TITLE: Sith Friday
AUTHOR: Obi the Kid
RATING: G
SUMMARY: Pre-TPM. Another adventure in the life of 13 year old Obi-Wan Kenobi, better known as Yappy Obi in my humor fics. This time he takes on shopping at the mall on Sith Friday.
DISCLAIMER: The characters and venue of Star Wars are copyrighted to Lucas Films Limited. I make no profit from the writing or distribution of this story.
Obi: Master, don't forget, we have to be up early tomorrow to hit all the big sales at the mall for Sith Friday.
Qui: What do you mean, early?
Obi: Before the trolls are bathing in mud.
Qui: That's a disgusting thought.
Obi: That's why we need to be away from here early.
Qui: Do you really need to buy things tomorrow? Can't you wait until the crowds are thinned out?
Obi: I could, but then I'd be paying four times as much for a new pair of glow in the dark light saber boxers.
Qui: How many pairs of those things does one padawan really need?
Obi: Master, personal questions about my underwear cross the line of decency.
Qui: Anyway, what time are we really getting up tomorrow?
Obi: Well, Troll Mart opens at 4am. But Old Sith opens at 3am! Can you believe that? They have sweaters for two credits each!
Qui: You don't wear sweaters.
Obi: But for that price, I could.
Qui: But you won't.
Obi: But I could.
Qui: Can't you just go alone?
Obi: Master, you know how I feel about public transports. People on those things are creepy and weird and they come after me. I don't even want to think about the types of people on those transports at that early hour.
Qui: Obi-Wan, you remember the last time we went to the mall. It was quite the disaster.
Obi: Yes, but I've matured since then.
Qui: It was three months ago.
Obi: I mature quickly.
Qui: No comment.
Obi: I bet your lady friends will be at the salon. They were nice. Remember they helped me find the bathroom after I'd had drank an entire barrel o' baja juice?
Qui: They are not my lady friends. Please don't tell anyone that. Especially Bren. She already threatened me with no adult mush from the last time.
Obi: No adult mush talk, Master. It's disgusting and has no part in my life. Not to mention it makes me sick to my stomach. So what time can we go tomorrow? I really do need sweaters.
Qui: Will you wear them?
Obi: Well, I need to buy them as gifts.
Qui: For who? You only have two people in your life and neither of us wears sweaters.
Obi: I have more than that. I have you and Master Bren and Healer Terran and Master Brazo and Master Cyan and his new padawan.
Qui: He has a padawan?
Obi: Yes, and all the girls swoon and thud over him. He's like a carbon copy of Master Cyan. A mini-me Fabio. He doesn't even have to keep his hair cut short. How unfair is that?
Qui: What's his name?
Obi: I can't remember. Thud boy or something. Does it really matter? No.
Qui: And this is a person you need to buy a Winter Festival gift for?
Obi: Hello? Sweaters. Two credits each!
Qui: Just because they are cheap does not mean you need to buy ten of them.
Obi: I may never see a deal like this again.
Qui: Just try Sith Friday next year.
Obi: What time can we go, Master?
Qui: If you promise to behave, we can be there by 4am.
Obi: But I'll miss the sweaters! All the good ones will be taken by then.
Qui: Please shut up about the sweaters. I do not want a sweater as a gift, so start thinking about something else.
Obi: Oh, you don't?
Qui: Have you ever seen me in a sweater?
Obi: No, but that's because they usually cost too much money to buy. But two credits for…
Qui: ENOUGH! No more sweater talk. 4am. Take it or leave it.
Obi: Take.
Qui: Good. Then go to bed.
Obi: But it's still daylight outside. We haven't even had dinner yet.
Qui: Okay, eat a sandwich and then go to bed.
Obi: Master.
Qui: Do you want to be there at 4am or 10am?
Obi: Fine. I'll go to bed. But if my friends find out I went to sleep before the sun fell, they'll harass me for the rest of my life.
Qui: It's a chance I'm willing to take.
