Warning: there are a couple of really minor spoilers in here for various series. I think. It's certainly possible, with all the chaos. I don't think anything major, but anyway you've been warned to be cautious. (I'm pretty sure the only spoilers are a couple of revelations involving people that you thought were girls, who aren't. Heh)
[Ashfae skips into an astonishingly large room filled with an astonishing amount of people. She's wearing blue jeans, hiking boots, a black tank top, and a black leather jacket with "You Don't Know Jack!" written on the back in sparkling magenta sequins. From out of nowhere, she pulls a very large megaphone and begins to speak into it. Nothing happens. She glares at it miffedly, bashes it against a nearby table once or twice, shakes it, and tries again. There's a large squealing sound that gets everyone's attention and sends a few people cowering under tables. Ashfae waves her hands wildly and speaks into the megaphone]
"Hello minna-san! Welcome to my 21st birthday party! Food and drinks are over there and over there and over there and-" [pointing very quickly at various spots all over the very large room, which could more accurately be called a gymnasium] "-there!" she finished brightly. "Please don't fight too much, and remember to come say hello to your hostess and give her a nice present before you leave, okay?" [winks] "'Cause if you don't, she'll write evil fanfictions in which you're severely beaten by Tamahome. Or worse...I'll sic Lina Inverse (AKA the Dragon Spooker, the Dramata, and the Natural Enemy of All Those Who Live) on you!" [smiles brightly] "Now be good and have fun everyone!! And be sure to take part in all the games I set up, or else..." [looks meaningfully at Lina, who's already at the food tables scarfing down everything she can find. As one, the audience shudders. Ashfae skips off into the throng]
A pretty woman with shoulder length purple hair is reading through the list of activities; suddenly, she jabs at a particular item and shouts ecstatically. "All RIGHT! A drinking contest! Now THAT'S for me!"
"Eh? Doko doko doko doko? [Where where where where?]" A taller man with bright red hair runs over and grabs the list out of her hands. "Where the hell is it listed..."
"Bastard! Give that back!" The woman grabs the list back, and the two immediately get into a tug-of-war that ends with the list being split in half.
"Damn!!" The woman eyes her half of the list with extreme disappointment. "I could've cleaned up. I'll bet there were prizes, too..."
"You could've cleaned up? Nobody can drink more than the great Tasuki!" The redhead lifts an arm up into the air; flames spring up dramatically in the background.
"Wanna bet?" The woman lifts up an arm, and the image of a giant penguin appears behind her. "I, Katsuragi Misato, accept that challenge. TO THE ALCOHOL!"
"OY!" a crowd of people shout, following the two eagerly in hopes of witnessing the carnage.
In the background, a man with long brown hair wearing voluminous white robes calmly sips at a bottle of sake. Next to him sits a penguin with a bright red crest, holding a beer. "Idiots," Seijouro Hiko mutters. Penpen chirps in agreement. Simultaneously, the two take another huge gulp of their drinks.
A small red-haired man with a cross-scar on his cheek examines a piece of paper. "Swordfighting contest?" he murmurs. "How strange de gozaru yo..."
Looking up, he sees a small gathering of swordsman, presumably preparing for the coming fray. One of them raises a bokken to the sky; lightning flashes down through a conveniently placed hole in the roof and strikes the bokken as the man shouts out, "Surely I will be victorious, for I have the love of Tendou Akane and the Pig-Tailed Girl to strengthen my arm!" The other swordsmen all sweatdrop.
"Allen-san, do we really have to take part in this?" Van Slanzar de Fanel mutters.
The blonde swordsman grins dashingly. "It's a good chance for you to practice your footwork, Van." He leans over and whispers, "Besides, do you really want to anger Ashfae-sama? She's the writer!"
Ashfae appears suddenly from behind Hotohori. "Yeah! So be good, or I'll write a lemon about you and Cologne!"
Van's face drains completely of blood and he unsheathes his sword. "H-hai! Who am I supposed to fight first?"
"ME!" a voice booms. Van looks up to see Fuji towering above him. Fuji it roughly a hundred feet tall; his sword is ten times as large as his opponent.
"Help..."
The penguin eyes this gathering with amusement, then chirps a question at Hiko. Hiko shrugs. "Of course I was told to take part in that. But obviously I would win, so what's the point?" Penpen nods sagely and takes another swig of beer.
