Bitter truth be told, he was lonely.
He had been lonely his whole life so far. Nobody knew him at all, nobody knew what he was thinking and feeling deep within his heart. He just realized this after coming to Kyoto.
After strolling aimlessly through the dark streets in the chilly spring night, he finally stopped at a bridge of the kamo river. He didn´t know what to do now.
There was no person he could call a friend indeed. He had no such special bonds to someone like Heisuke, Sano and Shinpachi had to each other. They were always togehter, having fun and talking about whatever crossed their mind. For him, there was not such person who he could talk freely and share his feelings with.
There was Hajime. But even if that what they shared would be some kind of friendship, he just couldn´t be himself at all.
He only had bad memories about the few moments when he was speaking with his whole heart and didn´t hide his true feelings. Everyone around him had been more or less startled and the person he admired most had even seemed to be sad.
So he closed his heart.
He didn´t want Kondo-san to be sad because of him. So he tried to hide his feelings the best as he could. Despite his loneliness he was also unable to feel real joy in his life. There was nothing for him except sword fighting. Neither he was inspired by books such as Kondo-san and Yamanami-san nor was he fond of the art of sword smithing like Hajime was. He was also bored to death by teaching in the dojo.
There was nothing that touched his heart.
He liked to play with the children from the neighborhood, because he didn´t have to play-act when he was with them and they didn´t judge everything what he was doing or saying.
Back in Edo he had always much fun with Tama. At the day of her birth, he was relieved deep inside when hearing that the newborn was a baby girl. Sharing Kondo-san with that idiot Hijikata was enough to bear with it. After a few months it appeared that Tama-chan had a strong dislike for Hijikata. She whined and screamed everytime he was around. Once she even posseted his Yukata. That baby girl was so smart and from this day on she was Soujis closest ally.
Sighing he threw a peeple into the stream and watched it to be swallod by the dark water in a twinkling. Suddenly he shivered from the chilly wind of the night.
Ever since they had come to Kyoto his feelings were getting more and more gloomy. Unlike their time in Edo, he now had to put up with Hijikatas presence all day and night. In the past he always had hoped for a change when he would become an adult. With each passing year he had been eagerly waiting for the time he would take Hijikatas place. Now he had to realize that this time would never come. Being stucked into the role of the little brother, it hurt all the more to see how deep the friendship between these two were.
Suddenly he heard the clattling sounds of geta coming nearer. Somebody with a latern approached from the street of the right side of the river. Hopefully Souji glanced at the person, just to recognize a stranger he has never seen before. Probably a samurai on his way home after visiting the red district nearby Souji guessed as the man passed him, leaving a smell of sweet parfume and too much sake behind. A few minutes later the light of the lantern was gone and the sound of the getas felt silent.
This night truely was the peak of his loneliness. Nobody spoke up for him and neither did anyone try to follow him. To top it...
„You´re acting strange lately, Souji..."
Heisuke had agreed with Hijikata... Had his thoughts really been so weird for all the other guys? Was it weird that he seeked to do the things for which they had come to Kyoto in the first place? To do what he had been prepared and trained for his whole life as a warrior? What was the meaning in handling a weapon you would never use in an actual combat? What was the meaning in standing back when a bounch of ronin capturing the city.
As far as it concerned Souji, there wasn´t any meaning in this. Apart from this he was eagerly waiting for the moment when he would be able to complete a battle to the very end.
There had been one moment in the past... If Kondo-san hadn´t stopped him, he would have continued after the first hit. He would have attackd again and again until he would have slashed his opponent´s head with his Bokken. There had been nothing more in him than this sole wish: to defeat his opponent for one and all, not just for a training battle. The drive for figthing until the very end had lasted on, but he learned to control it. But in Kyoto it was harder and harder for him to fight this urge within him.
There was no other way for him.
He wanted to kill.
Nobody seemed to understand that, least of all Hijikata. Souji hated him with all his heart. He wouldn´t go back to Edo. If it would ever happen, he would been send as corpse.
What should he do there anyway? He wanted to stay right here by Kondo-sans side. Hijikata couldn´t take this from him away.
There hadn´t been a living soul at the bridge or the nearby streets since a long time. Kyoto, a city which was still unknown to him, was sleeping and left him lonely behind.
He knew he had to go back to Mibu in some time. There was no other place for him to go. He knew the reason that he hadn´t already gone back and instead was watching the stars above him and the moon in the riverwater under him, was a simple one. It was the same reason why he had snapped a few hours ago and had been runing away in the first place.
He was afraid.
He was afraid that Kondo-san would agree with Hijikata and would send him away. Kondo-san had been reluctant to take him to Kyoto anyway and even tried to convince him to stay back in Edo. His reasons weren´t clear for Souji. Everyone else had been expected to join the journey to Kyoto, why should he be the only one staying behind? It must have been Hijikatas doing after all.
The more he thought about it, the more he recognized that he could never win against this man. He would always been on the loosing side. But Souji wouldn´t let Hijikata win easily.
He had to stay with Kondo-san, no matter what. There was no other meaning in his life.
He decided to go back and face his fear.
„Souji!"
His heart jumped in joy as soon as he heard the familiar voice. So Kondo-san had been looking for him after all. Relieved, Souji turned around. Seeing Kondo-sans concerned expression, he made a decision.
He would close his heart even more and also suppress his feelings. Even if he could be never his real self at all and even if he would be lonely for good...
His decision would make Kondo-san happy.
And for Souji, that was all that mattered .
Owari
Sorry for my bad english. I wrote this after watching Hakuoki Reimeiroku last summer.