Disclaimers: No infringements of anyone's copyrights are intended. This is a parody speculated for fun. It is still covered under my first amendment rights. I mean no disgrace to anything and anyone, this is all in fun! yada yada

GENERAL WARNING: I reserve the right to include anything I want into my writing, including but not limited to: violence, really gory sick violence, SEX, blood, rock and roll, love between any and all genders, bitching, SEX, male rape (no female, I'm not sick ;P), bloody messy entrail violence, blasphemy, stereotypes, caustic remarks, SEX, dismemberment, satire and ridicule of anything and everything, even and especially that which is undeserving, and SEX. And SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX,!!!!!!! If you ignore this and are offended I will laugh in your face! HA HA HA!

Additional disclaimers: I am also not required to include any of the above elements, for those of you who are shame-challenged. We all have decent days, even yours truly.

I wanted to start posting some fics, but I was afraid to start with something serious. And there haven't been any sillies in a while….

Comments: Be gentle, its my first time ;P.

Lestan Powers: International Vamp of Mystery

By Jaded Scorpio

Characters:

Lestan 'Brat' Powers-----Lestat/Austin

Mr. Kinsey-----Louis/Ms. Vanessa Kensington

David Talbot-----David/Basil

Dr. Evil----Armand

Daniel----Daniel/Scott Evil

Frauliene Chaud—Jesse/Frau...uh, that German woman

Red Painter----Marius

Alotta Crepe—Sybelle

            After his arch enemy, Dr. Evil, froze himself emotionally and physically in the 20's, our hero, Lestan Powers went underground to await his return. Now, after the passing of the sixties, seventies, the eighties, and nineties (which was a damned good decade), Dr. Evil has returned to menace free love, Hair bands, and general fun stuff.

            We join David Talbot, and his agents, at the site of Lestan's internment. "Lestan Powers! You are needed! Dr. Evil has returned, and you are the only one who can stop him!"

            They stare at the hole. "Nothing's happening."

            "Yell louder."

            "LESTAN POWERS! HELP! POUVEZ-VOUS M'AIDER?!"

            "Nothing's moving."

            "Wait! That dirt clod there moved!"

            "You touched it with your foot."

            "Did not!"

            "Oh, yes you did, Aaron."

            David sighed. "Oh, bullocks. Get the bloody shovels."

**FOUR HOURS LATER**

            Lestan wakes up and brushes himself off. "Oh, 'ello love, I'm Lestan Powers, International Vamp of Mystery. You know you remind me of a friend I used to have."

            "Lestan—"

            "Course he was much younger. You're not bad for an old guy."

            "Lestan! It is me! I'm David Talbot!"

            "Shouldn't you be dead by now?"

            "That's another story."

            "Christ, you're bloody old. I don't think I can be attracted to you anymore…"

            "Lestan! Dr. Evil is threatening to blow up New Orleans if his demands for a hundred billion dollars aren't met! You must save us!"

            "I thought you lived in England."

            David smacks himself. "That's only the first city on the list."

            "Only a hundred billion? Why didn't he ask for more, like a million dollars?"

            "Oh, Lestan it is more!"

            "I know, that's why I said so."

            "No, no a hundred billion is much more than a million."

            "Why didn't you say so? Well then, I had better get cleaned up."

            "I'll brief you in the car."

            "I already told you David, you're too old."

            "You were attracted to me when you first opened your eyes."

            "I haven't had any in seventy years man!"

            "Really, that was seventy years?" Everyone starts counting on their fingers.

            "Close enough!" Lestan snarled at them.

He leers at David. "Do I make you horny, baby? Do I? Do I get you randy?"

            "I just want to be friends Lestan."

            "Sure, baby."

DR. EVIL'S SECRET VOLCANO BASE

            Dr. Evil rubbed his bald head. "It's all an unanticipated part of the unfreezing process," blubbered the scientist.

            "Silence Santiago! What you did to my gorgeous auburn locks is inconsequential. But look what you did to Mr. Laurent! He's bald!"

            "It wasn't designed for cats---" Dr. Evil grabs him and drains him, and then tosses him into the volcano. The remaining henchmen watch as he is incinerated.

            "Hmmm, dinner and a show," Dr. Evil cackles.

            "Some of you I know, some of you I don't, and some of you I…I… Well, introduce yourselves."

            "You know me, Doktor. I am Frauliene Chaud."

            "A misnomer if I ever heard one."

            "I am the Red Painter! I always wear red, and I always paint my victim's death on the wall, in red---BLOOD! MWAH HAH HAH!"

            "Riiiiight."

            "Oh, Doktor, there is someone I must introduce you to. Remember that blood you left, if you didn't return, we were to create an evil fledgling? Well, we got bored one day, and well…DANIEL!"

            A slightly drunk young man totters in.

            "My-my son?" They nod vigorously.

            "Daniel? I'm your Father. Come here boy."

            "I've never seen you in my life. What, now you expect to just walk into my life and everything will be okay? I hate you!"

            "How 'bout a hug son?"

            "Get away from me, you freak! I look older than you!"

            "Come here Danny boy."

            "No way!" he bolts, and Dr. Evil runs after him, chasing him all through the secret volcano base.

