I still feel you in my skin.
A spitfire fanfiction.
Breathe, Tigress. Breathe. She mentally told herself as she held tightly onto her crossbow. Their mission is far too hard to handle. Not that enemy is overpowering them, or that she's weak. Definitely not. But they're back in Bialya, and there's just too much.
She said that she needed distance, and she tried her best to get it from every single source she can get. She enlisted herself in tons of missions for The Team, and she went on more and more missions with Green Arrow. But they never gave her the kind of distance she needed.
The past six months had been torture for Artemis. Everything felt wrong, and she needed every single bit of space given to her by her friends. Usually, she never showed hurt or deep feelings. In fact, Artemis had always been so emotionless. She refused to let people see the pain she's withholding deep inside. There was no point anyway, so why try?
Somehow, hurt had always made its way back to the heroine. No matter what the situation is, it will find its way back to her. And over the times, she had been so fearfully acquainted with the concept of fear to the point where it never made her blink, nowadays.
But that's just the exterior of who she is. Deep down, tied down in the depths of her own mindset, was the Artemis who felt and cried for pain every single time. She cried for her mother, her father, her sister, and W— she had to stop herself from thinking, then.
The heroine took a deep breath before sending an arrow to the target. Her father—The Sportsmaster—was once again doing his dirty little business. And of course, he's the target. She sent the arrow to the briefcase, looking over at her shoulder to see if anyone was lurking behind her. Desperation reeks through the air as she swore she saw a blur, very much like his blur. She tried to hold onto the closest, heavy thing around her. But she ended up falling down on her knees in pure anxiety.
"Tigress, focus, focus, focus. He's—he's gone. He wouldn't— He's…"She trailed off. Her palms lay flat against the sand and she panted. She felt the world closing in on her, the fear and the air slowly combining forces and forming something so terrible that Artemis couldn't dare stand. She could feel the blood pumping faster, the dizziness, and she's trembling; her surroundings are slowly suffocating her, and before she knew it, she blacked out.
She woke up with a very concerned Nightwing towering above her from where she recognizes as the Watchtower. And that was when she remembered how she passed out from an anxiety attack in Bialya. Nightwing must have been the one who took her back.
"How long was I out?" She asked, not even bothering to sit up. The bed is entirely comfortable that way, and she knew that Nightwing would only ask her to lay back down and get her rest.
"A day. Apparently, it wasn't just a panic attack. You were dehydrated, you lack sleep, and you never get enough food. We actually had to take you to a doctor because no one could handle something like that. The League only ever works with physical injuries, not psychological traumas." He responded.
She felt the guilt taking over her. She should have told Nightwing how she can't quite distance herself from what had happened, but she didn't. She thought she was tough enough to handle it all on her own. She was wrong.
"Dick, I'm fine. I swea-"
"No Artemis! You're not fine! I bet you can't see what you've become now! Your face is hollowed out, there's no life left in you, it's like you forgot to breathe! Artemis, I know this is hard, but you have to let Wally go." He sighed.
"No, no, no! Dick I'm not letting him go! He's still there! I know that he's still here! He'll never leave The Team, his family, me. I know he's there, Dick. Please, trust me on this!" She clutched the sides of the hospital bed as she sat down, panting.
She had never shown more emotion before than right now. All the hurt is coming out and everything is just a hysterical blur. He was all she had. Everything wonderful that she ever had was with Wally. With him, she saw all the wonderful things there is in life. And she'd give up anything for another minute with Wally.
"Wally loves you so much, Artemis, and you know that." Dick told her, taking off his mask, revealing a distraught face.
"Of course I know that." She responded, her voice barely a whisper. "We could have had a life together, we could have done a lot of things together, but he had to sacrifice himself to be a hero. I-I don't think I can live with myself, anymore. He's all I ever have and now he's gone."
The tears are streaming down her face as she recalls every kaleidoscope of emotions Wally had made her feel. She misses everything, from his laugh, to his ravenous appetite. And she wouldn't even dare try to remember the number of Valentine's Days he'd forgotten.
