The clock struck 2am and Sam Winchester found himself staring at the ceiling for what had now become its third hour. He had never been luck in the relationship department by any means, especially because the recent death of a woman he had loved is now what kept him up at this hour. His thoughts went to one of the first girl's he had loved, whom was, as far as he knows, alive. Her name was Audrey.
It was Sam's senior year at some random school in Pennsylvania, in some English class he had taken at some earlier school. "Have you read the book before?" Asked the petite girl with dark brown hair which today she wore in a 50's pin-up style, as she huffed a strand of hair out of her green eyes and tried to stick in back in with the rest of the victory roll.
He shyly looked over to her and nodded, "Gatsby? Yeah. I've had to read it a few times at other schools."
The girl smiled, closed her book quickly and folded her arms toward him. "Daisy is a little twat, isn't she?" Her smile was devious and she winked at Sam in a friendly joking way. "I'm Audrey." And that's how it began.
Sam shifted on the bed so his arm was now covering his eyes. He does not remember much of the process in which he fell in love with her, he just knew he did. It was all the small things about her; like the way she dressed like she was from past decades, the way she hated wearing her shoes, the way she highlighted her favourite parts in books, or even the way certain words had a slight accent.
It was the night of their senior prom and Sam and Audrey were sitting on her bed eating cookie dough ice cream and watching The Breakfast Club. "I can't believe you've never seen it before, it's a classic." She spooned another heap of ice cream into her mouth, let it melt, and spit the little ball of cookie dough back in the bowl.
Sam made a disgusted noise and gave her a little smile, "And I can't believe you eat ice cream like that, that's disgusting." He cracked and gave her his genuine smile when he turned away from him pretending to be offended.
Audrey smiled, turned back around, and lightly smacked his arm. "I like to save the cookie dough for last because I think it's the best part." She locked eyes with him and suddenly looked back at the tv, "Sam, I love you, you know."
He whipped his head toward her hoping to see her eyes, but they were glued to the tv screen. He took her in; her brown hair which cascaded down her back in soft waves, the braided headband she wore like a hippie, the shirt he had lent her two months ago which she wore like a dress over ripped tights. He could see through the then fabric of the tights that she had refused to take her anklet off. All of this, in addition to the shock of her confession made his mind go blank and the only thing he could think to say was "How much do you love me?"
Audrey uncrossed her legs and moved them under her so she was sitting on her knees facing Sam. She then picked up his hand and started play with his fingers until she finally decided to hold it. "From here."
His eyebrows pulled together in confusion, "What?" She leaned forward and kissed his forehead, then his nose, and down to his mouth. And he kissed back without hesitation.
Sam now rolled over in his bed. He never forgot that night; you don't tend to forget when you finally got to kiss the person you've wanted to kiss for so long. Her kisses were soft and tender in a way that he had never experienced again. That was the last time she had told him she loved him, not that he blamed her considering his response. Her answer to his question that night had always confused him though, even 12 years later he had yet to make sense of it.
The last time Sam saw Audrey was a week before their high school graduation and two days after her birthday. They were laying on the trampoline in her back yard looking at stars and her head was resting on his chest. The fact that in a couple of hours he would have to leave to go hunt the next creature with his dad and brother loomed down on him. "The world is so big. I want to see new things, I want to breathe the air of new places." Her eyes suddenly got big and she flipped over to face him, "Oh, won't you come with me?" Her smile was as big as it usually was, and, like always, her eyes shined like mad even in the darkness.
Sam knew this is the last time he could see her, and he knew he couldn't tell her why. So he decided to make her not want to see him again. "I wouldn't want to go with you."
Her smiled suddenly dropped, "Oh, well okay then." She moved herself and brought her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms tightly around them. "Why not?" Audrey did not move her gaze and just stared intently at her bare feet.
He sat up and made his way off the trampoline. "You act like we're like married or something, traveling the world together? I don't love you, Audrey."
She got up and ran to stand in front of him so he couldn't leave. "Then tell me why we hold hands wherever we go. Why we've met each other's families. Why you never fail to kiss me goodbye. Why you insist on walking me home and won't leave until the door is locked so you know I'm safe."
Sam could see he was hurting her and he hated himself for it. "First off, you've only met Dean. And all that stuff doesn't mean anything so don't tell yourself any differently."
He tried to push his way past her and leave but she just shoved him back. "Sam Winchester I know you're lying to me. What's gotten into you all of a sudden? Whatever you're doing, stop it." Tears were threatening to spill over but she held them back. "I lov-.. you're my best friend."
"Goodbye." They say the worst feeling is getting hurt by someone you love, but it was this moment that made Sam believe the exact opposite, that it's hurting the someone that you love.
"Wait. I hope one day someone loves you so much they make you question why you ever thought you would have been better off alone. Someone that sees lilacs in the bags under your eyes. Someone who loves you as much as I could have if you let me."
Sam didn't need to look in her eyes to know she was crying. He then placed a gentle hand on her shoulder and gently pushed her aside and started to make his way out of her yard and back to the hotel his dad and brother were staying at.
"Wait." He kept his hand placed on the gate latch as she ran up to him. "Kiss me hard before you go." Her voice was small, but he turned around, cupped her face in his large hands, and kissed her with so much emotion they were both left breathless, he then kissed her one last time, it was quick and strained. He then slipped out the gate into the cool night and that was the last time he saw her.
It was not until December of the next year that he heard from her again. Almost a year and a half had gone by since he saw her. It was into his second year at Stanford, his current girlfriend, Jessica, slept peacefully beside him in the wee hours of the morning when his phone went off with a text from Audrey. "To here." Was all it said. Confused and too tired to care, Sam had shut his phone off and rolled back over to sleep.
Just now, in a shitty hotel room at 3am nearly 10 years later, he figured out what she meant. Years ago he had asked her how much she loved him, and she had answered "From here." and so many years later he finally figured out what "To here." really meant.