Moriarty's Fairytale Mashup
The TV screen flickered. "Hallo. Are you ready for the story?" Moriarty appeared in the screen drifting in and out of focus for a minute or two before the camera finally focused on him.
"Once upon a time as a queen sits sewing at her window, she pricks her finger on her needle and three drops of blood fall on the snow that had fallen on her ebony window frame. As she looks at the blood on the snow, she says to herself, "Oh, how I wish that I had a daughter that had skin white as snow, lips red as blood, and hair black as ebony". But soon after that, the queen gives birth to a baby boy who has skin white as snow, lips red as blood, and a heart as black as ebony. They name him Prince-..." Moriarty trails off, looking thoughtful. "Well, now! What will they call him?"
He seems thoroughly befuddled by his new problem and chews his lip profoundly. "Ah! I know! They'll name him Prince Jet Black." He nods, satisfied with himself.
"Anyway! When the Prince Jet Black was seven years old, he was as gorgeous as the day and his evil Chinese step-mother, who had a smuggling business on the side, grew very - very jealous of him." He frowned and shook his head grimly to indicate his disapproval. "So the evil step-mother had one of her loyal huntsmen 'Golem' take Prince Jet Black into the woods and lock him away high up in a hidden tower." There was an amused snort from somewhere off-screen and Moriarty scowls a little at whoever made the offending noise.
The titter immediately dies down. Moriarty clears his throat and continues with his story. "And then one day, a handsome prince named Sebastian rode through the forest and heard Prince Jet Black singing 'Stayin' Alive' from the tower. Entranced by the strange Irish lilt, Prince Sebastian searched for the owner of the voice and finds the tower."
"Naturally, Prince Sebastian couldn't get into the tower and Prince Jet Black didn't have long fair hair to let him up either so they settled for phonecalls and e-mails every once in a while." Moriarty suddenly switches his gaze off-screen again and frowns. "Well, of course I know there were no such things as phones or computers back then! But it's a fairytale! Magic happens!" he snaps in exasperation to his companion in the room.
"Now, where were we?" He scratches his head, perplexed. "Oh, yes! The Prince and the tower!" he remembers. "So, Prince Sebastian and Prince Jet Black occasionally saw each other, and when they couldn't, they... communicated through magic." A warning glare to his companion off-screen. "But then! The evil step-mother found about Prince Sebastian's regular meetings and had him exiled!" He feigned a gasp of horror, eyes and mouth gaping wide.
"But Prince Jet Black really liked Prince Sebastian and just had to see him again! But he couldn't get down from the tower!" Moriarty shook his head sadly. "What should Prince Jet Black do, I wonder?" He smiled. "And just as all hope was dying, Prince Jet Black's Fairy Godmother, er, Godfather? Anyway! His Fairy Godparent appeared and with a wave of his magic umbrella brings Prince Jet Black to the foot of the tower! He turns a pumpkin into a carriage, mice into horses, a rat into a coachman, and lizards into footmen!" Moriarty's eyes are comically wide, his mouth gaping again as he mouths 'amazing!'
"Then, the Fairy Godparent told Prince Jet Black to find his Prince but warned that he had to return before midnight, when the spells would be broken." Moriarty grimaced. "Prince Jet Black just frowned at his Fairy Godparent and said 'Oh, Hell no! The tower's boring! I'm never coming back here!'" Moriarty's companion off-screen mutters something under his breath and Moriarty frowns at him a little. "What? I'm not allowed to say that? Oh-..."
He turns back to the camera. "Sorry kids! I hoped you covered your ears for that part!" An apologetic smile. "Anyways, Prince Jet Black traveled all over the world looking for his Prince and finally found his kingdom where there was a huge party being thrown so Prince Sebastian could find himself a wife! So Prince Jet Black attended the party and met his Prince again and they fell in love! But Prince Jet Black's evil step-mother was also there in hopes of marrying the rich Prince and saw them!" Moriarty shook his head in despair, murmuring 'oh dear'.
"So, in order to keep the two apart, she cast a spell on Prince Sebastian and turned him into a frog!" There was a quiet 'hey!' from off-screen that was dutifully ignored. "And after assassinating the evil step-mother for this, Prince Jet Black searched all over the kingdom to find Prince Sebastian but he couldn't find him anywhere! So she called on one of the Prince's cabbies - I mean - coachmen, a dying man who liked to poison his more annoying passengers by-..." Another unheard interruption from the man off-screen. Moriarty rolled his eyes. "Alright! I'll leave that part out!"
"Anyway, Prince Jet Black sent for the coachman and asked him where the Prince could be. The coachman said, 'Alright, I'll tell you where he is but only if you give me lots of gold for it!' and Prince Jet Black agreed. The coachman said that the Prince was banished from all the kingdoms on earth and that he was living in a kingdom under the sea as a servant! Although, how a frog could live under the sea, I don't know." Moriarty shrugged. "So then, the coachman demanded his money and Prince Jet Black lied and told him he didn't have any money. I mean, a trip under the sea would cost at least several million quid, don't you think?"
"So the coachman said, 'Alright, you won't have to give me any money unless you can guess my name in three days!' Prince Jet Black agreed to these terms and began guessing. 'Is your name John? No. Is your name Henry? Not that either? What is it?' And on the last day, the coachman was laughing and hopping around his fire singing,
'Today do I bake, to-morrow I brew,
The day after that the Prince's gold comes in;
And oh! I am glad that nobody knew
That the name I am called is-...!'
