Disclaimer: As much as I wish I did, I do not own any of the characters involved. They all belong to Konami (perhaps they can spare me Liquid Snake...? I think they're done with him...)
Author's Note(s): Trick or treaters are one of the most annoying things in this world! But at least they supplied me with the idea... Erm... hi! I'm Ranecia, AKA Mira-chan! This is the first little work of fan fiction that I ever wrote. Ever. Please excuse the sheer stupidity of it, too; I was high on caffeine and being annoyed by annoying little midgets in Scream masks... Yeah... Thanks to Bob for providing the title; it was originally called Snake's Trick-or-Treating Adventure, and also for inspiring Raiden's... costume... Anyways, I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. (Oh, yes. Torturing random characters is so much fun... evil laugh)Please, please, please review! It would truely make my day!
Warnings: Shonen-ai hints, crossdressing, sheer stupidity.
Mission: Trick-or-Treat
The truth was simple. Snake was pissed. No, he was beyond pissed. Seven times that night, the doorbell to his ground-floor apartment rang, and seven times, it was a ground of midgets in supposedly "scary" masks and costumes. Seven times, the midget-collection happily sang out, "Trick or treat!", and seven times, he snarled angrily at them, and slammed the door in their bewildered masked or painted faces. Muttering to himself about the frivolity that infected the majority of the world's population, Snake returned to his beer and television. Strangely, many channels seemed to feature Scooby-Doo marathons. Sighing, he hit the power switch and wondered what to do next.
Just as he was about to admit that he truly was bored out of his mind, the telephone rang. Snake picked it up; offering a silent prayer of thanks to whatever deity was looking out or him, then immediately changed his mind.
"Hello?"
"Snake! Oh, I'm so glad you're home!" an annoying, distinctly female voice whined, clearly distraught.
Snake blinked, disbelieving. "Rosemary? Why're you calling me? Aren't you the one who's constantly accusing me of trying to steal your boyfr--"
Rose cut him off, "That's just it, Snake! It's Jack! He's disappeared!"
Snake stiffened. Raiden, gone? Even worse, most probably alone? As in, by himself, without guidance, alone? The only thing that he managed to say was, "How?"
Rose sniffed. "Well, if I knew, I'd just get him on my own." Quick as a flash, she was back to her concerned, helpless female mode, "Oh, he could get hurt, Snake!"
He'll probably have nothing to worry about, Snake thought wryly, I'm more concerned for the people he meets. What he said was, "I'll look for him. You have my number, right?"
"Of course." She sounded relieved.
----
Raiden walked down the street, treat bag in hand. People stared at him. In admiration, he thought. Of course, no other person had a costume came close to comparing to the splendor of his. His costume was a stroke of pure, unadulterated genius. He was dressed... as a prepubescent girl. Frilly, baby-pink dress that stopped just before his knees, glittery pink shoes, red ribbons in his hair and a touch of Rose's sparkly red lipstick. Oh, and let's not forget the hair glitter. Glittery stuff is pretty... maybe he should always put glitter in his hair...
A little girl dressed as a witch stopped dead at seeing him, then ran away screaming. She's just jealous, he thought, pleased with himself. A woman trailing after a large group of costumed children gasped at seeing him, eyes wide, then herded the children away in the opposite direction as fast as possible. That woman obviously had no fashion sense whatsoever! He skipped merrily up the driveway of a dark, somewhat dilapidated old house. Surely, the people who live there gave out lots of good candy. Surely. He rang the doorbell, and held out his bag, prepared to cry out "Trick or treat!" when he heard footsteps coming towards the door. The door slowly creaked open, and a shadowed figure appeared. Raiden frowned; the figure did not seem to be holding any candy. Before he could say anything, the unknown person pulled him through the threshold and closed the door.
----
Snake stalked through a seemingly peaceful suburban neighborhood, silently cursing Raiden. Silently, because no matter how good a soldier he is, he will be lynched by a mob of righteously angry parents for using such language around their beloved offspring. He would rather be stuck in his apartment watching those dreadful Scooby-Doo marathons. He frowned at a bunch of brats waltzing down the opposite side of the street, all in costumes. A sudden thought struck him; maybe someone had seen Raiden! He'd have to ask around to be sure... He trotted across the street to question the woman accompanying the brats.
"Excuse me..." he started. The woman looked at him expectantly. Snake took a deep breath, then continued, "I'm looking for someone... a guy with blond hair, about this tall." he held a hand out, about level with his eyes.
The woman scowled, "If you're friends with that, that vulgar crossdresser--!" she sputtered. Snake cursed Raiden some more. Crossdressing! What had he been thinking! "No, ma'am. I try not to mingle with drag queens." In this situation, it was best to stretch the truth a little; a group of women had seemingly materialized out of nowhere, sighing and shaking their heads at what they deemed unacceptable for their children, all the while giving Snake looks, as if daring him to protect his "friend". "I just need to find him. He, er..." what sort of reason did he have, especially for these women? "He's not exactly stable and I need to get him back to the Institution." Snake gave himself a mental pat on the back. That should keep them quiet.
The first woman gave him a level look, as if she was judging whether of not he had told them the truth, then, "I saw him enter that house." She pointed at a dark, rundown old building. Snake ran off without a word of thanks, starting another bout of complaints about manners from the guardian of the trick-or-treaters and her teleporting friends.
