Giving Up on Love
By Angelenna Charm
Playlist for the song:
Rascal Flatts – What Hurts the Most
Kelly Clarkson - Cry
Josh Gracin – Let me Fall
Evenance – My Immortal
Jonas Brothers Featuring Miley Cryus – Before the Storm
AN: This one shot is very personal to me because though it is based on fiction, parts of it are true. This deals with abuse, and trauma, it is not for the faint of heart. It came to me while my iPod was just playing and the Rascal Flatts song What Hurts the Most came on. It was like it was calling me to write it, and I will say that if you are not above the ago of 17 I don't think you should read it, but like I tell everyone else, you have your own mind, you can decided for yourself if you want to read this or not. Please review if you read it and let me know what you think.
It had been three years since she had been home, or was it four? Who really kept count when you were living your 'dream' these days anyway? She didn't really even want to come home, but it was like a siren calling her back.
"Don't forget me, Bella." He said softly. "I'll be waiting for you to come home to me, and home to us."
She looked into his summer grass eyes and felt a tear slip from her eye. She wanted to remember this moment for the rest of her life; for she knew that she wasn't going to come back to him. Who found their true love at twelve while being dragged by your older brother to his friends' house to play a role playing game? "I'll never forget you, Edward," she said softly. "but if you meet a girl that you can fall in love with, don't hesitate to fall. I just want you to be happy."
He took her into his arms and nuzzled her nose with his. "Oh sweetheart, how could I not wait for you?" he asked her. "You are my everything, my happiness, sadness, hope, and love, you are everything that I hold dear, and you mean the universe to me. I may never have told you this before now, but I love you sweetheart, never forget that."
She sighed knowing that she would remember this moment always. "I won't." she leaned up and kissed him quickly. "I have to go." She said knowing that she didn't have much more control to keep her tears at bay. She knew she loved him, but it made no sense for him to love her, she wasn't even in his league. He was beautiful, clever, and had his pick of every girl around, who was she to deny the other girls a chance to have him.
As she began to walk away from him she turned and yelled. "EDWARD!" he was watching her. "PROMISE ME SOMETHING?"
"ANYTHING LOVE." He called back to her.
"PROMISE ME YOU'LL DATE, AND GIVE THEM A CHANCE!"
"BUT-"
"NO, NO BUTS EDWARD, DO THIS FOR ME!"
His head hung down for a moment, and then he looked up and she was sure that she saw tears in his eyes. "I'll do it for you, but only for you." He said so softly that she was actually surprised that she had heard him.
"Thank you." She said back softly and continued to walk out of his life.
The cab pulled up to her father's house and she sighed. She slowly got out of the cab and grabbed her bag walking to the house. Knowing that the door would be unlocked, she opened the door and walked in. Her father was at Carlisle and Esme's getting everything set for the weekend. This weekend was going to be huge for the small town of Forks, the inns were already booked, and the diner that she used to go with Edward and their friends was packed as she rode past it to Charlie's.
She closed the front door and walked into the house. Looking around, she noticed that nothing had really changed; Charlie's recliner was still in that corner facing the television with the horrible attempt of a blanket that she had made him ten years ago. God, that thing is just ghastly. She thought to herself with a smile. The fact that both her, and Charlie knew that thing looked like it was thrown up on didn't stop him from displaying it.
Slowly she turned to the stairway and began her climb up them to her old bedroom. How was she ever going to be able to handle this? She shouldn't have come home, she should have just stayed in Savannah with her cousin like she wanted, but she had made her decision before she found out what this weekend was; stupid Charlie for not telling her until yesterday.
She reached her bedroom and taking a deep breath, opened the door. Looking inside the room, she was bombarded with memories of them. Edward sneaking into the room when Charlie was sleeping downstairs, their first kiss took place right there on that window sill, and their first fight, that took place right there on her bed when they were fourteen. She felt the tears falling from her eyes and sat on her bed. She couldn't help it, she knew coming back here was going to be painful, but did it have to hurt so damn much?
