Summary: Akira makes his confession, but Hikaru doesn't know how to react. Angsty shonen-ai fun, Hikaru's POV
Standard disclaimers apply.
Silence is Easy
We are in the go salon and it is late, so late that the old men are gone and Miss Ichikawa trusts us to turn out the lights and lock the door when we leave. It is late, and I look at the clock and promise another twenty minutes before I leave for the train station.
The game is almost over but you still take your time on the moves; you know the game is yours and yet you still play to the best of your ability, and the intensity emanates from you. You've always been this way. I used to wish for your intensity, when I began. I'm more serious now, but I don't want that anymore. It's a little scary.
I play the last available hand and prepare myself for the first outburst. Did I misread the center? Did I capture the wrong group of stones? I stare at the board, waiting for your hand to point out my shortcomings. But you don't. You seem strangely nervous.
I look up and before I realize what's happening the words fall out of your mouth, and you're telling me that you like me, a lot.
I stare at the goban because I don't want to face you, but I can feel your intense gaze on me. My face is getting warmer. You've complicated things so much now. Our relationship will never be the same again, and I'm not ready to step this far forward. You're chasing me again – the real me, not Sai, and since he is gone I can't ask him to take over play, like I used to. I wonder what he would do.
I can sense your trembling, you are so nervous, unlike the familiar Touya that I know, and I hate seeing you this way. That's what I don't like about this – that you aren't the Touya that I know anymore, you've become someone else and I'm a little bit afraid.
I weigh my options. I can leave, but that would just make things worse. You would think I had rejected you, and you wouldn't play go with me anymore, you would run so far away from me that I wouldn't be able to catch up, and we wouldn't be rivals anymore. I couldn't take that.
I could say something – what could I say? I'm afraid that if I open my mouth I'll say something stupid, or something that I'd regret. I don't know what I could say, really. Thank you for thinking so highly of me? or, sorry, but I don't think I feel the same way? It's so difficult with you. The problem is, I don't know how I feel about you. I thought I did, up until now. You are my friend and rival, but apparently you aren't satisfied with that. It never crossed my mind that we could be something…else. What would happen if we were to have that sort of relationship? We would have to keep it hidden from everyone. Your parents, my parents, and all our friends. What if Weekly Go found out? Have you considered all of this? Because the more I think about this, the more I don't know what my feelings really are. I want to be angry with you for all of this, but I'm not. I'm just completely, horribly confused.
Maybe if I just sit here quietly everything will go back to the way it was. You will point to a place on the board and tell me why it was a bad hand. We will discuss the game for a few minutes before one of us gets mad at one too many "I see" or "Oh yeah"s and an argument breaks out. Then I'll storm out in time to make the last train home and…Shit! How long have we been sitting here? The clock is above your head and I can't bring myself to look up and check the time, because you're right in front of me and I can't look at your face. I'll risk spending all the money in my wallet to get a taxi home if it means I don't have to face you.
There is a scraping noise and it takes me a second to realize it's you standing up and leaving the salon. I want to go after you but I don't know what I would do. I don't know what I could say to you to make things go back to normal. Your footsteps are so loud.
I wait for the sound of the closing door before I look at the clock. Odd. It's only been five minutes since you said…that. I have ten minutes before the last train leaves. I'll walk slowly, so as not to run into you at the station.
I turn off the lights and shut the door behind me. The salon will have to remain unlocked tonight, since you left with the key.
Akira, I don't know what I can say to you now.
end
Trying to make the whole confession scene a bit more realistic. Not that I don't love the fluff of course….The review button is just a click away.