(The next morning, after a not-to-bumpy ride on the public transport, the Jedi pair arrived at the mall ten minutes before Troll Mart opened. The lines waiting to get in had no end. Obi-Wan pouted a face at his master.)
Obi: I told you we should have come earlier.
Qui: I don't think all those people can fit into that store at one time. Perhaps we should go wander around the mall first and then go into Troll Mart.
Obi: I need to go in here, Master.
Qui: Why?
Obi: They have eighty-two inch holo monitors for eight credits.
Qui: That's the size of a bantha.
Obi: Yeah.
Qui: And you need that why?
Obi: To study.
Qui: To study what? The number of nose hairs in the right nostril of your favorite actor Lima Wean?
Obi: No, but now that you mention it…
Qui: No. You are not getting an eighty-two inch holo monitor.
(The doors opened. The screaming began. The crowds flooded the entrance. People went nuts. Obi-Wan levitated himself up and latched onto the back of his master.)
Qui: Get off me!
Obi: No way.
Qui: Obi-Wan let go now or we go home.
Obi: But…
Qui: NOW!
Obi: Okay.
(Obi-Wan slid down and stuck to Qui-Gon's side until the monsoon of shoppers were finally inside.)
Qui: Now we have the outside of the store all to ourselves. Nice, isn't it?
Obi: We need to go in, Master. I know we can do it. Ready?
Qui: Not really, no.
Obi: I'll hold your hand.
Qui: No, I don't think you will.
Obi: Then you hold mine.
Qui: Same difference. Not gonna happen.
Obi: Okay then. You go first, create a path and I'll follow in your wake.
(Once inside there was a dizzying effect of noise and motion. Qui-Gon tried going in several directions with little success. Eventually he lowered his head and plowed forward. Obi-Wan clutched the back of his robe as he was dragged along behind. Finally they discovered a hole in the crowd.)
Qui: Okay, we made it somewhere. Where are we?
Obi: We're out in the mall, Master. You just plowed right though all of Troll Mart. That was impressive. I saw one lady carrying three of those eighty-two inch holo monitors on her back. That was impressive.
Qui: It's better out here. At least I can see my boots when I walk.
Obi: You should get some new boots, Master. Sith Locker has them on sale.
Qui: Yes, but they're blue and white with strange check-mark logos on the side. I prefer plain boring brown boots, you know that.
Obi: You should live a little, Master.
Qui: And you should try not talking so much.
Obi: Can we go get something to drink?
Qui: No, because I know exactly where you'll go. It's too early for a barrel o' baja and we still don't know there the bathrooms are located in this place. So, no. Not now.
Obi: Can we eat breakfast?
Qui: I thought you wanted to shop.
Obi: I do.
Qui: Then shop. Go. Lead the way and I'll follow.
Obi: Is that Master Bren over there? Why does she always go to those adult mush stores?
Qui: Because she and I…Obi-Wan! Stop that.
Obi: What?
Qui: Just stop it.
Obi: Okay. MASTER BREN! HI! IT'S ME, OBI-WAN KENOBI!
Qui: She knows who you are.
Obi: Not in this crowd.
Qui: Trust me on this. You are easy to pick out of a crowd.
Obi: You mean I'm unique?
Qui: In ways.
(Master Bren Anders wandered over to the pair, her arms filled with bags from Yaddle's Secret.)
Bren: Hey kid. Stretch. What's up?
Obi: What did you buy, Master Bren?
Bren: Oh, nothing you need to worry your sweet little head about. Or your yappy mouth.
Obi: Adult mush stuff. You two really should get a room.
Qui: Or get rid of my padawan.
Obi: You'd never do that.
Bren: Boys, please. Don't start. Oh, I got this too. (She held up a bag from Old Sith).
Obi: Sweaters! One, two…ten of them? You know a deal when you see one, Master Bren.
Bren: Naturally. I got five for you and five for Mr. Sweet Knees.
Qui: Okay, first. Don't call me that in public. Second, as I asked Obi-Wan earlier, when have you ever known me to wear a sweater?