As she sat there on her bed taking in all her memories, she heard the front door open. Charlie was the only one that knew that she was coming home, so when she heard someone walking around downstairs she decided that she should head down there and greet her father. She had arrived a bit early due to her flight was overbooked so they had given her an earlier flight that was non-stop for her trouble. She came down the stairs slowly, knowing that if she took the stairs the ways that Emmet used to when they were younger she would end up in the hospital for falling down them.
She reached the living room, but didn't see Charlie. She listened for a moment and heard the refrigerator open. Knowing that he must be getting a beer she made her way into the kitchen with a small smile on her face. He was completely in the fridge, looking for what she assumed was his beer. "You know dad, if you stay in there much longer you're going to be eaten by that damn thing." She laughed.
The moment she said the words, the person in the fridge stopped doing what it was that they were doing and froze. She laughed at him knowing that he hadn't expected her until tonight, so she spoke again. "I got an earlier flight because they overbooked me. I thought I would surprise you."
Just then as if it were done in slow motion, the person in the fridge began to come out of it. First she saw a pair of dark washed blue jeans that were not like the pants that her father wore, then the white t-shirt, that fit his form like a second skin. As his head came up first she noticed his bronze hair that no one else had, and then his summer green eyes. Her gasp surprised her. "Edward…" she breathed, feeling her head start to become light headed. She reached for the counter so that she wouldn't fall.
He didn't say anything, just stared at her with shock in his eyes. As she tried to collect herself she kept her eyes on the countertop. "What- what are you doing here?" she asked him.
He watched her for a moment as if she wasn't real, and then asked. "What are you doing here Isabella?"
"I came home to see my father." She said softly. "No one was supposed to know I was here."
"I watch the afternoon game with Charlie every Saturday. I was just seeing if I needed to pick up beer."
"Oh." She said dumbly. "Well, I guess I should get out of your hair then. I'll just go run down to the basement and then I'll be out of your way." She said softly. He nodded, and as she made her way to the basement, she turned back and said softly. "I heard congratulations were in order. I'm sure Tanya and you will be very hap- happy together." Her voice broke on happy, but she didn't care.
She opened the basement door, ran down the stairs thanking god that she didn't fall down the stairs, went to where Charlie held the hard liquor and grabbed a bottle of the Jack Daniels old number seven that she had sent Charlie and headed back upstairs. Reaching the kitchen, Edward was nowhere in sight, so she placed the bottle on the counter, went to the cabinet and pulled down a large glass, put that on the counter and then headed to the fridge. She saw the coke sitting on the top shelf and grabbed that out and after putting it on the counter went into the freezer and grabbed the ice and shoved as much as she could into her glass. She made herself a Jack and coke; well to be honest it was Jack with a small splash of coke, then decided that it wasn't going to be enough and grabbed a shot glass from the display case and poured her a shot.
She held the glass up and sighed. "Here's to being a stupid bitch and coming home." And she downed her shot. She looked at the empty shot glass, sighed and poured another shot drinking that one down as well. She put the shot glass in her jeans pocket, put the cap on the Jack bottle, and grabbed both the Jack and her drink and started heading into the living room. She looked in and saw Edward sitting on the couch looking at her. With a sad smile, she lifted her glass towards him. "Here's to being in the last place expected." And she started drinking down her drink.
Edward looked at her. "What are you doing?" he asked with shock in his voice.
She laughed at him. "What's it look like?" she finished her glass and then placed it on the table. Reaching into her pocket she pulled out the shot glass and poured herself another shot. "I'm drinking myself into a stupor."
"You don't drink."
"HA!" She laughed Bitterly. "And you don't marry." She said downing the next shot. "Hey! Since you're here and I'm here how about we just get drunk and then pretend that this didn't happen. I'll book a flight back to Savannah tomorrow morning and you can marry that tramp Tanya, and I won't have to pretend that I support it." Did I just say that? She thought to herself, but then shook it off knowing that she could blame her old friend Jack for the slip up.
"I don't drink." He said flatly. "And the amount of alcohol that you have already had seems to have been enough to have an effect on your judgment."
She looked him straight in the eyes and sighed. "I'm going to say something to you, and then I am going to go up those stairs right over there and go into my room."
