A not-so-long time ago, in a galaxy right where we are living right now...a man known only as David created one of the most disgustingly evil and sinister fanfics ever recorded in the history of mankind. Whatever you do, do NOT read "David X Gardevoir". Capiche?
Worse yet, he even stole someone else's Gardevoir and reenacted the horrific events of the fanfic on the poor little Pokemon girl; he raped her to death, beat her up, shot her, stabbed her, and then jizzed all over her dead body. Not only that, but he also raped the nurse at the local Pokemon center, JUST LIKE WHAT HAPPENED IN THE ORIGINAL STORY.
After that, David vanished into obscurity and dropped out of the public eye to avoid being arrested. Ever since then, he's been hiding out in the basement of his house somewhere in the Kallos region, scheming.
His favorite thing to do is to jerk off constantly, and his favorite thing to do this to seems to be Pokemon as well. He produces so much "juice" every day that he actually earned the nickname "Handle Jack". Rumor and legend has it that if you call him by his nickname out loud, he will try his hardest to come and find you. If successful, he will- GAAAAAAH!
A FEW DAYS LATER, IN 2015, AT ASH'S HOUSE...
"He did WHAT?!" Pico the Gallade screamed, pounding the desk with his fist and sneering in frustration, his face reddening with anger as he read the shocking news on his computer. "This is an outrage!"
"What's all the ruckus about? What happened, son?" Garcia the Garchomp asked with a look of confusion and mild annoyance.
"This man named David has officially crossed the line!" Pico growled, clenching his teeth. "If you thought that that David X Gardevoir fanfic of his was a nightmare..."
"Oh my god, don't even get me started on that fuckin' story...I just ate dinner and my stomach already isn't feelin' very well as is." Garcia butted in.
"As I was saying," Pico continued, "guess what he did?"
"What?" Garcia asked nervously, shivering a little.
"HE REENACTED THE FUCKING STORY IN REAL LIFE!" Pico screamed.
"I...I...I...I'm completely and utterly speechless!" Garcia replied with a shocked and appalled look on his face as he observed the hideous evidential pictures on Google Images. "Why, this shit makes the Vietmon War look like eye candy by comparison! I should know, too, since I was in that war back when I was still a teenager!" he explained with his jaw still hanging wide open.
"EXACTLY!" Pico replied, nodding his head in approval. "And you wanna know what's worse? HE MIGHT EVEN BE COMING FOR ME NEXT! I'm Rosie's former BOYFRIEND! This man's cruelty knows absolutely NO bounds, DOES it?" he concluded, trembling with fear.
"TELL me about it!" Garcia replied in agreement. "Well, at least he isn't the reason why I only have one arm now..."
"Who is?" Pico asked.
"It's a long story..." Garcia replied, sighing and shrugging his shoulders. "I don't really feel like talking about it right now. Hey, who's poundin' on the door?" he asked, pointing behind him.
"Oh, it's probably Ash." Pico replied, peering through the door with his psychic vision. "Yup, it's Ash."
"Wanna try reading his mind?" Garcia asked, grinning mischievously.
"Why even bother?" Pico replied, crossing his arms and tapping his foot on the floor impatiently. "It's like we can already read his mind like an open book anyway." he explained, chuckling and opening the door. "Oh, hi, Ash. What's up?"
"What have you two been doing in here!?" Ash yelled at them.
"What? This is OUR room." Pico and Garcia replied.
"Well I don't like the sound of whatever you're doing in here!" Ash replied, storming across the room and accidentally tripping over his own shoelaces. Getting back up, he saw the images displayed on the PC screen. "Looking at porn again, are we?" he bitterly scorned them, glaring at them disapprovingly and pointing a finger at the PC screen.
"NO! It's not what you think!" Pico and Garcia replied, waving their arms in front of them and panicking frantically, their heartbeats quickening drastically.
"WHAT!?" Pico and Garcia yelled, breathing out in relief.
"I know what this is about." Ash explained.
"WHAT!?" Pico and Garcia repeated.
"I said I know what this is about!" Ash re-explained.
"WHAT!?" Pico and Garcia repeated again; they were clearly doing this on purpose.
