Miss Bitters destroyed the disclaimer saying I don't own Invader Zim characters. This horrible piece of writing is just some madness from my mind. MADNESS!
The Devastation of A Bake Sale
"Enter Bitters…" The Skool Committee hissed in their cloaks as Bitters entered the Secret Principal's office. The secretive real power behind the skool was meeting to discuss important issues of the day.
That and to get away from the children which they hated.
"This better be important," Bitters snarled. "I get so little time to myself as it is."
"This is a necessary routine staff meeting," The Head Cloaked Figure remarked. "As head of the Teacher's Union you're supposed to join meetings like this in order to keep the skool running smoothly and make sure our control over the children is absolute."
"If I had known how much of my personal time this job would have taken up, I never would have disemboweled the last head of the Teacher's Union," Bitters snarled as she sat at her seat.
"Hey wait, don't you have class now Bitters?" Another cloaked figure asked.
"Don't worry. I let Dib give another 'Why Is Zim An Alien' presentation," Bitters waved. "It gets them out of my hair for an hour and tortures those children at the same time."
"Excellent work Bitters," The Head Cloaked Figure chuckled. "You are the most ruthless, cruel and downright nasty teacher we have. Your soul crushing and spirit dampening skills are unmatched and you strike an enormous amount of fear into the hearts of children and teacher alike, cutting off any desire to rebel."
"Cut the crap and get on with it," Bitters snarled.
"Just one tiny little thing…" The Head Cloaked Figure gulped. Even he was reluctant to cross Bitters. "Nothing major. Just a tiny change in skool policy that's been adopted. As of now you're kind of over your limit on the number of students you send to the Underground Classroom so just don't send any more this year."
"WHAT?" Bitters roared with a force that nearly knocked the council back.
"I told you she wouldn't like it!" Another cloaked figure grumbled.
"What do you mean I'm over my limit of students I can send to the Underground Classroom?" Bitters shouted as she slammed her fist on the desk. "Since when do we have a limit in the first place?"
"Since the Underground Classroom got overcrowded," The second head cloaked figure sighed. "We just don't have any more room to put any more children in there."
"Well what am I supposed to do? Those stupid people out there keep breeding and sending in more and more idiot children!" Bitters slammed her fist on the desk. "This is exactly why I keep pushing for mandatory sterilization of all young people until the age of twenty five!"
"Not this again…" Another Cloaked figure moaned.
"Hey we all know when they become teenagers these hormone raged morons can't stop mounting each other like dogs on the last fire hydrant on the block!" Bitters snapped. "It's the perfect way to end teenage pregnancy and cut down on the population of stupid children! Why does no one listen to me?"
"Bitters we've been over why we can't do that," The Head Cloaked Figure moaned. "And no, it has nothing to do with free will or morality. It's just too damn expensive to do that! We could barely afford the money to clean up the toilets in the student bathrooms!"
"And we only did that because they were smelling so bad even we couldn't stand it," Another cloaked figure moaned. "And you know how the fiscal situation of this planet is totally wrecked thanks to these stupid humans!"
"You just had to teach them those little tricks to make more money in the stock market didn't you, Scratch?" Bitters sneered. One cloaked figure shrank.
"It was just a little experiment…" Scratch played with his fingers.
"Oh right. Now I remember what I was supposed to do this week," The Head Cloaked Figure snarled as he pushed a button.
"Huh?" Scratch blinked as a huge claw came out and grabbed Scratch so quickly it yanked him out of his hood and threw him outside before anyone could blink.
"NO! NOT THE SUN! NOT THE SUN!" Scratch screamed in agony outside. "AAAAAHHHH! I'M ON FIRE!"
"That reminds me, I need to pick up some extra strength sunscreen after skool," Bitters thought.
"OH THAT REALLY HURTS! AAAAGGGGHHH!" Scratch screamed then there was silence.
"All right let's get back to basics," The Head Cloaked Figure sighed. "We need money and we need it fast. Any ideas?"
"Rob the students of their lunch money!" Several ideas were shouted from the remaining cloaked figures. "Go to the parent's houses and rob them! Rob a bank!"
"Any probable ideas?" The Head Cloaked Figure grunted.
"You're all getting as dumb as the students we teach," Bitters snarled. "Just crank up the taxes and have the Board do some embezzling. If that fails, go to the Mob. They owe us a few favors."
"There's only so much money taxes and embezzling can get," The Head Cloaked Figure sighed. "And the economy is so bad even Organized Crime is taking a hit!"
