The disclaimer telling you I don't own any Invader Zim characters has gone out to dinner somewhere. Not even this idea is mine. Just my version of a story that was never written. MADNESS! EMBRACE IT PEOPLE!
Zim Feeds On Noodles
"Come on Gaz! You promised!" Dib said as the siblings walked through town. "You remember! I did your chores for a week as well as let you pick the restaurant the last two times in exchange for letting me pick this time!"
"Grrrr…" Gaz was annoyed but she didn't say anything else.
"Besides it's not my fault Bloaty's is temporarily closed!" Dib told her. "I'm not the one who called the Health Department!"
"I know you didn't. That's why you're still breathing," Gaz snarled. "But if I ever find out who did call they are going to pay!"
"Besides I'm paying so I should pick the restaurant," Dib said.
"You found money in one of Dad's coat pockets in the closet," Gaz corrected.
"A coat he hasn't used in months," Dib corrected as they made their way to a strange looking Chinese take out. "Besides if I didn't we'd still be fighting over that one orange in the fridge. I can't believe Dad forgot to get groceries again this month."
"I can," Gaz grumbled. "Fine. I guess it's better than nothing."
"This looks like a pretty good place," Dib said as they stood in front of a creepy looking Chinese restaurant. "A little weird looking though."
"You think everything is weird," Gaz told him as they went in.
As they went to the counter whisps of strange smoke like figures cackled and floated around. "Good eveninngggggg," A waiter stood there. The strange part was he wasn't Chinese. He wasn't from any type of Asian descent at all. He sounded Italian. "How would you like to try our succulent special? Everything Delight! It has everrryyythinngg in it!"
"Uh okay…" Dib blinked.
"Spleeennddidddddddddd," The waiter cackled. "One Everything Deliiiiiiigggght! Tinkle! Tinkle! Tinkle!" The waiter danced around while a huge bag filled with strange smelling food floated out on a cloud.
"Okay, maybe that's a little weird," Gaz admitted.
"Thank you!" Dib rolled his eyes. "Was that so hard to admit?"
"Don't let it go to your head," Gaz told him as their order came up. "Just pay the man."
"Oh no! Uh this order is free! On the house! Special one day promotion! Thank you! Come again!" The waiter said. Then he disappeared in a puff of smoke.
"Cool free food. Let's go home," Gaz said.
They walked out of the building with Dib carrying the bag. "Boy this bag is heavy," Dib remarked.
Suddenly he was knocked down by something very quick. Or should I say someone.
"Victory is Zim's!" Zim cackled as he stole the bag wearing his human disguise. Of course he was using his PAK legs to run away. "Zim has stolen the food from the Dib!"
"Okay seriously! He's using those metal legs on that back pack thing and no one is noticing?" Dib snapped as he got up. Of course there was no one on the street. "Do you have any idea how annoying this is?"
"I'm getting a clue," Gaz gave Dib a look.
"Ha! By stealing the Dib's food and eating it! Dib will grow weaker and Zim will grow stronger! Victory is Zim's!" Zim ran off cackling.
"ZIM YOU JERK!" Dib shouted about to chase him.
"Oh forget it Dib," Gaz waved, somewhat glad she wasn't going to eat Chinese. "Let's just go order something else from that pizza place down the street."
"But…" Dib protested.
"You can get Zim later and since you already used your turn it's my turn," Gaz yanked his arm and half dragged him down the street.
Three days later…
"I can't believe we have to go out for Chinese again!" Gaz fumed as the siblings went down the same street.
"Well don't blame me for this!" Dib said. "I'm not the one who got us kicked out of that pizza place the last time!"
"Hey, when I want a tall soda, I want a tall soda!" Gaz snarled. "Not a small soda with a ton of ice in it! That server was lucky all I did was flood the kitchen with soda!"
"You also set her hair on fire," Dib added.
"Well the soda put it out didn't it?" Gaz said. She stopped and looked up. "Hey. Where's the restaurant?"
There was nothing but an empty space. "It's gone," Dib blinked. "Wow I've heard businesses were collapsing in this economy but I didn't think it would be this bad!"
"There's another restaurant down the street," Gaz pointed out. "Let's try that one."
As they went down the street they heard crashes and bangs. A chair was thrown through the window. Several customers ran out of the building. "He's crazy! Nut job! Lunatic on the loose! I want my money back!"
"I dunno about this one Gaz," Dib remarked. "The food might not be so good if people are rioting."
They looked inside the broken window and saw a figure in a cape hunched over a large plate of noodles. A green figure in a cape. The figure whirled around and there was Zim, red eyes and antennae out but with some small changes. He was wearing a black cape and his front teeth had been changed into some kind of fangs.
Actually they looked more like chopsticks than fangs.
