this is no broken heart
Music is what brought them together, and it is what tears them apart. It pulls at their strings first…with a grip that is too loose to make a difference.
They still laugh and dance with each other…and sing. They always sing.
Everything is right then—in that moment on stage with ears intent and eyes watching. This is where they should be, where they were meant to be. The strings are not pulled, are not loosened, they are content and fooled into believing that this is constant.
But things are never constant, and still-standing situations and feelings are a fallacy of a young mind.
-x-
Rachel realizes it when her smile falters on a stage too small for her. It is claustrophobic here—the stage is small scaled and there are too many people here to share the spotlight with. She doesn't have room to spread her arms and sing with the warmth of a spotlight on her face.
It is too small—too amateur and too high school. She belonged to a stage where all she can hear is the dying notes of her own voice, and not the ringing of others. She belonged on a stage that stretched out with a band and sets behind her as she belted out notes no one else can reach with ease as she did and a light that never moved from her figure…not this.
But there is nothing on the stage that bothers her more than the audience.
She deserved an audience of critics and people that meant something.
Not a stage with an audience of people where no one has made their mark, where no one is a name, and where no one has been places that she's dreamed of since a little girl.
This isn't Rachel Berry. It isn't the Rachel Berry with the gold stars and the ambition she did years ago. And this Rachel Berry didn't feel the ache in her heart anymore, the one that told her that Lima, Ohio, is too small for her. That she belonged on stage and at New York.
This was a Rachel Berry that wasn't selfish—one that learned to share, one that learned to love someone not talented as she. One that compromised, one that disgusted her.
She is Rachel Berry.
Rachel Berry.
And this is an insult to her name.
-x-
For Mike, it is different. It is when all he does more and more is move on a stage where the spotlight is on the singers. He knows his talent is appreciated, but it is not the focus—dancing is not the focus, but it is his focus. He knows he is just filler for the group to reach the mandatory 12, and his dancing was just a bonus.
So on stage, when his body moves in ways people could only dream of, when his body moves in ways only years of experience could give him, and when he realizes the eyes are on Rachel and Santana and Finn and Puck and singers better than he is, he feels the ache and the tug that tells him he belongs elsewhere. Somewhere his talent is the focus, where he can learn to be a better dancer. Not some place where he waits his turn—but where dancing is all they do.
-x-
Mercedes is bigger than what life can handle. It is no surprise: Her voice sings to the angels and thanks God for the gifts given to her.
But Mercedes also knows that what one gets, one should share. And yes, she thinks to herself, singing in a show choir is giving back, but it is not what she wants—she wants to hit something deeper, something purer.
She wants to share her talent with others who need it, ones who listen to believe in something more than she is. Not a crowd who's too picky, one who can criticize in a second, one too judgmental, one that doesn't recognize talent because someone else is richer, and not one that can't understand the simple joys in life and the beauty of what it means to sing just because.
The crowd in front of her now…it is a crowd that doesn't understand pure talent and judges her for things she can't control.
It is no surprise then, when the string tugs her elsewhere.
-x-
For Kurt and Blaine, it really is no different. They are what they are: Performers.
They just want a stage.
-x-
Tina is a rebel. She is a girl that demands something more than an acknowledgement. Demands the attention to the fact that she is breaking the mold—she is no Asian girl that loves science and dreams of going to Harvard.
She lives in Lima, Ohio, and she loves to sing. She lives in Lima, Ohio, and she dresses Goth because she hates stereotypes. She lives in Lima, Ohio, and she too dreams of being a star.
She lives in Lima, Ohio, and she needs to get out of here.
She is no Lima loser, and she is a no name.
And if getting out of here means a scholarship to Occidental College in Los Angeles with a future that doesn't shine too light and a song that stays strong to her ears, then yeah, maybe it's not that bad.
And then, she is tugged to the edge of the nation, where she knows that she can only go forward if she takes steps forward, and not keeping her feet planted on a high school stage that will take her nowhere.
-x-
Puck is changing; he feels it in the veins that run under his skin and how he walks by nerds and geeks without a need to throw them somewhere because of his hate for them—where their brains will get them out of here while he has nothing but a voice that'll sing while being surrounded by singers with better voices. He feels it in his heart when he realizes that he loves Zizes in a way he didn't love Quinn or Santana.
It's a nice change, he thinks when he looks out to the sky with stars that shifted from there they were thousands of years ago.
