Chapter 1 – Kintsukurui

Everything started when Harriet quoted Socrates. No, my bad, it started before with a stalker and his lawyer.

We were spending a perfect week in the farm with Harriet but it was ending. We had to go back to Seattle. Harriet was staying with his dad and I was going to New York. The farm did me so well. When I was alone in the city, I felt frustrated all the time. That's probably why I had been trying to find something to work on, trying to find a purpose in my life. Here instead I could be watching the sunset with my daughter, feeling fulfilled. Nature is just so overwhelming, what else could you possibly need?

Dad came and told me someone was there for me. I wasn't expecting anyone. I don't know why but I thought it was Owen.

When I entered the house, I was a mess. I have been working all day with Harriet. I didn't recognize the guest. A handsome man in a suit. I introduced myself.

"I'm April Kepner. Were you looking for me? I don't think we had met before."

I didn't know what he was doing there so when he introduced himself and told me he was a lawyer, I was more and more clueless.

He told me he was there in name of an anonymous donor who wanted to give me a fund to manage, for medical research. As soon as he told me, I didn't let him continue and interrupted him.

"Wait. Wait. Wait. Why me? Who is he? How'd you find me? Anyways, I don't deal with anonymous donors, I had a bad experience before and I feel I'm being tricked. I need to know whose money it is," I said.

"My client was afraid you'll say that. My client had followed your work with the trauma training program for the military…"

"In that case, he should contact Dr. Owen Hunt, Dr. Megan Hunt and Dr. Riggs. They are currently running the program."

"Yes, I know. You're still in charge of the network of trauma surgeons for catastrophe's situations and the foldable O.R. project for emergency's situation is now run by Engineer Sterling. Dr. Altman and Dr. Torres now run the O'Malley Center for those injured in war where veterans and refugees get free attention. I know you had worked on all these projects and you left after they were working fully. That's what my client wants you to do with this fund for OI research," he said.

I believed he was talking to the wrong person until he mentioned OI. It couldn't be a coincidence. I was intrigued.

"It's your client some kind of stalker? Here, this is my lawyer's card. You can talk to her and if everything adds up to her, I'll consider it," I said.

After the guest left, I went to find Harriet. She and dad were taking care of the pigs.

"Did you know your mom did exactly the same thing?" my dad was asking Harriet.

"What did I do?"

"You name a pig after dad?" Harriet asked.

Harriet and I had just returned to Seattle after visiting my family. I left her at Jackson's apartment and went home. As I entered the house I thought in the appointment that I had with my psychologist. I have been trying many things, Yoga classes, Mindfulness, therapy and so on. I was always finding ways to be useful, to be occupied, and to be doing something. Everything but being alone with myself felling empty.

I didn't expend a lot of time here so it didn't feel like home at all. I've already had a plan to leave again. I was going to New York to visit Arizona and her family. Now I had a project for Arizona and Dr. Herman, or so I thought.

I was on the plane thinking about the conversation I just had on the phone with Harriet. I couldn't believe she's already turned eight. At the same time, I couldn't believe she was just eight years old. She had just quoted me Socrates. Socrates!

Did she forget I was the mother and she was the daughter? However, it was our fault. Jackson and I had given her enough material for her to turn into a psychologist.

"Why are you surprised that traveling does you no good, when you travel in your own company? The thing that weighs on your mind is the same as what drove you from home."

That was the quote. My psychologist would be proud of her.

She called me to ask for my recipe, my magic soup so that she could cook it for Jackson.

"He's not feeling well, but of course he won't admit it. When I told him he should stay home, he brought up the fact that I'm eight years old and he is a doctor. Can you believe it?" she asked.

I couldn't believe she wasn't a tiny human anymore but this tiny adult. When did she grow up?

"I believe more in your medical judgment, honey. He only takes days off for fun not because he needs them," I said.

Arizona was waiting for me at the airport. While we were going to the Robbins-Herman Center for Women's Health, we had our talk about parenting.

"You know Sofia set us up to get back together. I wouldn't be surprised if Harriet wants her parents to be together," Arizona said.

"Maybe. I don't know. I thought it would be different with Harriet, because she wouldn't miss us together, considering we were already divorced when she was born."

The Center was impressive, it wasn't the first time I visited it. I was so proud of my friend.

"I don't know if I've told you this enough but you're amazing," I told Arizona.

"You do. You're the most supportive friend anyone can wish for and you're the most amazing human being yourself, always finding new ways to help. You never stop. The alias they gave you at the Army was right on spot. You're The Machine. I just wish you'd put yourself first sometime," she said.

"That's your way of saying you want me to find someone that makes me as happy as Callie makes you?" I asked.

"Pretty much. It's time you move on."

"I had moved on, remember? I married Matthew," I said and we laughed.

"You shouldn't joke with that," Arizona said.

"I know. I'm gonna rot in hell. Meredith hasn't had anything serious after Derek and if I remember correctly, you weren't pretty encouraging with Nathan back then. You told him that Derek was epic, that they were the great love story and that it never occurred to you that she would be with someone else," I said.