"Yeah! People are using stuff they get out of their medicine cabinets instead of buying drugs to get high," The Second Cloaked Figure said. "There are so many legal slot machines, casinos, racetracks and online betting to get their gambling kicks. Prostitutes losing customers to girls willing to do it with anyone for free or willing to give 'em a record deal. They don't even have enough money to do loan sharking anymore. It's terrible."
"Well we have to do something!" The Head Cloaked Figure snapped. "Maybe we can hold another door to door fundraiser? Zim and Dib seemed to bring in a lot of money the last time."
"They also brought us a lot of lawsuits for all the idiots who got sick on that candy crap we sold," Bitters sneered.
"Oh that's right," The Head Cloaked Figure sighed. "What kind of company puts sawdust and metal shavings in chocolate?"
"The lowest bidder?" Bitters sneered.
"Oh right...They were cheap," The Head Cloaked Figure remembered. "And now they're out of business thanks to that class action lawsuit."
"Maybe next time we should go with the scented candles?" A cloaked figure suggested.
"Great! Then half the town will burn down," Bitters sneered. "On the other hand if the fires take out some of the students that might solve our overpopulation problem."
"We'll put that in the maybe pile," The Head Cloaked Figure sighed.
"Good news everyone!" Principal Edgars walked in cheerfully.
"You've decided to commit suicide?" Bitters asked.
"No, no! I've decided to solve our little financial problem in our Special Education Department," Edgars said cheerfully. "We're going to hold a bake sale!"
"Special Education Department? What Special…" The second cloaked figure asked before Bitters hit him on the head.
"The one that we hold in the basement," Bitters snarled. "Remember?"
"Oh right! That! Yeah I remember," The second cloaked figure nodded.
"We're going to have the students cook yummy food and cupcakes and sell them all day!" Edgars said cheerfully. "It will take care of that stupid Family Studies Requirement from the Board of Education as well!"
"Well…It's stupid but it can't be any worse than the book fair when the library burned down," The Head Cloaked Figure folded his arms.
"YOU CAN'T BLAME ME FOR THAT!" Scratch was heard screaming outside. "I FORGOT MY HOOD AND THE SUN CAME OUT AND…"
"Uh I'll go see what that commotion is outside!" A hooded figure jumped up with a glare from both Bitters and the Head Hooded Figure. He took out a gun. "Sounds like a rabid animal." He slithered out of the room quickly. There was a gunshot and the figure slithered back in.
"Rabid raccoon. All taken care of," The figure whistled innocently.
"Good! Don't want the kids to get bitten and the skool to get sued!" Edgars said cheerfully. "I'm off to plan! And get my baking pans ready! Ooh! I love making cupcakes!" He left the room.
"Seriously? We're reduced to this plan?" Bitters asked.
"It's better than nothing," The Head Cloaked Figure grumbled.
"Remind me again why we have that idiot as our principal?" Bitters snarled to the cloaked figures.
"Simple, to have a human face to put out to the public," The Head Cloaked Figure snarled. "Besides we really don't want to deal with those whiny children and those loser parents of theirs."
"Wimps," Bitters sneered. "This is gonna be a disaster."
And that disaster was mostly caused by an Irken. But surprisingly the Irken that was the catalyst for the madness wasn't Zim. Well actually Zim did contribute but there was another Irken that was also responsible.
"I wonder what Zim is doing?" Skoodge thought to himself as he peeked at the Skool from the bushes. He saw dozens of booths manned by students selling food. "At least this planet has plenty of snacks."
All the students were at booths selling all kinds of treats. At least that was the idea. Nearly everyone there were standing around Principal Edgar's cupcake booth. "Cupcakes for everyone!" Principal Edgars said cheerfully.
"YAY!" The children cheered.
Well not everyone was so happy.
In the corner at a booth no one was visiting were Zim and Dib. They were assigned to man the fondue booth. "This is nuts! It's eighty three degrees outside and we're sitting here watching a pot of boiling cheese!" Dib grumbled. "Yeah that's what people want on a hot day! Boiling cheese that can scald your taste buds off!"
"Do you ever stop rambling? Does that big mouth always have to keep running?" Zim snarled.
"Hey! I don't like this any more than you do!" Dib said. "The only reason I didn't skip out on this stupid thing is to make sure you don't think up some stupid plot to poison the skool or something!"
"Poison the skool Dib? You really think that Zim would stoop so low as to poison the food in order to eradicate the worthless worm babies that…" Zim then thought. "That is a good idea actually. I gotta write that one down."
"Who sells fondue at a bake sale anyway?" Dib asked aloud.
"Bah! Feeding stupid food stuffs to stupid brainless humans! This reminds me too much of Foodcourtia," Zim shuddered.
"Foodcourtia?" Dib blinked.
