She wasn't going to cry. Everyone expected her to, and no one would blame her, but she still wouldn't let herself cry. Later, maybe, after everyone had left. But not while they were watching. She'd sooner die.
She flinched inwardly at the phrase but kept her eyes fixed on the casket being lowered into the ground in front of her.
Daddy...
Tears were stinging her eyes, clawing at the back of her throat, but she wouldn't let them fall.
"Daddy! Daddy!"
Kamiya Shigeaki looked up from his paperwork to see his young daughter running towards him, holding a piece of cloth that once might have been white, but now was dusty and stained. And wet.
"Daddy!" the girl wailed. "I can't get it cleaned! I scrub and scrub but it just won't come out!"
Shigeaki was hard-pressed to hide his smile. "Did you try the soap I gave you?"
Kaoru frowned. "Oh. No, I forgot about the soap." She tugged on her father's sleeve. "Can't you do it instead?"
Shigeaki picked the girl up and sat her on his knee, feigning surprise. "I thought you wanted to be all grown up."
"I do! I do! But I don't want do laundry, ever!"
Shigeaki couldn't conceal his smile that time. "Grown up women do laundry, Kaoru-chan. You'll have to learn eventually, or else you'll make a poor sort of wife."
Kaoru frowned. "When I grow up," the young girl declared firmly, "I want a husband who'll do my laundry for me!"
Her father laughed. "You'll have a hard time finding a husband that obliging."
Kaoru tossed her head. "Then I'll never marry. I'll stay at home forever and teach at the dojo."
"What, never marry? Then who will carry on the school after you?"
Kaoru held her head proudly. "I'll never die. I'll live here forever with you, Daddy, so it won't matter that I won't marry."
Her father laughed and laughed, gathering her close. "I almost believe you could do it, my young warrior. I almost believe you could."
I wish I were still that young.
Her eyes were burning. Her hands were clenched tightly in front of her, all the color bled from them. Her kimono was pure white, for mourning. The fabric was cheap, but in good condition...it was all she'd been able to afford.
Money. Money was going to be a problem.
But for later. Not right now. Now all she had to do was stand there, by the grave, in her white kimono with her white hands and her white face, like a ghost.
Kaoru's hands tightened even more.
*thwack*
*thwack*
*THWACK!*
"Good!" Shigeaki stepped back, smiling. "You're learning very quickly, Kaoru-chan. If you keep up at this rate, then you'll be able to join the students in my advanced class."
Kaoru beamed. "I will, Daddy! I'll show all of them!"
"I know you will, my young warrior. And I'll be watching."
One by one, the guests stopped to tell her how much they had honored her father, how sorry they were. She nodded coolly, offering only monosyllabic answers. Her father had been honored, yes...but at the same time frowned upon for leaving his school, his fighting style, in the care of a daughter. A mere woman.
There's no one else. And there's nothing else I want to do.
She bowed her head to yet another acquaintance, her mind far away. Most of them would never approve of her, and she didn't care.
I will protect the school, Daddy. No matter what.
"Ano...excuse me?"
Kaoru looked up, startled to find someone new standing in front of her. "You're...Tae-san, aren't you? From the Akabeko?"
The woman nodded.
Kaoru was perplexed. "Why are you here?"
Tae walked forward, bowing slightly to the grave in front of them. "Your father came to my restaurant often. He was very kind to me. Sometimes, we get rough crowds there...he always made sure nothing got out of hand." She looked somber. "He would never let me repay him."
She turned back to the younger woman. "Kaoru-chan, I'd like to help you, if I may. If there's anything I can do, please just ask."
"Help me?" Kaoru was stunned. "But...why?"
"Your father was a good man," Tae said simply.
"Is that all?"
Tae looked away. "And because...I know something about what it's like to try and make your way in a man's world." The waitress smiled sadly. "When you start out, you think that the difficult thing will be earning their respect. Then you find out that the difficult part is getting them to see you at all. To many men, we're part of the background; we work in silence and ask little for ourselves. We're not expected to have minds of our own, much less ambition."
"It's not always like that!" Kaoru protested, torn between agreement and a desire to not be unjust.
"No, it's not." Tae smiled. "Your father wasn't like that. He talked about you often; he was so proud of you."
A lump appeared in Kaoru's throat. "You think so?" she asked in a small voice.
"I know so," Tae said firmly. "You'll be fine, Kaoru-chan. Things are hard right now, but they'll get better." She squeezed Kaoru's hand. "And if you need someone to lean on, you can just come and see Tae-oneesan!"
Kaoru felt tears forming in her eyes. "I will. Thank you very much...Tae-oneesan."
The older woman smiled brightly and walked away.
Shigeaki turned around as soon as he heard the small shuffle of footsteps behind him. Kaoru stood in the doorway, looking small and sad and beaten, her shinai held loosely in her right hand. The girl drew in a deep breath. "I lost, Daddy."
Shigeaki had already guessed as much, having seen the bruises on his daughter's arms and the tangled state of her hair and clothing. It hurt him to the core to see her, but he was careful to hide it. "Tell me what happened," he asked coolly.
