, most of them screaming ladies jumping haphazardly out of the way.
The figures reached the end of the aisle, and turned. They slowed just enough for me and Rachel to identify them.
"I think the future King and Queen of Archenland passed us," she feebly said. The dark figure was a girl, who had heavy black hair and swarthy skin. The other was a sun burnt boy with wild hair.
"This rollerblading isn't that hard to do," the boy noted, picking up speed. We exchanged glances. There was only one way to stop them…and I was afraid of it.
"It's a little awkward, though," the girl replied, looking at her shoes. We took a deep, preparatory breath, clasped each others hand, and stretched ourselves out, blocking the aisle. I had a sinking feeling as I heard the whizzing of wheels draw nearer.
I closed my eyes. Just when I thought they were about to smack into me, I heard a enormous screech. I opened my eyes, and then felt the full force of the boy slam into me, knocking me to the floor.
"AHHH!!!!" I screamed all the way down. I was definitely not ready for a tackle today. Well, maybe. But not from an imaginary boy on roller-blades.
For a few moments, we lay on the ground, his head in my stomach, my eyes twitching from the shock. Finally Rachel, who did not have the misfortune of being bowled over, helped me to my feet. The dark girl did likewise with the boy on top of me.
"I'm so terribly sorry," the girl apologized, straightening the disheveled boy up. He looked particularly disoriented. "I wasn't expecting Cor to run into you."
"Yeah, well, neither was I," I muttered. My stomach hurt horribly, and I knew that I was developing a bruise on my butt as I spoke. "Listen, you guys can't go doing things like rollerblading around the store. It's dangerous, and you could damage the store." My wits seemed to be gathering up.
"Sorry," the boy muttered, rubbing his head.
"I suggest you take those skates off," Rachel said, letting me lean on her as we walked away. I could faintly hear the boy say to his friend:
"See! I knew we shouldn't have trusted Kind Edmund when he said it's okay to try sports equipment out."
I managed to limp past the rest of the toy department. There was no one there that was too dangerous, just a couple of centaurs and talking horses examining the My Little Ponies.
"Funny, I thought that all of those children would be in the toy section," Rachel noted. "All I saw there were some eager moms and horses."
And we all know how the horses love their toys, I thought to myself, as we turned the corner and caught our first glimpse at the electronics section.
Looking back, those first couple of encounters may have seemed horrible at first. But in retrospect, it was just the appetizer. Now it was time for the 1,800-calorie entrée.
Of course the electronics section is the busiest part of the store during Black Friday – the deep discounts, the hottest stuff on sale, the cool things to try out. So it wasn't as if it was Narnia there alone – no, in fact, there first sight I saw was a dwarf battling an angry mom over the last Gameboy DSi. If we hadn't have separated the two, I'm sure the dwarf would have gone Medieval on the poor woman.
I looked at the frenzied sight before us. There were people clawing over the Wiis, throwing digital cameras into their carts, stocking up on the latest new releases in music, hoarding the DVDs. There were arguments of all kinds, verbal and physical.
But worst of all was the smell. No, it wasn't the stench of sweat I was smelling – it was feral.
It was Narnian.
If my stomach had anymore room to drop, it would. Instead, my legs just caved in from underneath me, and I collapsed to the floor, my butt landing on my ankles.
"Kendra!" Rachel gasped, pulling me back up to my feet. "What happened to you? It's like you fainted or something."
"I think my brain just short-circuited, Rach," I wearily replied. "I think the fact that I just saw a dryad boogie down to the sample music of the latest Now CD is what got me. Is this seriously happening? Is this real? Is anything real? What am I doing here? Who am I? Who are you?" I began to babble. Suddenly, everything was a fun haze of clouds. Oo, look, a pretty light!
I reached out to pluck that light, when Rachel gave me her stern face again and slapped me. Hard. On both cheeks. Twice.
"Kendra, you are not allowed to lose control of yourself like that ever again. I forbid it. You will get through this and you will be sane," she concluded for me, straightening me up and moving away, letting me stand upright by myself. "Now, let's get the worst of it over."
We walked only a few steps when we saw one of the most unforgettable sights.
There, in the video game section, were a group of fauns trying out the latest version of Rock Band. And, weird enough, they seemed to know what they were doing. They all had their instruments in the right position, and one of them was in the middle of a fake solo on his bass. Sanity seemed to slowly creep out of me again.
"HELLO TRENTVILLE!!!!!" the lead faun screamed into the microphone. "My name's Tumnus, and I want to know – are you ready to rock?"
"YEAH!" Rachel screamed next to me. I gave my friend a startled look that she missed.
"The get ready, for we're THE NARNIANS!!!" Tumnus screeched into the microphone. Apparently fauns lacked the skills for band name originality.
As the faun on lead guitar struck the opening chord, I about near died from ridiculousness:
"You Oughta Know?" I said, disbelievingly. Of all the songs, an Alanis Morissette anthem about telling off your ex? Not very Narnian, in my opinion.