She cried. For the first time in forever, she was being absolutely selfish with herself. All her life she followed what other people wanted. She has been under several people's command and she's followed their will without hesitation. Now's the time that she had to think of herself.
"Artemis, you have us." Dick placed his hand on her shoulder, doing his best to comfort what was left of the archer.
"It's not the same." She shook her head, holding Dick's hand. Oddly enough, she feels his pain, too. After all, Wally was his best friend. And she knew that Dick would do everything just to get his best friend back.
"I'll take you home, Artemis. You're obviously not in shape to be home all by yourself." Dick offered.
Artemis only smiled before getting off the bed. She's still in her Tigress costume, only without a mask. Her knees are still trembling and she almost fell down after standing up. Dick caught her, thankfully.
"He was going to marry you, you know that?" Dick brought up.
Her breath hitched and she felt her heart stop for just a second. He was going to marry her? She couldn't quite stomach the news. Knowing that there was a life for the both of them if he didn't die made her feel nostalgic and nauseous at the same time.
Dick shouldn't have told her.
"I- Dick, please don't. I don't know what to feel, anymore." She confessed. She knew how cold she had been, recently. But she refused to believe it, or admit it. Artemis was too blind to what was happening to herself. All she knew is that she wants Wally, and that she needs to save the world.
"He loves you so much, Artemis. You were the first girl to make him feel that way, and the last. You two are a perfect match, the eternal spitfire that Kent told him. It was hard for him to enter that speed force, too. Before he did, he asked Barry to tell you how much he loves you. I know this is hard for you, but you have to let him go and live your life. Wally would want you to do that."
She kept silent. Wally would have wanted that for her. But she couldn't find the guts to let go of her first love, and continue the life she had. She can't do it.
The both of them are silent on the way to Palo Alto. Dick would steal concerned glances at her from time to time, but she would ignore it. She appreciates her friend's concern for her well-being, but she just couldn't stomach the fact that Wally is going to marry her.
She made her conclusion that she needs to stop thinking of what could have been and focus on what could be. She's living in the past, refusing to stick to the present. Everything she focuses on, has long been said and done.
As soon as they reached Palo Alto, Artemis started to walk rapidly up the steps and to the door. But Dick followed her anyway. She opened the door and fell down on her knees on the living room carpet.
"He died a hero, Artemis." Dick consoled her, with his hand around her shoulders and his face close in proximity to hers.
"I know that. But he also died, leaving me behind. He's all that I have. He's the only light I have in my life, and- and he's taken away now." She cried, burying herself into Dick's chest. Right now, he's only thing closer to Wally than she could ever have.
"It'll all pass, Artemis. I promise you that."
She appreciates all the efforts that Dick made on comforting her, but it's just not Wally. And that alone is never enough for her. It may be too much to ask, but all she needs is Wally. Just him.
"No, Dick. You don't know what it's like losing someone you've loved so much to the point where it hurts you inside out. You don't know what it's like to be so physically and emotionally exhausted, and you just want to cry all day, but you can't because there's a world to save. You don't know how all the fragments of him is still in the air and I can't do anything to escape it. Believe me, I've tried millions of ways on forgetting him but I always end up brokenhearted and tired all over again. I still feel him, Dick! I still feel Wally everywhere. In my skin, in my bones, in this place." She gasped for air and held on tightly to Dick's shoulder. "I can feel his absence everywhere. And I'm left here wishing that I could have just gone to the speed force with him."
She feels Dick tighten his arm around her shoulders, she didn't mind. She feels the solace, but not the satisfaction. And as she holds on to Dick, she finally realized that there may be seven billion people in the world, but Artemis could only find herself loving only one person. That very same person who gave light to her life, who showed her the true meaning of "living", and to giving her the chance to be free of who she thinks she is. There will only be one room in her heart for Wallace West, and will never change.