Why, a glee fanfic | FanFiction

I've recently fallen in love with Rascal Flatts, which is extremely odd as I hate country music... But Rascal Flatts have just the best songs, and when I heard Why it really hit me hard, because at one point in life I wanted to end my life but I didn't because I realised I still had things to do, and at least some people that cared about me... So this song is one of my favourites, and I have been wanting to write this songfic for literally ages.

Nick and Jeff friendship, character death, some mentions of abuse, self-harm, possible triggers?

I don't own Why, it's by the amazing Rascal Flatts. Nor do I own Glee, any characters from said show, Batman, Spiderman, Indiana Jones, or anything else that you may recognise :)

He hadn't been able to stop crying since it had happened. He kept telling himself that there was nothing he could do or have done. He couldn't change the past. He kept telling himself that he had to stop crying and get over it. What's done was done and couldn't be changed. But somehow, he couldn't quite bring himself to believe it. He couldn't believe that he was gone. And he couldn't believe that there was nothing he could have done to save him. There had to have been something. They were best friends, for crying out loud. He should have known.

But he hadn't known, hadn't done anything. And so he couldn't stop crying because it was all his fault.

Monday 3rd

"Hey," Nick grinned as he ran up to his best friend "Have fun on the weekend?"

He skidded to a stop when he saw the look Jeff gave him. It was cold and removed, like he really wanted to be anywhere but here at that moment. But it was gone in a split second, and the usual jovial, happy Jeff returned with a smile – but one that didn't quite reach his eyes.

"Yeah. Hung out with my dad."

That surprised Nick. Jeff and his father had never gotten along well, not since Jeff had revealed to his parents that he was gay. Once it was out in the open, Jeff's father had been more reserved around his son, only speaking to him when it was necessary. Nick wondered if the man was finally coming around to the idea of having a gay son. He smiled tentatively, not sure if it was the right thing to do.

"Sounds great! Hey, Wes added some extra practice so we're ready in time for Sectionals. It's on right after school today."

Jeff nodded as the pair walked down the corridor. Nick caught the strange look in his eyes, but decided to say nothing. He'd noticed Jeff had been acting strange for the past week or so, and if he was upset, Jeff would eventually tell him all about it – that was just what they did. If one was upset, it didn't take long for them to spill it to the other. And usually they could fix it together, or if not, they could weather the problem and come out of it okay. That was what best friends did.

"You going to try out for a solo?" Nick smirked, knowing it was pointless asking. Jeff wouldn't give up until he'd been given a solo. But he was shocked when the blonde shook his head.

"No. There's no point. It'll just go to Blaine."

Nick frowned, "But it doesn't mean you shouldn't try."

"I don't really see the point."

Nick decided to shut up about that point. If Jeff didn't want it pushed, then he wouldn't push it. Jeff would tell him. Eventually.

Thursday 6th

When Jeff didn't tell him about what was upsetting him by Thursday, Nick began to wonder if everything really was okay with Jeff. His friend hadn't changed from his mood on Monday, and if anything, seemed to get worse. Not being a boarder meant that while Nick stayed on at the school after classes, Jeff went home every night. And when he returned he would appear more and more upset and angry. Nick tried everything to get Jeff to tell him what was going on, but all he got was an even angrier Jeff who refused to speak to him. And then came the final blow.

"Jeff, what the hell is going on?" Nick yelled, exasperated "You're ignoring me, getting upset and angry, and you're not you!"

Jeff rounded on him, the other students in the crowded hall turning to witness the fight. The blonde glared angrily, the glint of embarrassment in his eyes that his
best friend was doing something so public about something that was obviously private.

"I don't have to explain myself to you!" he shot back.

Nick gritted his teeth, "Is something wrong?"

"No! So just leave me alone!"

Jeff turned to walk away, but Nick grabbed his shoulder and stopped him. He spun Jeff to face him, shaking his shoulders desperately to get him to understand that even if he was hurting, he was hurting his best friend too.

"Please Jeff. I want to help you. Just tell me what's going on," he asked quietly, his worry evident in his tone.

Jeff's reaction surprised him. The blonde growled and flung out his arm, shoving Nick away violently. As Nick stumbled back into the waiting arms of the crowd, Jeff glared at him.