MOTHERHOUSE

            Our hero has outfitted himself in a smashing blue suit of crushed velvet, ankle boots, and a ruffle-collared poet's shirt. He has also donned his trademark male symbol necklace, complete with an additional male symbol and female hanging from it, for "Lestan Powers does not discriminate!"

            David strode in. "Good news Lestan. Your faithful canine sidekick will soon be out of cryo."

            "Smashing, baby. Once Lestan Powers gets his Mojo going, there's no stopping him."

            "Right now I need you to go to the Psychedelic Pussycat. Dr. Evil's operatives often meet there. We need you to discover the location of his secret base. The Pussycat has a Sixties theme, so you'll, uh, fit right in."

            "Groovy, baby. I've been studying what I've missed, and the sixties are as far as I've gotten."

            "Um, well, off you go. You may take the Jaguar."

            "It's the Shaguar, David. Get it right man, you don't want to sound like an idiot."

PSYCHEDELIC PUSSYCAT

            "What a groovy pad! Oh, hello." He smiled to the dancers. "And hello."

            A waitress approached. "Here's your drink sir."

            "I didn't order any—".

            "It's from that woman over there."

            "Oh." He spins around to see a brunette wave and giggle. "Oh, well, hell-O."

            He takes her hand and kisses it. "Lestan Powers, International Vamp of Mystery. And you are?"

            "Sherman. Williams," she smiled.

            "So what can I do for you Ms. Williams? Oh, I know!" He pulls off her wig. "It's a bloody man!" The crowd stares.

            "Sherman's a transvestite. Everyone knows that."

            "But he's a man! Dressed as a woman!"

            A shot rings out. Lestan whirls to see Williams with a knife posed to strike. Then he collapses to the ground.

            "What the--?" In the shadows by the door, he spots a cat-like figure in a black vinyl jumpsuit holding a berretta. The slender man tossed his black mane out of his eyes and laughed softly.

            "Mr. Kinsey! What are you doing here?"

            "I'm trying to find out the location of Dr. Evil's secret base. New Orleans is my town too. And you looked like you could use a hand."

            "Gun!" Lestan shouted, and pushed him out the door. Mr. Kinsey landed on his stomach as the first shot rang out, and Lestan fell on top of him.

            "You can get off me now, they have stopped shooting."

            "This brings back memories, doesn't it Mr. Kinsey?"

            "Not now Lestan."

            A van rounds the corner, and accelerated. "To the Shaguar!"

            Mr. Kinsey caught up a knapsack and swung in. "Judo flip!" Lestan yelled and vaulted into the driver's seat.

            The van was almost on top of them. A white-faced man leaned out and began shooting. "Damnit, haven't they ever heard make love, not war?" Lestan careened around a corner. The van followed, smashing into a Dodge pacer, sending it into a wall.

            "It's a war machine!" Mr. Kinsey gasped. He fumbled in his knapsack.

            "Oh, look, they brought the calvary." Another car joined the pursuit.

            "I'll take care of them." Mr. Kinsey stood up, his magnificent mane whipping around his blazing eyes. He hefted a monstrous device.

            "What in blazes is that?"

            "A flame thrower."

            The blast knocked the van completely over backwards before it was engulfed in flames. He chuckled softly and slipped back down into the seat.

"Now how are we going to question them? Little practicalities, Mr. Kinsey."

            "Oh, sorry. We still have that other car."

            "Right. And they're closing in."

            "They're right behind us. Give them a brake job."

            "Mr. Kinsey! That's hardly appropriate at the moment!"

            "I mean—oh, just---can't you fly?"

            "Smashing plan, baby! Take the wheel!" Lestan takes to the air, and lands behind the other driver. Grabbing him by the throat, "Judo chop!" and knocked out his accomplice.

            The two cars pulled over. Lestan dragged out the driver. Mr. Kinsey approached slowly, in that loose, seductive walk of his. Lestan had to pick up his tongue to address the situation in hand. *ahem* "Who are you working for?"

            "Shouldn't that be whom?"

            "I'll never talk!"

"Who are you working for?"

"You can torture me all you like, I'll never talk!" Mr. Kinsey licked his lips.

"Who are you working for?"

"Aaargh! Dr. Evil! I was sent to kill you!"

"Come to think of it, Mr. Kinsey, who do you work for? You've never said."

Kinsey smiled at him through hooded eyes. "Does it matter?" he purred.

Lestan turned back to the vampire he held by the collar. "Where is Dr. Evil's secret lair?"

"I don't know!"

"Where is Dr. Evil's secret lair?"

"I'll never say!"

"Oh, Lestan." Kinsey sighed, and sank his fangs into the prisoner. A few minutes later, he straightened, licking the blood off his lips. "I know where it is. It's in a volcano, on an island. What? Why are you staring?"

"Haven't you ever learned to share?"

"Mmm, here..." he pulled Lestan close and drove his tongue into his mouth. When Lestan had licked the inside of his mouth clean, he pulled away, and they walked back to the car.

"What about him?" Mr. Kinsey gestured to the vampire on the ground.

"Oh, I expect the sun will be up soon. Let's report back to the Motherhouse."