"What the…?" Gaz did a double take. "This is weirder than usual."
"Zim! I should have known! What evil plan do you have this time?" Dib yelled.
"Ah ha! Sciocco Dib! I Vampiri Zim si divori tutti I vostri tagilatelle e cibo! Le tagilatelle saranno miei idioto!" Zim spoke in Italian with an Italian accent.
(Translation: Ah Ha! Foolish Dib! I Vampire Zim shall devour all your noodles and food! The noodles shall be mine idiot!)
Just then all the remaining food, the noodles, orange chicken and duck flew around the room. Zim said in Italian: (But I am just sticking to the English translation for obvious reasons) "The food is mine! Mine alone! You cannot stop Noodle Vampire Zim! Muah ha ha! All the food is mine! So long you big headed loser and foul tempered chicken girl! HA HA!"
Zim flew out with all the food into the sky. "He stole all the food!" Dib yelled.
"Definitely weirder than usual," Gaz frowned.
"Good thing Italian was one of the six languages Dad made us learn when we were babies," Dib remarked.
"Yeah otherwise we wouldn't have understood his insults. Wait why is Zim speaking Italian if he's a vampire?" Gaz blinked. "I mean shouldn't he be speaking Transylvanian or something? That's weird."
"Not really if you know the origin story of the Curse of the Golden Noodles," A shadowy figure with an Italian accent came out of the darkness. "I am Montressori. And your friend is under a terrible curse."
"Curse? Oh this sounds like fun!" Dib snickered.
"Great…" Gaz looked at the figure covered in a black trench coat, black fedora, black hair and black goggles with a black scarf around his neck. "As if my life doesn't have enough weirdoes in it."
"Your friend is under a terrible curse…" Montressori began.
"He's not my friend," Dib corrected. "He's my arch rival and enemy of Earth!"
"Okay her friend…" Montressori began again.
"He's not my friend either," Gaz said.
"Fine! The guy you know…" Montressori groaned. "It all begins back in the days of the great Italian explorers. More specifically the voyage of Marco Polo."
"You mean when he made his way to China and brought back silk, pasta and all sorts of Chinese spices?" Dib asked.
"No, I mean when he went to Coney Island and brought back a lot of hot dogs," Montressori said sarcastically. "Yes! Actually it started with Marco's best friend and drinking buddy Antonio." He held up a faded parchment showing a picture of Marco standing next to someone with a very familiar looking hairstyle. (Meaning it looked exactly like Professor Membrane's.)
"It was Antonio that first started eating Chinese food and got addicted to it," Montressori explained. "He was also the inventor of Chinese takeaway. Meaning he took away the secrets of pasta and how to make it. He started opening up restaurants all over Italy. But they really took off when his brother, Nunzio changed the recipe a little bit. You know he added tomato sauce instead of soy sauce. He put ear salve on some of the pasta and changed the name to Pesto sauce. It moved like hotcakes."
"So when does the curse part come in?" Dib asked as he saw another picture of Nunzio a young boy who had the same hairstyle as Dib.
"Oh right, well the last trip Antonio made he kind of stole some secrets from the Emperor's head chef and he was pretty ticked off about it," Montressori explained. "Turns out the head chef had a cousin of his who just happened to be a sorcerer. That sorcerer placed a curse on Antonio making him the first Noodle Vampire."
"Noodle Vampire?" Gaz asked.
"Yeah they're like regular vampires but instead of blood they eat noodles and Chinese and Italian food," Montressori said. "A lot of it. Anyway to this day Antonio goes all over the place trying to create more Noodle Vampires so he can create an army of them."
"In order to take over the world?" Dib asked.
"More like take over the world's restaurant business," Montressori confessed. "By putting all the other restaurants out of business he will corner the market on Chinese and Italian food and make a fortune."
"That's pretty evil," Dib thought.
"So what's your stake in all of this?" Gaz asked.
"I am from a secret society sworn to fight this evil. I go from country to country, city to city trying to stop the spread of the Noodle Vampires. And now your uh…Acquaintance has fallen to the curse," Montressori explained. "If he is not cured, the entire city shall fall into darkness."
"And that's a bad thing why?" Gaz asked as she raised her eyebrow.
"You want to live in a city with no Chinese or Italian restaurants?" Montressori folded his arms.
"He's got a point," Dib said.
"I don't like noodles anyway," Gaz shrugged. "What do I care?"
"Not just noodles will get wiped out, Sunshine," Montressori gave her a look. "All Chinese and Italian food or food that has origins in either culture will get wiped out. That includes American Chop Suey…"
"Blech," Gaz grunted.
"Macaroni and cheese…" Montressori went on.
"Double blech," Gaz snorted.
