Bloodlust
Everyone has their own demons, mine goes by the name of Insanity. He speaks to me sometimes. Actually, that's a lie- he speaks to me all the time. In times when my head is pounding and my heart is hammering and my vision is lost in a sandstorm of rage, I believe I am him. 'Kill' he chants, 'kill all those fucking bastards' and I do. I do because he is I. I am him. We... we're each other.
For awhile, I thought I was the only one of my kind. 'Special' He told me. Special. Yeah fucking right. He hates the light. We were thrown into a room once. A white light, bright room. He shrieked so fucking loud and I clutched my head in pain, writhing on the floor as his, my howls filled the room.
"Don't touch me" I growled, because these people couldn't understand and I'd kill them, I'd kill-!
His blood got excited after that, 'kill' he'd scream, pushing me and I would, for him. Only for him.
After awhile my stark white clothes are drenched, dripping in the fresh, vividly blood red blood. I'm grinning, he's grinning, we're laughing. There is a sudden prick at my neck and He screams 'Trap!' but suddenly the red fades away, my excitement, my happiness, it fades and fades and drops into the background and his warning shouts get farther and farther away, and suddenly... it's black.
When I wake up, it's eerily quiet. I reach out deep into the recesses of my mind, probing every corner, trying to find Him.
He isn't there.
My eyes widen and I start to scream,"Where are you? Where the fuck are you?"
I'm slashing at my restraints. Trapped. Like he said I would be. There's a loud bang as the door crashes open and the rush of footsteps heading my way, but I can't make out who or what they are, there's blood obscuring my vision, where I clawed at my eyes.
"Stop!" a high pitched voice screams, and something grabs my hands but I break their fucking bones all too easy. Snap. A crack. A high pitched scream, a scream that would make His blood boil. Suddenly my limbs aren't moving, they aren't fucking working and everything's fading, it's fading...
"I'm sorry, I won't hurt you" a whisper. A promise.
"Fuck you" I ground out at whoever it was that decided they could control me. When I found out who they were, I would kill every single fucking one of them.
My eyes feel heavy, my stomach churning acidly and I can still hear the roar of blood in my ears. It doesn't matter though... it all doesn't matter, nothing matters because...
He's back.
'Don't trust her. Don't trust a fucking thing she says' he's telling me, he's warning me. He's the only one, the only one.
"Listen... I know you're scared but please be calm, please. I don't want them to have to sedate you again."
'Do as she says for now. When we find out her weakness, we'll kill her.'
And because I trust Him and love Him I will.
"Are you awake now?"
I glare at her. Does it look like I'm still fucking asleep?
I notice something white on her wrist, a bandage wrapping, she must have been the one I hurt and suddenly that made me feel, a wide grin slowly sets upon my face, I want to finish what I started, I will... soon, very soon.
Her eyes turn nervous, "I-I'll t-take that as a y-yes"
She clears her throat, hesitantly, "Uh-hh, well I guess we should start with introductions, my name is Sakura"
Like I could care less, "What's your name?" she coaxed, the velvety sound of her voice made me want to retch.
After several minutes of trying to get me to talk, like I would ever listen to anyone but Him, she is nearing her limits and He starts to snarl, in anticipation... with absolute glee.
"Look, I don't know who you are but I was assigned to help you so just let me do my goddamn job!"
A low manic laugh fills the room and it takes me a moment to realise that it comes from my mouth.
'Kill her'
I didn't question His change of mind; all I knew was that one moment I was restraining myself but the next I had lunged. I grabbed her neck, feeling her frail pulse beat wildly under my palm, as I slam her into the nearby wall. Outside I hear shouts and the sound of pounding footsteps getting closer.
'The chair!' He shrieks, and with my free hand I grab the chair and shove it under the door handle. There is furious hammering on the other side of the door but I don't care because I'm half-sneering half –smiling and doing all it takes not to rip out her head right now and let the comforting flow of warm red liquid slide down my hands.
"S-Stop" she splutters, and I crush her windpipe harder. That noise. The pathetic soft chime of her voice makes me angrier, makes me want to make sure no one can ever hear it again.
'Wait' He says, just as I am about to execute my promise. 'I have a better game we can play' my grip loosens a bit and I feel her writhing underneath me, gasping for air. I wait patiently...
"Don't... you... remember..." she is saying, in between breaths. A dark shadow is starting to form around her neck where my hand is clamped, the beginnings of a bruise, the mark of punishment.
'That's right' He says, 'we'll fuck her up so bad, she will be insane by the time we're through with her'
I think about this new turn of events. He always told me to kill, and I always did so but this was new, this was unfamiliar but it was... exciting.