"I...they said I didn't have any business carrying a sword, that I was a girl and should stay in the kitchen where I belonged. So I said that I could beat all of them, at once even. And I fought the biggest one of them and...I lost." Her shoulders slumped; her entire body was sunk into dejection. "They laughed at me. I've let you down. I've let the Kamiya Kasshin Ryu down. I'm not worthy of being your daughter."
Shigeaki knelt on the floor beside her, placing his hands firmly on her shoulders. "Let me tell you a story.
"Years and years ago, when I was still a boy, my father told me something. I was young and headstrong and anxious to prove myself worthy of my sword. I was wanted to show that I was a man." Kaoru looked dubious; her father smiled and placed a hand on her head. "Yes, I know that you're not a boy, my young one, but listen:
"I asked my father to set me a task, so that I could prove myself. He looked at me and said, 'No matter who you are, there's only one way to prove yourself. When trouble comes, face it on your feet.'"
Kaoru's brow furrowed as she tried to understand. Her father turned serious. "Kaoru, it doesn't matter if you're beaten by those boys. No matter what they tell you, no matter how they act, there is no shame in being beaten by someone stronger than you are. The only shame is in not facing them."
"But...I lost!" The unfairness of it still bit at her. "I lost, even though I've been training longer than they have!"
"Daughter, they are older, taller, and stronger than you. But you will not always be small, and you will not always be a child. Most importantly, you did not run away from them, even though you knew this and were afraid. They will not always have the advantage. You will fight them again, and again. And eventually, you will win."
Her face brightened. "You think so?"
He smiled down at her. "I'm certain of it, and I look forward to the day."
But how do I win against this?
Everyone was gone. Kaoru stood alone by her father's grave, her hands shaking violently. Tears started trickling down her face; she made no motion to wipe them away.
I know I promised you that I'd be strong, Daddy. I
know I promised. But, there's so much you haven't taught me.
How to keep accounts straight. How to command authority from
my students. She let out a little sob of a laugh. How
to do laundry. You always did it, after that day.
I could always get married. That's what most girls do.
Then I wouldn't need to worry about such things.
Kaoru snorted inwardly, rejecting the idea immediately. I could never marry unless I found a man who would respect me for who I am--a tomboy and budo master. Who could ever do that? Her face fell. It's hopeless. Absolutely hopeless. Oh, Daddy...I don't know what to do. I don't know how to start.
"Kaoru-chan?" a quiet voice asked.
Kaoru looked up to find a kind face looking at her. For the first time that day, she was glad to see someone. "Genzai-sensei."
The old doctor reached out and took one of her hands. "Kaoru-chan, come and stay with me and my granddaughters for a few days, until things are sorted out. I hate to think of you staying alone, and we'd be happy to have you."
Relief flooded through her. "Oh, thank you, Genzai-sensei. I'd appreciate it very much." Breathing space. That would give her time to think about what to do next. Time to get used to it.
No...never to get used to it. But time to think.
The doctor smiled, and moved as if to lead her out of the graveyard, but Kaoru held back. "Just...let me stay here for just one minute, Genzai-sensei. I have something else to say to him...before I go."
The doctor nodded, squeezing Kaoru's hand once more before turning to walk to the gate.
Kaoru laid a hand on her father's grave.
Father...
She swallowed.
I'll be all right, Daddy. I'm not alone. I have Tae-san
and Genzai-sensei supporting me until I can figure things
out on my own. I will. It might take a while, but I'll
prove to everyone that I'm serious. I'll show them all that
I've got what it takes to be a budo master.
Daddy...I'll always miss you. But I
And whatever happens to me, I promise...I'll face it on
my feet.
She turned and walked to the gate, where her friends were waiting.
Sayonara.
To be honest, I was infuriated by the Departure episode. Well, not the episode itself. But afterwards, when Kaoru is moping in bed...arrrrrrrggghhh!!! So out of character! What happened to the spunky tanuki girl I loved? Where was the Kaoru who bashed people on the head to knock sense into them? Why does love make female anime characters into such twits!?!??!?!!!
Anyway, it annoyed me so much that I figured I'd never be interested in writing from Kaoru's perspective; I felt betrayed by that entire escapade. (okay, so I'm too into this; sue me) But, somebody on the KFFDisc posted a really great early-Kaoru story that I liked a lot (Jan Story, "A Sword is To Protect"-- thank you, Jan!), and all at once I was inspired to do one of my own. If only so that I could redeem Kaoru in my own eyes.
It worked. Yay!
...but I still think that when Kenshin said he was leaving for Kyoto, Kaoru should have just bashed him and said "Baka! Not without me you're not! You've been freeloading at my house for months! I'm not letting you out of my sight until you either marry me or pay up what you owe for room and board!" Which might not have been fair when you think of how much housework Kenshin's been doing...but it sure would've been funny!
I have no recollection of Kaoru's father's name being given anywhere in the manga or anime, so I swiped "Shigeaki" from Serizawa Kamo, on the offchance that maybe it would help encourage him to write more of his fantastic story, "Grief, and Hope." I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
As an end note, I've read in several places (admittedly, the first was in an X-men comic) that white is a color of mourning in Japan, as opposed to the American (European?) tradition of black. If I'm incorrect about this, please let me know.
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