And he can be a good person, he knows.
-x-
Finn is what Lima is—a town of people that stay a loser for life, a town of people with dreams who never did anything to get them.
And yes, Finn has learned many things from Glee, but it's like his mind is a sponge…it'll soak up information and lessons well, but once someone—anyone—punches him hard enough, throws words of insult at him long enough, the information is squeezed out. A flaw he never fixed and a flaw he never noticed.
Finn is what this town is.
The string on his heart is never tugged.
He could have been more, but he lacks the spark of Rachel and her determination, too. He lacks the brain of others and the ambition of Rachel. Rachel. It's always Rachel. She is going to be a star, he knows, but he can't follow her with talent like his that lacked a fire in his eyes. And Rachel's was a burning flame of stars.
And sometimes, he thinks about this when he is the only one left from the Glee club in Lima.
I learned to be a man, but I never learned to be star.
-x-
Quinn is a cheerleader. Blonde, athletic, and tall are words that describe her to the bone.
But she is a smart cheerleader.
And not only a smart cheerleader, but a smart cheerleader that sings. She heads off to Europe, where she can study and sing.
And the rest are just details.
-x-
Brittany and Santana's strings were tied together—where one was tugged, so was the other, and it was this mutual need for each other and the knowledge that this town is a stepping stone for them that made it all work.
When they leave, it is not as saddening for them as it is for others. For them, they are together, and no matter how much they love the Glee club, they love each other more.
Santana hated the whispers and the thoughts that went through people's mind—the condescension that was directed toward her by teachers when they thought she'd end up in an alleyway dead because of drugs, sex, money. Something as stupid as they are.
She isn't a Lima loser.
She isn't.
Because her dad's a doctor and she's always liked science and math more than she'd like to admit and being a part of the Bully Whips helped her more than she'd ever know, she decides to be a doctor, too. Not only to prove everyone wrong—not Brittany though; Brittany always knew she would be more than what they were supposed to be—but to help people, because yes, Santana has a heart, but it's a heart she's only shown Brittany so far.
But she also revels in the rush of adrenaline on stage, where it's like it's only her and Brittany, and the rest of the world can piss off. It's something she can't ignore, so she does the next best thing.
At graduation, when her hand is holding Brittany's and Brittany's is holding hers, she promises Brittany that she'll always sing to her, whenever and wherever, and maybe even sing along to the jams she and her colleagues will definitely be playing when she operates as a surgeon.
And Brittany, she just kisses her, and pulls back to whisper to Santana.
And you'll dance with me?
Santana's smile is even wider then—of course.
Good, Brittany simpers, because there's a dance studio near UCLA; I'll be working there and I'll ready to drag you down there with me every day.
But it is even before this conversation that they feel the pull of their hearts.
It is at school, with blooding pounding in their ears and cold ice from a slushi sliding down their backs, when they look at each other, and Santana and Brittany both know that they are getting out of here.
And fame isn't all that important to them anyway.
Each other is.
-x-
Years past, people get older, and they had to grow up. People don't stay forever, and the grip that pulls at each of their strings tightens, tugs at them at different corners of the earth, and they feel it. It wasn't time to stay with their friends. It was a time of life and careers and music.
And music is different for them—for Rachel, it is where New York and the stage and the spotlight is; for Mike, dance is his music and music is at the dance studio; for Mercedes, it is at community churches; Kurt and Blaine, the theater; Tina, college and a future that sings to her; Puck, a cop that brings his guitar to the station; Finn to grow old and comfortable in Lima; Quinn's is a university in Europe that specializes in the arts; for Brittany and Santana, it is more than one thing. It is together, and when they're apart, their string tugs them together, and when they're together, it's Santana a doctor that sings to Brittany whenever she asks her to and it's Brittany that kisses Santana whenever she wants and whispers promises to Santana that she always keeps and dances.
When they all leave, hats strewn out somewhere in the football field with a gown that tells the world to prepare for them, it's not too much of a surprise then.
Their graduation is filled with promises to keep in touch, hugs given out, eyes reddening, and each with a tug to their hearts for where they should be.
-x-
A/N: Glee isn't mine, yada yada. And apologies for the characterization of some of the characters. Glee isn't too known for giving all of their characters depth and I've missed some episodes this season, so I did my best.
Andddd I know I left out Artie. Probably more, but I wrote this at 2 am and don't really feel like writing right now.