"And just before he said his name, bang! He was shot dead!" Moriarty was bouncing and motioning with his hands eagerly, eyes wide and smiling. "And the blonde shooter looked at his companion, a tall, handsome stranger. And the stranger said 'Your name is Rumpelstiltskin, obvious by the way you carry out your murders, poisoning them. Dull. Most of the victims were chosen at random. The money was for the family, by the way.' And the shooter asked him, 'How do you know so much about him?' And the stranger told him, 'I annoyed him very much, the other day. But I was very clever and took the good pill. Besides-... I googled him after that incident."
There was another protesting noise off-screen. "Alright, alright! No more computer references!" Moriarty held up his hands with an exasperated sigh. "Anyway! The stranger introduced himself to Prince Jet Black as Sir Boast-Alot, and his friend was his squire, John Watson, a boring little man. They traveled with Prince Jet Black until they reached the sea where Prince Jet Black found a kinky tentacled sea-witch named Irene." Again, Moriarty's attention drifted off-screen. "Oh, alright! I'll keep it PG-13."
"Long story short, she gave Prince Jet Black a potion that would change him into a merman for three days and in those three days, Prince Jet Black would have to find his Frog Prince and kiss him to turn him back into a handsome, human, Prince! But if he failed in his task, Prince Jet Black would have to offer his skills to Irene to help her seduce Sir Boast-Alot. Now Prince Jet Black understood why Sir Boast-Alot was so eager to leave him the moment they reached the sea. Irene Adler... alarmed him, shall we say?"
"So, Prince Jet Black took the potion and drank it. He then turned into a merman and immediately took off into the depths of the sea to find his Frog Prince. Er, their adventures under the sea might turn into a long story so I'll give you the condensed version. Prince Jet Black found the Frog Prince, rescued him from a lifetime of servitude in the underwater army, and took him back to dry land, declaring that he wasn't going to kiss the slimy frog until he found a few wet-wipes to clean him off. Can you imagine how unhygenic that is? And by the time they cleaned the Frog Prince off, it was already the fourth day!"
"Prince Jet Black kissed the Frog Prince and turned him back into a human and went to go find Irene. 'You're late,' she exclaimed gleefully, 'now you have to help me steal Sir Boast-Alot's heart from his little squire.' But Prince Jet Black just told her. 'No way. I've got my Prince back, I have no more interest in you. So leave us alone, or I'll turn you into shoes." Moriarty made a face. "Although, octupi-skins are really a fashion nightmare. Never wear them, kids."
The voice off-screen urged Moriarty to 'get back on track'.
"Anyway, they both journeyed on to look for Sir Boast-Alot because Prince Jet Black thought he was interesting. But they didn't find him anywhere because he was off fighting monsters in the kingdom of Dartmoor for Prince Henry. And then, Prince Jet Black's Fairy Godparent kidnapped him because he was supposedly destined to fall in love and marry the very sweet and pretty Princess Molly from the kingdom of... St. Bart's. But Prince Jet Black didn't like Princess Molly, she was too naive and gullible. He liked Prince Sebastian alot better! So he told his Fairy Godparent just that."
"Of course, Fairy Godparents are only around to make sure the fairytale goes according to script, so Prince Jet Black's Fairy Godparent told him that if he did not marry Princess Molly, he would get Sir Boast-Alot to try and make him! Of course, Prince Jet Black wasn't about to let that happen, so he tricked his Fairy Godparent into telling him Sir Boast-Alot's weakness."
"And when the time came that Sir Boast-Alot tried to convince him to marry Princess Molly and complete the story, Prince Jet Black sent Prince Sebastian to take Sir Boast-Alot's squire John, his king Lestrade, and the caretaker of his land, Mrs. Hudson, hostage. And when the clever Sir Boast-Alot realized he had walked into a trap, Prince Jet Black told him. 'Listen, Sir Boast-Alot, I don't like Princess Molly just like you don't like Irene. So do us all a favor, and tell my Fairy Godparent to back off.' And, he threw Sir Boast-Alot off the castle's tower... just to show he was serious."
"Of course, Prince Jet Black's Fairy Godparent didn't like that and cast a spell on him, making him sleep until his destined love awoke him with a kiss. Of course, he cast this particular spell because he thought Princess Molly was his fated love. You can imagine his anger and exasperation when a little bird told him Prince Sebastian had stolen Prince Jet Black under the cover of night. He sent his minions to chase after the two Princes but they could not catch them fast enough for they had left in a helicopter-..." Moriarty frowned a little. "Sorry, Sebastian's giving me the evil-eye again. They escaped from the kingdom on a magic carpet that was magicked out of nowhere by a genie who's lamp Prince Jet Black owned." He looked at the man off-screen. "Happy now?"
"Anyway! They flew off, finally free of their social restraints, their oppresive kingdoms, and all their Fairy Godparents and evil step-mothers. But Prince Jet Black still hadn't been awakened from his enchanted sleep! But the Prince, seeing this, said 'Get up, Prince Jet Black, I know you're awake.' But Prince Jet Black did not stir. 'I'm not going to kiss you to wake you up.' The Prince declared stubbornly, crossing his arms."
"And suddenly, Prince Jet Black's eyes flew open and he sat up, grabbing his Prince by his collar and said, 'Alright, alright! I'm awake you sadistic bastard! Just give me my damned kiss, already!'"
"And they kissed and lived happily ever after. The end!"
With that, Moriarty moves out from the screen's view and voices could be heard talking. "Well, one thing's for sure, no self-respecting parents would let their kids watch that."
"Really? I thought it went pretty good."
"You turned me into a frog." Moriarty's companion sulked.
"I turned you back, didn't I?"
"...A frog, Moriarty!"
"Would you rather have me turn you into a Beast?"
"At least it's not a damned frog!"
The complaint was dully ignored. The screen flickered and went out.
The End