"I'm letting you live..." I began, just as the door burst open and the distant shouts became louder.
"Just this once." I whisper lowly, but I'm soon on the ground and the sounds are fading and my vision succumbs to the darkness...
When I awake, there is a stillness that makes me shiver. I'm reaching out for Him but he's drowsy, blocking me out. For a moment I consider going back to the darkness, until He comes back, but there is something soft and warm on my shoulder and I jump, startled.
"Easy. It's just me"
You. That insufferable bitch, I look up to glare at her and notice the new marks around her neck, a swelling of purple and yellow hues, a prominent blue-black bruise in the shape of a hand. I smile, because I'm too tired to do anything more. I just want to go back...
"Is He with you?" she asks softly, just as my eyes become heavy lidded but as soon as the words register they snap back open, alert.
"What?" I growl, baring my teeth. How does she know? She can't know! No one knows! No one but me!
"Him..." she says slowly, "in your head..."
In my head? In my head? I laugh, he's not in my head... he's me.
"You know nothing" I say warningly, knowing I am restrained tightly and it's the best I can do for now, until we can play our game and I can finally kill her.
She lets out a sigh, "Do you remember?"
And because I'm curious and He's quiet, "remember what?"
"Me..." she pauses, "Your mother, your siblings... your past"
I laugh at her and she looks surprised, "You're insane, I don't know who you are and I've never had any of those, only the weak have them. Only the weak."
It's the most I've spoken but somehow I don't feel entirely repulsed, it feels exciting. This must be what He wanted me to do. This new game.
She smiles sadly at me and there is pity in her eyes. It makes me feel disgusting, it's revolting. "Stop" I order sharply, "Stop looking at me like that"
Her face goes immediately blank, "I'm only trying to help you..." she says, looking deeply into my eyes.
'Tell her you're going to kill her' His voice startles me, but I'm glad, I'm so fucking glad. He's back.
"I'm going to kill you" I say calmly, it's only just begun...
I wait. Wait for the fear to lace her eyes, wait for terror to coat her face, anticipating the desired reaction that never came.
Instead, she says, "I know", calmly, without a hint of fear or malice and this angers me, it angers Him as well.
'Let's fuck her over now. Tell her you won't kill her yet.'
"I won't kill you yet"
"I know" she replies again, with mild acceptance in her voice.
'No fun.' He whines, 'Tell her you'll do whatever she says if she releases you'
I look her in the eyes, "I'll do what you want. Just release me"
She eyes my restraints cautiously, then searches my face for hints of deception. "Will you trust me?" she finally asks, "And promise not to be violent or try to kill me"
I stare at her, "The promise is not mine to make"
"I can't do it then" she says, her lips pressing into a tight line
"You know I'm going to kill you eventually"
"Yes" she sighs, frustrated, "But that doesn't mean I would willingly give you the perfect window of opportunity"
'Promise her, for now'
"I won't do anything now, I won't even try. So release me."
She hesitates, "Promise?"
"Yes"
After a moment she sighs "Okay" and she reaches for my restraints and begins to undo them. As soon as I am free, she tenses back and moves further away, there is anticipation in her eyes.
'Ask her what she wants'
"What do you want?"
"E-Excuse me?" she says, confusion showing from my blunt question.
I huff in irritation, "What do you want from me?" I demand, my patience is wearing thin.
"N-Nothing" She replies, "I only want to help you..."
"I don't need your help."
"I..." she begins, "You might not think you need my help, but you do" she says slowly.
I slam my hand against the wall next to her head, "Oh yeah?" I challenge. How dare she? I should just kill her now; rip her insolent throat from her neck.
We stare at each other for a while, neither moving. I feel weird, an electric jolt shooting through my heart and all over my body and down...
"What do you want?" she whispers, softly, in that same velvety voice that makes me sick.
'You'
"You" I say as I close the gap between us.
She always seeks me out. At night especially. He's always excited; his blood boils in a whole new different way when we have her soft womanly body against ours.
'Mine' He shrieks, "Mine" I growl.
She moans in response, "Remember me" she says, in between breaths, "And I will be..."
A day at a time, me, Him, we break her a little. Her soul, her mind, her body, it cowers under our control.
"Do you remember who you are?" she asks, her favourite question.
"It doesn't matter" I say quietly, pulling her close to me. Her warmth is soothing, her smell intoxicating.
"I'll be anything you want me to be."
I don't know who I'm talking to anymore.
"Violence is the only thing you know" she says again, always lambasting me for my power.
I slam her against the bed, my heavy weight crushing her fragile bones.