"That's not fair. Derek died. Jackson can't be your great love story if you weren't his."

"I'm over Jackson. I hurt him and he couldn't forgive me even though I begged him, I tried my best but he couldn't love me back and he ended up hurting me. That was it for us. He loved Maggie, not me. I don't want him. Our friendship is over because of it. I couldn't forgive him just as he couldn't forgive me."

"Yes, but you're young and beautiful and you deserve your great love story," she said.

"Please?! Think about it. It doesn't get more epic than someone standing up at your wedding and ending dating his step-sister after your divorce, while you end marrying the person you left at the altar. Really, if I heard the story on a talk show I wouldn't buy it, no matter how great at acting they could be. I would pity them because their job sucks. People watching could only laugh at it because… come on! How in hell did that happen?"

"And you're forgetting something, that the person you married had just two months ago became widowed. People will be asking themselves if the people working on the show are on drugs. Are you sure you are on good terms with God?" she asked me.

"You're so funny but yes, I'm on good terms with Him but clearly I'm not on good terms with myself. You can ask Harriet about it."

We laughed so much. Something was odd with Arizona, I couldn't quite tell what…

"But what we just described wasn't an epic love story. It was an epic failure. I just want you to be happy again. I guessed I want you to have what I have cause I love you and because ours love stories somehow looked a lot alike. We both hurt our loved ones, we tried to fix it but we couldn't and then perfect Penny and perfect Maggie happened and all seemed lost. I found love again and you should too," Arizona said.

Ok. Something was certainly wrong.

"You know that in that scenario I would end up with Jackson? I made the same mistake twice with Matthew. It's not going to happened twice with Jackson, I don't love him anymore," I said.

Arizona was gonna say something but she didn't.

"We should add the best friend with similar love story to the talk-show. The more unreal the better," Arizona said.

We were laughing again when I got a call from Harriet.

"Do you remember Lucy?" Harriet asked me.

Of course, I remembered. Lucy was our family dog at the farm. We had to put it to rest when the vet told us there was nothing we could do to improve its health. Arizona was texting as we spoke.

"Yeah, honey," I said.

"I think we should put dad to rest," Harriet said.

I didn't think laughing was the right answer to that. I just couldn't help it. How did she come up with these ideas? I didn't know.

"It doesn't work that way with humans, you know. Is he that bad? Isn't Aunt Maggie around? Do you want me to call Catherine or Richard?" I asked Harriet.

When I hung up the phone, Arizona was looking at me with a funny face.

"I know she want us back. Does it ever gets easier?" I asked Arizona.

"No, it doesn't. They get smarter and smarter until they are smarter than you are."

I hadn't told Arizona about the project yet. I didn't know why but I was feeling that Harriet wasn't the only one pushing me back to Jackson.

"It's nothing really, but what brought me here, to you, it's a… I don't know if this is the proper way to call him but it's a secret admirer," I said.

"What? Tell me. Tell me!" she said.

It was a little over the top, even for her. Did she know?

"A lawyer came to visit me at the farm to offer me someone's money for OI research and I thought that if I'm doing it, I'm doing it with you. This lawyer was so hot! The good news is that I probably will have to see him again because of this project. So who knows, maybe this leads to my great love story."

She made a face, as if she was trying to figure out if I was being serious.

"So, are you up to the project? If it's not the right time for you, I can delay it or just tell them to find someone else. I'm in it with you or I'm not in it at all," I told her.

"I think you should talk with Jackson."

I didn't know where that came from.

"What for?" I asked.

"I'm in, whenever you want me for your project, but I think you should finally get a closure with Jackson. You should talk to him like you talk to me. He used to be your friend and now you only share Harriet. You two need to get your shit together."

"He stopped talking to me like he used to do and somewhere along the way I stopped too. When we were breaking apart, what it was important for me to hear from him, was not was he was up to speak. Later, when we were just co-parenting, what he was willing to speak with me started to mean nothing to me. It felt so empty, so meaningless. It made me feel mean and an ugly person. Probably, cause I'm," I said.

"Don't say that. You were just feeling broken."

I called Catherine to go check on Harriet and Jackson and I booked a ticket to Seattle. I spent a beautiful time at Arizona's. Sofia was growing so fast and we caught up with Callie. Somehow, every time I was about to board a plane, people found profound subjects to make me think. First, it was Harriet with Socrates and now it was Callie.

"When you feel broken, remember this word: Kintsukuroi. It's the Japanese art of repairing pottery with gold or silver. The flaw is part of the object's history and it is precisely that what makes it beautiful," Callie said out of the blue. We were talking about her job and when we heard it was boarding time, she said that.

I stared at her while she said goodbye and walked away. It couldn't be a coincidence, right? The OI research opportunity from an anonymous donor and people around me behaving like fortune cookies.

Hours later, I was ringing at Jackson's apartment and I didn't know what to expect. Harriet, Arizona and Callie were up to something and they left me out. Was Jackson a part of this plan or he was unaware of what our daughter was plotting.