Elizabeth sat in the conference room, staring blankly at her laptop. She should have been reviewing her agenda since it wasn't just a run of the mill staff meeting that day. Instead, she was mulling over a message from Samantha Carter. There should only be so many ways to dissect a message saying they needed to talk, but her brain was nothing if not adept at spinning every possible negative scenario.

She pulled her coffee closer, huddling towards the heated steam billowing from the mug. Breakfast would have been a good idea. Tylenol even better. A jacket, she added to the tally as she shivered. The morning air seemed too brisk, and the lighting above too bright, but she knew the environment wasn't responsible for her growing list of discomforts. It had been months since she'd had a panic attack, but she recognized all the signs webbing through her body. It was no wonder. Sam's message had been brief and infuriatingly vague, yet somehow those handful of words tapped into her greatest fear, drudging up the darkest of her memories.

It had been three years since she'd almost lost her life to the Asurans, and there had been no repercussions, no reprimands, though she and John had given them plenty of fodder for both. Sam had been there. She was one of the few who knew everything, which meant undoubtedly Jack knew everything too. Elizabeth had been waiting for the other shoe to drop ever since, but that moment had never come.

Three years, she thought, her mind determinedly pulling her along for a trip down memory lane. It was more like leading her straight to the heart of her worst nightmare, and her muscles tremored as unwanted images flooded her mind.

The Asurans had been creative in their cruelty. After taking her captive, they'd stripped the nanites from her body as they'd pulled apart her mind. Her cells had already become dependent on the nanites, and the swift and crude cleansing almost killed her, which of course, had been their intent and expectation.

They'd seemed to have grown tired of her by the time John had shown up. She hadn't even noticed him when they'd dumped her back in the cell. Her first memories were his arms around her, and his voice whispering in her ear. She was near catatonic for days before she started digging her way out of the fog, but even then, she'd refused to leave the shelter of his arms.

"Hey," John said as he paused in the doorway.

She looked up, and his wide, lopsided grin started warming her from within. Her heart had been beating erratically from the anxiety that had claimed her body, and she felt it settle back into a steady, if still somewhat fast rhythm.

"Sheppard," Lorne called from somewhere further down the hall.

John threw her an apologetic look as Lorne arrived, claiming his attention.

She studied the concentration on John's face as he listened, watched as his posture straightened. He'd changed since she'd been taken, changed in a way few of the crew had yet to recognize. He still joked, he still slouched at the conference table, and he was still perpetually late with most paperwork that crossed his desk. But when it was time to get serious, he worked with a laser-sharp focus that was magnified beyond the intensity he was already known for. He was tense beneath the surface, quicker to snap when someone slipped up, and more rigid in his orders, all a sharp contrast to how much he'd softened with her.

Her heart still pulsed rapidly, and she took deep breaths, steadying her breathing, and trying to focus. She'd been taught a dozen ways to ward off a panic attack, but there was only one thing that ever helped, turning the focus of those memories away from the pain and to the moments she'd spent with John. They'd always been close, but what happened with the Asurans had soldered the ties between them.

She only had fragmented memories of their escape in the Puddle Jumper and of her first days back on Atlantis. After her health improved enough, they'd moved her out of the infirmary and back to her quarters for privacy. She'd stayed sequestered away for two weeks while she'd…stabilized, seemed the most appropriate word. At that point, her mind had seemed more wrecked than her body. She couldn't remember John ever leaving her side, though she knew he must have. She'd been physically weak, mentally fatigued, and she'd trusted him to referee the others, reigning in their overwhelming kindness, allowing her time to rest and recover.

She could have done it alone, and maybe she should have pushed through the recovery alone, but facing death had changed her perspective on her relationship with John.

She racked her mind, combing back through those memories. There must have been times he'd left her side, but she had grainy memories of John rummaging through a duffle bag for clean clothes and of him eating from trays of food that had seemed to materialize several times a day. A select few memories were so vivid she could almost feel them when she closed her eyes. The scruff on his face burrowed against her neck. Did he even shave those weeks? The strength of his arms wrapped around her when she'd slept.

He'd never left her at night. She tried not to think about why that was her only absolute memory. Only Keller and Carter had been witness to the closeness they'd shared, and neither of them had mentioned it since. Neither had she or John.