"Pizza…" Montressori remarked.
"WHAT?" Gaz shouted.
"I thought Pizza was American?" Dib asked.
"Thick crust deep dish yes. Thin crust rustic is Italian," Montressori explained. "But both have origins in Italy so yes it counts."
"So if we don't cure Zim all the Pizza places including Bloatys will be gone forever too?" Dib asked.
"Bingo," Montressori nodded.
Gaz's eye twitched before she leapt up and grabbed Montressori by the lapels. "Start talking! How do we get rid of the curse?"
"Only one thing can stop the curse," Montressori opened his bag and took out a container. "One thing is powerful enough to destroy the dark urges forever!"
"And what is it? A stake through the heart?" Dib asked hopefully. "Oh wait! Cutting off his head? Oh wait no! Setting him on fire! Wait! Do we get to do all three things at once to him? Please say yes! That would be cool!"
"Quite the bloodthirsty little maniac aren't you?" Montressori gave him a look. "No I mean this!" He opened the container. The contents glowed brightly. "The Golden Arancini!"
"It looks like a fried rice ball," Dib blinked.
"It is a fried rice ball," Montressori explained. "But it's warm and it's got a chewy mozzarella center with some basil and garlic in it…"
"Doesn't garlic kill vampires?" Dib asked hopefully.
"Not Italian Vampires, but it can cure anyone infected with the Curse of the Golden Noodles," Montressori explained.
"Oh. Sure we can't just kill him instead?" Dib asked.
"No, because he won't suffer as much if we do," Gaz told him. "All right Dib get to work!"
Dib took out a strange device. "I've been working on a device that specifically locates Zim's unique bio signature. If I can just get it working we'll be able to detect him anywhere in the city."
CRASH! SMASH!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHH! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! MONSTER! AAAHH!"
"Or we could just go into that restaurant there where all the customers are running out of and we hear screaming from," Gaz pointed.
"That would work," Dib blinked.
"HA HA HA! All the noodles are mine! I shall eat all your tasty noodleness!" Zim cackled in Italian as his chopstick noodles devoured everything in the Chinese restaurant. "Yes! Yes! Noodles feed me!"
"ZIM!" Dib burst into the restaurant. "It's over Zim! Your reign of restaurant terror is at an end!"
"Foolish Dib Penguin! I shall feast and feast and devour all noodles until the end of time! Muah Ha Ha!" Zim cackled.
"Did you just call me a penguin? Zim, you do know you can speak English right?" Dib raised an annoyed eyebrow.
"Yes but I thought it would be more fun if I spoke…Whatever I'm speaking now," Zim blinked.
"Look I admit it gives more atmosphere to our battle but its also kind of distracting," Dib folded his arms. "Italian isn't one of my best languages and it takes me a while to translate it. Besides your insults are a little off."
"What do you mean they're off? They're superb!" Zim huffed.
"So you meant to call me a penguin?" Dib raised an eyebrow.
"That's not some kind of rodent is it?" Zim asked.
"No, it's a cute flightless bird," Dib explained. "You think I'm a cute flightless bird?"
"I'd better stick to English huh?" Zim blinked.
"Yeah. You'd better," Dib said before he attacked.
CRASH! SMASH! CRASH!
"Oh boy, that's quite a big hole," Montressori winced at the destruction.
"Eh that's pretty average for those two," Gaz waved.
"Let me guess, you're just waiting until your brother distracts him enough and then you're going in?" Montressori asked Gaz.
"Hmm, you're not as stupid as other adults are you?" Gaz raised an eyebrow.
"When you've lived as long as I have, you pick up a few things," Montressori shrugged.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOM! CRASH! SMASH!
"Wow those two really are going at it," Montressori blinked.
"When you've been around these two as long as I have, you'll see worse," Gaz shrugged. "This is pretty mild for them."
KAABOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Okay using an entire buffet line as a weapon to try and destroy Dib is a new one," Gaz remarked. "Good thing Zim's aim is lousy."
"OOOH! Italian too!" Zim cackled as he flew out of one of the holes in the restaurant and into the next one. Immediately screams and shouts were heard.
"Come back here Zim! You're not going to eat any more pasta when I'm around!" Dib shouted as he ran into the restaurant. More screams and shouts were heard.
"Crazy kids! Watch out for the green one! He spits! That big headed kid is nuts! Run away! Run away!" Several customers ran out the door. Gaz and Montressori barely missed being trampled.
"My brother and Zim have a way with people," Gaz explained as they went inside. Gaz barely ducked in time of a large chair that was thrown her way. "HEY!"
"MUAH HA HA! Foolish human! Noodle Vampire Zim shall destroy you with the very pasta you swore to protect!" Zim cackled as he floated above them. But his arms were covered with every single pasta in the place, forming huge noodle arms and some very big noodle fists.