"I don't need your help!" he shouted "Why can't you just let this go?"

Before Nick could shout back because I'm your best friend! Jeff turned and stormed away. The crowd of students parted for him as he walked off, closing again behind him. Some of the boys helped Nick to stabilise himself, while the brunette was too busy worrying about his friend to really notice. Since when was Jeff so violent and angry? Why wouldn't he just tell him what was going on? Nick sighed. This was getting hard and he didn't know how to deal with it.

Tuesday 11th

It was on Tuesday the next week that Nick noticed the bruises and the marks.

It was one of the hotter days of the year, and most of the boys in the school had discarded their blazers to combat the intense heat. One of the few exceptions however, was Jeff. The blonde refused to shed his blazer, despite the fact it was obvious he was overheating. In the end, after many failed attempts to persuade him to take it off, Nick resorted to stealth tactics.

They were walking through one of Daltons gardens towards the largest tree in the school grounds. They knew most of the boys would be there, sheltering in the shade of the leaves, but there was still the opportunity for cooling down. Nick glanced over at his best friend, seeing his red face and sweaty skin. He sighed and quickly, so Jeff couldn't fight back, grabbed the blonde's blazer and ripped it off.

As the blazer was pulled off, Jeff whipped around and grabbed it, yelling wordlessly in anger. Nick simply laughed as if it were all a joke – after all, that's what it was, and it was for Jeff's own good; they didn't want him passing out from heatstroke or something – but when he caught sight of Jeff's arms, he paused.

They were covered by the thin sleeves of the white shirt he wore, but underneath, soaked in sweat as they were, Nick could see the discolouration of bruises dotting his upper arms. And on his forearms, Nick could only stare as he noticed the thin lines that stood raised against the skin. Jeff tore his blazer from his friend's hands and quickly put it back on. When they locked eyes, Nick saw the panic in his gaze as he tried to hide his fear at being discovered.

"Jeff…"

He never got to say anymore. Jeff shook his head and ran, disappearing quickly down the path. Nick was left standing in the sunlit garden, staring in shock and wondering just what the hell was going on.

Friday 14th

Nick searched for Jeff all the rest of that week, but never found him. In the classes they shared he was missing. Nick assumed he was staying at home. He hoped. He wished. Because if it was something else, he knew he wouldn't be able to cope.

Monday 17th

When Nick made his way downstairs from his dorm, he saw Jeff walking to his first class. He was rooted to the spot for a moment – he looked so normal, as if there was nothing wrong. He was even laughing and joking with David beside him. Nick ran up to the pair, confused at the sudden change.

"Jeff!"

The two Warblers turned to him and Nick skidded to a halt when he saw the genuine smile on Jeff's face. What had happened over the past few days to elicit such a change? Nick frowned, utterly confused.

"Hey Nick," Jeff smiled "Sorry I wasn't here last week. I felt sick."

"But…the…"

Jeff interrupted him quickly, "It was nothing. I overreacted because I knew you'd have that reaction. It was just my dog – he keeps jumping up at me."
Nick stared. He could take that at face value – and it seemed genuine. Jeff didn't look like he was lying. Either he wasn't, or he was getting a lot better at it. If he listened hard enough though, he could hear the strain in Jeff's voice, the way he had to force the words out. He wasn't stupid. He knew something was wrong with Jeff. Very wrong. But Jeff was apparently okay. It all whirled around in Nick's head, confusing him further.

"Yeah…" he mumbled, not believing it. But Jeff seemed satisfied by that and nodded.

"Cool. Hey, can I borrow those notes for Maths? We've got that test tomorrow, don't we?"

Wednesday 19th

Nick was lying back on his bed, his iPod turned up loud as he worked on his History assignment. His roommate, who unluckily for him happened to be none other than Wesley Montgomery, was studying in David's room and so he was had the dorm to himself. But not for long. He faintly heard the knocking at the door over his music, so he turned it down and went to answer. He was surprised to find Jeff standing there. He should have gone home by now – it was getting late.

"Hi Nick," Jeff chirped, a little too happy for Nick's liking.

"Hi," Nick replied more cautiously, noticing the box in his friend's hands "What's that?"

