Sometimes, as much as I wish I didn't, I miss him.
When I do, I think of the way he'd come home, all happy and tired at the same time. Nathan and Alex, as brothers, would do the natural routine that they'd picked up when they were kids and would march up to him and stand in front of him saluting him. Though, often they never got the chance to salute because he'd start to chase them around the house and when he caught them he'd sit on the both of them until they pleaded with all their might for him to get up.
When mum was alive, I'd love the way he'd enter the house and swoop her off her feet and kiss her dearly. Fake disgust would cross our faces and we'd complain about the sight of them kissing in front of us and he'd say, "One day you'll find that one who'll care for you and you'll have ugly ducklings. Although, you wouldn't care because you'd do anything to be with them." Mum would smile, kissing him tenderly and we'd throw anything at them and yell at them to get a room, quickly.
For the first hour or so, I'd hide myself avoiding him at all costs. As badly as I'd want to go downstairs and hug the life out of him, I wouldn't. I miss that, the way it feels when he hugs me with his large fatherly arms. Sitting in my room I'd listen to the ongoing conversation between the family that could be heard from my room and I'd wait for the loud thump of black leather boots to reach my room. Relief would cross his face as soon as he saw that I was completely fine and I'd imagine all the worry my behaviour would have caused him during his trip. Tears would flow in his eyes, but he'd cover it up with a half-hearted smile and he'd ask any questions to distract me from that.
Love, it's what he had when she was here. Dad was never the one to re-marry. In my mind he became Mark and that'd what I'd refer to him as. Strong, tough and cheerful Dad was replaced by sullen and neglected Mark. No one noticed but I did. Not one person looked at him differently, I did. Everyone thought he was taking more and more shifts each day because he wanted to help the army, as a good Australian would do. I noticed the reasons though.
When you're neglected and sullen, you either notice the others like you or you ignore them and pretend to act normal, as if nothing had ever changed or happened to them. Every time he arrived back home, he noticed me. Every time I see him or glimpse him in photos before and after the day, I notice how different he is to me. Sometimes you either befriend the people in your life to get both back to normal or you distance yourself and try to get away from any bad emotion. Mark tried t befriend me; to get me away from what he was feeling as much as he could. I distanced myself from all bad things. I didn't want to have a person exactly like me in my life.
I miss my father, I don't want to but I do. Every day I await the day that an officer would come and tell us that he's gone. He risks his life everyday and it's not for our country but for her.
He only tries to save me because in his eyes I look exactly like my mother; I am exactly like her in every way.