"A miserable planet that was my miserable prison before…" Zim then stopped. "Why am I telling you this?"
"I dunno," Dib shrugged. "Wait you were in prison?"
"Worse. A fast food restaurant," Zim grumbled. "That's where they send the worst offenders on my planet. To be food drones or janitors. Wait why am I telling you this?"
"Because I asked?"
"Oh. I guess that's it," Zim blinked.
"So is that where you went last week when that guy from outer space broke through the classroom roof?" Dib asked.
"Yes! Sizz-Lorr! My hated fry cook warden," Zim snarled. "But Zim tricked him! And it will be another twenty years before he can track me down and escape! Unless there's another time warp thing so he might be coming back within a year or so."
"Technically the time warp ratio is two to twenty so you have another two years on this planet before the Foodening is over," Skoodge emerged from the bushes.
"Oh that's good to know," Zim remarked.
"ANOTHER ALIEN!" Dib gasped.
"What? Skoodge you idiot! What if someone sees you without a disguise?" Zim yelled.
"You mean like him?" Skoodge pointed at Dib.
"Besides Dib!" Zim snapped.
"OVER HERE! MORE ALIENS! COME ON!" Dib yelled. Everyone ignored him. "HE'S STANDING OUT IN THE OPEN! JUST TURN AROUND!"
Of course no one paid any attention to Dib. "CUPCAKES! CUPCAKES!" Everyone squealed as the principal juggled the cupcakes.
"I don't think I have to worry about being seen," Skoodge said.
"What is wrong with this planet?" Dib yelled.
"I've been asking myself that very same question for quite some time now," Zim shrugged.
"Yeah I haven't been here that many times but even I've noticed that your species is a bit slower than most," Skoodge said as he sniffed the fondue pot. "Then again I wish the Rat Monsters of Blortch were like them. Would have saved me a lot of pain."
"Sometimes I wish I got your assigned planet," Zim grumbled. "Rat monsters can't be half as annoying as Dib!"
"Tastes neat. I wonder how this stuff would taste on spinkboar?" Skoodge took out a purplish substance and threw it in the fondue pot.
"What's spinkboar?" Dib asked.
"Fossilized insect monster," Skoodge shrugged. "It's an Irken delicacy."
"Where did you get that?" Zim asked.
"Oh I swiped some from the Tallest's personal stash a while back," Skoodge shrugged.
BLORP!
"That can't be good," Dib blinked as the fondue began to churn and bubble.
FLOARRRRMMMMMMM!
A huge giant insect like monster covered in cheese emerged from the pot. "Skoodge I'm going to take a guess and say that these things are slightly alive aren't they?" Dib blinked.
"Yeah but they can only be activated when coming in contact with certain bacteria found in cheese," Skoodge blinked.
"Fondue is cheese Skoodge," Zim explained. "An alien type of cheese that has different bacteria than normal Irken cheese."
"Which would cause the spinkboar to mutate as well as revive," Dib blinked.
"Oh that would do it," Skoodge blinked.
"RARRRRRRRR!" The cheese monster roared and shot out a volley of molten cheese from it's mouth, covering all the trees around them in fondue. Then it took a swipe at Skoodge.
"I PROBABLY DESERVE THIS!" Skoodge screamed as he flew miles away into the air.
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Zim and Dib ran for their lives away from the giant fondue monster.
"What the…?" Principal Edgars blinked and looked up. Only to get hit with a giant volley of melted cheese. "FLFORRARRRFFLLL!"
"AAAH! RUN FROM THE CHEESE MONSTER!" The students and teachers ran for their lives as the cheese monster threw up cheese all over the place.
"If we survive we're getting blamed for this aren't we?" Dib moaned as they ran.
"What do you think?" Zim snapped. "CURSE YOU SKOODGE! CURSE…AAAAHHH!" Suddenly a wave of cheese hit them and everyone else in it's gooey path.
"HELP! HELP! CALL THE ARMY! CALL THE NATIONAL GUARD!" Mr. Elliot screamed as he floated around the wave of cheese. "CALL THE NATIONAL DAIRY ASSOCIATION!"
"HEY! CHEESE COVERED CUPCAKES ARE GOOD!" Screamy was heard yelling. "YEOW! BUT THEY'RE HOT! MY TASTE BUDS!"
"I told you so…" Bitters snarled as she watched the insanity from the inside of the skool with the Council of Cloaked Figures.
"Yes, you did…" The Head Cloaked Figure sighed.
"We're not getting our larger Underground Classrooms are we?" A Cloaked Figure moaned.
"With Zim and Dib at this skool, we're lucky to have any classrooms at all!" Bitters yelled.