He looked back into her slightly glazed over eyes but noticed that as she spoke they cleared. "Okay."
She took in a large breath. "I don't care who you marry, I don't care if you still love me, and I don't care if you think that I am hurting because you are going to marry Tanya on Sunday. All I care about right now is knowing that this is all MY fault. If I would have just owned up to myself that Jacob wasn't the man for me like I had known this never would have happened. We would be married and possibly happy. I truly wish that she is what will make you happy, Edward, and I say this with all the love in my torn and broken heart. Actually here." She said taking off a sliver chain from around her neck and giving it to him. "This doesn't belong to me any longer, you had given it to me to remember our love and I didn't, so give it to someone that will. Give it to Tanya; at least she'll treat it the way that I used to." With that Bella grabbed the shot glass and ran up the stairs.
0*0*0*0*0*0*0
It was about eight thirty at night and Charlie had left with Edward to go to dinner at the Cullen's'. Edward didn't even inform him that I was home, and I didn't make an appearance. I had sat up in my room and drank away my sorrows thinking about Edward and all that I had given up with I married Jacob thinking that it was what I had really wanted. I had sat at my desk and cried, then took a shot and cried some more. Finally she stood from her desk, letter in her hand, and sighed. "He needs to know." She said softly to herself picking up her phone and dialing the one person that she knew would pick up and do this last thing for her.
The phone on the other end rang twice before his familiar voice answered. "Bella?"
"Emmet, I need you to call Edward and tell him to go to Dad's. I have to give him something."
"Bella, you're home?" he said shocked.
"Emmet, please, I'm really drunk right now, and not good company, I just need to give him something. Please do this for me."
Emmet sighed through the phone. "I don't know Bella, he's getting married on Sunday, I don't think seeing you is a good idea."
"He's already seen me, Emmet. He knows I'm at Dad's, and he also knows that I'm not staying." She paused. "I can't stay." She whispered. "He's not my home anymore." Tears were streaming down her face, but she knew that Emmet couldn't tell. "Please do this one thing for me Emmet, please."
Emmet sighed again knowing that he was going to do it. "Alright Bella, I'm going to do this for you only because I know you wouldn't ask unless it was that important to you."
"Thanks Emmet." And she hung up with him. She put the letter in an envelope and wrote his name across it. She headed downstairs and walked out to the porch and sat on the swing bench.
It took him almost an hour to get there. Knowing that it was going to be a life changing moment taking place stopped him from running to her, but he was there now, in her driveway making his way up to her porch. He saw her sleeping on the swing clutching an envelope in her left hand as if it was her lifeline. He walked over to her and saw his name on it. He slowly took it from her hand, walked to the lamp light and opened it.
Edward,
To think that I am writing to you after never once responding to your letters. I want to tell you what happened. I got married to Jacob. Ha! Sorry but the humor in it is still there for me. He was what I deserved you know. You were never what I deserved; you were too good for me, that's why I left. I never planned on coming back, I couldn't look at you knowing that I loved you like I did and know that you needed more than I could ever give you.
Jacob and I met when I first moved to Savannah. He was my neighbor and he was unlike anything that I had ever met before. He was smart, funny, attractive, and everything that I didn't want. He reminded me of you if I were to have been honest with myself back then. He made me feel special, lifted me from the black fog that had entered my life when I left you; if only I had known then what I do now.
We were married about six months ago. If I had known that I wasn't marrying the man that I thought I was then I don't think I would have done it. The moment I said 'I do', I signed my life to a man that had it in his head that I was a possession that needed a firm hand. As if I were a horse that needed to be broken of their wild ways. Our first night as man and wife ended in blood and tears.
The beatings went on every day or so. It depended on if I had his list done or if he came home in a bad mood, sometimes he's do it just to remind me that I belonged to him. This went on until a week ago.
I stayed with him because I felt that this was what I deserved. Wasn't I the one that left the one person that knew me for the woman that I was? How could I not deserve what happened? I had allowed myself into the situation, I should have noticed it in her behavior, but I didn't. I ended up pregnant four months into our marriage. I had found out ten days ago. When I found out it was like my world shattered. How could I bring a child into this life, why would I want to? I had decided that moment that I was going to leave him. I packed my bags, emptied our bank account, and was heading out the door when he walked in.
