Late at night, watching the shows that Sheldon has decided on. He's decided on everything, what shows to watch when, what food to eat every day, when to go to the comic book store. You used to hate this, or mind it, missing the freedom you thought you had. But what did that freedom ever lead to? Indecision. You had to admit it was nicer to have things planned, and not by you.
You pretend to be annoyed by his anal retentive nature when you feel it's appropriate, but it never matters because he can never tell. You'd never admit that you like your life now, you like sharing this space with Sheldon, whose beauty can overwhelm you. In the darkened living room you can see his face by the blue glow of the T.V. He sits straight up, watching the science fiction program that is always what you watch at this time on this night. You can see the sheen of light off of his large blue eyes.
The routine your life has fallen into soothes your worries about work. Work is going nowhere. The expected discoveries aren't materializing. You know that Sheldon has made strides in his field, and you know that his genius exceeds yours. But you're used to this. Far from the smartest in your family, far from the smartest in your field, far from the smartest in your apartment. But still, you are light years ahead of the regular people, people like Penny across the hall.
You long for Penny just as you long for Sheldon, and neither are attainable in that way. You are a friend to both and nothing more, could never be anything more. But Penny's crooked little smile and wavy dirty blond hair makes you long for something. You long to bite her bottom lip in a kiss. You long to fall asleep in her arms. Penny makes the longing tangible, with her casual shoulder pats and kisses on the cheek and quick hugs passing her in the stairwell. Sheldon makes the longing impossible, glaring at you if you so much as brush up against him.
You know that one night you could have a couple of glasses of wine at Penny's apartment and one thing could lead to another. You know that the possibility, however remote, is there. There is no possibility with Sheldon. You've never seen him show any kind of desire for anyone, male or female, and maybe he isn't capable of it.
"Leonard, are you upset?" Sheldon said suddenly, and you blink at him. The room is dark, the show that he has chosen is on, and your thoughts were beginning to cross the Mobius strip into the familiar sub depression that is your most common state, but how would he know? He never understood the most obvious sarcastic jokes or understood when certain conversational topics were making people uncomfortable. How could he have understood that you were melancholy and full of longing in the dark?
"Um, a little," You adjust your glasses on your nose and peer over at him. He is looking at you calmly, pinning you with that blue stare. You can see his adam's apple move when he swallows.
"Oh, good, I got it right," he said, pleased with himself, and that makes you smile. You stare at him harder, taking in the long sleeve shirt over the short sleeve shirt, the plaid pants. His style of dress reminds you of high school kids from ten years ago.
"What are you upset about?" he said, his concern secondary to his pride over knowing that you were upset in the first place. You used to be irritated with his inattention to other people and their needs, their moods, their wants, but it doesn't bother you much anymore. You think Sheldon has some form of a social disorder, or Asperger's. After all of your failed attempts at being social, dating, forming and forging a relationship with someone, anyone, you envy him. The things that stab at the tender meat of your heart don't even concern him, he can't even understand it.
His question is a loaded one, and you don't know how you would even explain it to him. So you don't try.
"Wait," you say, "how did you know I was upset?"
He half turns toward you to answer your question, and you can hear the way the fabric of his pants rubs up against the fabric of the couch.
"We have seen this episode before and at this particular part you had laughed. You didn't laugh this time, and considering that the scenario in the episode is exactly the same you should have laughed, unless the novelty added to your enjoyment of it the first time. But what is amusing doesn't lose that quality, and over such a short span of time, considering the fact that we had last watched this episode three months and 2 days ago it should still be amusing to you, and for the same reasons, eliciting at least some response. It did not. That lead me to the conclusion that you are not giving the show your full or even partial attention, are thinking of something else, and that this train of thought is upsetting to you,"
You laugh, never quite getting used to his convoluted explanations. He tilted his head and look puzzled, not understanding the reason for your laughter, which makes you laugh more. He may be one of the most brilliant scientists on the west coast, but there was so much he didn't understand. You licked your lips and looked at his, wishing you could run your tongue over them just one time.
"Is this not accurate? You said you were upset, and that was how I deduced it. So what's funny?" he said, and you giggled just a little, you couldn't help it. And the thing was, he was right. You weren't paying any attention to the T.V. show, and if you had been you would have laughed at that part.
"It's not funny, I'm sorry. And you're right, I was just thinking of things…and I'm upset,"
"Do you want a hot beverage?" Sheldon said, and you knew that this was the result of training from his mother. This was what she told him to do if someone was upset. He stood up before you answered, and you gazed up at him, so tall and thin, looking at you with something like concern.
"Yeah, sure," you said, and leaned back to watch him make you a cup of tea.