"What's with the look?" John dropped into the chair beside her and leaned forward to scrutinize her laptop. "Never mind. That explains it."

He'd showered recently. She could smell the masculine scent of his body wash mixing with the familiar scent of his skin. His hair was damp, jutting out at all angles, looking a little out of control even for him.

His finger ran down her forearm. "Where's your jacket? You have goosebumps."

Her body relaxed as he rolled his chair flush against hers and leaned closer. It wasn't much to offer in the way of body heat, but he was her closest friend, and his presence alone still had the unique ability to settle her nerves when everything else failed. Her shivering subsided, her mind calmed, and she finally shoved away thoughts of Asurans and Sam's message, and she turned her focus to the now grumpy man at her side.

"Tell me you didn't make this schedule, Elizabeth."

"I can tell you that," she said, offering an innocent grin, "but we both know it would be a lie."

They were leaving the following morning for their annual three-month stint at running the SGC, and their schedule for their first week back on Earth filled the screen of her laptop.

He handed over her cup of coffee. "Drink some more of this. You're obviously not thinking clearly yet. We've got to fix this schedule." He tossed a power bar her way. "Eat some of this while you're at it. Mess hall staff already ratted you out. I know you didn't eat."

"You need a haircut," she said, hoping to divert him before he could lecture her. She could practically sense him inventorying all the ways she was failing to properly care for herself, but in truth, she was much better than she used to be. She had to be.

"My hair is fine," John said.

She reached out, poking at an errant spike of hair. "This is not fine."

He mock scowled and swatted her hand away. "Stop. You know messing with it only makes it worse."

"Then get it cut when we get back to Earth."

He blanched. "You remember what happened the last time."

"You really are turning into a grumpy old man if you're uncomfortable with a flirtatious woman cutting your hair."

"She took forever on purpose. I had to laugh at all her anecdotes too. I was afraid she'd screw up my hair if I wasn't nice. It would be easier if you'd cut it for me"

She laughed. "No way am I taking responsibility for your hair."

"You're no help," he said, directing a pouting look her way. "And did you really call me a grumpy old man?"

She tried to temper her smile. "I can go with you. Stand in the corner and throw dirty looks her way if she flirts too much."

"Now that I would pay good money to see." He leaned forward, bracing his upper body on his elbows as he continued reading her screen. "Not that you left me any time for a haircut. Can't we even have a day off before you throw us head first into Stargate Command operations?"

"You're just disappointed we'll have to wait a few hours to get to that steakhouse you like," she teased as the familiar cadence of their banter continued to lighten her mood. While neither she or John liked leaving Atlantis, they had learned to appreciate some of the benefits. "It's taken Mitchell and Carter weeks to get here, and Landry leaves for D.C. tonight. We have to start when we arrive tomorrow morning."

He sat back, and raked his hand through his hair. "It's not like they'd burn the place down in one day."

"You remember what happened the last time Stargate Command was left untended. We can still have steak tomorrow night. We just have to get through the workday first."

"One evil alien escapes from base, and they ruined it for everyone," he muttered.

Her eyes flicked over to John. Despite his jesting tone, his expression was somber. "Hey." She tapped his arm. "You're not the only one who'll miss Atlantis. And-"

"Atlantis was still standing the last time we returned. They'll be okay. You keep telling me that, but it kind of sounds like you're still trying to convince yourself."

"So critiquing my bedside manner isn't enough? Now I suck at giving pep talks too?"

He gave a little huff of laughter. "Your bedside manner is improving. I'll give you that."

"High praise from the critic," she said, trying not to dwell on how many hours she'd spent at his infirmary bedside. "And things are more stable here." It helped that the Wraith had bigger problems. Infighting and a few Atlantian successes had splintered their infrastructure, sending them venturing beyond the galaxy in search of new feeding grounds. "Besides, who knows what you might get to take for a spin this time. You liked flying the Al'Kesh."

"Maybe I can round up a Death Glider this time." A childlike grin claimed John's face. "Flying one of those would almost make it worth the trip."