I told him that I was done being his punching bag, and that I was going home. He had heard from my doctor that I was pregnant which was why he had rushed home. Turned out, he didn't want children ever. He beat me until I was on deaths door, and left me there. The neighbor heard what was going on and called the police, but by then it didn't matter, the baby was gone. I was in the hospital for seven days. I called Charlie and begged him not to tell anyone, Emmet doesn't even know, and made arrangements to come here. That was how I found out about you getting married.
I just wanted you to know, because no matter what, I am not the girl I used to be. I can't. I don't even know who she is anymore. I want you to marry Tanya; I know she will make you happy. I just hope she can be everything to you that I never could have been. I loved you then Edward, when we said goodbye, and I love you now, but I know that we wouldn't have worked, you were just always too good for me. Please be happy with your life. That's all I ask.
Isabella.
He couldn't believe what it was that he was reading. He looked over at her again, and studied her face in the lamp light. It was puffy in spots, but she didn't look hurt. He walked over to her and reached to pick her up. The moment his skin touched her, her eyes flew open and she went to strike him. "Bella, it's me, it's Edward, calm down."
She stared at him for a minute making sure that it was him, and then sighed. "Sorry." She whispered rising from the porch swing. "I didn't think you were going to show."
"I almost didn't." he said softly. "But Emmet made it sound like I really didn't have a choice, and Emmet never asks me to do anything so I felt I owed him at least me coming here one more time."
"Did you get my letter?" she asked staring at her feet.
"I did." He sighed. "Let's go inside and talk Bella."
She nodded and followed him into the house. "Where is my dad?" she asked him as she walked into the kitchen and grabbed a glass of ice water.
"He's crashing at my parents' house. They had too much to drink." He laughed. "If I never see Charlie drunk again it will be too soon."
"Yeah dad is something else when it comes to too much beer." She smiled.
They sat down on the couch. She was staring down at her feet, he was staring at her. "Bella, we need to talk about this." He said softly.
"I know…" she said back softly. "I don't want your pity Edward. I didn't tell you for it, I told you because at one time you and I were best friends, and lovers. You needed to know. Jacob broke what little bit of my heart that I had left." She sighed finally making eye contact with Edward.
"But you could have had me, why didn't you just take the love I offered you in the first place?" he asked her.
Bella sighed. "Because Edward, it never made sense for you to love me. You must have known that. I tried so damn hard to make you see that, but you had tunnel vision. I won't sit here and tell you lies of that I don't love you, because I do love you; that was never the question. I loved you enough to allow myself to give you what you deserved, and let's be honest it was never me…"
Edward couldn't hold the rage that was within his mind and erupted. "Who the hell do you think you are?" he exclaimed. "Last I checked I had control over my own damn heart, Isabella!"
He stood from the couch then and looked at her, really looked at her. He didn't see the young girl that he had fallen in love with all those years ago, instead he was the shell of the woman she could have been. Her face when he had first saw her this afternoon was carefully made up, but now looking at her, the make-up was smeared and he could see the bruises that covered her cheek and jaw, the cut at her hairline that he knew was going to leave a scar. Her long sleeved shirt had the sleeves pulled up in typical Bella fashion, which told him that it was out of habit, but he was able to make out the handprint bruises that were caused by her husband. She was twiddling with her shirt hem like she did whenever they fought, showing a sliver of her stomach which sported yet another bruise. He inhaled a breath taking her in completely. She truly was a mess, and he knew it.
"Look Edward, I told you so that you wouldn't feel guilty for being happy moving on. You have to be happy. One of us deserves to be happy, and let's just call it like it is for once; you're the one that needs to do the living. I can't do it anymore." She looked up into his eyes, the tears were there though she refused to allow them to fall, but that wasn't what scared him. What scared him was the fact that her deep expressive chocolate eyes were a void. There was no emotion there at all. Like she wasn't there anymore. "I am going to be leaving in a couple of days, and you don't have to worry about me coming to your wedding, because I'm not going." She stood and extended her hand to him. "I wish you the best of luck in your marriage to Tanya. May you both be happy with each other."