Bren: Never. But that's not the point. TWO credits each, Qui-Gon. TWO. That's a deal you'd be a moron to pass up.
Obi: Master Bren, why did you get me the sweaters with the monogrammed troll head on the chest?
Bren: That's the brand, silly. Trollzod. They're all the rage.
Obi: I guess, but I'm not big on wearing Master Yoda on my clothes.
Bren: There are other trolls in the galaxy, kid. It's not Yoda.
Obi: There are other trolls? Where? How many? How old are they? Are they green? Do they lecture people backwards?
Bren: Stop it.
Obi: Okay.
Qui: How do you do that?
Bren: Do what?
Qui: Shut him up that easily?
Bren: I've got power.
Obi: She does, Master.
(Loud voices from across the aisle diverted their attention. It was Mace Windu and Yoda.)
Bren: Why are they shopping at the Sith Shack? Let's go see.
Mace: The purple ones are MINE you little backwards troll. I told you yesterday that I was coming there this morning to get these and you just had to fly your scrawny wrinkled butt here before me. You might be powerful, but I'm taller. Purple is MINE!
Yoda: Tired of green I am and wrinkled my scrawny butt is not. Podcoms you have. Need more you do not.
Mace: I have podcoms, but not ones that play four million songs on one pod.
Yoda: Four million songs you do not know. Alive I have been for more years. More songs I know. Give up the purple you must.
Mace: Yeah, you've been alive for four million years that's how you know so many songs!
Yoda: Insult me you will not. Hand over the podcoms you will.
Mace: I will not!
Yoda: You will.
Mace: Will not!
Yoda: You will.
Mace: Will not! Not! Not! Not!
(Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan and Bren just stood shaking their heads)
Bren: Nice to see the real faces behind the council. I feel so much safer now.
Obi: Master, just be glad that neither of them is your padawan.
Qui: That would be strange. But I am grateful. Come on, let's get away from here.
Obi: Master look. Healer Terran is in that store there, it's called Flannel, Plaid and Beyond. And he's hording gloves.
Bren: Shouldn't he be treating patients or something?
Obi: Not when you can buy ten pairs of gloves and get ten free.
Qui: How many gloves does one person need?
Obi: With those cold hands? He should wear all ten pairs at once.
Bren: Let's keep moving. We don't need anything there. Oh, Qui-Gon! There's your hair salon. Did you want to check to see if your ladies are there?
Qui: They are not my ladies. They just like playing with my hair.
Bren: I can understand that. I love running my hands through it when…
Obi: HELLO? Obi is right here!
Bren: Damn, kid. You sure know how to ruin a mood.
Obi: Yeah, like it's my fault you two can't keep your hands off each other.
Qui: And with that, let's move on. Oh look. Snakes!
Obi: Yup, there's Council member Medusa in the pet store again. She's there all the time. Those hair snakes must eat a lot.
Bren: And there's uh oh. Don't look kid.
Obi: What? Oh no. Master Poof and Archives Mari are in the SithMark shop. Are they buying balloons?
Bren: Yes and isn't that Brazo following along behind?
Obi: Master Poof stole Archives Mari from him. He's like a lost bantha pup. How sad and pathetic. Master, you should adopt him and bring him home. Maybe one day you'll die in a fight with a Sith Lord and I'll have to train him until he defies me and kills all the Jedi in the galaxy.
Bren: Um…
Qui: Ignore him please. And no we are not adopting Master Brazo. That's too pathetic even for me.
Obi: MASTER!
Qui: Would you stop that. I'm standing right next to you.
Obi: Sorry. Look over there!
Qui: What the Sith?
Bren: It's a new bakery called Qui's Pies.
Obi: Master, look at the people working there.
(They moved through the crowd and to the entrance of the small shop. The four, very tall employees inside all had long brown hair peppered with gray, and their faces were covered in short-cropped beards. They all wore long brown robes.)
Qui: Um.
Bren: Uh.
Obi: My thoughts exactly. I think they cloned you, Master. But that whole cloning thing isn't supposed to happen until I'm in my thirties.