Tamahome holds a small slip of paper in his hand and stares with astonishment at the words written there. "Dark-haired kenpoists contest?" he murmurs, little question marks floating next to his head. Beside him, Hibiki Ryouga, Shinomori Aoshi, Jet, and other guys fitting the description hold similar pieces of paper. As one they all look up at each other, then turn around and stalk off in different directions. [it should be noted that Ryouga did not actually intend to wander off; he can get lost even when he's standing still]
Out of nowhere, Ashfae appears, tugging on the hem of Tamahome's robe. "Aw, c'mon guys!!! I love dark-haired kenpoists! Please just this once for me please it's my birthday c'mon..."
Chichiri sits on top of one of the food tables, holding a fishing rod. The end of the fishing line sits right in the center of a large bowl of punch on another table. Chichiri looks perfectly content with his situation. There is a small *poof* as a man with shoulder-length purple hair suddenly appears next to Chichiri. "Might I ask what you're doing?" he asks.
"Fishing no da!"
Xelloss blinks. "What do you expect to catch in that punch bowl?"
"Who knows no da?"
Xelloss blinks again. "Why do you say 'no da' at the end of every sentence?"
"Sore wa himitsu desu no da!" ["That is a secret no da!"]
A slow smile covers Xelloss' face. "I see! I'll have to remember that!"
With another *poof* he disappears. Out of thin air, the words "What a nice fellow no da..." are heard.
Mamiya Otaru fiddles with a Sega Genesis controller. "So, I'm trying to collect all these rings?"
"Yeah, yeah," Hiroshi and Daisuke cheer him on. Hiroshi leans over to Daisuke and whispers, "Man, you were right...with that hair, he really does look like Sonic the Hedgehog!"
Gourry looks confused. He's searched every inch of the food tables, but can't find any signs of his energetic (and hungry) partner. (well, aside from the heaps of empty plates, and the occassional miscreant who's been hit by a fireball) Gourry's eye finally catch sight of a short girl with red hair in the crowd, and he runs to catch up with her. "Oy, there you are, Lina!" he yells.
The redheaded girl he's speaking to turns around, and Gourry does a double-take. "Wait, you can't be Lina...your breasts are much larger than hers..."
Lina hears this; smoke is pouring out of her ears as she appears behing Gourry. "Why, you..." The other redhead begins glowing with a bright red aura and shouts out, "Hey, I'm a GUY!!!!"
As one, they stretch out their hands, and..."FIREBALL!!!" "MOUKO TAKABISHA!!!"
****BOOM!!!!!!!****
On the other side of the really rather excessively large room, Ashfae smiles. "Good thing I'm ensured against fire, fiancees, and crazy sorceress bandits..."
Off in a corner of the room, a small group of monks walk in a circle. They are wearing simple brown robes, with the hoods pulled low over the face. Each man carries a large, brightly colored manga. They are chanting very solmenly and very musically. "Ehhhhhhhscaaaaflooooowneeeeee... ehhhhhhhscaaaaflooooowneeeeee..." After each repetition of this, the monks hit themselves soundly on the head with their manga. This goes on for hours.
Two redheads sit next to each other, eyeing one another suspiciously. One is dressed in a simple red Chinese top with black pants; she has a pigtail. The other wears elaborate sorceress robes and keeps her hair loose. Other than that, they look remarkably similar. "Are you sure you're not my clone?" Lina Inverse asks.
"Never heard of you. Are you sure you never fell into the Spring of Drowned Girl?" Ranma-chan responds. The two have identical voices to match their nearly identical features.
A small girl with black hair bounces up to them. "WAAAAAI!!! You both sound like ME! How COOL!" Lime grins.
"How very strange," Ayanami Rei muses, "that our voices are so similar..."
"No kiddin'," Faye Valentine responds. "Those two over there even look the same, 'cept for the fact that one of them has breasts and the other don't."
"WHY YOU...!" "I'M A GUY!!!"
*BOOM!!!!!!!*
"Yeah! This is better than TV!" Ai shouts out. "Whoo whoo whoo!!!" She waves her arms and cheers enthusiastically as several of the girls get into a catfight.
In a different corner, Tamahome, Zelgadis, Michael, and Mikagami Tokiya all sweatdrop and mutter "Idiots" under their breath, in exactly the same tone of voice.
Nuriko is dressed in a red velvet tuxedo. He (she?) sits down at the head of a small table where several other people are gathered and begins to speak. "*Ahem* This impromptu meeting of Crossdressers Anonymous will now come to order. Are we all assembled? Tsubasa, Konatsu, Sailor Uranus... where's Kamatari?"
"Here!" A man (woman?) wearing a light blue dress walks up to the table, carrying a large scythe on his back, Saotome Ranma-chan in one hand, and Gabriev Gourry in the other. "Just collecting two of our missing members."
"I ain't no crossdresser!!!" Ranma-chan shouts. "Lemme go!" She (he?) tries in vain to break free, and is plopped down in a seat.
