Title: Blessings
Timeframe: RotS
Genre: Angst
Summary: Anakin and Padmé have a sleepless night.
Disclaimer: Much as I'd like them to, none of these characters belongs to me. Lucas is the lucky one.
A/N: Thanks to JediFreyja for betaing this.
A/N2: Feedback is treasured :D
You see her face. Usually unblemished, it now appears distraught, covered in small drops of sweat mingled with tears. She seems to be suffering intensely.
Voices drift to you, and you feel your heart race. A man speaks. He whispers something to her that you can't make out; you catch only pieces of broken sentences. Hold on to them…they need you. You wonder what can possibly be going on. What does he have to do there with her? And why does she look so sad, so defeated? There has never been such a heartbreaking paleness about her before. Or perhaps the blinding white lights are the ones which cause that impression. Watching her suffer drives you out of your mind.
You call her name, in an attempt to turn her attention towards you so you can ask how you can help, what you can do, but no sound leaves your lips. You can't reach her, she can't see you. You are separated by an abyss. You become frantic, and start shouting louder, but she still doesn't take notice of your screams.
And then you see something that makes your blood run cold. It can't be true. But something deep within you tells you that reality can't be denied, that you have to accept what you are only beginning to comprehend: Her eyes are closed, and she looks to be asleep. But you know better. She has passed away. She has abandoned you.
The last echo that reaches your ears sounds like the piercing cry of an infant.
Next thing you know, you are awake, panting and drenched in sweat. Your instinctive reaction is to turn around and check on her. When you see she rests peacefully beside you, you realise you've been dreaming. Again. How you hate these nightmares. And most of all you hate the fact that they have come true so far. Your mother...
As Shmi's face materializes before you, you push the sheets aside and move to sit on the side of the bed. Your breathing becomes ragged, and you put your head in your hands, desperate. You can't let this one come true, like the last one. She can't die. She can't leave you! You need her, your child needs her! You ask yourself, tormented, why you have to see these things. Why foresee the future, if you can't stop it from happening?
Tears start rolling down your hot cheeks. You stand up, feeling you can't keep your self-control anymore, and head for the stairs that will take you out to the veranda.
Once you have left the bed, though, she stirs, as if she had felt your absence even in her sleep. She calls your name, but you're too far away and you don't hear her, and the cloud of despair that envelopes you doesn't allow you to sense her fear through the Force. You are aware of almost nothing else apart from your overpowering worry and your unwavering resolution to save your wife and your child.
Until she comes to stand by your side, and then your shell of panic cracks immediately to let in the soothing aura that accompanies her.
Yet, you remain rooted to the spot, afraid of yourself. You feel her hand grasping yours, but you still don't turn around. You can't look at her. You can't face her. You know the moment you see her eyes you will remember how they were closed in your dream, and her deathly paleness will come alive in front of you, and you're scared of how you may react to that.
"Why are you so upset?" she asks, tenderly.
Your answer conveys your categorical determination: "Nothing."
You have decided not to tell her anything. It may be dangerous in her state. What if the shock harms the baby? She already has enough difficulties to handle in her job, and you wouldn't be able to live with the guilt if anything harmed her because of you.
Suddenly your anxiety reaches the breaking point, and you realise how desperately you need to feel the reassurance of her presence by your side, and you finally turn to her, blinking back your tears. When your eyes focus, you see the japor snippet you gave her so many years ago hanging from her neck. You touch it, reverently, with the tip of your fingers, and it evokes memories of home and of a young slave boy who once befriended a royal handmaiden. You miss those days so much...
"I remember when I gave this to you," you whisper. But that doesn't distract her from the reason why you are both out of bed at such late hours.
"Anakin, how long will it take for us to be honest with each other?"
Her claim shocks you, even more so since you perceive deep suffering and concern in her voice. Of course, she has the right, as usual. You are married; you trust her as you trust none other in the galaxy, and she has gained it in her own right. She deserves you to keep no secrets from her.
"I had a dream."
"Bad?" Keeping secrets would be pointless, anyway.
"Like the ones I used to have about my mother just before she died."
"And?"
Pain's grip tightens around your heart.
"It involved you."
Her eyes bore into yours, and yours into hers. No words are spoken. No words are necessary. Your eyes carry thousand of silent messages.
"Tell me," she requests, softly.
But you are still reluctant. Can you burden her with such a terrible knowledge?
"It was only a dream," you mumble, trying to avoid giving away more.
She glances at you, apprehension evident in her brown eyes. You swallow hard, bracing yourself for the step ahead, and take a deep breath before going on.
"I saw you. You were someplace I couldn't recognise. And you were pale…waning. I think I saw Obi-Wan there, too. And…something just didn't feel right."
"Ani…"
"Your eyes…they were closed, and you looked like you were sleeping…but you weren't. I felt it. You were…"
One of her hands moves to your cheek and strokes it, encouragingly, lovingly.
"I heard a child cry. I think what I saw means…you…you die in childbirth."
Maternal instinct takes over Padmé, and she demands: "And the baby?"
You shake your head, dejectedly.
"I don't know. I think I heard a baby wailing, but I don't know who or why…"
After a moment, she leans close to you, and murmurs tenderly in your ear: "Dreams are only dreams, Ani." But you know the ghost of your mother's death haunts her, too.
You take her in your arms, thirsty for her, and inhale her fragrant scent, which takes you back to the plains of Naboo and to days when no problem disturbed your joy. Placing a hand in her gracefully bulging belly with all the love and care in the galaxy, you try to imagine what would become of you if you ever lost any of them. You've lost so much already …
You strengthen your resolve and vow to yourself never to let anything bad befall these angels.
"I won't let this one become real, Padmé," you promise, and she presses herself even more tightly against you, letting you know she believes you with all of her soul.
But then she backs away, and you watch her countenance grow sombre.
"Ani, this baby will change our lives," she states. "I doubt the Queen will continue to allow me to serve in the Senate, and if the Council discovers you are the father, you will be expelled from the Jedi Order."
You fix your eyes on the far-away horizon of the ever-awake city planet, and your heart grows as heavy as duracrete when the significance of her words sinks in.
"I know," you nod, miserably.
"Anakin…" she hesitates, but then she seems to gather enough courage to go on: "…do you think Obi-Wan might be able to help us?"
Anger starts bubbling inside you at her suggestion. Why should you ask Obi-Wan to intervene? You two can handle marriage and fatherhood and everything that stands in your way by yourselves. Does she think you can't give her what she needs?
"Have you told him anything?" you enquire, suspiciously.
She sighs.
"No, Ani, I haven't. But he has been your mentor and your friend for more than ten years, and he cares for us. He must suspect something…"
"He's been a father to me, yes. But that doesn't stop him from being a Jedi, and part of the Council. Don't tell him anything. It could get us both into trouble."
Into more than you are already in, to be specific.
"I won't, Ani," she pledges. And she looks so angelic and lovely with her pregnancy, even in spite of her uneasiness, that you want to cry out loud your love for her.
Oh Force! She and your child are all you have. If your nightmares were to come true…
"We don't need his help, Angel. Our baby will be a blessing, not a problem."
And with that last statement, you pick her up in your arms with a slight aid from the Force, and she smiles contentedly at you as you walk up the stairs to your bedroom.
The moment of tension and disquiet has passed. You will protect Padmé and the small miracle growing inside her. Your dream will remain just that -- a dream. Nothing will go wrong. Nothing can go wrong, with love binding your little family together so firmly. So long as you have love…