She sipped her coffee trying not to cringe at the thought. Just the name of that ship was enough to make her shudder, though it wasn't like she and John would be walking into the midst of the Ori war. Even the G'ould empire had fallen, but there were still frequent incidents from multiple sources that had to be dealt with. They'd also been tracking reports of a small, unknown fleet slipping in and out of a neighboring galaxy, leaving pockets of destruction in their wake. It was a tiring thought. No matter what they accomplished, there seemed no shortage of evil in the universe.

"I know it's just three months a year," John said, "but I guess I thought O'Neill would let up after the first couple years. We know Stargate Command Operations inside and out. Carter and Mitchell can handle Atlantis. Contingency plan covered."

"It wasn't an easy decision for him, and he made it during a hard time for the Stargate program." She'd been taken by the Asurans. John had disappeared – alone- on a mission to rescue her. Landry had suffered a heart attack, and the remaining senior leadership had been taxed as they tried to fill in the gaps. When the dust settled, and everyone was back where they were supposed to be, O'Neill had instituted the drastic change.

"I know why he did it," John said. "Forget I said anything."

She eyed him carefully. As close as they were, talk of the Asurans still hit a raw nerve for them both, and he diverted whenever they skirted too close to the subject. "Landry's role is changing too," she said. "He's been working with O'Neill in Washington for the past six months. If Jack retires, that will probably become a permanent post. That's one less person to cover the base."

"Retires?" John's eyes widened. "I can't imagine the program without him."

Neither could she, but she'd always found Jack easy to read, and the signs were there. It was want he wanted, but he was having a hard time letting go.

"So, what's up with the weekend schedule?" He pointed at the screen. "You have a ton of stuff scheduled. We usually have weekends off when we're on Earth."

Elizabeth chewed her lip as she set her coffee to the side. She wasn't looking forward to working all weekend either, and her body was no longer forgiving of her penchant for grueling schedules. These days, she had to make a conscientious effort to eat right and get enough sleep or she'd pay dearly for the neglect. "I'll make you a deal. Give me Saturday, and I'll clear Sunday's schedule."

"Sold. But, Sunday we've got to go to-"

"That Italian place?" Her stomach rumbled when John nodded in affirmation. "I'm already hungry. Speaking of which, we'll need to get groceries."

"What do you mean we? You need to get groceries. You make me do the cooking. That's our deal."

She smiled as she relaxed back against her chair. "Your self-imposed deal. You always insist on doing the cooking. I'd be more than happy to cook."

His jaw dropped open, and he seemed too horrified by the thought of her cooking to see through her lie. "You hate cooking," he reminded. "And you set off the fire alarm every time you try."

"That only happened twice, and both times were your fault for distracting me."

"It happened more than twice, and you know it."

"You distracting me?" She arched a brow towards him. "That definitely happened more than twice."

John's stare shifted into more of a simmering gaze, and she drew in a deep cleansing breath to steady herself. They'd forged a special bond, one they'd decided not to risk considering their mutually crappy track records with love. John had made some headway into repairing his relationship with his brother, and she had her mother, but they were closer to each other than anyone else.

"We can hit that little grocery store we like," John said. "It'll be on the back from the restaurant on Sunday."

"We should go there Saturday night. There's still no wine sales on Sunday."

"Not going to happen." He shook his head. "We're not going to a grocery store on our first Saturday night back. I've got something else in mind for then."

"What are we doing Saturday night?" she asked.

"You'll see."

Her heart skipped, and she swallowed hard. He didn't always make this easy. Deciding to keep things platonic had opened John up to her in a way he hadn't been able to before. They were comfortable in each other's presence in a way they both admitted they hadn't managed with anyone else, but when he planned surprises on a Saturday night, it was too easy to imagine him playing a much different role in her life.

Groceries. Focus. And she wasn't supposed to drink alcohol anymore. How easily she'd forgotten. She could go to the store on Saturday morning before work, but the only thing she hated more than working on the weekend was waking up early on the weekend. "We could order groceries in this week," she said. "We'll just have to make sure we get home in time to accept the delivery."

"Are we sure they're not living together?" Rodney's voice cut through the room. "They sound like an old married couple."

Jennifer laughed. "What married couple do you know that likes each other that much?"