"Oh, it's your stuff. It's been lying in my room for ages and I figured you'd want it back."

Nick stared at the box that was shoved into his hands before looking up at Jeff. They both had tonnes of their things at each other's places – Nick's room may as well be Jeff's for all the things in it that didn't actually belong to him. They'd simply accepted it as a best friends fact, plus it always made things easier if someone forgot to bring something; chances were there was already one in the house. Why was Jeff suddenly giving it all back to him? None of this was making any sense to Nick, but before he could ask Jeff anything, the blonde had turned away and disappeared down the hall.

"Jeff!"

But he was gone.

Nick shut the door and put the box carefully down on the bed. Opening it, he was surprised at what he found. Some of the objects were things he thought he'd lost a long time ago. Others were things he'd purposely left there, like the DVDs they both liked (considering they spent more time at Jeff's place, it was easier to leave them there). He pulled out Batman, Indiana Jones, Spiderman. But those weren't what surprised him. It was the other objects that lay in the box.

Most, if not all, of the presents he had given his friend.

There were the Stephen King books he'd bought Jeff when they were in their shared phase of loving horror and thriller. All six seasons of Supernatural, the show they'd laughed and cried at together. The show that had originally brought them together as friends in the first place, when Jeff had come up to Nick in fifth grade art class and showed him the picture of the wendigo he'd drawn. Nick pulled out the frame from the bottom of the box, placed carefully so as not to break. The frame held the autographed photo of Jack Nicholson that he'd managed to get after weeks and weeks of endless searching – Jeff's favourite Joker. When Nick had given him the picture for Jeff's seventeenth birthday three months ago, the blonde had been ecstatic. It made no sense that he was giving it back.

Nick put the photo down again. What was going on?

Thursday 20th

God how he hated that day.

He knocked quietly on the door, jumping when it was opened a few moments later. He looked up to see Jeff's older sister standing there, looking bored with one hand on her hip.

"Hi Nick," she sighed "Jeff's in his room. Make yourself at home."

Sophie rolled her eyes and walked away, letting Nick walk in and shut the door behind him. As the twenty-something year old wandered off back to whatever she'd been doing – watching TV, it seemed – Nick decided to go find his friend. He walked towards Jeff's room, knocking on the door lightly. He knew how much Jeff hated to be disturbed by people walking in unannounced – he'd been on the receiving end of the pillow thrown at said intruder enough times to learn.

"Hey Jeff," he said, pushing the door open "Just wanted to come over and see if everything was okay…"

He trailed off when he walked into the room. Stopping dead in his tracks, Nick could only stare at the scene that wouldn't have looked out of place in a horror movie.

Jeff was lying on his back on his bed, eyes wide and staring at the ceiling. Across his chest lay on arm, the handle of the knife held loosely in his limp fingers. His other arm was stretched out across the sheets, staining them a dark red with the blood that was still pumping from the slit across his wrist.

"Jeff!"

Nick ran to his friend, shaking him. Jeff didn't respond; he simply sagged lifelessly in Nick's grip. The brunette climbed onto the bed, grabbing Jeff's wrist and trying his hardest to stop the bleeding. Maybe he could still save him...

At that moment Sophie ran into the room to see what all the fuss was about. She let loose a shot, sharp scream of shock when she saw Nick trying to revive her little brother. While Nick shook Jeff and pleaded with him under his breath for him to goddammit just wake up already, Sophie stood frozen in the doorway.

"Call and ambulance or something!" Nick yelled at her, running purely on adrenaline. He could feel the blood flow from Jeff's wrist beginning to slow and he knew that couldn't be a good sign.

"Come on Jeff, you can't die. You can't die."

Later

Nick wasn't sure how it happened, but he found himself sitting in the hospital waiting room, sobbing his heart out, with Blaine beside him trying to comfort him through his own shock – Blaine being the only person he could get a hold of. Sophie was there too, quietly crying to herself. Nick barely noticed when Jeff's parents rushed into the waiting room.

"Where is he?"

"Is he okay?"

"Sophie?"