Edward stared at her for a moment. "So this is what we are reduced to, simple strangers and a handshake goodbye?" he asked her.
"What would you like me to do Edward? Get down on my knees and beg for you to understand, to wish for me to be the one that you are marrying, to be the woman that shares your bed for the rest of my and your life? I won't do it. I cannot do it. I've been selfish for a while now, and I'm going to the unselfish thing for once, and that's letting you walk out that door without feeling like you need to stay because of our past. If I've learned anything from my experiences these last few years it's that you only have the hand you're dealt with, it's your job to make the best of it. Turns out I just had a junk hand. I threw out the four aces for a shit hand. I'll live, now why don't you do the same. Live Edward, and I mean that. Go marry the girl you love and be happy, I'm sure she loves you just as much as you love her."
"Bella…"
"No Edward, don't do this, be happy for yourself, and don't worry about me, I'll be alright." She turned from him and headed for the stairs. As she made her way she stopped and turned. Staring at Edward she sighed. "And the reason I didn't hug you goodbye was because I wouldn't have let go, just so you know. I can only torment myself so much, and looking at you right now, seeing you look just like the way you did when I left it tormenting enough." She turned back to the stairs and began climbing back up them. "Goodbye my love…" she whispered softly and walked into her bedroom.
She had Kept her promise and not contacted him. He was due to get married in three hours, and he couldn't shake the doubts inside his head. Her parting words were screaming inside his head. "Go marry the girl you love and be happy, I'm sure she loves you just as much as you love her."
The words continued to run through his head without stopping, making him question himself. He didn't know what it was about that that held him on the verge of indecision, but he was thankful that he had heard them, and seen her one last time. Just then his father walked into the room where Edward was putting on his tuxedo. Edward looked over at his father knowing that he needed his wisdom now more than ever before. "Dad." He sighed, his head hung in defeat.
"Edward, son what is it?" he asked walking over to his son.
"Dad, its Bella."
"Bella?"
"Yeah, I saw her, and she brought back all the feelings I've had for her."
His father looked at him and sighed. "I was afraid that this was going to happen. When did you go to Savannah?" he asked him.
"I didn't, and how did you know she was in Savannah?"
"Edward, I've always known where she was, I knew when she married Jacob, and from how I understand it, she's happily married. She said that she didn't want you to know because she didn't want to hurt you."
"You've spoken to her?" he asked.
"Yes about a month ago. She called out of the blue and asked about her father, and we talked for a little while. She asked how you were, and I told her that you were good, that you were engaged to be married to Tanya, and she informed me that she was married to a wonderful man that took really good care of her. Made her feel like she was right where she was supposed to be and treated the way that she was meant to be treated."
Edward stared at his father for a long moment and then bitterly laughed. "She was treated the way that she thought she deserved alright." He said.
"What do you mean?" his father asked him.
Edward looked at his father and the tears began to slide down his face. "Dad, Bella was beaten. She was pregnant, and he beat her so bad she lost the baby."
His father hugged his son. "I'm sorry to hear that Edward."
"I know dad, but that isn't all that's bothering me. I mean, I love Tanya, I do, but I don't love her like I love Bella, I don't think I'm capable of it."
"What are you telling me son."
Edward took a deep breath. "Dad is it wrong to marry a girl that you love knowing that your heart will always belong to another no matter how hard you try and get it back?"
His father looked at him sadly. "Edward that is something you are going to have to ask yourself. If I were you though I would decide that quickly, you're supposed to get married today." He let his son go. "I want you to know though, that no matter what it is that you decide to do, your family will always support your decisions. Remember that you have only yourself to answer to in the end, and though someone may be hurt with the decision that you make you need to do what's best for you. No one else can fault you on that." And with that his father walked out of the room in search for is wife to inform her of Edwards' situation.
She stood there at their tree, running her fingers down where they had carved their names. She felt the tears cascading down her face, and for once she knew that it didn't matter is she wiped them away, no one would see them anyway. She sighed as she sat at the base of the tree and shut her eyes.