"What am I doing here?" Gourry asks. "I'm not a crossdresser either!"
"Of course you are, Gourry-san," Konatsu says sweetly. "They put you in drag at least once in every Slayers series. And Ranma, you've worn dresses several times. Why don't you both just accept it? You'll be much happier that way, and you both look so cute in pink..."
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"
"I'm telling you, Scully, there's something very strange going on here..."
"I'm not denying that, Mulder, but I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for--"
"What possible explanation can there be? Scully, that girl over there has cat ears, a tail, and _whiskers_! Maybe she comes from a world where cats have evolved into humanoid entities capable of communication, civilization, space travel...what if my sister was taken there and turned into a mutant cat? The truth is out there, Scully!!"
"Shut up and hand me a drink, Mulder."
[from the distance] "VAAAAAAN-SAMA!!!!!!!!!!"
"On second thought, make that two drinks."
"Pig-tailed girl!!!!" Tatewaki Kuno runs through the crowd, bashing people right and left as he rushes towards the glimpse of red hair that he has sighted. He catches the redheaded girl from behind, whispering dramatically, "I shall never let you go, my pigtailed goddess!"
Lina Inverse screams in surprise and fury. She squirms out of Kuno's grasp- and he latches back on immediately. She blinks, and squirms out again. Glomp! He's back.
Smoke appears from Lina's ears. "All right, NOW I'VE HAD IT!!!!!! Darkness beyond twilight, crimson from blood that flows, et cetera, et cetera, DRAGON SLAVE!!!!!!"
*BOOMBADDAKABOOM!!!!!!!*
Amidst the rubble, a tattered figure lies. "Such...power...such beauty...who is this firey maiden who has so suddenly captured my heart? I must know! I must-"
*klonk*
Lina reappears and bashes Kuno on the head with a large frying pan. He passes out; the onlookers who have not been singed to a crisp clap enthusiastically. Off to the side, Ranma whistles and then calls out, "Hey Lina, you've gotta teach me that move!"
"But really, Misao-chan," Ukyou says firmly. "These throwing spatulas are much better than knives. Just as sharp, they cut through the air just as quickly, and after you've cleaned them, you can use them for cooking food for the one you love!"
"I don't know, Ukyou-san," Misao says in a doubtful voice. "What about--"
"KOUREN!!!"
Misao's sentence is interrupted as Nuriko grabs her from behind in a tight hug. "I didn't know Ashfae-sama invited you!! If you're alive, I don't have to crossdress anymore!"
Misao's face is turning blue from lack of air. "...not...Kour..."
"Huh?" Nuriko drops her to the ground and ponders. "But you look just like her..."
"So, uh, um, uh, er, ah, um, what do you, uh, do?" Ryouga pokes his fingers together, anxiously avoiding the gaze of the cute girl in front of him.
"I fight for justice! I seek out evil wherever it dwells and smite them with the weapons of love and goodness! Whatever the bad guy might try to do, good will always win out in the end!" As Amelia speaks, stars and rainbows shoot out from behind her dramatically. They disappear as she takes a sip of tea. "Oh, and I'm also a princess and a white magic specialist, whenever I have the time."
Ryouga blinks for a while, the dual confusion of a-cute-girl-is-talking- to-me!! and justice? princess? magic? proving almost too much for his brain. After a few minutes of blinking, a thought settles. "White magic? You mean, you can cast white magic? Like healing spells and stuff?"
"Sure!" Amelia says brightly.
Ryouga's eyes grow very wide. "Could you...could you...*mumblemumblemumble*"
Amelia blinks. "What?"
"Couldyoucureacurseformepleasepleasepleaseplease-"
"Oh, a curse!" Amelia smiles. "I'd love to! Just a second-" She places her hands together, closes her eyes briefly, and then begins chanting. Her hands glow with a white light.
Ryouga leaps into the air, shouting. "I'm free! I'm free! No more pig! No more P-chan! I'm free free free free fre-"
A bucket of water appears from nowhere [what, were you expecting some logical reason for it being there? Why bother? *gryn*] and lands directly on him. He immediately shrinks into a small, extremely disgruntled (but still cute!) black pig.
Amelia opens her eyes. "Hmm? Where'd he go? I didn't finish my spell... oh, what a cute little pig!!!" She snags Ryouga/P-chan crushes him against her chest. "Oh, you're just too cute! I think I'll call you Bubbles. Do you like that? Of course you do!"
Ryouga/P-chan just sighs as his nose starts to bleed.
"Finally! A chance to show that I've been learning!" Akane rolls up her sleeves. "THIS time it'll work! My special watermelon/curry powder combination can't fail!"