"I SAID I FUCKING KNOW WHAT ALL OF THIS FUCKING SHIT IS ALL ABOUT!" Ash yelled so loudly that it caused the ears of all the Zubats living in their recently built nest on the tree next to Ash's house to bleed to death, effectively killing the entire nest.
"YEAH! We are the BEST Pokemon duo EVER!" Pico euphorically gloated in satisfaction, giving Garcia a well-deserved high-five. "WOO!"
"ANYWAY," Ash explained, shooting both of them a death glare, "I know what you two are so upset about. I've heard about it on the news. I understand. And that's why we need to work together, find this man and get right down to the bottom of this mess, you hear me?"
"Yes, we hear you." Pico replied, rolling his eyes a little. "But aren't we gonna need a bigger team?"
At that exact moment, the three of them faintly heard something rustling in the grass outside. Suddenly, it climbed up the wall of Ash's house and leapt through the window into the room!
It was a Greninja! "Hallelujah!" Ash squealed with joy. "I've always wanted to catch one of these, but I could never quite figure out what its main weakness was..." This comment caused all three Pokemon standing in the room to immediately roll their eyes and facepalm deeply.
"Like the wool of a lamb on a hot-air balloon, water guides the lightning through the storm." the Greninja explained.
"What? I wasn't paying attention." Ash replied ignorantly.
"WATER CONDUCTS ELECTRICITY! JESUS FRIGGIN' CHRIST!" Pico yelled furiously, pinning Ash up against the wall with his arms and staring directly into his eyes. "MAN, it really doesn't take a god-damned genius to fucking figure this shit out, you know!"
"Pardon my asking, sir." Garcia butted in, raising his arm. "What is your name?"
"Like the famous mascots of Street Fighter and Ninja Gaiden, my name is Ryu." Ryu the Greninja answered assertively, bowing down to them as a display of honor. "Allow me to demonstrate my true mastery of the arts, like an autistic schoolgirl painting the Mona Lisa with a mohawk."
With that, he produced a water shuriken from his hand and threw it behind him with absolutely wicked precision, slicing a nearby fly in half with it. With lightning-fast movement and reflexes, he then whipped out his tongue and used it to grab both pieces of the fly's body in midair as they were falling. Last but not least, he swallowed them and bowed to his audience.
"WOW." Garcia responded, stunned with amazement and jealousy as all three members of the audience clapped and applauded the magnificent act. "Why, even back in my glory days, even I couldn't do THAT! You, sir, deserve a medal."
"Thank you, thank you." Ryu thanked them, grabbing a few more flies with his chopsticks as everyone just stood there gaping and drooling with amazement.
"Snap out of it!" Garcia yelled, shaking Pico back into focus. "Ask him what his deal with us is! Don't you find it a little odd that he just broke into our house without permission?" he whispered into Pico's ear.
"Hey, Ryu!" Pico butted in, breaking the silence. "What's your beef with us?"
"I am lacking in beef. Ryu is beefless." Ryu replied jokingly.
"Answer the damned question!" Pico demanded, threatening to stab him. "Why are you here? Where did you come from? What is your reason for invading our house in the middle of the afternoon? When did you decide it was okay to trespass on our property? Most importantly, WHO DO YOU WORK FOR!?" he yelled.
"The name's MISTY!" Misty yelled enthusiastically, flinging the door open overdramatically. "Look, I also brought a Chesnaught with me! His name is Chester! Isn't it adorable?" she squealed with delight.
"Master, I'm supposed to be strong, muscular and most importantly INTIMIDATING! Stop it! Please, woman!" Chester begged her.
"I know, but in my opinion you're just the most adorable little thing I've ever seen." Misty replied, pinching Chester's cheeks.
"Like a child's grandmother at a summer vacation, she smothers him to death." Ryu sarcastically quipped.
"Anyway...HOLY SHIT WHAT IS THAT THING?! IT'S HEADED RIGHT FOR US! RUN! RUN TO THE HILLS! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" Garcia screamed.