I rolled my eyes as the Narnians started to rock on and Tumnus was belting "Yeah, yeah, you oughta know!" into the microphone. This was ridiculous. "Come on, let's go Rachel," I said, looking at my best friend. My eyes widened in shock.
Rachel was banging her head, pumping her fist to the music. Seriously? I thought she was supposed to be the sane, collected one. "Rachel?"
"I love you Tumnus!" she screamed out like a fangirl. My mouth dropped open and I pulled her away, furious. She still continued to scream like a groupie as I headed towards an aisle of cables.
"WHAT was THAT?" I questioned. That scene definitely did not make any sense.
"What? Can't a girl rock out to a Narnian groove?" she asked, straining to hear Tumnus.
"Since when was Alanis Morissette a Narnian groove?" I asked. Rachel was about to answer me, when we heard a tremendous crash from the electronics desk. We turned around to see a frightening sight in front of us.
The boy at the electronics desk, a skinny, shy lad name Ryan, was sprawled out on the floor. He had a huge bump on the back of his head, and we were scared that he had been rendered unconscious. Luckily, he stirred and got up, rubbing his tender head.
"Ryan what happened to you?" I said, rushing over to the poor boy.
"I was –" he started his sentence, then looked as if he remembered something and looked down below under his desk. A second later, a loud curse was thrown into the chaos. "Damn it, that little punk!"
"What? Something happen?" Rachel asked, concerned.
"Well, Mr. Keller had me save a Wii for him for his kids in case we ran out of them today. Well, we did, and there were people clamoring around me, asking if there were any left. I told them no, that we had none in stock or under the desk. Well, one of those Narnian brats saw the Wii tucked under the desk and came up with a plan. One minute I was minding my own business, helping some lady with a digital camera purchase, and the next there was some kid on top of me. I tried to put up a good fight, but, well, he knocked me down on the ground, and that's how I ended down here, without a Wii."
The entire time, I wore a look of horror. These people where getting out of control – and something had to go down. "Ryan, you can't just let them do that to you!"
"Yes I can," he replied, holding his head in his hands. "They've got frickin' Aslan on their side. I'd probably die before I got near him." He looked over at two kids testing out the digital cameras by taking goofy pictures of them, and he suddenly lashed out. "Hey you two, either buy the camera or get lost!"
The two kids gave him a reproachful look, and walked away from the cameras. "I told you Americans were odd, Pole," the boy whispered loudly to the girl.
Ryan turned back to us, distress all over his face. "If there's any more attacks like that in the works, I swear I'm quitting after today, unusual circumstances or not."
"Do you want us to cover you, Ryan?" I warily asked.
"No, I'm afraid something worse is going to happen if I leave this nice, safe little ring of desk," Ryan replied, putting his head back into his hands. "Oy…maybe I need to quit now."
Rachel and I cautiously walked away, making sure that Ryan wouldn't do anything drastic. The poor boy had been pummeled and was suffering from a blow to his self-esteem…and head.
We turned around, and was in the thick of it all – the movie and television section.
People usually come in early for the deals on electronics, and most come in for the deals on T.V.s. This year, we had a gigantic sale on plasmas – many good sized T.V.s hundreds of dollars off. And, much like the Wiis, people were fighting to the death to get one of those coveted sets. The noise was deafening; the people, unreal.
"Do we have to go there, Rachel?" I asked, terrified. "I mean, we could always go around it."
"It's the worst place – you know it only gets better after this," she replied, fear slightly tinting her voice as well. For once, Rachel seemed afraid.
We looked at each other, trying to find some sort of reassurance. I gulped, and walked towards the ruckus.
Truth be told, it could have been a lot worse. I didn't get injured, and Rachel only got pushed around a bit. The entire section of T.V.s and DVDs were ravaged, however.
We entered the ring, trying to stay as close to the edge as possible – you never know when you need to make a quick getaway. I got a couple of elbows to the face. Rachel tripped over someone's cart, almost falling head-first into the huge pile of DVDs inside.
"Oh, bother, look at what you two did," a voice from below me said. I looked down and gasped at the red-haired dwarf. He gave me a scathing look. "What? Never seen a dwarf before?"
I stared mutely at him for a second, before Rachel ribbed me, making me look at her. "I'm sorry my friend is so rude, sir," Rachel apologized.
"Eh, I've had worse," he replied glumly.
"Found some more," a girl announced, in a sing-song voice. She had an armful of DVDs, nearly spilling out. She dumped them into the cart before me, and the dwarf gave a loud groan.
"Really, Your Majesty? Don't we have enough of these movies as it is?" he said, examining the case to 27 Dresses.
"You can never have enough chick flicks, Trumpkin," the girl replied, smiling jokily.
"Susan!" a voice called out. A girl came running towards her, waving a DVD in her hands. "Look what I found!" She flashed the cover – The Notebook.
The two girls squealed in delight at the discovery, while the dwarf rolled his eyes again. "Really, can't we find something a bit more…manlier?"
"Oh, Trumpkin! You don't even like movies," the younger girl said, putting the coveted movie into their cart.