"Yeah!" Kaoru shouts. "This time I'll make rice balls that are better than Kenshin's!"
"Rice balls?" Miaka asks. "It says here that we're all supposed to make pancakes..."
Kaoru looks confused. "Pancakes? What are those?"
Koishikawa Miki glares at a program. "'Toxic Cooking Contest?!' I might not be a great cook, but my food is not toxic! Yuu eats it, right?"
Urd, Goddess Second Class (license suspended) eyes a large spatula with distaste, then tosses it over her shoulder. In the background, someone screams. "Pancakes, huh? Let's see..." She crosses her arms in front of her and begins chanting. "Circle of fire, for heat and desire...circle of earth, for balance and nature...grant me your power, and bless this, thy vessel!"
As she chants, chi gathers around her hands, causing them to glow. As she says the last word, the chi hurtles towards the bag of flour resting on the counter in front of the girls. The bag promptly explodes, dusting everyone within fifty feet in a solid white coat of flour. Everyone sweatdrops collectively. Urd manages to look a bit sheepish. "Oops."
Around her, other girls glare with an intensity that could kill small rodents. Akane makes a fist. "Oops?" she asks in a surprisingly mild voice. "OOPS?!!" [not so mild that time.]
"Uh...sorry?"
Far, far, far away (as far as they could get), Ranma, Tamahome, Kenshin, Yuu, and other boys who were afraid of getting force-fed something or another all shudder as they hear the sounds of mass carnage. Ranma twitches. "At least now they won't ask us to eat anything..." he mutters. Everyone nods violently in agreement.
A cute Japanese girl wearing a lovely china dress stands behind a small desk covered with rocks. Each rock is decorated with a bit of yellow cloth and tin-foil "swords"; cute (if unexpressive) faces have been drawn on them. Besides her a tall, cute (if unexpressive) man stands watching in silence, not reacting to anything in his surroundings. The girl shouts out "Buy your own Aoshi-rock right here! Get them while they last! Who needs pet rocks when you can have your own Aoshi-rock? I, Harumi, guarentee that each one will be just like the original! Also useful for throwing at your younger brother if he's being obnoxious! Don't miss out on this great deal! Hey Aoshi, business is great, don't you think?"
"..."
"I've sold so many of my pet Aoshi-rocks! ...of course, Misao must've bought fifty of 'em, and all the rest were to the members of the Aoshi-Misao Mailing List, but who cares, right? They're so cute, I just know other people will start buying them soon!"
"..."
Harumi scowls and mutters under her breath, "Definitely too much like the original..."
"..."
"Hahahahahahehehehehehee!!! What a funny-looking old ghoul!!" Soujiro laughs helplessly.
Cologne glowers at him. "Hasn't anyone ever told you to speak with respect to your elders?"
Soujiro smiles brightly. "I'm sorry, obaa-san. But you really do look funny."
"Why, you...Katchu Tenshen Amiguriken!!!"
Cologne begins hitting Soujiro with blindingly fast speed. Soujiro taps his foot a few times and retaliates with his Shuku-chi; soon, the two are moving so quickly that the people watching can only make out the occasional blur. Before much longer their speed is so fast that they disappear entirely.
"...are they still here?" someone whispers.
"Who can tell?" someone whispers back.
A bunch of incredibly cute animals are gathered together into a circle around a piece of posterboard. The posterboard declares, "Which is the cutest??? Take your pick and win a prize!!!" Ein, the dog from Cowboy Bebop, sniffs curiously at the...uh, whatever...from Nausicaa. It sniffs back and chirrups. P-chan sits dejectedly on the outskirts of the circle, eyeing the other animals in despair.
A small creature that looks like a rabbit looks at all the other critters and meows plaintively. She looks up at the sign and twitches an ear. She reads the words "...win a prize!!!" A small thought bubble appears above her head. The white space within the thought bubble is filled with a carrot. Then another carrot. Then a whole mess of carrots!
Ryo-ohki meows again happily and begins transforming into her "real" form- a starship. The other animals are all crushed beneath it. [don't worry, they're made of rubber and celluloid, they can't really be crushed] Ryo-ohki shrinks back into her cabbit form once more; she's sitting on top of a large pile of cute, unconscious animals. She purrs in victory and waits for her carrots to arrive.
Ashfae appears in a puff of lavender-colored smoke, still holding her megaphone. One of her shoes is missing, and confetti is scattered through her hair. She has an "X" painted on her cheek with chocolate pudding. With a sigh, she once more addresses the masses. "Uh, okay everybody! I'm glad you had a nice time, but the party's over now!"
No one pays any attention.