The girl tried to answer them, but could only collapse against her mother and cry. The woman did her best to comfort her daughter, rubbing his back and whispering to her that everything was going to be fine, Jeff was going to be okay, it wasn't her fault. Beside her, her husband stood impassively, almost as if he were a stone statue and felt nothing. Nick barely had the capacity to wonder if he was in shock or just really didn't care.

"Is the family of Jeff Sterling here?" the unnecessary question floated through the room, and Nick's head shot up faster than the speed of light. A doctor had just entered, an older man in his fifties with greying hair and round glasses. Jeff's family turned to him, desperate hope shining in the eyes of his mother and sister. His father watched on, blank. Nick suddenly felt like he was floating, out of control, unable to feel – he grabbed Blaine's hand to keep himself grounded.

Jeff.

The doctor shook his head, and Nick's world crumbled around him.

"I'm sorry, but your son didn't make it. He was dead on arrival."

Saturday 29th

Nick was numb.

He'd managed to stop crying for more than ten minutes, and he wondered if he was beginning to get over it. But then he knew he'd never get over it. Because Jeff was – had been – his best friend and nothing would ever change that. Nothing would ever be able to take away the pain, the guilt, the anger and the hopelessness.

It turned out that Jeff's father had been more angered by his son's homosexuality than he'd let on. One weekend he'd beaten his son and told him that he was useless and pathetic. The abuse had carried on in secret, the man telling Jeff that he didn't deserve to live, to be happy. And Jeff had believed him. If only Nick had seen it.

Dalton had been rocked by Jeff's death. Students would come up to Nick in the halls, say sorry. What the hell were they apologising for? They didn't even know him. They hadn't done anything wrong. Nick had. He was to blame. He should have seen it. He should have done something.

The Warblers had been especially guilt-ridden. They'd been his closest friends behind Nick, and they hadn't seen it either. Wes continually berated himself for never giving Jeff the chance to have a solo, angry with himself until Nick had turned around and yelled at him that it was his fault, not yours. I should have seen it. I'm his best friend. I should have stopped it.

Now, sitting in the front row, staring at the coffin that held the body of his best friend, Nick was numb. He'd stopped crying now. He was just numb.

"Jeff was a member of the Warblers, the 'rockstars' of Dalton Academy. The Warblers would like to perform a song in honour of their friend."

Nick stood up, working on autopilot. Was it better to feel nothing? Feeling nothing meant he could function to a relatively decent degree. But he couldn't feel anything. And he was scared that by not feeling anything he would end up like… Jeff.

The Warblers took up position behind him, and Nick suddenly felt something – bitterness at the irony. He and Jeff had worked so hard for the chance to perform a solo. And now it was Jeff's death that led to his friend's first solo. The irony stung.

You must have been in a place so dark
You couldn't feel the light
Reachin' for you through that stormy cloud
Now here we are
Gathered in our little hometown
This can't be the way
You meant to draw a crowd

Jeff had wanted to get out of Ohio, do something with his life, fall in love, have a life.

That wasn't going to happen anymore.

Oh why, that's what I keep asking
Was there anything I could've said or done
Oh, I had no clue you were masking
A troubled soul
God only knows
What went wrong and why
You would leave the stage
In the middle of a song

Nick would never stop blaming himself. He should have done something. He'd seen the warning signs. Why hadn't he been able to save him?

Now in my mind I'll keep you frozen
As a seventeen-year-old
Rounding third to score the winning run
You always played with passion
No matter what the game
When you took the stage
You'd shine just like the sun

There was no one brighter than Jeff when he sang. When he danced. When he laughed.

There was no one brighter than Jeff.

Maybe numb was okay. He could deal with numbness. It meant he didn't have to deal with anything else.

Now the oak trees are swaying
In the early autumn breeze
A golden sun is shining on my face
Through tangled thoughts
I hear a mockingbird sing
This old world really ain't that bad a place

Maybe numb wasn't okay. He needed to feel something that didn't hurt.

Oh why, there's no comprehending
And who am I to try to judge or explain
Oh, but I do have one burning question
Who told you life
Wasn't worth the fight
They were wrong, they lied
Now you're gone and we cry

They all knew who. They all knew. But no one would say.

'Cause it's not like you to
Walk away
In the middle of a song

Your beautiful song

Your absolutely beautiful song

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