Fists he used to try and smash Dib.
Dib however wasn't helpless. "Take that Zim!" Dib threw some meatballs rather accurately. "And take some of these spareribs in sauce! And eggplant rollatini! And more meatballs!"
"HA! Foolish Dib! You can't…OW! THAT SAUCE HURTS WHEN IT GETS IN YOUR EYES!" Zim screamed as a meatball covered in sauce hit him in the face.
"HA! GOT YOU! WHOA!" Dib barely missed a noodle fist himself.
"I have seen food fights before but this takes it to a whole new level," Montressori blinked. "And in my business I've seen a lot of food fights."
"Are you sure we can't just drive a stake through his heart?" Dib yelled as he dodged Zim's attacks. "Oh wait, Zim might not have a heart being an alien. Never mind!"
"Dib you need to paralyze his arms!" Gaz shouted. "Let him catch you and beat you up!"
"WHAT?" Dib turned to look at her. Zim's pasta arms grabbed him and started to shake him. "NYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHH!"
"Yeah just like that," Gaz took the golden arancini and made her move. She jumped right onto one of Zim's arm noodles and ran up his arm.
"Huh? What the…HEY GET OFF OF ME!" Zim saw Gaz. But it was too late.
"OPEN WIDE ZIM!" Gaz yelled before she stuffed the arancini into Zim's mouth. "NOW EAT IT!"
"GRRAGGGHHHHH!" Zim gagged as Gaz made sure the arancini was stuffed down his throat.
There was a bright flash of light and food exploded everywhere. "Ewww…" Dib stood there as he, Zim and Gaz were covered in food. "That was messy."
"That's why I always carry an umbrella," Montressori stood there unscathed by the food mess. Thanks to a huge black umbrella.
"You knew this was going to happen?" Gaz snapped as she threw some noodles off her head. "That's why you let us do the fighting?"
"Told you, when you've been around as long as I have, you pick up a few things," Montressori shrugged. Gaz picked up a meatball covered in sauce and hit him in the face. "That I should have seen coming."
Thirty minutes later at nearby pizza parlor….
"Thanks for treating us to pizza!" Dib said cheerfully as the gang ended up in a booth at Bloaty's. The table was filled with several different kinds of pizza.
"It's the least I could do for all your help," Montressori told them.
"Hmmm! Good pizza!" Dib chomped on his happily. He grinned at Zim. "How's your pizza Zim?"
Zim had his human disguise back on but he was still bruised and looked exhausted. "Too tired to insult big headed worm boy…" He muttered as he nibbled his vegetarian pizza. "Why does everything on this stinking planet hurt Zim?"
"Maybe because they know that you're trying to take it over?" Dib glared at him.
"Dib, give it a rest and eat your pizza," Gaz said. "You won today. Just enjoy your rare victory."
"Oh fine," Dib ate his pizza. "Montressori aren't you going to eat your pizza?"
"Oh yes," Montressori took of his scarf and took a bite. But not before revealing some huge vampire fangs.
"Whoa look at those fangs! Wait that means…." Dib did a double take. "VAMPIRE!"
"Wait you're a vampire that hunts Noodle Vampires?" Gaz blinked. "Give me a break!"
"Uh yeah. Could you mind not telling people we exist?" Montressori asked. "I mean it is the least you could do after helping you save the city. It's not like we even drink people's blood anymore."
"You don't?" Dib's eyes widened.
"Oh heck no! Do you have any idea how many drugs and additives are in the average person's bloodstream nowadays?" Montressori shuddered. "And don't get me started on how human blood is so fattening and goes right to your thighs! My cholesterol is through the roof as it is! I mean seriously, I don't need any more health problems."
"Well I guess I have to since you're a fellow paranormal investigator," Dib scratched his head. "And since you don't eat people so I guess it's okay."
"Like anybody would believe you anyway," Gaz groaned.
"Just couldn't resist saying that could you Gaz?" Dib gave her a look.
"Oh just shut up and eat your stupid pizza," Zim grumbled.
"Wait a minute…Something's missing here," Gaz thought. "I can't put my finger on it but there's just something about this night that is a little off."
"There they are! The weird green kid and that large headed freak!" An angry mob made up of restaurant owners and customers burst in the door. "GET THEM!"
"AAAAAHHH!" Zim and Dib ran for their lives. The mob chased them around the room.
"Should we help them or something?" Montressori asked.
"Just sit there and pretend you don't know them," Gaz told him. "Trust me on this."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Dib and Zim ran for their lives away from the angry mob out the door and down the street.
"Okay now everything's back to normal," Gaz shrugged and went back to eating her pizza. Montressori did the same.