How could one girl allow herself to be so swept up in self doubt that she allowed herself to talk her into leaving the one good thing in her life? What hurt the most for her was the fact of being so close to him after everything and knowing that she would never know what could have been between them. She had so much to say, so much she wanted him to know, but knowing that she had already made her bed that she couldn't turn it all around. Broken heart or not, she had made her decision, and she was the one that was going to have to live with it.
She didn't know how long she had sat at that tree, but when the rain came she knew it was the end. He's married now Bella, there is nothing you can do now but pray that she treats him the way that he deserves. Knowing that no one would know about this spot other than Edward and that he was married and probably having his reception she allowed herself a brief reprieve from her carefully laid out façade.
She looked up into the rain filled heavens and released her screams of anguish. She cried for the loss of life that she couldn't protect, for the love that she let slip through her fingers, for the pain that she knowing brought onto herself. She sobbed brokenly as she let the pain take her. She wanted to be completely consumed by it. She begged for it. She didn't want to heal. If healing meant moving on and forgiving herself for the mistakes that she had made then she wanted none of it. She had lost her earth, her ground, her Edward.
"Edward…" she sobbed, feeling the pain cut deeper into her heart. "I'm so sorry that I couldn't let you love me the way that you wanted the way that I desperately needed. I'm sorry that I wasn't strong enough to save the baby, I'm sorry that I can't love anyone like I love you. "
Her fists slammed into the ground pounding out her pain and frustration with herself. Her hands dug clung to the dirt, cutting them on the jagged rocks beneath the surface. Her tears wouldn't stop, wouldn't stop, and her heart would never mend again; but though the pain was killing her, she knew that this pain would be a constant reminder of why she would never give her heart away; because how can you give something away when it was no longer hers to hand over?
He didn't know how long she had been there, or how long he had stood there watching her. All that he knew was that he saw her raw, broken, and bleeding from her soul. She was still his Bella, even through all the pain that she was in and the heartache that they both were put through she was still his, and he knew that. He had watched her break down knowing that this was her true essence, no matter what walls she put up for others to see, this was the real her, the woman that he had sworn to love for the rest of his life. How could he just walk away from her now, when it was painfully clear that she needed him as much as he needed her.
"Bella…" he said softly. She hadn't responded, but then he already knew that she was so lost within herself that she wouldn't have heard him if he had screamed her name. With a heavy heart he slowly made his way to their tree. He slowly sat down on the rain soaked earth, and gently put his hand on her shoulder.
She gasped and looked up at him. She stared at him for a long time without saying anything, trying to read his eyes. Finally she lowered her eyes and whispered. "What are you doing here?"
He placed his arms around her and pulled her into his embrace. "How could I not come, Bella? You know my heart belongs to you."
"But you're supposed to be married by now." She sighed.
Edward brought his long fingers to her chin and lifted her face so that he could look into her haunted brown eyes. "How could I marry someone that I would have to lie to, when you know that you have always been the one that I belonged to?"
"Because I'm married." She said with the tears escaping her eyes yet again. It was too hard to hide them when she was as raw as she was at this moment.
"But you don't have to stay married." He whispered bringing his face closer to her. "We can get you a divorce, and slowly start to fix ourselves so that we can have the life that we deserve. You didn't deserve what you went through love, no matter what you think. You made a bad decision, and one that you learned from. Don't deny your heart a chance to heal and to move on back to me. Don't let our chance go when you're right here in front of me silently begging me to love you just as I am openly begging you to love me."
She couldn't help but smile at him. "Are you going to quote my favorite movie now?" she laughed softly.
He smiled and stood up bringing her with him. He took her hands into his hands and smiled through his tears knowing that finally they had found their way home to one another. "Bella, I'm just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to love me." He brought his face to hers and gently nuzzled her nose with his. "Please give me the chance that you denied me, please let me love you."
She looked into his eyes knowing that her life and began within those eyes, within those hands that were now holding onto hers, and with a deep breath, she brought her lips to his. As she pulled away from him she smiled. "Edward, I'll never leave you again. I love you."
"I love you too sweetheart, more than you could possibly ever know." And with that their lips met again with a joy full of hope and love for their future.