Qui: What?
Obi: Oh, nothing. Wait, they all have straight noses. They aren't you. Just pretenders to the robe.
Qui: Pretenders or not, it's wrong. And creepy.
Bren: But, oh my. (Bren forked a piece of sample pie into Qui-Gon's mouth).
Obi: Please stop that.
Bren: This is...oh, my goodness. I could bathe in this and die happy.
Qui: I'll pass on the bathing, but that is good. I didn't know I could bake like that.
Bren: You've been holding out, Stretch. But about that bath thing. You and I could…
Obi: Wow, really? You can't just curtail the hormones for a couple hours while we shop?
Bren: I did buy some duct tape for his mouth, Qui-Gon.
Qui: You are always one step ahead of me. I think tonight, you and I…
Obi: I need to find the bathroom. I'm about to lose my dinner from last night. You two are so gross.
Bren: Just wait, kid. You'll see. When you get older and are left on a ship in the desert while Qui-Gon goes off to flirt with that Schmigle lady and steal her kid away to take as his padawan, and those handmaidens start drooling on you and giving you googly eyes…
Obi: Wait…Master you already have a padawan. Me! You can't take another. The code forbids it.
Qui: We are straying from the reason for being here, aren't we? Remember shopping?
Bren: So, where else did you two need to go? I think I've got everything I need. Although I admit, it is fun watching these people freak out about the sales. People punching each other, tripping each other and using the force to levitate items away from non-force users. And that only describes the Jedi shoppers. Humanity is quite something at times. I should buy a Qui Pie though.
Qui: Yes you should. For later.
Obi: That's it. I'm leaving.
Qui: Bye.
Obi: Okay, I didn't really mean it. I can't ride the public transport home by myself. I'll stay.
Qui: Then deal.
Obi: Can I get baja juice now?
Qui: No.
Obi: Can I get one before we leave?
Qui: Yes you may. Let's see what bands are playing this year.
(After Bren purchase a pie, the trio worked through the hordes of people into the center of the mall. Children of all shapes, sizes and colors were screaming and playing and crying and drooling around some overweight pale-skinned bearded man in a bright red suit. Obi-Wan, however, was more drawn towards the band setting up to play.)
Obi: Master, my favorite band ever is gonna play! Can we stay and watch?
Bren: Who's the band, kid?
Obi: The Jedi Temple Pilots.
Bren: You can do better than that. Who's playing after them?
Obi: Trolls and Roses, Dire Siths, Rage Against the Flannel, and Sith-Eyed Peas.
Qui: Whatever happened to good old fashioned easy listening singers like Barry Sithalow and Gordon Trollfoot?
Bren: Wow, Stretch, you really are old.
Qui: Thank you.
Obi: Can we stay to watch them, Master?
Qui: For a short time. Do you need to do anymore shopping?
Obi: I haven't done any.
Qui: Well, go buy something.
Obi: What should I buy?
Qui: Anything. Just to say you did it. Buy me a Winter Festival Gift.
Obi: Okay. I'll be right back.
Bren: Take your time, kid. Sweet Knees and I will be here when you get back.
Obi: Adults are so nasty.
(Obi-Wan returned an hour later with eight bags of merchandise from eight different stores.)
Qui: How did you pay for all of that?
Obi: You have good credit, Master. They didn't even ask for ID or proof that I was your apprentice.
Qui: So I bought everything in your hands?
Obi: Mostly. There's one little thing in the bottom of this blue bag that is for you. I bought that.
Qui: Eight bags full and you got one little thing for me?
Obi: You always tell me, Master that it's not about possessions and material things. So, I remembered that.
Qui: When it came to me, yes. But you…perhaps you should take some of those things back.
Obi: But it was fun, Master. I didn't bother anyone. I didn't cause a scene. I didn't even scream like a girl when I saw Senator Palpy modeling his black socks and boxers again in the mirror of the big and tall store.
Bren: Why were you in the big and tall store? You're short and stumpy.
(Obi-Wan motioned his eyes towards his master.)