----
Raiden paced the room his was locked in, annoyed beyond all reason. That man locked him in a room! Didn't he know that he had to go trick-or-treating! It was Halloween!
Suddenly, the door creaked open, letting his captor in. Raiden frowned; the man's features were still shadowed... just who was he?
The man walked into the room, and--
Raiden blinked. It couldn't be... unless he had finally come to terms with his feelings! Raiden launched himself at him with a shout of, "Snake! I just knew you loved me!"
Green eyes widened. He opened his mouth, but the breath was knocked out of him before he could say anything to dissuade the costumed blond from latching on to him, practically squeezing the air from his lungs. "Ooh! And you dyed your hair!"
The man finally got his breath back, and spoke with a British accent, "I'm not Solid Snake."
"You're not?" Raiden studied the man's face, then exclaimed, "Liar, liar, pants on fire."
"I am Liquid Snake, you immature idiot!" he roared.
Raiden's face lit up with comprehension, "Ooh! No wonder you look like Snake!" His face darkened, "Waitaminute... why'd you pull me into the house against my will?"
Liquid strode across the room. "It's quite simple. I kidnapped you to use you as bait!"
Raiden looked confused, "You didn't kidnap me!" he exclaimed.
Liquid Snake raise an eyebrow questioningly, "Oh?"
"I'm not a kid, so it's not possible for you to kidnap me!"
Although Liquid felt like bashing his head repeatedly against the wall, he settled for saying, "Your logic astounds me."
Raiden did not seem to hear him. He was deep in thought - if it could be called that. "You said you're gonna use me as bait... right? That means..." Horror spread across his face, " YOU'RE GONNA THROW ME IN THE SEA AND FEED ME TO THE FISH!"
Liquid felt like screaming. "No! I'm going to keep you here until Solid Snake shows up!"
Raiden looked even more confused, if that was possible, "Why'd you want him to come here? Wouldn't he kick your butt if he does?"
A vein started throbbing in the older man's temple. "He has to be kept busy... That way, I'll be able to go through with my plan to take over Halloween!"
Raiden gasped, "No! That's the Grinch's job!"
It took a few seconds for the sheer stupidity of the comment to sink into Liquid's mind, but by the time it did, he wished that he had found someone else to use to lure his twin into the trap.
----
Solid Snake sneaked into the old house the woman pointed out through the back door, wary of traps. True, he had infiltrated high-security compounds infested with terrorists who are willing to shoot him dead on the spot, but that did not mean a simple trap such as string stretched across a threshold could not stop him if he was not careful.
As he slowly crept through the dark kitchen and into a long, narrow corridor, he heard voices. He quickly pinpointed the source; a room near the end of the corridor. He gently pushed the door open, and was confronted by the Weirdest Scene in Existence.
Liquid Snake was crying in a corner in the small room, begging under his breath, "No more, please, no more!" while Raiden sat beside him babbling on and on about nothing in particular. Snake started to creep silently across the room, but the old floorboards had other ideas. At the soft creak, Liquid looked up, and, seeing Snake, hugged his leg, begging, "Please get that... that... thing away from me!"
Raiden scrambled to his feet. "Snake! You came to save me!" he pouted, "But I don't like you anymore. I like Liquid now. He listens to me!"
A look of pure horror spread on Liquid's face at those words. He would not have been as horrified if it was his own execution that was announced. "Please, Brother, take him away!"
Snake backed away from Liquid. "No, you can keep him. He likes you."
Liquid stood, "I'm begging you, Brother. Take him! I promise I'll give up all plans on world domination if you do!"
Snake started to protest, but stopped before any words left his mouth. Liquid will give up all plans on world domination? That was good, but he didn't want to be stuck with Raiden... Wait! He wasn't going to be stuck with Raiden; he was going to hand him over to Rose! He grinned. "Deal!" Liquid started to cry tears of relief and joy, promising that he would never, ever try to take over the world. Again.
Grabbing Raiden's arm, Snake started to drag him away, but the crossdressing blond balked. "No! I don't wanna! I like Liquid more!" Snake rolled his eyes. "I've got some candy."
A grin practically split Raiden's face in two. "Ooh! Candy! Let's go!"
----
"What have you done to him!"
Snake winced; there was no voice more annoying than Rosemary's. Except, of course, one that belongs to an upset, screeching Rosemary. He tries to explain that he had nothing to do with Raiden's current outfit, and that he had found him like that, but the annoying female refused to listen. She insisted that Snake's "unnatural fetishes" should be against the law, and that he had no right to dress her boyfriend like that.
"But I had nothing to--" The door slammed in his face. Sighing he started to go, grumbling about ungrateful, perpetually PMSing women and their evils. Inside, he could hear Raiden crying for the candy he had been promised. Halfway down the street, he came up with the perfect revenge. He quickly located the many hordes of midgets and their gaurdians, and told them which house had lots of "yummy candy". Satisfied that Rose will be annoyed, both by the costumed brats and Raiden, who would undoubtedly want to join them and whine about it, Snake walked to his own home. Surely, Scooby-doo couldn't be this annoying.
The End...?