Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Jeff Kinney, and only rofls to me. And I got to thank the "King of the hill" show for a sudden idea.
Dedicated to: Lecter jr, she is always with me, in joy and sorrow (and in Devon Bostick.)))
From author: I don't like to read about numerous Rodrick's "new girlfriends", so decided to make up something myself. %)
Don't forget, English is still not my native language!
One could find almost anything in a Heffley's trashcan, starting from usual leftovers to normally looking things, which were somehow damaged by little Manny. Sometimes there were even pages of diary, crumpled and tore in two, lost among drafts and sketches, empty chips packets and candy boxes.
Rare sort of garbage.
These are from Greg's second diary, must be said, his drawing skills improved since last year.
"...Tuesday
Holly Hills spoke to me today just before lessons. I think everything goes well. If it will do, maybe we should go to see a movie and it means we are together.
But there is a small problem with Holly being my girlfriend. I don't know how to kiss.
I will never ever tell Rowley such things for his parents forbade him seeing me again.
Thursday
Asked Rodrick if he'd kissed. Rodrick said yes, hundred times. He also said that the main thing in all this is tongue.
Examined mine in the mirror, it's fine. I'll ask him tomorrow what I should start from with a girl, in general.
Friday
Rodrick laughed at me and said that I should put my hands on her waist and "it will happen". It's like drinking through a straw, and then I must put my tongue in her mouth. He advised me to take a tomato and try.
There were no tomatoes in the fridge, only apples and cucumbers. I'm in pain.
Saturday
Kissed my arm. Got a bruise.
Are you sure Holly will like it?
Monday
Talked to Holly, she smiled like an angel and agreed to go with me to a movie theater at the weekend.
Imagined her to be a hand.
[Picture of a girl, who has a hand instead of head, inscription inside a frame "Let's kiss, Greg"]
I panicked. I read, that in the past men kissed women's hands, somehow it makes sense. Will Holly be offended if I do this?
Tuesday
Went to the mall together with mom. Passing by a jewelers' I understood what I needed, a mannequin.
Mom gave me a strange look, but said nothing.
What's wrong with that? People do ride the exercise bicycles.
Wednesday
Spent the evening developing a plan. That wasn't a good one.
[Picture of Greg, holding hands with a mannequin. A guard beside them with a question mark above his head. Greg's remark "She's with me!"]
Ended up thinking that it's impossible to steal and carry it out of the mall.
Unfortunately, the only head, too.
Thursday
Suddenly remembered, that we've had a head in the basement! Rodrick used it to hang his cowboy hat.
As a matter of fact, it's a man's head, but I might put a wig on it.
[Picture of the head: it has a mark pen-drawn mustache, a tuft and its eyes are eye-lined. It also has a big black eye. The note below: "Risky Jo".]
Friday
Two hours talked to a head, tried to pay it a compliment. It couldn't be called a beauty, and the name "Holly" won't do for it. "Jo" is a woman's name too, but I'd never abase myself by a woman with mustache.
Even in a New Year's glittering wig she looks like some cowboy and I'm still afraid to touch it. Though after a compliment regarding her noble features, if I were in her shoes (plastic heads don't have shoes, but whatever) I'd be glad to get more intimate.
It'll be easier to do to the touch. She is cold and solid. And dusty. (It was better with a hand.)
...Rodrick saw us together and told mom! I thought, I'd closed the door, but he peeped into the room just in time to see me assuring Jo that I was happy to be together, we were finally going to kiss. Mom took the head away and locked in a kitchen cupboard.
I hate Rodrick. How should I practice?
Saturday
Mom didn't want to hear anything, seems, she thought of taking me to a psychologist. Rodrick is good at showing things in the most favorable light.
And my meeting with Holly is tomorrow!
Went down to brother's room. Rodrick promised to tell Heather (Holly's elder sister) everything, even started to key in a number. Threatened him with telling mom about "the very magazines". Don't know if he'd really had them, just suggested, but Rodrick got horribly nervous and swore to kill me again.
...Towards evening I gave myself up to the utter despair. If I had more time and wasn't so pissed off, I would never say what I'd said. I came to Rodrick after his band rehearsal and stated that he should help me to return the head, or I'd tell on him for sure.
Or he might be "the head" himself, after all it's Rodrick's fault Jo was gone.
Rodrick got angry, but he didn't want any trouble.
He tried to get a cupboard key. Mom was extremely suspicious about two of her sons getting obsessed by a plastic man's head. I think, we'll go to a psychologist all together.
...When he burst into my room I realized what I've done. I didn't want to kiss Rodrick; he resembled a woman less than the Risky Jo. All the more Rodrick didn't want to kiss me either. He hissed that I was dumb, not a man but a total wimp, that nobody would ever like me and that he was doing it just out of pity. He put his hands on my waist and kissed me in the lips.
That was... strange and had nothing in common with what he previously described.
So to do my practice I tried to shove my tongue into his mouth, but Rodrick shrank back, spitted upon a carpet and observed that it was awful. The truth is that he was damn right. (It was really better with a hand.)
Sunday
After we left the movie theater Holly refused to kiss me. Apparently, she's not my girlfriend.
Darn! I've had my first kiss with my brother!
I'd better tell anyone her name was Jo.
P.S. Told mom of Rodrick's magazines. Not for Jo he'll disclose anyone a story about the head, cause now we both have more than a dirty secret..."
Greg Heffley doesn't like to cripple his notebook - to tear out a single page means to lose the second one from the other side of binding. But his worst fantasy is one, in which the future generations find these records in his "Diary".
~Fin~