"I'm warning you, guys...disperse now, or you'll regret it..."
Nothing. Ashfae smiles. "You leave me no choice but to use my ultimate weapon. Arisa! Kodachi! Naga!"
"What? We were just having fun..."
"Don't you think Saitou and Kunou would make the perfect couple?"
"OOOOOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!!!"
The three immediately start laughing _that_ laugh, at three times the usual volume. Partygoers begin screaming and running away in panic. Soon, the room is empty except for Ashfae, the three psychotic laughing maniacs, and...a really huge mess.
"Oh NO!" Ashfae cries. "Now who's gonna help me clean up???"
Penpen crawls out from under a table, holding a small brush and dustpan. He tosses them at Ashfae and then leaves. Ashfae looks down at her hands, tears pouring down her cheeks. "Oh no..."
A very busty young woman with purple hair, a biker's cap, and an apron taps Ashfae on the shoulder. "Great party. Pleasure doing business with you. Here's the bill." She winks and walks out of the building carrying a towering (think: several hundred feet) stack of dirty dishes. On the back of her uniform can be read the words "Luna's Catering Service."
Ashfae reads the bill (which includes the cost of extended damages from numerous Fireballs and Dragon Slaves, ironically enough) and sobs even harder.
"OOOOOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!!!"
Being a *huge* crossover, this fanfic contains characters from a lot of places. Included are:
From Fushigi Yuugi: Tamahome, Tasuki, Nuriko, Hotohori, Miaka, Kourin. From Slayers/Slayers Next: Lina, Gourry, Naga, Amelia, Xelloss, Luna. From Rurouni Kenshin: Kenshin, Kaoru, Saitou, Aoshi, Misao, Hiko, Soujiro, Kamatari, Fuji. From Neon Genesis Evangelion: Misato, Penpen, Rei. From Ranma 1/2: Ranma/Ranma-chan, Akane, Ryouga, Kunou, Ukyou, Shampoo, Cologne, Kodachi, Konatsu, Tsubasa, Hiroshi, Daisuke. From Vision of Escaflowne: Hitomi, Van, Allen, Merle. From Saber Marionette J: Otaru, Lime. From Marmalade Boy: Miki, Yuu, Michael. From Ah! My Goddess?!?: Urd. From Cowboy Bebop: Jet, Faye, Ein From Tenchi Muyo: Ryo-ohki From Sailor Moon: Sailor Uranus From Flame of Recca: Mikagami Tokiya From Video Girl Ai: Ai From All Purpose Cultural Cat Girl Nuku Nuku: Arisa
Most of these characters appear, but a few are only mentioned or seen in passing; I thought I'd include those in the list anyway. Did you recognize everybody?
Also including a guest appearance by Mulder and Scully from the X-files (who could resist?) and another guest appearance by our own Harumi. Who else could sell Aoshi-rocks? =) Thanks, Harumi! Ah yes, and no offense is meant towards the AM list...hope you didn't mind. (wouldn't you like a cute little Aoshi-rock? *looks innocent*)
A few other notes on slightly more obscure jokes:
"Sore wa himitsu desu" is Xelloss' trademark phrase. He says it at least once in every episode of Slayers Next, far as I can figure. It means "That is a secret!" "No da" is something that means nothing, which Chichiri tacks on to the end of his every sentence. The two were obviously met to meet. Perhaps I can make "Sore wa himitsu desu no da!" my trademark line...
Lina Inverse, Ranma-chan, Ayanami Rei, Lime, Faye Valentine, Video Girl Ai, and about ten gazillion other characters all have Megumi "She's Everywhere!" Hayashabara as their voice actress. Tamahome, Zelgadis, Michael, and Mikagami Tokiya all have Hikaru "Almost As Popular As Megumi" Midorigama as their voice actor. Also some Gundam Wing guy, but I've actually never seen Gundam.
Ryo-ohki is a galactic starship who most of the time happens to look like a small cute rabbit that meows. She's obsessed with carrots. She rocks.
For the record, it is not my intention to bash Lina Inverse. She's probably my favorite anime character ever. With the exception of Xelloss, of course...*Gryn*
This probably isn't finished. I still haven't written a scene including Sano and Tasuki. (just imagine what would happen if they met...) Or Tasuki and Dilandau. Or Washu and...but those will wait for another day. Maybe I can write a sequel--"Ashfae Makes Everybody Go Hunting For Easter Eggs!"
BTW, about the megaphone sending out feedback...let's just say that my ability to cause both electronic and non-electronic devices to spout feedback is legendary in my Intermediate Electronic Music class. *sheepish gryn* Intermediate my booty.
ashfae@technicaldetails.org
http://www.ashfae.net