Elizabeth startled as she realized that in addition to Rodney and Jennifer, Teyla, Ronon, and Carson were gathered outside the door. Their expressions ran the gamut from amusement to Rodney's outright shock. They were looking at each other, oblivious John and Elizabeth had noticed their arrival.

She exchanged a quick glance with John, not surprised to see the same flare of alarm in his eyes that she'd felt rip through her heart. He moved his chair- as if an inch further away really made a difference- and strummed his fingers on the table.

"I think it is wonderful that they are getting some time to enjoy themselves," Teyla said.

"Sounds more like they're enjoying each other." Rodney yelped as Ronon smacked the back of his head. "Will you cut it out? Just think about it. This will be their third rotation, and this little work marriage thing of theirs just gets more annoyingly blatant each time they return. They'll be unbearable the next time they come back."

It would be too easy to snap and verbally admonish Rodney, but for whatever reason, she knew their friendship bothered Rodney. Elizabeth had a better idea on how to handle him.

"I've been dreaming about the pastries from the coffee shop on the corner." She gave John a little wink the others couldn't see.

The corners of his lips twitched as he glanced back at Rodney. "What are you hungry for most? Chocolate croissants, cake, or-"

"Donuts," she said, remembering Rodney's fondness for them, but then again, the man seemed fond of anything that contained sugar. "Or cupcakes. Turtle or red velvet or-"

"Oh my god, are you trying to torture me?" Rodney whined.

Elizabeth tried to hide her smile as the others filtered into the room.

John cleared his throat. "And not that our living arrangements are any business of yours, but-"

"We have separate apartments, Rodney." Elizabeth cut John off before he made it worse by mentioning the apartments the SGC kept for their use were side by side. It was a waste of money. They spent all their time together in one of the two apartments, and they'd fallen asleep on the same couch more often then she could count.

"You heard that? So you were trying to torture me." Rodney sank down heavily in his chair. "Tell me more about this steakhouse and the Italian place. I'll be there the last week you are. I should probably check them out."

"You know, with Elizabeth being in charge of your schedule and all, I wouldn't count on very much down time," John said.

Rodney's face morphed into a full on pout as he turned to Teyla. "They're going to punish me for months for a couple of astute observations. That's hardly fair."

"If you were nicer, we might bring you some of those things back," John said.

Rodney's expression turned hopeful as his eyes swung back their way. "Really?"

"No. Probably not." John nudged her. "Do you need some Tylenol?"

"Not yet." She had a feeling her headache would subside by the time she finished the coffee. "How did you know?"

"The same way I always do. You do this thing with your eyes." His brows raised towards her. "You know what happens when you wait too long to take medicine."

"What's wrong? Not feeling well?" Carson asked.

"I'm fine," she said.

"She's not fine. She has a headache," John said, earning him a glare from her in return.

"He's right," Carson said. "You remember what happened the last time you didn't take anything early to ward it off. We had to give you migraine medicine."

"You passed out," John reminded. "I had to carry you back to the infirmary."

"That was only because I hadn't slept in over twenty-four hours. I hadn't eaten either. This isn't like that headache, I promise."

"Elizabeth," Carson's voice softened. "That was before-"

"I know." She quickly cut him off. "Can we talk about this later?"

"Before what?" John swiveled his chair sideways, giving her his full attention. "What's Carson talking about?"

She lowered her voice and tucked her head towards him. "My white blood cell count has been a little off. Keller must have already told him." From the corner of her eyes, she caught a glimpse of Carson's mouth opening slightly, but she ignored it, instead focusing on John's hand as it closed around her knee.

"Why didn't you say something?" His voice was barely audible. "What does that mean?"

She hesitated. "I've been fighting off a cold or something."

"Or something? Like what?"

Telling him would be tattling on herself, and she wasn't sure he'd ever forgive her from keeping this from him. It wasn't something she'd been battling for just a week, it was something she'd been struggling with for three years, ever since she'd come back from Asuras.

A sin of omission was one thing, but she was struggling to find the words to sidestep with his eyes locked upon hers and his thumb rubbing against her knee.

"How many work husbands should one person have?" Rodney hissed loudly, saving Elizabeth as John broke his gaze and turned back towards the table. "I think Elizabeth has more than her fair share."