Bren: Oh, never mind. Sorry. Forget I asked that.
Qui: Obi-Wan, please tell me that you didn't get me a neck tie.
Obi: Um, I didn't get you a neck tie?
Bren: It'll go nicely with the sweaters I bought you, Stretch.
Obi: It's all I could think of, Master. Just pretend to be surprised?
Qui: Very well. How about we go home now. You can get your baja juice on the way.
(They stopped by the stand on the way out and Obi-Wan got his favorite flavor Barrel o' Baja. Immediately he started guzzling as they left the mall and boarded the first public transport. Several minutes into the ride, Obi-Wan had finished his juice and had to pee.)
Bren: Already, kid? Man that stuff goes through you like a light saber through butter.
Obi: Yeah, but it's GOOD! Is there a bathroom on this transport?
Qui: At the very end of the car.
Obi: Come with me, Master.
Qui: No.
Obi: But I need you.
Qui: You are thirteen and much too old to need anyone to help you in the bathroom.
Obi: I can do that part myself. I just need protection getting there.
Bren: Just go with him, Qui-Gon. You know the effect that juice has on him. First he has to pee like a racehorse and then when the sugar wears off, he collapses into a deep sleep. And after he's out cold, you and I can continue our um…pie bath.
Obi: I SO did not want to know that. Now I need to pee and vomit.
Qui: Come on, Obi-Wan.
(They moved down the middle aisle of the long transport car. Obi-Wan clutched Qui-Gon's robe the entire time watching and avoiding the stares of the other passengers. He made it to the bathroom safely and reemerged relieved. Then he grabbed Qui-Gon's robe again as they returned to Bren. Once seated, Obi-Wan became mesmerized by the person sitting directly across from them. It was a tall creature with green skin, two fingers on each hand, a pointy oval shaped head and a long thin neck that retracted when the transport hit turbulence. Obi-Wan whispered to his master, but was unable to take his eyes from the creature.)
Obi: Master, that man is like a reverse Poof. He doesn't sway, he bops.
Qui: Obi-Wan, it's not polite to stare.
Obi: I can't help it. He's so strange, but so weird, but so…I can't stop looking at him.
Bren: How do you know it's a him, kid?
Obi: I'm generalizing. I'm not asking him. You do it.
Bren: No way. I fell…lightheaded. His head goes upppppppp and downnnnnnnn.
Obi: Uppppppppp and downnnnnnnn.
Qui: Stop it, both of you. You're embarrassing me.
Obi: But, Master it's so hypnotizing. Upppppppp and downnnnnnn.
Qui: Stop it or you'll never get another hug from me.
Obi: Huh? Oh. Sorry. I'm back.
Bren: Too weird. Don't look at him anymore, kid.
Obi: I'll just close my eyes until we get home.
(Once home, Obi-Wan hurried again to the bathroom, then tossed all his bags in his bedroom before returning to the common area to find Qui-Gon and Bren already into the pie.)
Obi: Can I at least have a piece of that before you two get disgusting with each other? Then I'll lock myself in my room until dinner.
Bren: Kid, it's only nine in the morning.
Obi: Oh, so it is. Well then, what do we do now?
Qui: You lock yourself in your bedroom until tomorrow morning.
Obi: That's not fair, Master.
Qui: It was your idea.
Obi: Yes, but I retracted it.
Qui: Just like the creature on the transport with the strange neck?
Obi: Please don't talk about him.
Qui: Fine. You have my permission to go to the holo theatre on level five and watch Lima holo's all day and all night long.
Obi: REALLY? YOU MEAN IT?
Qui: On one condition. You do not return to these quarters until tomorrow morning. Unless you are dying. Understand?
Obi: Yes, Master. Don't peek at the gift I got for you though. It's in my bedroom.
Qui: But I already know…
Bren: Would you play along for once in your life?
Qui: Oh right. I promise, Obi-Wan. I will not peek. Now you can go. Please.
Obi: I have to get a few things first. My pillow. My blanket. Um…what else.
