My Heart

Never wanted to feel
Never wanted you to steal
my heart
Never wanted to know
Never wanted to show
I'm weak

Being in love isn't in my dictionary. I've never believed in love. Not at first sight, nor at longer periods of time. Just not. I used to think it was silly. Love is the stories with what books are filled and where songs are written about but I never quite trusted it. Love is for fools.

Love is the power that makes us think we belong somewhere, with someone, while it's all a psychological play. Love is destructive and even though I like abhorrent things it is not meant for me. It disgusts me. The idea alone of feeling connected with someone, to share one's secrets and life and sorrows and cut yourself open, vulnerable and fragile, to have everything crushed into a million pieces afterward, leaving you exposed and broken and all that only because you thought that one person would care about you.

It chills my spine.

Why call it love if, in the end, there's only fear and carelessness and hurt? Love isn't pretty. It's a horrible glorification.

I've never believed in love because I didn't know what it felt like. How could I love if I had never known it? Never known the heart-skipping, breath-taking experience. Never had an entire jar of captured butterflies emptied in my stomach to the point where I could not eat, could not sleep or could even think of anything else but love, love, love. If I had never felt it before, how would I know? How would I know if I was in love? I tried before to feel it, I really did. I tried it all because I wanted to know what it was like. Just to feel human.

Because that's what humans do, right? They love. They cherish, they belong, they marry and live happily ever after. So I waited. For years I waited for that one feeling to hit me in the head like a brick and to swirl like a tornado through my life and make it better, even for just a while. One day I really thought I had succeeded because I couldn't get this one boy out of my mind. I'd smile. We'd hold hands. I'd swoon. I'd dream about him and one day we kissed and it felt nice. Naturally I thought it was love and I gave it a go but after a while I was done. My heart just went black and cold again and it hurt, but I thought it was meant to be. Love just wasn't for me. It never had been. I knew that, and I accepted that.

I was certain I'd never feel it until you showed up. Suddenly he didn't matter anymore. He never really mattered. I thought that he and I was had been love but I had been completely wrong. It was all you. It was you all along. You were just there one day. I can't even recall when or why or how but you were there. You were there and that's all I remember.

You taught me love.

You taught me love I thought I couldn't feel. I thought I had grown mad at first. I couldn't be in love, could I? I wasn't the person to love. But no matter how hard I'd fight you, no matter how much I tried to ban you out of my mind you'd strike back with a force I didn't think you'd have and I'd be at your knees begging for mercy. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep and when I did I dreamt of you and I'd wake up and longed to go back to sleep because my dreams were the only place where I could be in love. I hated it. I was scared and I loathed it.

You taught me love but you forgot to tell me how to execute it. You gave me a heart and feelings and I could do nothing.

So I pushed you away. I pushed you away because if I'd do that the feeling would go away too. Simple logic. I fended you off until the point where it hurt me so much but I'd continue because I was determined not to be in love. Love was stupid. Right? I believed that and I always had. But somehow it didn't quite turn out that way.

I've never experienced the heart-skipping, breath-taking experience. I've never had butterflies in my stomach.

No, I have had cardiac arrest every time I looked into your eyes. I have had the breath violently knocked out of my lungs, I've had an armada, a thunderstorm full of total-loss airplanes in my stomach, I had shivers down my spine and goose bumps and hair in the back of my neck standing up and you. You were love in sevenfold. You were destructive and I loved every little bit of it. I loved you. I loved the things you did to me and even though it hurt I longed for more because maybe, just maybe I'd have a chance. I knew I didn't but a girl can hope.

Love is the strength that makes us like things we hate. We make exceptions for it. We make up excuses and fall into denial just to feel it. Just for a while. Just enough of it so we can live through the day. And day by day works. As long as it's there for fuel. As long as love's there to keep us going, we will not stop. I will not stop.

Love is for fools and I am an idiot.

Never told you before
Never loved you more

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A/n: welp. I was listening to the song Heart by The Pretty Reckless and it reminded me of Jori and got an idea for a songfic. So here it is.
It was quite nice to write this, been a while since I did a songfic so it was nice. I hope I nailed Jade's character. This is my interpretation of her crush on Tori.

Hope you liked it, if you did, please leave a review! (:
Off to study now. Damned school.
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Disclaimer: I do not own Victorious