"You weren't always this way" she says, and I crush my mouth to hers just to make her fucking shut up. Her voice soothes my rage; I don't want it to go. I need it. It fuels my anger, my hatred, everything that I am.
When she needs to breathe, she grounds out "Remember"
"Shut up!" I scream enraged, but suddenly my eyes go white and I'm seeing white and there are pictures and images and people. Noises and sounds and cries and...
"Shut up! Shut the fuck up!" I shout, gripping my pounding head. I feel myself hitting her in my daze but I can't stop, I can't...
"You will remember..." she says quietly, when we're lying down in the dark.
'Kill her now' He screams. I reach out towards her windpipe and clamp my hands against it. She writhes at first, "W-what are you doing?" she says, startled but when I don't reply I feel her relax, go limp. Like a sacrifice, she stills and if I could see through the shadows that graced the walls I would see her smile in acceptance. A fucking unresisting victim is not a victim at all.
'A little while longer... and we'll be together again, alone. Just you and I'
A little while longer... a little while...
No...
I release my grip on her neck, rolling over to the other side. "Say that one more time and I'll kill you"
'What?' I hear the enraged howl of Him, and instantly I feel like clamping my hand around her neck and finishing what I started.
No. No! I force down the bloodlust, willing the pounding in my ears and the rage of my blood to cease.
I hear her struggling to breathe, then a soft sigh as her breathing steadies.
"Thank you" she finally says, in a strangled whisper. If my hearing wasn't so sharp, I would never have heard her.
"It'll take me a miracle to get you to remember, won't it?"
Like a trigger, it set off sparks behind my eyes. My body starts to convulse and I shake as my pupils roll backwards. He's screaming in pain and terror and I panic. He's never been like this, never.
I feel myself let go as the tremors intensify and as soon as the darkness consumes me, there is a blinding white light.
Suddenly I'm drifting, and He's nowhere to be found. It's all stark white now, and my feet are touching air. Even so, I feel lost and powerless and so fucking scared. I take a step in one direction, and another and another until I'm running so fast it feels like I could explode.
"Where are you?" I scream in a panic, "Where are you!"
There is no reply. There is no sound. It's empty...
I crouch over , my shaking hands wrapped around my knees as I rock back and forth, back and forth, willing, praying, that He will come back and save me.
Slowly I start to hear noises, faint sounds of crying babies, of hushed words, of rushing footsteps and wheels and the tap, tap, tap of a pen.
I open my eyes and I'm in a hospital... I scream.
But no one turns my way. No one looks at me and everything continues. I stop howling long enough to see a small boy with dark, dark eyes and bright, bright hair sitting in the darkest corner of the room.
A woman with kind eyes approaches him, her grey hair held tightly in a bun. "Hello little one" she says soothingly, her voice a soft lull.
The little boy looks up at her, "Where's mommy?"
Her face saddens briefly, before she places a comforting hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry sweetheart..." she begins.
Another flash takes me to a different time. I can feel rain beating down on me like stones, the wetness seeping through my clothing.
Around me people are quiet, their sombre faces washed out by the black clothing. As I glance around I notice a familiar figure, he stands tall though there are weary lines on his face that make him look older, his expression is blank.
The faint mumbling I heard in the background has stopped and as my eyes look around I see the boy again. That small boy who looks swallowed up in black, his eyes darker than before.
"The greatest gift God could ever give one of his children is death"
I watch as a coffin is lowered, and in that moment the man turns his eyes on the boy and they harden. The hatred and rage, disappointment and disgust are all pinned on the small boy and yet he doesn't waver.
I'm enraptured by the exchange that I hardly notice a flash of pink in the corner of my eye.
I stare until everything fades to black.
Long after I wake up, I realise that little boy was me.
"Why!" I growl at her, pushing her against the wall, "Why?"
Blood trickles out of her mouth and down her chin, dripping onto my hands.
She smiles at me, that angel smile that I wish I would never see again.
"B-Because...Gaara...I was there... too... I..." she croaks out, but then the light in her eyes starts to die.
"-lo...ved..." suddenly her body is limp against mine, her warm breath no longer touches my skin and the once steady faint pulse of her heart is as silent as the voice in my head.
He's gone. She's gone... where have they gone? Where?
I want to go to them. I'm all alone now, and the memories are all that floods my empty head. I see her, my pallid mother lying on her death bed. My brother and sister beaten and dead. The hate-filled stare of my father as the redred blood pools around his dying form. The white, white, rooms where men and women dressed in white sit around, rocking to themselves, talking to themselves. Her face. His voice.
I want to go to them...
I grab a knife.
I will.
Review please! :) I don't know how to feel about this.