Qui: Padawan! Now. Please.
Obi: Okay okay. Sheesh. Oh, Can I take my piece of pie with me?
Qui: Yes, here. Go now.
Obi: Going. Can I have a hug goodnight?
Qui: It's still morning, remember?
Obi: But I won't see you until…
Qui: OUT! NOW! I'm locking the door as soon as leave, and I'm changing the lock code.
Obi: But, Master, what if I need you! Some of Lima's movies are really sad.
Qui: You'll be fine. You can always go visit Brazo. He might like a little company anyway, after chasing Mari around the mall all morning.
Obi: I can do that. But what if…
Qui: Obi-Wan.
Obi: But…
Qui: I will kill you if you don't leave right now. You know that don't you?
Obi: No you wouldn't.
Bren: No, but I will. Kid! Get out. Now. Go enjoy your free time.
Obi: My Lima time you mean.
Bren: Whatever. Just leave.
Obi: You guys just want me out so you can…
Qui: One. Two. Three.
Obi: Wow, counting me out. Really? Will you put me in a timeout next?
Bren: Come on, kid. You see how red his face is. I think…wait…isn't that Lima?
Obi: WHERE?
(Obi-Wan spun around and was booted out the door. Lima was nowhere to be found. The apprentice knocked on the door as he heard the beeping of the lock code being changed. He yelled through the door.)
Obi: THAT WASN'T FUNNY! LIMA ISN'T HERE. YOU PLAY WITH MY EMOTIONS LIKE THAT AND IT'LL COME BACK TO HAUNT YOU ONE DAY!
(The sound of boots in the hall diverted his attention from the door. It was Brazo again. Still hopelessly chasing Poof and Mari around. Obi-Wan figured he could take pity on his friend and save Brazo from becoming anymore pathetic on the day. He ran to him, hugged him and begin talking wildly about his shopping morning and then about the upcoming Lima holo's. The next morning he returned to his quarters to find that he was still locked out. It was noon before the door finally opened.)
Obi: About time.
Qui: Hello, Padawan. How are you? Would you like a hug?
Obi: Um, yes?
Qui: No problem. I love you, you know that, right?
Obi: Um, yes?
Qui: Good boy. There's a hug for you. Was that okay?
Obi: Um, yes?
Qui: Anything you would like to do today together just let me know.
Obi: Um, yes?
Qui: Name it.
Obi: Um. Uh. Um. Are you my master?
Qui: I am. For as long as you need me.
Obi: Okay. I'm not sure what to do in this situation.
Qui: Would you like another hug?
Obi: Um, yes?
Qui: There you go.
Obi: Are you okay, Master?
Qui: Never better.
Obi: But you're not usually this nice and calm when I come home. Did you and Master Bren…oh wait. Oh no. Adult mush did this to you, didn't it? This is not the real you. This is just a temporary detour.
Qui: Yes. Enjoy it while you can. My mood won't last forever.
Obi: How long do I have?
Qui: A couple of hours.
Obi: Will you take me to see the new Lima holo in the city? The Sith Who Stare at Trolls?
Qui: Anything you'd like, Padawan. Let's go.
Obi: Wow. Maybe I shouldn't be so opposed to all that adult mush talk.
Qui: No, you shouldn't.
Obi: It's still disgusting with you two though.
Qui: Only to young ears. Wait until you get older.
Obi: Those handmaidens scare me.
Qui: Yes. Let's go see Lima now, shall we?
Obi: Yes, Master.
Qui: Be warned, if this movie goes over two hours, I might return to my old self.
Obi: That's okay. I'll get a few more hugs out of you before then.
Qui: Whatever you say, Padawan. Just lead the way to the theatre.
Obi: I love you, Master.
Qui: Yeah, me too.
Obi: You love yourself?
Qui: Sure, why not. I love everyone right now.
Obi: When this wears off, I'm going to hate my life again, aren't I?
Qui: Yeah.
Obi: Oh well, may as well enjoy it while I can. Another hug! And let's go!
END