"Chill out, bro!" Pico commanded him, grabbing him by the back of his shoulder and stopping him. "It's not like that thing is going to just crash right into our...OH GOD DAMN IT! Oh wait, no, it was only a minor impact. Nothing serious."
It was a hang glider with the Team Rocket logo on it!
"Like the Apokko space shuttle, Team Rocket blasts off yet again." Ryu waxed poetically.
"Grr, I hate Team Rocket! They always steal Misty's cookies and then there are no more left for me to steal!" Chester groaned. "HEY!" Misty scolded him angrily. "NO ONE STEALS MY COOKIES! C'MERE!" Misty charged straight into the palm of Chester's outstretched hand and ended up getting a nosebleed from the impact.
After Misty finished crying on the floor, the group headed down from the second floor to the first floor and opened the front door!
Unsurprisingly, Jessie and James were out on the front lawn...well, actually, it was Meowth and James! Jessie wasn't even there!
"What is the meaning of this madness? It's like if wolves started sleeping with foxes." Garcia rambled, completely baffled out of his mind.
"Who are those guys?" Ash wondered; Ryu slapped him across the face. "Like a poor little boy whining about his breakup, you must get your shit together." Ryu explained.
"How in the world can there only be one member of Team Rocket but not the other? Explain yourself!" Misty demanded, placing her hands on her hips menacingly.
"Hey, I'm a Pokemon too, wanker! Don't forget me, Barbie!" Meowth yelled at her from beside James. "Yoo hoo!"
"I'm sure you've all seen my dashing good looks and fabulous personality before." James gloated, placing his hand on his chest and leaning forward egotistically. "Aren't I simply stunning?"
"HA! Gaaay!" Garcia taunted him memetically.
"OH! How rude." James responded. "I'm afraid that the correct term to describe my style is actually not gay, per se, but rather ambiguously gay."
"So you're BIKE-curious then?" Pico snickered, causing both him and Garcia to bust out into laughter.
"Grr, you incompetent fools!" James growled at them. "Look, I'm not here to fight you, I'm here to befriend you beautiful people! AND STOP LAUGHING!"
"Look," James continued, "let me explain how I ended up here. Hold on, let me take a deep breath.."
"Okay, listen, mates!" Meowth interrupted. "Let me make a long story short. Ya see, basically, me, James, and Jesse were all standing together in a hot-air-balloon shaped like a big ol' Meowth noggin, ya hear?"
"Like a foreigner of Australian origin, this Meowth has an accent for some reason." Ryu confusedly quipped, scratching his head.
"Meowth? Where do you blokes come up with this maddening nonsense? My name is Marmite for god's sake." Marmite explained.
"Anyway," Marmite continued, "there we were, gazin' out ova the horizon...when, suddenly, Jesse said a very dirty and nasty old word that prob'ly woulda gotten us into trouble. Luckily, we jumped out using the good ol' hang glider technique, and we ended up crash-landin' right here in your front yard. I dunno 'bout you folk, but I'm just glad we're not dead." he finished, gasping for air; a fly suddenly buzzed into his mouth and he started choking and writhing on the ground only to immediately return back to normal a few seconds later.
"Just one question I wanna ask." Ash asked. "Who are you?"
"Are you fuckin' kidding me?" Marmite replied. "NEXT!"
"Do you have a girlfriend or crush?" Chester asked.
"WHAT? That's none o' your business!" Marmite replied. "Oh, Deviart...such a beautifully gorgeous Lopunny you are..." he thought to himself, narrowly resisting the urge to fantasize about everyone's favorite humanoid television supermodel rabbit. "NEXT!" he yelled, snapping back into focus.
"What color is my underwear?" Misty asked, giggling; Chester slapped her across the face. "NEXT!"
"Why are you asking these questions?" James asked. "NEXT!" Marmite replied.
"Is this flower beautiful?" Chester asked with sparkling eyes after growing a flower from the palm of his hand and displaying it to Marmite. "God damn it, shut the fuck up, ya bloody wanker! NEXT!"
"Okay, I have an important question to ask you." Pico explained. "What was this so-called swear word that Jesse uttered?"
"Handle-Jack." Marmite revealed.