"Anything's better than this," he muttered, looking scornfully at He's Just Not That Into You.
I was going to suggest the double feature Top Gun/Rambo DVD when a sudden eruption of discord filled the air. Everyone turned their heads to look at where the sound was coming from.
There seemed to be a warfare going on between a woman and her husband and two young teenage boys over a huge, $2,000 plasma screen T.V. The husband was off to the sides, trying to stay as uninvolved as he could. The woman was arguing with a blond-haired boy that was about sixteen, while the dark-haired boy at his side was eagerly egging him on. The boy had a Wii tucked under his arm.
"Oh, what did Peter get himself into now?" the elder girl said.
"Looks like he's fighting over the telly," the younger girl replied. "When we said get the best, we didn't mean fight for it."
"Well, you know how stubborn Peter is," the other girl mumbled.
"Listen, young man," the lady said, scolding "we got here first and got claim of this T.V. first, so it's rightfully ours."
"Since when? I was the first person in this aisle, so there's no way that this is yours," the boy named Peter spat back. The two arguers both had intense looks on their face, as if they were just waiting to pounce on the other.
"I was the first one to touch it," she replied, making sure he heard it.
"Yeah, well I was the first one to see it," he replied.
"I thought about it first," the woman degraded herself. I stifled a laugh. Seriously, she's a forty-year-old woman – why is she resorting to such childish tactics for a T.V.?
The two gave each other nasty looks, and some people were calling for a fight. Rachel and I once again shared a worried glance. We worked our way through the crowd, trying to see if we could break up the near-fight before us.
"Hey, hey!" I called once again, trying to get their attention. The noise was deafening, though, as they continued to argue. I tried to call out once again, yet was interrupted by the most terrifying sound of my life – a lion's roar.
At first, I thought it was a hoax. Come on, on top of all of this, there's a lion in the Target? Then people began to turn their heads, and scream in fear. I turned, to see a massive, huge, gigantic, enormous, ridiculously big lion at the end of the aisle.
Rachel looked, and ran off, screaming. Some things even my courageous friend can't even take. I, however, stayed rooted where I was, terror gripping my being. People ran by me, even knocked into me, yet I continued to stay rooted to the spot. I think I did actually lose my sanity at that point.
Peter, however, wasn't afraid at all. He may have cowered at the sound of the lion, but he actually seemed to have a smile on his face. I guess he liked being devoured by lions.
"Aslan!" the other boy shouted. "Why are you here?"
"I saw that you needed help, so I came," he replied, smiling. "You shouldn't have argued with that woman so, Peter. You nearly started a riot."
The blond boy hung his head in shame. "I'm sorry Aslan."
"Yes, well, let's see to it that greed will not get the best of you ever again. Now, come Peter and Edmund." The lion beckoned with his paw, starting to walk away. Peter nearly walked off with the T.V., yet Aslan stopped suddenly. His eyes were serious. "Leave the television behind, Son of Adam. It's been the cause of too much discord today. Now, let us leave this Target behind. Our time has ended."
Peter placed the T.V. back on the shelf, his face holding a slight frown. Edmund smiled, patting his Wii. At least he got something…
"And leave that Wii behind, Edmund," the lion called. "I know how you managed to get it."
Edmund quickly pulled his face into a frown before dropping the Wii onto the floor.
And all of that happened right before my very eyes. Funny…one doesn't expect people to willingly follow a lion. Although, one doesn't expect meet a lion in the first place.
Seconds later, the lion roared again – this time, it wasn't threatening or harsh, but like a call to gather. Suddenly, the raucous sound of footfalls filled the store. It was a stampede – a stampede of Narnians. All of the fabulous creatures that I saw before came running past me, headed for the origin of the call. I dare not move (although, my fear still had me rooted to the ground, so it wasn't too much of a problem) lest I be trampled by the onslaught of creatures.
Once the creatures seemed to have stopped clogging up the aisles, I ventured to look to see what had happened to them.
They were all at the check-out lanes, waiting. I chuckled a little to myself as my sense of humor kicked back in. After all of the savagery from both beast and human, they were all waiting, prim as you please, in the check-out lane. The cashiers all seemed amused and bewildered. They certainly got the easiest part of the entire ordeal.
I turned back to the entertainment section, and picked up the abandoned Wii. I felt that this would soothe poor Ryan's nerves.
I took a deep breath. It was not one of preparation, or of fear, but of relief. I had made it through Black Friday…or at least, Black Friday, Narnia style. I ambled back to the electronics desk, gave the Wii back to Ryan, calmed the hurting boy down, and turned back, to see the last Narnian walk away. I smiled.
"What's with that grin, Miss Black-Friday-is-not-something-you-take-lightly?" Rachel joked, as she walked back from the check out lanes.
"It's over, Rachel," I replied, smiling widely. "It's finally over. The craziest of Black Fridays is over."
"Well, for now at least," Rachel replied, flashing me her watch. It was only noon. Yet I still kept my smile on.
"You know, I don't care. Through all of that, I have a story to tell everyone," I replied, tucking this vast memory away in my brain.