There was a time a comment like that would have made John shutter off, but over the years, he'd stopped giving a damn what anyone thought about their friendship. She wasn't surprised to see a full blown smirk cross his face.

Her hand closed over his, and she squeezed slightly before moving his hand from her knee. His familiar gesture was more intimate than mere friendship, but she'd become skilled at shoving those thoughts into the darkest corner of her mind and blocking them out.

"Rodney, will you stop running your bloody mouth?" Carson said. "You're never as quiet as you think you are. We can hear every word you're saying."

"Ignore him." John squeezed her hand back before he allowed her to let go. "I think he's just jealous."

"Are you jealous, Rodney?" Jennifer looked amused. "Because if you want your own work husband, I think we should talk."

"He already has a work husband." John shrugged when all eyes turned towards him. "What? We've all heard him bickering with Zelenka. Actually, if you count Carson, he does have more than one work husband."

"What do you mean, if you count Carson?" Rodney said as a scowl covered his face.

"You did kiss him," John said.

"Hey, that was Cadman, not me!" Rodney's face flushed. "You can't hold that against me."

"Why'd you have to remind me?" Carson winced. "He'd lips like sandpaper."

"Carson, I don't think I officially welcomed you back. It's good to see you at the table with us," Elizabeth said, hoping to shift the direction of conversation. If they kept talking about who'd kissed who, her own face would be red within minutes.

Carson returned to Atlantis each year when John was on Earth so they'd have someone on standby who could rotate shifts in the chair with Lorne if an emergency arose. The rest of the time, he was continuing to offer medical assistance to the many worlds throughout the Pegasus Galaxy.

"I think the hug at the gate was welcome enough, but thank you," Carson said.

"You got a hug?" John's eyes narrowed. "I feel like I got the short end of the work husband stick."

"You were the one she kissed," Carson said.

Elizabeth's heart seized. "What?"

"Did you forget about the hostile aliens taking over your body?" Rodney asked.

"What kiss did you think I was talking about?" Carson leaned closer, his eyes gleaming with curiosity.

She glanced over at John. He avoided her eyes and tugged on his collar.

"Sounds like we're late." Cameron Mitchell strolled in the room casually playing catch with a lemon.

"Oh, god." Rodney slumped back against his chair. "It's you again."

Cameron plopped down beside Rodney. He didn't speak, he just put the lemon on the table with a slow deliberate movement that left Rodney squirming and edging his chair away.

"Is it too late to request to come with you?" Rodney said, casting a pleading look her way.

"I thought you'd be happy to see me, Rodney," Sam said as she took the seat beside Elizabeth.

"Oh. I didn't see you there. I am." His tone was a little too eager, and he winced as Jennifer's elbow neatly caught his ribs. "I mean, It's good to, uh…"

She glanced over towards Sam as Rodney's voice trailed off. "Sorry about the bickering you probably overheard."

"You don't have to apologize to me. I know what it's like when you work with the same people every day for years. According to Walter, I have several work husbands myself. Isn't that right, Cam? Apparently, he's my fourth."

Cameron ran a hand down over his face. "We haven't even been here an hour, Carter. Can you cut me some slack?"

"We're family," Sam grinned. "That means I get to be tougher on you than anyone else."

"Explain to me again why that's a good thing?" Cameron said.

John got up and walked over to Cameron. He said something Elizabeth couldn't hear, and Cameron turned red as he tried to hold in his laughter.

Sam leaned closer. "Did Jack talk to you? About the six month-"

"Yes," Elizabeth said quickly as her eyes darted to John. She hadn't told him that O'Neill was considering increasing their rotations to three months twice a year after realizing that John and Cameron were better about sitting out non-essential missions when they were away from their home base. Both men had reached the point where their experience made them too much of an asset to risk out in the field each day. Their leadership roles would be redefined as they were groomed for their next promotion and, while most soldiers might jump at that opportunity, she wasn't sure either man was ready for that kind of change.

John looked over to her, and his eyes tightened almost imperceptibly in silent question. Her whole body had tensed the moment Sam brought up the biannual rotations, and it had taken him less than a second to register something was bothering her. She tried to relax and gave the tiniest of nods. His lips pressed together, but he let the moment pass without comment.

