Disclaimer: I don't own FF8, or anything like that. This is the best scene in the game.
SeeD. What is SeeD? Squall thinks they are only were trained mercenaries, not sailors for Edea. How can Edea be Cid's wife, and command men normally trained to kill her? There is something Cid is not telling doesn't understand. He feels like he will never understand anything anymore, that his mind can't grasp a thing.
It's not normal to have contradictions at Garden. Why doesn't he know anything?
A groan escapes his mouth as he is lying down in bed. Squall rolls over and checks the clock, displaying the numbers 14:29. Did he even eat breakfast? He doesn't recall. Maybe he should get up and walk around, but what does he care? Although he's been in bed in a sour mood for over a day, he has no intention of facing the world by getting up. Not when he can't even comprehend the situation he is leading as the commander of Garden.
Maybe he should talk to Cid, get his mind off of things. He hates thinking. He hates being like this. But what if Cid forces him to make a decision about things Squall doesn't have a clue about? He needs to tell Cid he cannot lean on him anymore, he can't count on him. With this revelation, Squall almost gets up to put his boots on, but once again his mind wanders.
Don't count on me. That's what he said to Ellone when he finally gave up. She didn't understand him in the library when he finally got the chance to talk to her. Don't count on me.
He recollects that shameful memory in the library; Ellone admitting that she was the one sending them into that so-called dream world. She only apologized, not answered, when he wanted to know more about the chaos of his own life. That was only adding to the confusion in his life. And what she said to him under her breath as she was leaving, that was the worst part. Squall always replays her words in his head, like the chorus of a catchy song; he hates the words but they get stuck anyway.
You're my only hope.
He hopes he isn't. How can he be the only one, in a sea of millions of people? Hyne, why does he have to be singled out? First, he is appointed the leader of a large mercenary school, now he is the only one who can change the past of a young woman's past. He already felt alone before talking to Ellone.
He shouldn't have to follow what she says, he decides. He should be independent of others now because he has been after leaving the orphanage. He is a leader now, a man. No, that is a lie; he is a child. A man would lead Balamb Garden the right way. He still does not know how to do this. However, he wants somebody to tell him what the right way is.
Somebody. He'll end up being dependent on others after all. Why does his life have to be this huge paradox? All he signed up for was being a SeeD, following others' straightforward orders. What he ended up with was the order to make confusing decisions.
But he needs somebody. He needs sis to help him, to be the guide she was when they were children. He needs Cid to explain everything. He needs the students and SeeD in Garden to understand he is just a child, but most importantly imperfect. He needs his comrades to help him fight. He needs so many people…
But Squall should be independent; he needs to continue because in the end he knows he will be on his own. People leave, whether they want to or not. When he went to Garden he did all of the work himself. He knows he is good enough because he earned the title of SeeD.
He thinks he falls asleep, although he isn't tired. In his dream, there is wind and rain and the orphanage. Then, there is a young child crying out for his sis…