"After so many years of working together, it's hard to compartmentalize, isn't it?" Sam asked.

She tore her eyes away from John, realizing that Sam hadn't missed the lingering stare of their silent conversation.

"We should talk," Sam said. "Are you free for lunch?"

If it was the 'don't get too close to people you work with warning', they should have intervened three years ago, starting with John for disobeying orders, sneaking out on a half-assed solo rescue attempt that landed him in the cell with her on Asuras. They'd only escaped with the assistance of a few of the ascension seeking Asurans, the only ones who'd managed to overcome the assimilation updates.

"He's not talking about splitting us up, is he?" Elizabeth asked in a quiet voice only Sam could hear.

"You and John?" Sam shook her head. "Jack wouldn't do that. Not to you two, not after what happened on Asuras."

Elizabeth averted her eyes and swallowed down the last of her coffee.

"I shouldn't have mentioned it, Elizabeth. I'm sorry." Sam reached out and tapped her arm. "I didn't mean to give you the impression I had bad news, and I have an idea of getting us out of the six-month rotation, so don't worry about that either, but there's something else. Good news actually." Sam dropped her voice before continuing. "Carolyn said you've moved up on the UNOS transplant list. There's a chance it could happen during this rotation, and if so, we need to have a contingency plan in place to cover your absence."

"Are you serious?" she asked, feeling a surge of relief as Sam nodded. "No dialysis?"

"That's the hope," Sam said, giving her a warm smile.

Elizabeth tried to temper her smile and her hope. What happened on Asuras had irrevocably damaged her body, stressing it to the point it triggered the development of an autoimmune disorder. Lupus. The word still sounded foreign to herself. It was an incurable, but manageable disease if she took care of herself. The problem was, she'd ignored her symptoms, and her diagnosis had taken months. By then, her immune system had targeted her kidneys, and the damage had already been done.

She was facing dialysis treatments in the next six months if she didn't receive a transplant. If she were forced onto dialysis, she'd be indefinitely spending a considerable amount of time in the hospital for those treatments, and she wouldn't be able to hold onto her position.

She couldn't even imagine the look on John's face if she told him she was leaving Atlantis. The only thing worse would be telling him why. When she'd been diagnosed, it had seemed selfish to worry him or add to his guilt, but now every day that passed made her secret a harder cross to bear.

"Beyond the fact that you're making me nervous whispering over there, can we get this thing moving?" Cameron asked as his eyes panned between her and Sam.

John reclaimed his chair beside her. "Yeah. We kind of have plans."

"What kind of plans," Elizabeth asked, wondering what they were up to.

"I haven't been in a jumper underwater yet," Cameron said.

"He's hoping to meet Sam the whale," John said, shooting a wicked grin towards Rodney.

"What?" Sam asked.

"I thought we told you about it," John said. "McKay named-"

"You know what? I'm sure you did. I probably blocked it from memory, and I'd like to leave it that way," Sam said.

Elizabeth was still smiling when she looked back at Sam. "Sounds like I'll have plenty of time for that lunch."

"What lunch?" John asked. "We'll be back for lunch."

"Sorry, Elizabeth and I have some catching up to do." Carter said. "We can all meet for dinner tonight."

"They don't want us at lunch," Cameron said. "I was nervous before when they started whispering, but now I'm getting worried."

"Why? Afraid I'll tell her something embarrassing?" Sam said. "Like how you snore when you sleep?"

Cameron sighed heavily as he looked to the ground.

"What? How do you know he snores?" McKay asked.

Elizabeth rubbed her temple. She should have remembered from the last time. These turnover days always ended up feeling more like a high school reunion than a work event.

"You've never gotten stuck off-world overnight on a mission?" Sam asked.

"Oh, yes. Of course we have. Sheppard snores too," McKay said, offering up his best smarmy grin.

"I do not. Elizabeth tell them…" John's words trailed off as she knocked her knee against his under the table. His eyes went wide for a split second before his expression morphed back into a carefully controlled casual state. "Tell him to be quiet. Don't we have work to do?"

That they did, or they'd never get the turnover completed. "Yes. Let's begin," she said.

~TBC